When others view your child's feelings as a problem - Page 2

[PrincessMommie]

Oh great! I read your original thread where things were going totally not well on these visits, sounds like she did wonderful! What an improvement.

[Fuamami]

Hey sledg, I just wanted to say that maybe you should give your MIL a little bit more time. I have a nephew who sounds a lot like your daughter- very, very sensitive and easily upset, and so, so bright. But he lives in another state and we don't get to see him enough, so when we do, it's hard to see the changes that have happened since last time, and to know what to expect from him. He's not one of those even-keeled, predictable kids who always reacts to the same things the same way, you know? Since you see your ILs every week, maybe in a few weeks, she'll really start to notice. She also is probably worried. We worry about our nephew, even though I think sensitive kids with good parents turn out to be happier adults, so I'm sure your daughter will do fine. But childhood's just a little harder for them, right?

[mommyofshmoo]

Hey Sledg- I feel your pain because our visits with grandparents are LONG as well. Visiting the ones who live close almost always involves a sleep over and when I visit my fam it's for like a week. Plus, the all day/all night visits with my in-laws are in their very small apartment where there's only one little room for dd to go the recharge her batteries and get away (and it's not at all toddlerproof, so I have to go in too. It seems like dd does fine surrounded by family and as the center of attention for a few hours at a time, but then she just gets overwhelmed.

Thank goodness for television. It makes me sad to say it, but the TV is an "acceptable" way for her to shut down socially for a half hour without leaving the room.

It's just a long time to expect "best" behavior.

I wish I knew what to say. Sometimes I feel like I'm the only one on my dd's side (ie. working with her, taking her feelings seriously.) It's tough.

(I'm extra sensitive to it right now, too, because being pregnancy makes ME into someone who cries ever few hours.)

Our household is not a picture of emotional stability right now!

[Magella]

natensarah, thanks for sharing your experience with your nephew. It does seem that childhood is a little harder for sensitive kids.

mommyofshmoo- I feel sort of like you in that while everyone around us tries to fix the problem when dd is upset, I feel like I'm usually the only one who realizes that dd often doesn't want anything fixed. She just wants to be heard and she wants to know she's okay. I also feel alone as though dh and I are sort of alone in feeling that our kids' expressing their feelings is okay so long as they aren't hurting anyone or being disrespectful (name-calling or something-we don't consider an angry tone disrespectful, though some nasty tones are.) Also, something about your post made me wonder, for the first time, if maybe dd is like me and gets drained by being around people for any length of time. Aside from the kids and dh, I start to feel drained being around most people for more than an hour or so (with the exception of some very special friends who leave me feeling energized). Maybe she feels the same way, and maybe that's why having some quiet time or outside time during these visits helps so much. Hmmm

[dalbert]

Strong emotions may not be such a bad thing

My dd is 3 1/2 and also wears her heart out on her sleeve. We often think of how much easier things would be if she were more even-keeled. And, of course, I go through periods of blaming myself since she likely got such strong emotions from me. But I also try to flip my perspective around and think of her emotional intensity as a possitive attribute. Sure, there are times when it's rough right now because she's still learning how to deal with her strong feelings. But this quality combined with our parenting to talk through feelings and to nurture ourselves when we need to is likely going to empower her to become a strong communicator and a wonderfully considerate person. Her preschool teacher frequently reminds me that the very challenges that she faces today will form the foundation for her most shining qualities in years to come. It's true, she is the most loving kid I know and I wouldn't trade that quality in her for the world. She has a powerful emotional component and as she learns to harness that power, it will probably become her strongest asset.

[mommyofshmoo]

Sledg-

It wasn;t till I read Raising Your Spirited Child that i realized how introverted dd is and how much that affects her behavior. She gets totally overwhelmed in large groups and crowded areas. (Large groups are more OK with her if we're outside.)

Sometimes we'll walk into a familiar setting, and if it's too crowded dd will just crumble right there.

Maybe taking some time away to recharge every hour or so would help your dd handle those family get togethers better.

That little room in my in-laws house is a life saver. When that room is occupied during our stays there, dd gets more easily frustrated- she feels like she can't get away if she needs.

[lilyka]

and just for the record I am prone to weeping over every little thing after a day with the inlaws too

[mommyofshmoo]

Originally Posted by lilyka

and just for the record I am prone to weeping over every little thing after a day with the inlaws too

:LOL

Me too.

[bri276]

my sister was very much like that as a small child, and to this day she is ultra-sensitive and not always able to take what's dished out to her in a calm way. I really think it's just her personality; we were raised the same way and I was never like that. There is nothing wrong with your DD as far as I'm concerned. Some kids get frustrated, upset, and sad much more easily than others and it's great that she's beginning to deal with it better, which I think comes naturally with age and understanding parents.
That said, maybe the inlaw visits need to take place at times when she won't be tired or stressed- after school is usually a big let-down time for kids (even college students usually need some decompression after a long day!) so possibly if that can be worked on they'll get to see her when she's more cheerful and less likely to have any breakdowns. good luck! and if they say anything else, tell them "she's just a preschooler" in a happy tone.

[willowsmom]

Everyone but people who understand spirited, intense kids make snide comments about Willow and her demeanor. If we're out and she's with me...and you (in general) come up to talk to me or oogle at her...she will struggle and turn away and scream at you. I hear all the time..."Well she's not very friendly." "You should put her in a stroller so she will meet people" "You hold her too much." "You're spoiling her." "What a momma's girl." etc etc....

Just lately I've discovered that if I can ask Willow to show her toes to the people she'll tolerate them near her...(she is a fan of her "piggies" and likes to show them off)...

Anyway...it's irritating...but I'm the type of person to tell someone exactly what I think if they make a comment demeaning to my child. I'm a mama bear.