He's Home!

[Busymommy3]

And I am SO nervous! Some background for anyone who doesn't know... I have three bio kids and my dh has a 9 yo son from a previous relationship. We have just received full custody of 9 yo Nathan David! Yes, he and dh flew in from OH yesterday! I actually got my act together and lugged all three kids into the city, to meet them at Logan Intl airport... it was an adventure!


I am so happy Nathan is with us, but I am unsure whether he is thrilled about everything or not. I don't expect him to be... I think he's in shock, he has come from being an only child to one of four! I still can't believe that I have FOUR kids: We took him out for dinner and then we went home. I showed him his room and he just crashed, it was only 8 p.m. When I went upstairs at 11 p.m. I heard him crying, so I asked dh to go talk to him. Nathan got real upset and told dh to butt out! I guess we have to give him space...

After that dh and I felt we could do no more, so we went to bed... When I woke up at 3 a.m. Lainy (who is supposed to be sleeping in her own room now) was fast asleep in the crib next to my bed (where she used to sleep). When Jude woke me up at 5 a.m. BOTH Teddy and Nathan were curled up next to me! Nathan scared me, because I hardly know him. I didn't bug him, he looked so peaceful!

I think that Nathan is angry and sad inside, dh and I just want to give him the loving, caring home that he deserves... I hope this works out... Thanks for reading everyone.

If anyone has any advice about 9yos I am all ears!

Lynn

[peggy]

What an exciting time for all of you!!
I think you are doing the right thing by giving him some space. This has to be a huge adjustment for him. I don't know what kind of situation he left, but it has to be hard to leave his old life behind. I think it will take time for him to find his "place" in your family.

I hope the transition is a smooth one for you all.
Please feel free to post updates here. I would love to hear how you're all doing.


peggy

[EnviroBecca]

I think it's a very good sign that he got into bed w/all of you! Seems like he's feeling like part of the family, or trying to. Just be laid-back and accept whatever he does as "normal" for him at this moment, unless it's totally unacceptable.

Kudos to you for wanting so much to be a good stepmama!

[anythingelse]

I have a son that is 8 will be 9 in march. He also crawls in with us if he he stressed, it is very normal. I hope that things work out well for you all, be prepared to watch not only him, but your other children have an adjustment also. We have added my sis kids to our family for periods of times and her kids adjusted quickly, my own got really jealous at first after the newness wore off. can be hard to watch for mom, I know how it goes.
I hope things settle down for you all and I suggest finding someone for your son to talk to and vent to outside of the family unit. Also a way for him to blow off that anger and feel in control of something like Karate, swimming, rock wall climbing, that is noncompetative and very physical, maybe something that just his dad can take him to a watch him do for a while during this adjustment period.
Mary
mom to 3 boys 14, 8, 5, and dd 11/99

[peggy]

Hi Lynn,
How is everything going?
Hadn't heard from you in a couple of days so I thought I'd check in.


peggy

[Busymommy3]

Sorry I haven't updated...

Well, I think that the newness hasn't worn off yet... He came hom Wednesday evening and we decided no to put him in school until this coming Tuesday because we were going to visit my MIL in New Hampshire on Friday. So on Thurs, dh went to work and I got three of my munchins out the door to see Nathan's new school. I submitted all the paperwork etc and we looked around a bit. It kinda shocked Lainy when she saw teddy eating lunch in the cafeteria, I guess she never really thought about where he went everyday. Now she keeps saying that she wants to go to school with Tedah (Teddy) and Nafan (just in case you were wondering she doesn't have a lisp, but the way soem words come out is really funny!).

After that I took the kids out to lunch and we went shopping. Nathan needed some new stuff, he only cmae with one midium sized suitcase. Most of his pants were really too short for him and some his shirts had some large holes in them. I think I overwhelmed him, he didn't know what the heck he wanted. But we figured it out, he looks good witht he new clothes!

Friday evening we all piled in the car and drove 3 hours to my MILs house Lord, I love road trips! So I am at MIL's house and trying to make the best of it. We plan on driving home tommorow night and Nathan will start school on Tuesday.

His behavior has been pretty good, but I have found that things go better if I just shut up! Like, yesterday evening I said "Nathan you should should go take your bath before you go to bed". He had a melt down! Tonight I shut up and he went upstairs and took his bath, so maybe he likes being independent??

[peggy]

Thanks for the update!! Sounds like things are going well. He is so lucky to have such a sensitive Mom..you are making this transition much less stressful by being so intuned to him.

Wishing you and your family all the best,
peggy

[susan61]

Wow, good for you busymommy3, uh 4? We recently relocated and ds left behind good friends and dad. I think boys at this age tend to already talk less about their feelings, so I've been conscientious about asking about them. Ds still melts down once in awhile, he'd rather I butt out, but I don't. I let him know what he is feeling is very important. I would encourage your ds (how great is that!) to talk about his 'life before' if you haven't been doing this already. Even if he left a not so great situation, he still likely had friends at school or familiar things, whatever they are and will need to talk about them. Ask what his life was like there. I dunno. Do keep us updated.
Peace,

[grisandole]

Kudos to you, mama! I have a 9yo boy (almost 10!) so feel free to pm me whenever you need to. I find that at this age, they do need to be independent and left alone, BUT they also need alot of tlc and to talk and let their feelings out........it's a delicate balance. Sometimes my son is annoyed at my questions, sometimes he talks my ear off. The key is just letting him know that I'm there....if he wants to talk, cool, if not, I drop it. And it is hard for any kid to move, so Nathan is dealing with that, as well as an instant family.....I think by giving him lots of love you'll make things as smooth as they can possibly be in his situation....I'm sending good wishes your way! You're an awesome mama!
Kristi

[Busymommy3]

Hi again!

Well it's only 5 a.m., but I ahve to get Teddy ready for school and get Nathan up so he can get used to his new routine.

His life before... Well, to be honest it's all a bit fuzzy. My dh talked to Nathan's maternal grandmother and learned a lot. Apparently, he spent a lot of time in day care. His Mom works at a restaurant, and is not the real motherly type. According to Nathan's grandma, Nathan's mom would work and then want to go out at night and she would, so Nathan would either be at daycare or with his Grandma. I mean he was never abused, but his Mom never had a lot of money for him. My dh stopped sending money to Nathan's mom about 5 years ago because he was afraid that she wasn't spending it on him. He has been sending the money to Nathan's grandmother. A real sad thing is that we have tried calling Nathan's mom every day, but we can never catch her. Nathan told me last night "She doesn't want to talk to me, only my Grandma Sheryl wants to me to call"

Thanks for all the support!

[susan61]

That is so sad about his mom. The boy will need some healing around that, either now or later. The sooner, the better, but he must be so hurt. On the other hand, how great to have such an involved grandma, so I guess you'd want to focus on the positive. Light and love being sent your way for a successful week

[Momx5]

It sounds like you have everything in perspective. You will all be fine!!

I have a 20 year old stepson, Bobby, and my husband and I have 5 children, ages, 5, 7, 9, 11, & 13.

Bobby never lived with us full-time but he was still not an only child when he was with us. He did have a hard time with jealousy at times. Our kids are crazy about him and he loves them too. He is thankful to us because he is part of a family here. With his mother it is very different. He has no other brothers and sisters and I know he appreciates us.

One suggestion for communicating with Nathan would be, write him little notes. Leave them in his lunch box, on his pillow, etc...

Good Luck!! And hang in there!! You are making a difference!!

[Clarity]

and maybe encourage him to call his grandma whenever he wants to during this transition?