I'm making a mess for you to clean up, Mommy - Page 2

[kavamamakava]

He's really not a cooperator. If I ask him to put something in the trash, he says "You do it." He generally likes to live to the beat of a different drum. It seems he's a homebody and a loner. I'm actually considering looking for therapy for him. I just don't know what to do.

[HunnyBunnyMummy]

Building on gaialice's comment, here's a zany idea: For one whole day, play him. Go around making a mess and really enjoy it. If he asks you what you are doing, say you are making a mess for him to clean up. He may play you and clean it up (fantastic), or he may join in making the mess. But perhaps if he chooses the latter, it could be a nice way to connect on a different level with him. Who knows what could come out of a conversation about it afterwards?

My little one is only 5 months, but this is something that I could imagine myself doing! (But maybe it has to do with the fact that I like getting messy...)

[abac]

Maybe I should work on a schedule. But I hate schedules so I don't know how this will work out.

Well, I hate schedules too, but maybe you could have a routine instead. I don't schedule anything in my day, but I always try to do the dishes after we eat because otherwise it doesn't get done.

[Noodle Noodle]

I have a thought about this. Some have suggested NOT cleaning up. One preschool teacher I know believes that kids are naturally drawn to and prefer order, if left to their own devices. When her daughter is not cleaning things up, she'll let it go for a few days or a week until the play area is total chaos and she can't play at all or find anything, at which point she complains that she can't play and can understand, hands-on, the natural consequence of making a mess and not cleaning it up. Another natural consequence: things that don't get put away get broken - if your son's crayons all get stepped on and then you tell him you will not replace toys that are ruined because they are not cared for - it's a natural consequence. Or, in seeking natural consequences, what if he were unable to do certain things he enjoyed, like take a dip in the wading pool or read a favorite book after lunch or something, because you were not available for that activity because "Mommy has to clean up the messes that were left on the floor." In another year or so, you'll be able to do more of the Faber & Mazlish problem-solving techniques, but he's probably still a little young for that, although you might try planting the seeds for that stuff now.

Good luck,
Jen

[lifetapestry]

We have no power struggles at our house about cleaning up messes, and we have no messes of any significant nature.

I also think that some kids have to be guided into understanding the meaning of cooperation, which to me means reciprocity: you help me do what I want done and I will help you do what you want done.

The method is very simple: I observe (or help make) said mess. At a time when I know I can spend a few minutes helping, I ask DS (almost 4, although I've used this method for about 18 months) to clean up (and I offer to help). If he says no or otherwise indicates he is not going to do it, I drop it and let it go. Before too long, he'll be back next to me asking for something-- a snack, to go outside, etc. I will say "yes, as soon as the mess is cleaned up." In the beginning he would cry and fuss and be angry about it, but it didn't take long until he was cleaning up by himself (without me asking). He figured out pretty quickly that it was better to not have it interfere with his future plans . . . .

I think it helps that I'm generally a "yes" Mom-- I say yes to most things and am usually up for just about anything. My DS is active and enjoys going to the park and to his favorite places about town. So for me to say "yes, but" was an easier thing for him to hear-- and I think it's preferable to saying "no, not until you've cleaned up.".

Karla

[kavamamakava]

Originally Posted by HunnyBunnyMummy

Building on gaialice's comment, here's a zany idea: For one whole day, play him. Go around making a mess and really enjoy it. If he asks you what you are doing, say you are making a mess for him to clean up. He may play you and clean it up (fantastic), or he may join in making the mess. But perhaps if he chooses the latter, it could be a nice way to connect on a different level with him. Who knows what could come out of a conversation about it afterwards?

My little one is only 5 months, but this is something that I could imagine myself doing! (But maybe it has to do with the fact that I like getting messy...)

That's a pretty neat idea

[kavamamakava]

Jen, consequences do not phase him in the least bit. When his crayons are all broken, he scours the house looking for pens. When his toys are all out of reach because he won't pick them up, he plays with the toilet paper. He doesn't give a fig for any type of situation where I do something to try to manipulate him into a certain response. I'm always telling him that I'm unavailable for an activity because I'm cleaning a mess. His response is to make a mess somewhere else in the house. Mess does confuse him and he really does much better in an orderly house. But he has no desire to make it orderly. If his room is too messy, he just doesn't play in there.
What is Faber and Mazlish?

[kavamamakava]

Originally Posted by lifetapestry

We have no power struggles at our house about cleaning up messes, and we have no messes of any significant nature.

I also think that some kids have to be guided into understanding the meaning of cooperation, which to me means reciprocity: you help me do what I want done and I will help you do what you want done.

The method is very simple: I observe (or help make) said mess. At a time when I know I can spend a few minutes helping, I ask DS (almost 4, although I've used this method for about 18 months) to clean up (and I offer to help). If he says no or otherwise indicates he is not going to do it, I drop it and let it go. Before too long, he'll be back next to me asking for something-- a snack, to go outside, etc. I will say "yes, as soon as the mess is cleaned up." In the beginning he would cry and fuss and be angry about it, but it didn't take long until he was cleaning up by himself (without me asking). He figured out pretty quickly that it was better to not have it interfere with his future plans . . . .

I think it helps that I'm generally a "yes" Mom-- I say yes to most things and am usually up for just about anything. My DS is active and enjoys going to the park and to his favorite places about town. So for me to say "yes, but" was an easier thing for him to hear-- and I think it's preferable to saying "no, not until you've cleaned up.".

Karla

Thanks for telling me how you do it, Karla. In fact, that sounds exactly like what goes on in my house. My son just doesn't care. He doesn't really like to leave the house either. The other day he got sick of me pussyfooting around the word No. I was on my hands and knees scrubbing the kitchen floor and he wanted to draw on it with chalk. I kept giving him reasons why he couldn't do it right then and telling him we would do it tomorrow, etc. He finally drew on it when I turned my back. When I expressed my frustration, he said "Mommy, you should just say NO!."