Anyone else feel Bad at being a SAHM?

[OTMomma]

Being a SAHM was something I always wanted to do. Before dh and I got married I told him I planned to SAH when we had kids. But it turns out, I'm not very good at it. I've been a SAHM for almost 3 years now. Some of that time I've worked part time, just a few hours a week, but I currently don't. I hate house cleaning and I'm not good at it, I just can't figure out where to put things or where to start or anything.

I was really good at being a mommy when dd was a baby. But I really can't handle this age she is now. She is a high needs child and she is very dissagreeable. I feel like I fight with her all day long. Not everyday, but a lot of days. It starts with- "Its time to get dressed, do you want to wear the red dress or the green dress?" "No, I'm naked and I'm staying naked" "But we need to go to the store today, we don't have food" "I don't care, leave me here". She will turn 3 in July. She won't eat, and then she gets all low blood sugar and hateful. She wants me to nurse her, and I just can't. She has declaired she is not going to potty train. But she is poo trained, and stays dry all night, and for HOURS during the day- she is physically able, just refuses. I feel so frustrated. I also feel like I am bad at playing with her.

I feel like my job is being a SAHM. And that as such, I should be a fun mom, who plays with her kid, takes her on outings and keeps the house clean. But I'm not. I've considered going back to work, but my dd is so high strung I can't imagine putting her in day care and I have no family or friends here to help me.

This week we are going to go on a family vacation. Dd is a much better child when dh is around, so it should be a good week.

Anyway, it feels good to just be able to complain. But I wondered if there are other SAHM's who feel this way? Or have felt this way and worked through it to enjoy being a SAHM? I keep thinking that when dd gets just a little older, it will be better, am I deluding myself?

[Eman'smom]

I can't offer any advice, but I could have written your post, not the exact child examples, though my two would be naked all day if I let them :LOL but your feeling are just like mine.

Almost a year ago I quit my job to stay home, I'd been working on and off since ds was born, but finally commited last year, and it was going to be great, I couldn't wait, it was going to be so wonderful. Both kids are spirited to say the least, but when I had the time to focus on them 100% they would be great, we'd do cooking projects, crafts, trips to the zoo, the whole wonderful bit, we'd find a great playgroup so I could meet new mom friends (we moved) and they'd have new friends.......



Well lets just say I have yet to find a playgroup that fits us. I often find projects, crafts and cooking frustrating and more work than we get out of it, 10 minutes of prep for 5 minutes of play for 30 minutes of clean up, not all the time, but you know what I mean. I do enjoy outtings with them, but then I deal with "no I don't want to go to x, I wanted to go to y" well I let you pick and you picked x, well I changed my mind........


I think some people are baby people, some are toddler people, some are child people, some teenage people........ I just don't think toddlers are my cup of tea.

What has helped with my 4 year old is he is in some activities, I never thought he'd like them but he does, he goes to a 45 minute gymnastics class and preschool 2.5 hours a day twice a week. It's not much but he really enjoys them.


Just wanted to say your not alone. I can't imagine leaving them again to go back to work but it is a trying time. I feel like all I do is try to avoid disaster. It also doesn't help when I talk to other SAH's who love everything about there kids and being at home, I feel like I'm doing something wrong.

[Greaseball]

I never wanted to be a mom until I already was. My second child was planned but not my first. I also never planned to quit my job. But it's the way things are now.

I sometimes feel like I'm only SAHMing because it's what's best, not because it's what I really want. I often don't feel good at it. I get bored playing with the kids. I'm easily distracted and check MDC and my e-mail 20 times a day or more. I sleep in as late as I possibly can and yes, my oldest watches TV.

I get tired of the screaming and crying that starts whenever I leave the room; not having any private time in the bathroom or shower; not being able to talk on the phone without someone screaming at me in the background; being expected to do my job on very little sleep; and not being able to leave the house without an hour or more of getting the kids ready to go.

At least I like to cook...

[Mothra]

I feel this way sometimes, like I'm just going through the motions. My kids are relatively easy to parent. We don't have any special needs issues, don't deal with the tantrums and such, they mostly like each other. I feel sometimes like I should be doing more with them. I manage to get out to playgroup a few times a week and to the beach, but when we're at home, which is most of the time, they just play together. I'm not good at arts and crafts type stuff.

I love my kids and mostly enjoy staying home with them, but sometimes it feels like a sacrifice and not so much something that comes "naturally" to me. When it is good it is very good, when it is bad it feels very bad. I'm sticking it out, though, because I can't imagine putting my 16mo in daycare right now. I feel horrible just imagining it. My 3yo would be fine, but not the youngest. I'm going to stay home with them full-time until my youngest is at least three, and then I'll either go back to school or do something part-time.

I do it because I feel like it is best and not because it is what I want, too.

[Greaseball]

I alternate between wanting to homeschool forever and wanting the kids to grow up and move out of the house. Everyone tells me to enjoy the baby years because they grow so fast...I don't think they are growing up nearly fast enough!

[onlyzombiecat]

I have felt that way at times. I think part of it is your child's age. I know dd was very tough to deal with like that at 2 and 3 but is much easier as she has gotten older.
My dd also refused potty training. She is 5 and just suddenly using the toilet regularly. I think it was mostly mental resistance to growing up.
I'm doing better with housework these days. I reduced our stuff and we have more places to put things away. Dd plays more on her own so it is easier to do other things.
You don't have to take your kids on outings or do craft projects every day to be a good SAHM. Your house doesn't have to look perfect either.

[shishkeberry]

Wow Greaseball, you said exactly what I wanted to. I only have one DS, and he's not even a year old yet, but I already feel like this. I think I'm just not a baby person I love him a lot, but I think I'll like him more when he's older, like 6+ years. I sure wasn't ready for him, though.

[simply me]

Well..... i am a SAHM for OMG 8 yrs now!!!! Holy cow. Anyhow over the years i have had good & bad days. some days oh i feel it is a strugle to get to lunchtime. I have called my mom in tears plenty of times. I don't enjoy cleaning i just do what i can & when i can. I make sure it is hygenic & clean in that sense but the messes well they can stay their for days it seems some times. i have my putlets as well to help me threw the week. I have my nails & feet done, shopping trips alone etc. Hubby realizes i need me time in order to make a productive & somewhat happy wife & mom.

I always knew i wanted to be home. I think it is a tough tyhing for lots of mamas i know. Some breeze threw the days & i am in aw. Most others i know feel like i do.

Personally though i wouldn't give it up. It is so great that in todays world a parent can stay home.


Good luck & hugs.....
oh hey somedays i to want to stay naked!!!!

[Llyra]

I think I'm a pretty good SAHM. What I'm NOT good at is being a HOUSEWIFE. Housework is definitely not my thing, and DH and I still share the housework about as evenly as we did when I was working 14 hours a day. I am always running into people who assume that because I'm home with DD that I must be spending my time keeping my house beautifully clean and cooking home-cooked meals and all that. NOT. That's just not my personality. I stay home because DD needs a full-time presence in her life, but I spend my time writing, reading, engaging in small-scale activism, and generally busying myself with things that engage me intellectually. NOT housework! I think it's good for DD to see her mama active in the world, and to be able to come along with me as I do all these things.

[zinemama]

I think it's important to recognize the fact that being a sahm has nothing to do with housework. Cleaning the house is not part of the job description, and no one should judge her competence at the job on the basis of how her house looks.

Like the pp, my dh and I split up the work; my job is with the kids. Now, there are definitely times that I feel I'm not doing this job very well, that I'm not doing enough activities etc, that I'm too crabby, and I do sometimes feel like a "bad sahm" at those times. But it's not because the kitchen floor is dirty. And most of the time I feel like I'm doing this job as well as I can.

[moma justice]

i like being a sahm....what makes me mad is the lack of respect i get for it.

my mil is the worst..she has always made comments, but has stepped it up by sending my dh little notes in the mail (with CASH of all things....) saying that i need to "learn how to help out" and that day care would "teach dd some rules"
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
maybe we all would like our jobs more, if we lived in a culture that worshiped mothering, birthing, nursing, and baking bread.
seriously
most of the time i have a hard time feeling like what i am doing is of value
how crazy...i am making a wonderful person.

[Dechen]

I'm good at being a SAHM (terrible housewife). On the other hand, I don't always like being a SAHM. Not by a long shot.

I'm at home because I think it is what is best for my daughter. I love her to pieces, but my life is not very satisfying. I'm an introvert and an intellectual, and I spend massive amounts of energy entertaining/calming/protecting my spirited and fearless dd, and managing all the crazy pets. I'm doing it all profoundly sleep deprived, and I count down every day until 6 pm when dh gets home.

I think if I were getting sleep, or if dd weren't so needy and such a risk taker, I'd find it all easier.

If I felt like she'd really get what she needs in daycare, I'd be outta here!
She wouldn't and so here I am! When its good its great, but when its bad, hoo boy.

[Aiti]

I understand how you feel. I sometimes feel like every other SAHM in the world must be doing a better job than me. I do love my kids dearly and I do enjoy spending time with them, but I also get tired of playing Lego's or whatever, I probably don't do enough educational/creative activities with them, and I'm a pretty bad housekeeper.

But ... I wouldn't change my decision to be a full-time parent for anything. If I step back and look objectively, I do see the difference my constant and reassuring presence is making in their lives. Note that I said presence - not a clean house, not perfect meals, not interesting educational activities - just constant, stable, loving presence. I think we take for granted how powerful that one gift can be for a child.

[Ruthla]

Kids go through phases where they're "easier" or "harder." If you WOH, you'd STILL have a strong-willed little girl who didn't want to get dressed, only you'd be stressed out that she was making you late for work, rather than "having to get to the supermarket sometime before dinnertime."

You're a SAHM, not a SAHC (stay at home cleaner.) Your job is mothering- raising a secure, well adjusted child. Your job is not to keep the house shiny, clean and organized, nor is it to be your child's social director. I personally beleive that children need far fewer activities than many people think they need. If you enjoy going on outings with your kid(s) that's fine- but you don't have to feel obligated to "go somewhere" if you all feel like spending the day in the backyard counting the blades of grass instead. It's even ok if you feel like spending the day lying on the living room floor while your kids use you as a jungle gym.

[Deepa]

Aiti just voiced exactly how I feel about being a SAHM. Sometimes I feel bad about all the shortcomings and feel guilty and vow to do a better job the next day, but I am glad I am there for my son every minute.

Deepa.

[AngelBee]

Originally Posted by OTMomma

Being a SAHM was something I always wanted to do. Before dh and I got married I told him I planned to SAH when we had kids. But it turns out, I'm not very good at it. I've been a SAHM for almost 3 years now. Some of that time I've worked part time, just a few hours a week, but I currently don't. I hate house cleaning and I'm not good at it, I just can't figure out where to put things or where to start or anything.

I was really good at being a mommy when dd was a baby. But I really can't handle this age she is now. She is a high needs child and she is very dissagreeable. I feel like I fight with her all day long. Not everyday, but a lot of days. It starts with- "Its time to get dressed, do you want to wear the red dress or the green dress?" "No, I'm naked and I'm staying naked" "But we need to go to the store today, we don't have food" "I don't care, leave me here". She will turn 3 in July. She won't eat, and then she gets all low blood sugar and hateful. She wants me to nurse her, and I just can't. She has declaired she is not going to potty train. But she is poo trained, and stays dry all night, and for HOURS during the day- she is physically able, just refuses. I feel so frustrated. I also feel like I am bad at playing with her.

I feel like my job is being a SAHM. And that as such, I should be a fun mom, who plays with her kid, takes her on outings and keeps the house clean. But I'm not. I've considered going back to work, but my dd is so high strung I can't imagine putting her in day care and I have no family or friends here to help me.

This week we are going to go on a family vacation. Dd is a much better child when dh is around, so it should be a good week.

Anyway, it feels good to just be able to complain. But I wondered if there are other SAHM's who feel this way? Or have felt this way and worked through it to enjoy being a SAHM? I keep thinking that when dd gets just a little older, it will be better, am I deluding myself?

DID YOU STEAL MY JOURNAL???


I have the same problem...only 3 children instead of one. I hate cleaning.....mostly because I am not good at cleaning and have the attention span of a bee on crack!

[mystic~mama]

I'm feeling the same way...reading this makes me feel a little better but I also just want to cry.....most of the past 3 years I have loved being home but there have been times lately (like now) when I feel drained, lost, tired, bored and crappy.....my military dh is back home now and we are adjusting to living together again after 2 years apart...we were all natural, no tv, mama and baby and now its all different...its hard...I love having a basic structure to our day it works best for us and the day flows and is nice... but sometimes I cant find the flow and its rough

[meowee]

hi,

first off, SAHMing is not about housecleaning. Housecleaning is about housecleaning. It has nothing to do with whether or not you are nice/ good mom. Sure, you might be a terrible housekeeper, but so what? There are more important things in life. If it bugs DH it could cause some problems, but I tell DH before he complains, he should help out with housecleaning or do some serious child watching while I houseclean. I'm lucky in that he almost never complains.

It sounds like you DD is high needs. I know some moms who could not SAH with their high needs child. If you feel that is the case, you needn't apologize. Are you planning on homeschooling? Sorry if this question has been asked, I'm responding without reading all the other replies yet.

I have a friend with a high needs DS and she was going to homeschool but it would be impossible. I couldn't even SAH with that child and I am very devoted to SAHMing.

On the other hand, maybe you are taking everything too personally with DD. I used to think my kids were out of control but then I realized I was being a little bit of a control freak and that in truth they were well behaved. If it's so serious that there's no food in the house and you need to go out, just stick her in those clothes and go! lol. be nice about it, but sometimes you have to do what you have to do. I have gently force-dressed kids before, no harm done.

[Zamber]

Originally Posted by moma justice

my mil is the worst..she has always made comments, but has stepped it up by sending my dh little notes in the mail (with CASH of all things....) saying that i need to "learn how to help out" and that day care would "teach dd some rules"
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH.

What a nut! for you! What does your husband do about this?

[psyche]

I've often felt the same way during these past (almost) three years of SAHMing. However, I'm probably happier with my son's current state of ...well, everything than I was in previous "toddler" or "baby" years. However, it probably helps that we keep ourselves pretty busy by going out nearly every morning & just "hanging out" the rest of the day.

I am a horrible housekeeper. My mother just never did it when I was younger so I often feel like I just don't even know where to begin. Well, I did feel that way once upon a time before someone introduced me to FlyLady last year. That site has some good tips for getting/staying organized by doing short burst of cleaning/organizing. I'm by no means a devotee because I still rebel against doing it regularly, but it helps.

As for potty-training ~ I don't think your child is late yet. Mine is about a month older and was still at that same point a month ago. One day I just decided that he would not be wearing any more diapers because he was using them as such a crutch. It's been a month now and he hasn't had another diaper on. Of course, this all only worked because he really was ready: he was dry at night (always woke up and peed) and for long stretches during the day. It was literally overnight that this happened.