Tips for encouraging sibling harmony

[WriterMama]

What do you do to help your children communicate, cooperate with and mostly enjoy each other? I feel like I'm constantly managing arguments between them. One is always picking at the other just to see the other blow up and get mad (they are 2 and 4). It is really started to wear on me!

And then, they can act like the best of friends--so sweet and happy and cooperative in their play. I love those moments

I have read Siblings without Rivalry, but I did so when I was pg with child #2, and at that point is was all very theoretical. I need to reread it, but I'd still love to hear any ideas you use with your children to keep the conflicts to a minimum. Thanks!

[AngelBee]

They are a team. They even have super hero names!

I can't think of how to explain it right now.....I will be back!

[my2girlsmama]

Well, mine are 1 and 5.

I find I just remind the older one of how her little sis adores her, how important her role of big sis is, in that she will be teaching baby everything she has come to learn, and I praise her as very valuable to the relationship overall. I remind her to maintain space (she likes to kiss and get in baby's face), share (takes her toys alot) and be kind..........I tell her that any meanness shown now will teach baby to treat HER that way, so she needs to watch how she treats her. I just redirect and remind, and I tell her how I felt as a big sis (I am a big sis to a younger sis who is 6 years younger....)and how vital it was to be nice and loving...........

So far so good.

[MsMoMpls]

Think of them like baby lions chewing on each other and leave them alone to work out their relationship as much as possible. Rivalry requires parents... it isn't a two person problem, it is a triangle problem... sharing parents. Almost no one ever comes into therapy about their siblings, but they do feel their parents took sides or didn't understand them or yelled too much. And read the book. I read that one 16 years ago when I was a foster mom and it is still the only book that really addresses this issue well that I know of.

[oliversmum2000]

i toohave a 2yo and a 4yo who get on pretty well most of the time. i basically try not to interfear and allow them to develop their own relationship. when the little one is getting annoyed with the big one and starting to sound bothered i dont step in if i can help it as generally within seconds he is laughing his socks off and i feel if i were to constantly tell ds 1 how to play with his little brother i would put him off playing with him which would be far sadder for ds 2 than having his big brother bother him sometimes.

my ds 2 likes to play in a very rough way with ds 1 and so gets hurt sometimes, what i do then is explain to ds 1 that i know he didnt mean to hurt his brother but that he is sad and that and that he ds1 needs to fix it. he is getting very good at this and normally by the time he has run up to me and told me what has happened (ie i hit him too hard - he always tells me exactly what he did i think because he is never tld off, we just use it as an opportunity to teach him how to fix his mistakes) he has already kissed ds and said sorry.

if that hasnt worked i give him other ideas, i will tell him to go and get ds 2 a cool toy or tell him to pick up ds 2 and say come on lets go and play (which nearly always works)

that way they are developing a relationship not based on my intervention. ds 1 is learning how to take responsibility for his actions and make things better. i think learning mistakes are not the end of the world. and he then continues to play with his brother which makes ds 2 happy as to be honest i dont think he is ever hurt that much anyway.

this behavious is working really well as it has now started to extend to when ds 2 has hurt himself and it was nothing to do with ds 1 as he knows making his brother happy again isnt a punishment its just something good to do and he seems quite happy to do it when ds 2 just falls over and hurst himself.

i am not saying their relationship is perfect, sometimes ds 2 really wants to hug ds 1 and ds 1 wont that drives me nuts, but i do try not to intervene and i feel it is working as they play together quite a lot and i dont feel my ds 1 worries that he cannot play with ds 2 for fear of being told off if something goes wrong.

of course i will step in if i am really needed if they cannot resolve a toy dispute or something like that as they are still both very young but i do try to do it in an impartial non judgemental way and i always try and help them to see the best in each other and not get mad at each other.

for instance if ds 2 is trying to take a toy from ds 1 i wouldnt tell ds 2 not to be naughty / horible or anything like that i would let him know that ds 1 is playing with that right now and maybe he can have a turn when his big brother is finished and then try and find something else for ds 2, i try to empathise with their feelings within earshot of their brother to help them to learn to empathise with each other.

sorry this is very long its just as my sister and i never got on well at all this is something i have put a lot of thought into and is very important to me that i help my boys to get along with each other as much as i can

[Linda KS]

It sounds like the little one isn't busy enough. When my younger DD gets bored, she bugs her sister.

My solution at that age was playdough. I know it sounds odd, but making a fresh batch of playdough together (which meant we were all doing something and broke the cycle for a few minutes) and then got out the playdough toys (which were stored neatly together in a rubbermaid container). It was my way of redirecting them.

[WriterMama]

Thanks everyone. I appreciate the thoughts and ideas. I need to dig out the SWR book (it's packed in the garage after many moves).

I really struggle with this because both my parents and my dh's parents were so hands-off in our sibling relationships that we ended up fighting like cats and dogs with our nearest siblings and feeling absolutely no remorse about it (my sister and I were just evil to each other and no one ever seemed to notice or care : ) . I think our sibling relationships were hurt by our parents' inaction, because not only did they not intervene, they also didn't teach us the skills to resolve our own conflicts. Ugh. I want to do what's right but I hardly know. I will find my book and read it, though. Thanks

[gaialice]

I also have a 4 year old and a 2 year old. Mostly they get along well, although they do not play with each other all that much. Mostly, it is independent parallel play. They do get into each other's way, at times, though.

Unfortunately I only read SWR when dd2 was 2, and I realized when I read the book that I had already developed a bad habit of resolving their dispute for them, and was intervening too much and especially not in the right way.

So I tried it out. In the beginning, since by now they were dependent on me, it was not an easy cycle to break. So I would do nothing and just say: "Can you think of anything to resolve this between the two of you so that you are both happy" Then, since they were shrieking and something had to be done, I would verbalize my solution "If you really cannot think of anything, you'll have to take turns at the toy" And let them do that. However, as of recently, my 4 year old has actually started to respond and be more creative. However, it took a long while. So be persistent and open any intervention with the same phrase. Eventually, it will sink in that when there is a conflict there is ALWAYS a better solution than the brutal use of power and shrieking.
Mommy to dd1 (4 years old) and dd2 (2 years old)