DD 3 is so mean to DS 1

[noeyjeanne]

I don't know what to do. She has been listen pretty good lately about most things but she she is so mean to her younger brother. If he walks past her she pushes him. Whatever his has she takes. She scratched at his face today in the double stroller because she wnted the cover down and he pushed it up. She smacked him in the face for no apparent reason. It seems to be the only thing I have to talk to her about all day. I tell her to look at your brothers face, he is hurt and sad because you hit him, you can't hit, hitting hurts. I offer her another toy when she goes after his, she takes it and give it to him while grabbing his out of his hand. It's all day long. I don't know what to do. I know yelling isn't going to work. And you can't teach them not to hit by hitting. (Spanking) I'm just so affraid she's going to hurt him. the poor little guy seems to used to the abuse. Lately he chooses to just be with me all day long. I'm still waiting for my sling in the mail, and he weighs 23lbs so I can't really carry him all day.

I was talking to my mom about it and she told me to tell her the police would come if she hurt him. I thought that sound awful but before i could stop myself i saw her kick him down, so I told that she need to stop hurtting Brett or the police will come and take her away, : I know this was wrong and she got alittle scared. I then explained to her that if mommy hurt someone, or if an animail hurt a person, the police would have them too. I don't want to scare her about the police. I told her that just like mommy the police want to keep everybody safe, and that sometimes people who hurt others have to stay away from people to keep the other people safe. I told her that i want both of my dc to be safe and that i don't want either of them to get hurt.

I feel like i handle this the wrong way, but i'm only 1/3 way through "easy to love hard to disciplen" I'm no expert and have come along way in the past months.

Bottom line is I can't have her hurting my son. How can i get her to choose not hurt him. help please

[oliversmum2000]

you dont mention how old they both are.

do you think there could be some underlying reason for her negative feelings towards him that she cannot express to you? some reason why she feels so much anger towards him? perhaps if you could find some way to disucss that with her you could help resolve the issues she has with him.

maybe you could encourage her to draw some pictures of herself and your family and her brother and see if there are any indications in those as to what the problem is.

maybe even just talking to her about the fact that she seems very easily irritated by her brother and talking through ideas with her about ways of dealing with it.

sorry if this sint an option for a child her age. it just sounds like there is something more going on here with regard to resentment to him.

[PrincessMommie]

I've been going through the same sort of things with my almost 4 year old and my 1 year old...and with my son being 4 next month I know that I can expect him to not be doing such things as often...your dd must be a young 3 from what you've described?

Anyway you need plan ahead what you'll do and say when these things happen and then hopefully the phrases regarding the police won't pop out in the heat of the moment. That was really bad advice you were given.

Her behavior sounds normal and expected with a new sibling, though not acceptable by any means.
I would be very sure that they are not in a room alone together, and that you keep him close by you so that you can protect him as quickly as possible.

I tell her to look at your brothers face, he is hurt and sad because you hit him, you can't hit, hitting hurts.

You need to take the focus off of her in the negative, such as 'look at your brothers face, he is sad because you hit him' kinda sounds like the "look what you've done!"

You may be better off focusing on him, when relaying the sad, and hurt.
Pick HIM up and say 'you must be sad, it hurts to be hit' and cuddle him...don't focus your attention on her so much and her 'behavior'. A simple 'brothers are for loving, not for hitting' is all that needed directed to her...and then just comfort your baby.
If things get really bad, the idea that you are not allowed to hurt others, therefore you cannot be by brother until you can stop hurting him, and keep them seperated for a bit for her to gain composure.

I offer her another toy when she goes after his, she takes it and give it to him while grabbing his out of his hand.

Don't offer her another toy...obviously it's not working?

"You really want to play with that toy, when Johnny is done, you may have a turn with it" and "toys are for sharing, not for grabbing" etc.

There must be an underlying issue here...has your son just recently become really mobile, does she feel that he is constantly 'messing her stuff up' or 'following her' or that your giving him too much time, and not her?

Just some thoughts...

[Flor]

I guess your dd is 3 and ds is 1? I thought that your 3rd child was hurting your 1st dc and was interested because in our house it is the baby who is the bully. I have no mothering experience with this but I have daycare/afterschool care experience. One thing I did with groups of children was to insist that if someone gets hurt, we all make them feel better, especially the one who did the hurting. Often kids say it was an accident when it obviously was not, but I don't even get into that discussions, it's just "you hurt him, you help him." Teach her to comfort him with hugs, a glass of water, etc. Kids seem to respond to this with sincerity even though it seems a little crazy to me (especially if I was the hitee).