Was your mom a SAHM and how does she feel about you being a SAHM?

[mags]

I am just curious about this and thought it would be an interesting topic.

My mom was a SAHM, but I always got the feeling it was not by choice, it was b/c my dad wanted her to SAH. She seemed really uphappy with the situation and tried several times to go back to the workforce, but was not able to do so, b/c my dad made it as difficult on her as possible. She also made a HUGE deal about consistently telling me as a child that no matter what, when I had my own kids, I MUST at least keep a part time job, so I am not financially dependent on my husband.

Well, fast forward to present day, I'm in my early 30's and I am now a SAHM to a 15 mo old with another baby on the way. I was an RN when I was working, and if I had a job that I actually liked before my son came along, I probably would have at least tried to continue working there PT or per diem. However, I hated my job, and DH and I agreed it would be best for me to be a SAHM, b/c we don't know or trust anyone else to take care of our kids (we've lived here for roughly 2 yrs and still know very few ppl). For the most part, ppl do not hassle me about being a SAHM, although there are occasions with DH and I will get into a argument about things (mostly housecleaning... he says he helps too much), that he thinks should be more of my responsibility. A few random acquaintances make the, "oh" comment when I tell them I am a SAHM now, but I try not to let them bug me.

It turns out the person who seems the most displeased about me being a SAHM is my own MOTHER!!!! I could not believe it! I think she feels I am wasting my education (I have two BS degrees), and she constantly says things that get on my nerves. Keep in mind, I went through infertility issues before having my first son, so being a mom to ME is one of the best things that has ever happened, while some ppl may take it for granted. She says things like, "what are you going to do with your life?" "Do you continue to study on your own?" Whatever that means. "Are you going to go back to school?" Which I DO want to go back to get my MSN to become a NP, but the closest programs are 1.5 hrs drive EACH way, I am not willing to leave my children for that long. If a local program opened up, I would definitely be interested. Last wknd she asked me, "do you still read?" WTH???? Does she think that b/c I am a SAHM, I have suddenly become illiterate and, "forgot" how to read??? It just really bothers me that she constantly makes these little digs and when I tell her to leave me alone, she gives me a guilt trip about how she only says these things, "b/c I care about you." UGH! I never expected this from her, I thought that as a SAHM herself that she would be a little more supportive, instead of being a SAHM boo'er.

I do plan on returning to work when the kids are older, since my DH and I agreed that while we are financially ok now, I will need to return to work so we can pay for our kids' college costs and to save for our retirement. I'm ok with that, but it irks me that my mom acts like I'm just throwing my life away being a SAHM. I have my good and bad days about being a SAHM, but at least I know that *I* am the primary caretaker for my own kids, not someone else and that is what's most important to my DH and I right now.

Anyway, just curious what your experiences have been.

As for my mil, I usually don't get along with her, BUT this is one decision that I made that she doesn't seem to have problems with, and she has been both a SAHM (when her boys were little) and WOHM. Actually, she has more of a problem with the idea of me pursuing my master's degree, but that's a different story for a different day.

[muttix2]

My mom was a SAHM so I don't have much trouble with her. It's my dad that doesn't approve. I think he feels like I'm wasting my intelligence by staying at home. If I say something about dh going back to school, he mentions that I should go. He always references "when you're working again". It really pisses me off and I've told him so. I LOVE being home with my kids and as long as I can manage it w/out living on the street I'm going to do it. Dh and I both agree that its the best thing for them. Of course, that doesn't stop it from embarrassing me when people treat me like I'm stupid for staying home. My dad has actually gotten better about it since I said something about how much I love being home. Maybe you can say something along the lines of you realize that she wasn't as happy as you are about being a SAHM but that doesn't mean that she shouldn't support you in your decision. Tell her that it hurts your feelings when she devalues what you do. Hopefully that will make her stop with the comments.

[mykidsmama]

My mom was not a SAHM but my sister & I both are.
She was surprised at first but is getting used to it.

[bri276]

My mom is a pediatrician who was in her residency when I was born and continued to work throughout my whole life.

She is.....displeased with my choice, though she doesn't come right out and say it. Like most people, she assumes I sit on my butt eating bonbons all day. She'll ask me for numerous favors all the time. She tells me about little jobs she comes across here and there (um, I have an education, I *can* get a great job!)

Her side of the family is this way, they're the type of people who don't have anything to talk about except school and work. Life, anyone? whatever.

[thoesly]

My mom was a SAHM until I was in junior high. She is also the hardest working person I have ever known. I put myself through a 4-year college in 3 years while waitressing 40+ hours a week to pay for it. My mom works harder than that. So no one in my near family has any bon-bon illusions about the life of a SAHM. Mom and I don't agree on everything, but this is one decision she does support. And anyone who has ever made snide little "wasting your education" comments has simply stopped being a part of my life.

[Greaseball]

My mom had always wanted to be a SAHM and farmer, and she did that until I was three and then got divorced. So I think she secretly resents me for getting to do what she wanted to do...I have a husband and kids and a chicken! And I get to stay home all day in this nice house, while she lives in a little trailer and works at a minimum-wage job.

She's always saying things like "Someday you're going to have to put the girls in daycare and you aren't going to like it." Well, maybe I won't have to...she also looks down on my homeschooling plans.

[Elphaba]

...

[karlin]

My mom was a SAHM my whole life (she had severe rheumatoid arthritis and couldn't have worked after we were in school anyway). She passed away nearly 3 years ago, but I know she'd be proud of me and my decision. She never really seemed displeased about any of my choices as an adult....she was a very supportive person. My father, on the other hand, can be a bit weird, but I think he's mostly happy I'm at home. I do think he thinks I'm wasting my education too, but when I told him I was going to homeschool, he seemed more pleased.

My mil is very supportive, which helps a lot.

[Bethla]

My Mom went back to work when I was 6 wks. old. I think she was only working part-time. I can still remember coming home with her and watching General Hospital. After my brother was born she went back to school and got her teaching credential.

My Mom always spoke poorly about SAHM's. I grew up with the idea that they were lazy. But when I had my first son I knew I would never leave him in a daycare or with a babysitter. Yet I still thought I should be working... I felt pressure to try and do everything work, school, baby.

Why did I do that to myself? My dh and I worked opposite hours so the kids could be home with a parent. Then in the evenings I had classes and my parents would watch the kids. I was miserable stressed out and tired all the time. When I had my third son I said, no more!

I just figure no matter what I do SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE will be thinking I'm not doing ehough. I don't care anymore!

[Village Mama]

My mom stayed at home until I was 6. She doesnt like that I am a stay at home mom, nor does she like the fact that I had kids at a young age. Most everyone in my family thinks that it is a waste of my potential.(!) We plan to homeschool as well... so everyone is pretty much baffled, and not the least bit supportive. Everyone else seems to know what is best for me and what I really want!

[Red Sonja]

I was worried that I would get comments from my family. Like Elphaba, I'm considered the liberal, feminist, "smart" one. I was an engineer before I stopped working.

To my surprise, I have gotten nothing but support from my family. My parents are divorced so my mother was always a WOHM. Both she and my grandmother have said how happy they are that I am able to stay home with DS. I feel very, very lucky to be able to stay home with him.

[meowee]

oh, what an EXCELLENT question.

My mom was a career woman. She rose to the top of her profession and was very good and what she did (I'm using the past tense not because she is dead, but because she's retired). However, when she walked in the door to come home, she was completely lost. She didn't like being a mother and has even said so.

She has little respect for the fact that I SAH and has absolutely no idea how hard it is. Her cluelessness is a lot like what I see in threads that complain about DHs being clueless.

She never cleaned or did child care stuff either when I was young, she had other people do that stuff. I have no memory of her cleaning or interacting with us beyond the "get ready we're leaving in ten minutes" type of interaction.

I hate to clean and I worry I got this from her. OR, maybe I just saw how mistreated the people who DID clean were, so I'm afraid to go there...

anyway, a sad answer but I love being a SAHM.

[sunnmama]

My mom was a SAHM for 30 years.....
I always knew I would SAH with small children, but was sure I would work once the kiddos were in school. I could never imagine staying home all those years. Well, dd is now 4, and we have decided to homeschool....so it looks like I'll be home for quite a while longer! :LOL

My mom is very supportive of my decision to SAH, but not as supportive of my homeschooling plans.

[psyche]

My parents divorced before I was two. Before that, my mother stayed with me. After that, she had to work very hard with the support of her parents. Then they both died a couple years later and she had to work even harder (putting herself through nursing school while working crappy jobs).

So, basically, my being a SAHM bugs her more than a little... especially when she did me the favor of putting me through college.

[sparkprincess]

My mom stayed home as much as she could. She was basically a SAHM with the first 4 (out of 7) kids. Then she and my step dad divorced and she had to work. So for the last 3 she's been a WOHM. She hates it. She's so happy and proud that I stay home with ds. She tells me so all the time. I'm glad I have her support, but would do it anyway.

Luckily, mil is very supportive also. She stayed home while her boys were little and then worked full time once they started school.

[~Jenna~]

My mom was a SAHM before my parents got divorced. She is very, very supportive and happy that I am a SAHM. She is actually disappointed that my SIL is a WOHM.

[slightly crunchy]

My mom was a SAHM for over 10 years, until the youngest of us started school. After that, she worked part time hours and was always home for us after school. The reason she went back to work was to pay for us to go to better schools, and then to help with college costs; it wasn't something she especially wanted to do.

Even after paying a large portion of our education costs, she has been nothing but supportive of my sister and I being SAHMs. She really believes it is the best thing to do, although I never felt like she expected me to or anything. In fact, I never planned to until ds was born and I just didn't want to leave him.

MIL is also supportive. She went back to school and work only after getting divorced, and before that was a SAHM. She told me she thinks what I am doing is wonderful, and that she would have done it longer if she could have.

[mags]

It's been so interesting reading about everyone's different situations. I think the part about many of your fathers being the one upset about your decision to be a SAHM, is esp interesting. My own father was the type who REALLY pushed my brothers and I academically. I didn't go to harvard or anything (my dad is still hung up on the fact that his kids are failures b/c we did not go to harvard... I am NOT kidding, he actually goes around telling ppl his children are failures b/c they didn't go to ivy league colleges.), and he's never had anything good to say about my education (he has a very low opinion of nurses and dietitians, my own mom used to be a nurse). Maybe, if I had gone to an ivy league school he would be throwing a bigger fit about me wasting away my life. However, when it comes down to it, he's still very much a male chauvanist (sp), and I think that is part of the reason why he hasn't said anything negative about me being a SAHM, b/c that is what he seems to expect women to do. It's like a double std though, which REALLY bugs me. My brother is a physician, his gf is also a physician. The comment my dad (who is himself a physician) said after mtg my brother's gf for the first time was, "do you know that A does NOT cook, C actually cooks more than SHE does????" I thought that was a really rude and sexist comment. So, he is impressed that my brother's gf is a doctor (in fact he is happier about my brother's gf's specializiation than he is about my brother's specialization), but then he's upset that she isn't a happy homemaker type too??? I didn't even bother arguing with him, he's hopeless and always thinks he is right, it's not worth my effort to get all wound up over it.

Anyway, it's good to see that so many of you are pleased with your decision to be a SAHM and that many of you DO get support from your families. That is great!

[scrapadoozer]

My mom was (and still is) a SAHM. She was very happy with my decision. I also self-schooled through high school so she is fine with our plans to homeschool dd. I am sorry that some of your families give you grief about your decision.

[minasmom]

My mom was a SAHM until my sister and I were in high school. I think it was her choice, she was working as a baby nurse and i think she was sick of it [she didn't go back ti nursing after]. I think she liked being home, and I know I did ... just knowing she was there when i needed her was great. I think she is a little surprised that I've chosen to stay home with Mina, but I know she has expressed how important it is to have a parent at home, especially in the younger years. I think she would have gone back to work earlier, but for some reason decided not to. I like being a SAHM, except for the fact that we are broke.

--Angela