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Is it morally okay to cut your parents out of your life? - Page 3

post #41 of 46
Yes, there are situations where it is morally ok to cut your parents out of your life. Sometimes it is actually your obligation, in order to protect your family. DH and I had to cut MIL out of our lives in order to protect our marriage and our baby. I couldn't even begin to describe the nightmare that she has been to me...it would take all day.

I wanted to pass along this website though, for anyone struggling with the question of whether or not to do this, or struggling with major parent/IL issues. It is a Christian-based site run by women (just wanted to give that disclaimer for anyone who might not be a fan), but there are some REALLY great articles on parent-child interaction that can help you assess your situation, how to handle certain circumstances, and when to walk away.


If you click on the links on the left, it gives you additional drop-down links to the articles. The site is primarily focused on emotional abuse, but it really is all-encompassing, and helped DH and I make the decision we made, and to know that we did the right thing. Hope someone finds it helpful
post #42 of 46
I find it sad but interesting that there aren't threads around that say: Do I leave/abandon my family/children in search of a better life (whatever that is) and yet there are moms all over this board from families of single mothers...or raised by their grandparents, etc. And I'm thinking more in terms of fathers who leave because that seems to be the majority of parents who leave--not mothers who leave WITH their children.
And yet, at the same time, there are threads like this all over the place that ask: why can't I, as an adult, break the ties with my parents who are ___fill in the blank: verbally or emotionally abusive, cruel, sexually abusive, toxic in a myriad of ways, etc., etc.,______?
I think if your parents are toxic, it's your responsibility to cut them loose. I disagree with the poster who said that her parent is ill and so now she is re-connecting with her parent. I hope it does work out for her, but guilt should never be a reason for a relationship---which may not be HER case--but it sounds like if YOU (the OP) continued in a relationship with your own parents it WOULD BE out of guilt. It doesn't sound like it's out of love.
I love my father, he is a limited human being in many many ways--but the difference between him and my mother is that now and then, he will surprise me and call me out of the blue and tell me that he has been thinking about me because he read an article in the paper about a project that I am involved in, etc. However, my mother is another story: I will call her (something that I have recently given up and SURPRISE SURPRISE--she does NOT call me--EVER) and she will literally cut me off in mid-sentence about something major that I have done: run a marathon, my child is now reading, potty trained, I just got a research contract, etc., and she will COMPLAIN about her dog, or her cable bill! She is not limited, like my father, she is selfish and ONLY cares about herself. She has NPD BIG TIME. And I cannot trust her with my feelings. Ever. She is poison.
So--I just say to myself: you are not my role model. And now I avoid her.
By the way--cutting your parents out of your life does not have to be this big official write-off with a letter or a phone call--it can be gradual, like not returning calls, not calling and allowing them to drift away--maybe passive aggressive in some ways...but healthiest for you. Like you might do with a person in your life that you realize is not meant to be a friend.
My brother did this to my mom long ago--and it actually worked really well. He said he was working whenever she demanded to drop everything and run to her house to fix this or that...and not caring about his responsibilities, etc. And he still sees them once in a while--but by and large, he knows his limits and avoids them. He will call Dad now and then (my parents are still together--but they might as well not be) and then he spends a few minutes talking to Dad--but as soon as he hears Mom's voice in the background--he gets off the phone. A slow break might be better in the long run...and then if you feel like you have to TELL them that you are terminating the relationship with them, then it will be in title only for the most part, if that makes sense.
post #43 of 46
Okay, I have only read OP so I hope what I say fits. I know that threads can really get moving. It sounds like you definitely need a breather from your parents. It sounds to me like they have disowned you but have offered you a chance - whether it's a chance to control you or a chance to prove to themselves that they are being righteous, I don't know. Anyway, IMO, you need to stay away from them until you feel like you can handle them - stand up to them, not feel bad for any callous treatment from them. You need to heal, m'dear.
post #44 of 46
In answer to the question in the title:

post #45 of 46
I cut my father out about 20 years ago (he passed away 4 years ago) it was the best decision I ever made. He was absolutely TOXIC! I heard from my brother (who is next on the get outa my life list) that my father had passed. He couldn't understand why I was not willing to get on a plane at 8 months pregnant to go the funeral of a man I had not seen or spoken to in 16 years.

Do what you have to do for your sanity...unfortunately, you can't pick your family, but you don't need to keep them either.
post #46 of 46
Dr. Wayne Dyer answered a similar question this way

Paraphrasing but he said.

Relationships never end, but they do evolve and change and sometimes the best change is to not be together or around each other. Send the person love, forgive the person in your heart and move on with peace to a new place without guilt.
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