I screamed at him

[momadance]

I am feeling like such a shitty person right now.

I don't even know where to start. I've been parenting a 4yo and 6 month old without Dh, hundreds of miles from family for about a week. It's been so trying. Ds has always been "intense" with his emotions. Positive and negative. Well, he tells me to shut-up, calls me stupid, kicks and hits. I've tried everything. And nothing but love helps make things ok. It's just his way of reaching out. For the most part I understand, and we work on "code words" and different ways of expressing ourselves. Well, for a few days, he's really been laying it on. And I'm getting frazled! Tonight in the bath, water dripped in his eyes and he's freaking out. My 6 month old is laying on the floor next to me while I try to wash 4yo. 6 month old starts crying. There both crying. 4 yo wants a towel, I finish rinsing his hair. He screams at me to "shut-up" and swings at me. I grab his arm and scream "STOP IT" Feel like crap, talk things out and we snuggle the rest of the evening away. Well, bed time rolls around and we're laying in bed. 6 month old has been asleep for a while, so I ask 4yo to please lay quit with me. Well, he's thirsty (stalling tactic) I tell him na, he starts crying, I say " oh sweety I'll get you some H20 just please stay quite" he screams "SHUT UP" Well I about lose my shit! I grab him by his arms carry him to his room and yell "you have to stop treating my like this" and leave to take 5. End up taking more like 2. Hold him. He's sobbing, not used to being treated like crap himself, tells me if I'm going to treat him like that he's not going to be my little boy anymore. I'm dying inside. We have a good talk. I explain to him it's never ok for me to treat him like that. It isn't. I'm his MOTHER!!!! He says "I'm sorry I made you so angry" I tell him it's ok he's just a little boy and he says "no it's not your my mommy" How can I lose such control. On one level I feel it's ok for him to see how hurtful and rotten it is for him to do these things, but on the other hand he needs to feel like his mommy's got some self control. It's not usually like this. But him having to go through this at all, I feel like a friggin' failure! He's my sweet baby and I've failed him. I feel like the jack ass who hit's there kid to get them to stop hitting. I'm balling and feeling so shriviled up inside.

I don't know what I'm looking for by posting this. Just putting it out there i guess.

[julesinottawa]

Please please please don't beat yourself up over this. I have done the single mom thing for weeks at a time while dh is away for work and it IS very trying. It's impossible to be on your best behaviour when you have no time at all to yourself. One of the things that helps me get through times like this was something I read somewhere (sorry I can't remember where) that being a good parent most of the time is the goal. Nobody can be perfect 100% of the time and as long as you are good more than you are bad, you are doing great. And it sounds like your communication is really great with your son. Kids are resilient and he will be fine. Hugs to you mama.

[Danielsmom]

To the OP,
I think your reaction was understandable. You were frustrated and expressed that to your son. You didn't beat him or call him any abusive names.

In a perfect world we don't scream at our kids...but it happens. I'm not saying it's right to scream at our kids...I actually think it's better to show our frustration and anger honestly before it builds up to the point of screaming.

Maybe you could tell your son that it's unacceptable for him to yell shut up at you (you may already have done this; it's late and I can't recall from your post whether you have done this). Maybe have consequences for his using that phrase (lhe loses privileges to a favorite toy). Maybe make a chart and count the # of times he uses shut up. On days he doesn't use that phrase, he gets a reward/treat? I'm a firm believer in rewarding positive behaviors.

But I wouldn't beat yourself up about this.

I know your feelings of guilt, though. I have screamed at my son very occasionally and have felt really bad about it afterwards. I'm learning to ask myself now, before I yell, what am I angry about? I'm trying to observe my feelings more than just lose it.

One other piece of advice I would give is expressing your anger when you feel it rather than letting it build up (you may do this already...it's something I'm trying to be better at) For example, when your son asked for water, could you have said to him that you were frustrated or needed to be patient, or said you were a little aggravated or tired? Sometimes when I feel like I am about to yell, just saying, "I'm angry" or "I'm upset" helps me diffuse my feelings.

[JillChristina]

My dd and I had a very similar interaction yesterday. I was yelling at her, she was SO upset, and I was just out of control. When we got home (this occured in the car) I just held her and told her I was so sorry for yelling at her and that it wasn't ok for me to act that way. She also told me she was sorry. We talked it over and I felt a little better. But I still felt like I *should* have been able to hold myself together. I'm the mom! I'm the adult! And here I was acting like a spoiled brat. Ugh.

I just wanted to let you know you're not alone. I think many of us have times like these. I also believe, while it's still not ok to treat our children poorly, that we have to realize we are human. We make mistakes. And it's what we do the other 99% of the time that matters the most. I also think it takes a lot of guts to admit to your child that you were wrong. It's a good lesson for them to learn that mommy and daddy make mistakes and are willing to own up to them and apologize.

It must be so hard for you to be parenting these two all on your own. You sound like a loving mama who just reached her limit. Just remember that every moment is a chance to turn it all around. I know you'll do better next time because you WANT to do better. Hang in there.

Jill

[momadance]

Thank you so much! I reallyl needed the support I've found in this thread!

One more bit of sadness. Lastnight I woke to Miles sobbing next to me in his sleep. I asked what was wrong and he said (still sleeping) "you were leaving me mama, I won't let you leave me" I just held his hand and said "I'm right here"

What a buch of drama huh? Dh will be back this evening.