Help me handle this better

[hipumpkins]

DD has been throwing, food, cups silverware tho the floor lately. I have been consisitent by not giving back, the cup, fork and today I had her clean up the grapes she threw to the floor. I don't always have her clean the ness b/c it isn't always somehting that can jsut picked up by hand. Anyway, her throwing stuff is not an indicator that she is done so I don't want to take her food away and leave her hungry. She is throwing for a limit setting thing, I think. Anyway, tonight (after the grape throwing) she threw her fork to the floor and said, " get it". I said I will not get it and you may not have it back. She continued to eat her dinner without a fork. Then she readied her cup for a toss. I (wrongly I know) grabbed it from her hand and slammed it on the table. Very sternly but not yelling (I am not a yeller in general) I said, "You may not throw your cup"
Normally when I just refise to return a thrown item or have to state sternly, "you may throw.....whatever" I am met with a deluge of "because?"
Somehitng like this:
"You may not throw your cup"
because?
"Because it makes a loud noise for Joe downstiars and it is inappropriate"
because?
"It is disrespectful"
because
"Johanna, it is poor manners to throw your cup"
because

Anyway you get the drift. The "because" makes me nuts b/c she will not stop and I don't feel like I am making any headway with the throwing. She isn't stopping and thinking, "Ok well now I know why I shouldn't throw the cup"
So back to the story...After slamming the cup she got upset and told me not to that again b/c it was loud. Sadly. I felt a little vindicated that I finally got her to listen. How can I get through to her without slamming and grabbing things from her?

BTW I do also let her know what we CAN throw but I don't think it is the throwing that is fun part. I think it is seeing how much she can get away with.

[AngelBee]

I don't have any advice....I feel your frustration though.

[hipumpkins]

Thank you for the suport and the hug. I don't know whether to be relieved that no one else knows what to do either (22 views) or more frustrated.

[oliversmum2000]

my ds 2 is too a thrower and it drives me nuts, i have no idea how to stop him but when he is at the table he is always throwing food and plates and cutlery even when he is half way through eating. i am really hoping he WILL grow out of it as nothing i say or do makes an difference.

[PrincessMommie]

Well I certainly don't want to be another 'view' without a reply!
Hmmm...that because thing she does is totally new territory by me? cute but irritating right....

From what you've described it sounds like your doing the right thing...by telling her 'why' she is not allowed to throw things, and then also telling her what she can throw.

How old is she? I think having her help pick up her mess such as grapes is an ok thing to do...I wouldn't consider that a punishment but just a 'given' of picking up after one's own self...natural consequence for any adult would be to clean up their mess right?

What about only putting a few items in front of her at a time.
For example keep the cup and 1 utensil out of reach for a while and when she would like a drink you could hand it to her etc?
And maybe only 3-4 grapes at a time rather than 8 or 10 or whatever you usually give her?

Hmm, and maybe not saying much at all? When she throws something just leave it, don't say anything or react and then when the meal is over have her help you clean up. If she says 'give it back' just say well clean up time is when we are all done, let's enjoy our food first' and leave it there.

Gee it sounds as though your doing most of this already!!

To be honest I don't have any 'great' ideas!

[cosmos]

I have a dd similar age 5/02 and now that you mention it, this has been an issue with her too. Funny that it didn't register w/ me as a problem I have a 4 yo and a 4 mo as well and sometimes I am just glad to have food on the table at all :LOL

Natural consequences work well for my kids. When my dd did this, there was not really anyone to pick up her spoon. If she demanded her sister do it, sister always required a polite "please". I can always make myself busy enough so there is no benefit to throwing things. Basically, it gets no air time. I guess their age just dictates they be contrarians, and rather than start a power struggle I would just let the consequence happen.

At this point she is aware that it bothers you, I wouldn't keep reminding her about that.

[hipumpkins]

Thanks! I'm going to try the ignoring thing. Wish me luck! It's so hard to ignore since she will often do it and than say, "What did I do?" Waiting for me to respond. Who taught her how to talk anyway? :LOL

[cosmos]

Originally Posted by hipumpkins

Who taught her how to talk anyway? :LOL

yup :LOL

[Fiercemama]

Just wanted to chime in on the "because, because, because" thing. You've already said that this is about setting boundaries. I think its totally OK to say that the conversation is over. You've given a reason and that can be the end of the discussion.

Hand your DD a rag and get her down on the floor with you at the end of the meal. She may not do a great job, but she will get the idea. My DD went through a phase like this, but now asks me for a rag when there is a spill. I have to go back and finish up the job, but its a start.

[IdentityCrisisMama]

One suggestion I’ve seen is having a throwing “party” at another time which might satisfy the urge.

If it’s truly about getting a reaction out of you, I agree that ignoring it would probably be best. I find ignoring some undesirable behavior to be the best choice with my child.

[Suzetta]

When the throwing or deliberate dropping starts over here, the meal is cleared away, whether she is finished or not. She might get hungry waiting for the next meal, but she won't starve to death by any means. She has learned not to do any tossing until she has had enough to eat, that is for sure. She rarely tosses things from her tray any longer.

I think you are on the right track by speaking sternly to her, and telling her it is not allowed...but you do not owe her an explanation. If my dd makes a mess on the floor, I will clear her tray away, and make her stay in her high chair while I clean the whole kitchen. As I am cleaning I let her know that I am not very happy with "this mess". I clean her up lastly, and the day goes on.

I think it is important to be matter of fact about it, not get angry, and be patient. Sooner or later she will stop.

I had a really bad issue with my dd clearing her tray in one swipe, it was more like a temper tantrum. I had to get really "mean" about this one, as it seemed to be going on too long. She really seemed to enjoy doing it when there was an audience, or when going out to eat. I turned her high chair with the back facing the rest of us, and didn't pay any attention to her until everybody else was done with their meal. Then I cleaned up the mess and never said a word to her. I informed my mom (her favorite audience) what was going on. She did it when we were out with her, and my mom did the same thing. She never did it again. Having grandma turn her about made a strong impact.

[Noodle Noodle]

I'm having the same trouble with my two year old. Exactly the same. Someone once told me that if kids are actually hungry, they won't throw away their food, they'll eat it. I think some problems can be avoided by not expecting kids to eat like adults are used to eating - most kids are grazers. They like a few bites of this or that now, and then some more in a half an hour. Even if they need to eat, some kids get bored sitting through a whole meal. I find it works best if I give my kids food to eat one thing at a time. Or small small small amounts (a few bites each) of two or three things. That way, usually they eat the food before they get bored of sitting there. So my daughter will get five bite-size pieces of chicken and three slices of cucumber and ten noodles instead of a "full helping" of each. I'd rather get up to refill once or twice than clean the remainder off the floor every five minutes. I also waste a lot less food this way. She might still throw her plate, and I can correct her and explain why we don't do that, but the mess is better, and as a result I can remain a lot calmer and more patient (and give her less of the aggravated reaction she is looking for too).

Jen

[hipumpkins]

I know this is old but I wasn't online for about a month and I wanted to thank the rest of you for your advice. Things are not quite as throwy these days but it does on occasion still happen. I am going to try to the very small portion thing, too. Thanks again!