How to handle this? Will we ever see dsd again? LONG - Page 2

[Flor]

Sorry, mamastar2, if I am writing too much, but your case is sticking in my head. I am here teaching my class (well, they are watching a movie to day and I am grading papers) and I feel so sad for the whole thing. I feel so sad about divorce in general and the kids and adults hurt by it. Our marriages are for happiness and how sad that they also bring sadness and disappointment. I love my stepson but wish he was just mine so there wasn't all this extra stuff, extra pain, conflict, involved in the raising of him. I look at my own ds and he won't really be a part of that. However, I think dss is more sensitive than other kids to feelings and nuances because of his early experiences and maybe that is the good.

Isn't it kidnapping if court papers say they are with you and they are not? I mean, if the biomom here tried to pick up dss from school on a day she shouldnt, that's what it would be. How can she just not send them? Seriously, before we were married there was one day when biomom said she wouldn't take dss to preschool becasuse she didn't feel like it, so dh said he couldn't go with her and 30 minutes later she's at the door with two cops. Ugly, yes. But it makes a point.

[Shenjall]

I'm in canada too. I hear ya with the court systems. They say they are family friendly when in fact they are blindly biomom friendly. (I'll go into detail much later....)

But anyway, mammastar, I'm with Jennifer on this one. Bringing in the cops and courts may be ugly but sometimes its a neccessary evil. Your s-kids need to be fought for! For you guys and for them!

Get a second opinion with your lawyer. We trusted our first one until we got screwed, so we have a better one who's actually fighting for us.

I do understand the emotional drain of courts, I really do. What province are you in? Do you have the "for the sake of the children" course? It helped my ex calm down and become a bit more reasonable.

[lilgsmommy]

If you go for a visit for a week or so can you try setting up a medeation (sp?) between you and dh and her and maybe even the older dsd? I know here in California children over the age of 8 are required to be present for them. It would save money on court costs but would still involve lawyers, but it might get the point across to mom about everything. And it would allow dsd to see that dad is fighting for her and hopefully things could get settled this way. JMHO

[mammastar2]

Hi Shenjall,

Thanks! Our last lawyer was number four, believe it or not - by then I knew how to find a competent one (ask your favourite practitioner who teaches at your law school who she's been up against in town and been impressed by). If we did continue with the court battles, we'd have to find another one though, as she now is moving away from family law. Can't think why... Her last advice to us was free and thoughtful. It's so hard not to think about how if a judge really looked at this, they'd "see" and fix the situation, but I think she was honest with us.

The course you mentioned is excellent. It's mandatory now for divorcing couples with kids, but was voluntary when he and the ex split. Guess which one of them took it and which didn't?

Thanks again for your thoughts, Jennifer. Yes, you're right, it is really truly wrong to put kids through this, and it's very frustrating when you're desperately trying to put the kids first on your side but don't have a lot to work with.

We have had a few interactions with police around access issues. Basically, they leave anything to do with custody and access disputes the heck alone around here. I spoke to various officers a few times on a fact-finding mission about the strength of dh's court-ordered access rights (even with the joint custody) and that's the message I got. On the plus side,at least in our case, they and social services also told me they'd probably also leave any false abuse or kidnapping allegations from the ex the heck alone too.

[Shenjall]

It's so hard not to think about how if a judge really looked at this, they'd "see" and fix the situation,

I know! Like, come on mr/mrs judge, look! Just look and see how nuts she is?! Why cant you see it???!!!! Our lawyer mentioned that sometimes judges have "tunnel vision" when it comes to kids. Like, they keep reading in the-perfect-world-where-both-parents-have-a-clue textbook and not at each individual. I'm not putting down judges! Ours was pretty good. He gave dh's ex quite the tongue lashing for the things she had been up to, but still had to follow the "textbook".....

Man, oh man. I feel for you. I hope that somehow you can get the kids. They really need some stability!

All the best,

[SillyTreeFairy]

How Sad!

Mammastar, how sad! I am so MAD for you.

I understand everyone wanting to help because it is so wrong for you to be so helpless. This surely isn't the best for your dsd, and if she was honest, she wouldn't probably want to miss seeing her father.

Honestly, why can't we change the courts? Their ridiculous bias is often unhealthly for the kids involved.