Weird Question about Expectations

[mommyofshmoo]

My dd is still far from teenagedome, but people often talk about planting seeds of expectations in young kids. So this is my question....

How do you come up with realistic goals/expectations for your teen if you were a "bad kid?"

How do you approach the teenage years if you don't want your kids to get into all the trouble you did? Some of the former partiers I know have become super strict parents and plan to control their kids so they don't do rebellious stuff. But I don't want to head down that path.

So, I'm wondering if anyone else has had this type of experience? How did you negotiate rules about smoking, drinking, parties and the rest, or talk to your kids about these things? How honest were you about your own experiences? How do you visualize your kid's experience being different from yours?

Looking forward to hearing perspectives...

[UnschoolnMa]

I wrote a small book here, sorry...lol

mommyofshmoo wrote:
How do you come up with realistic goals/expectations for your teen if you were a "bad kid?"

I wasn't a really "bad" kid persay, but I wasn't angelic either When I had my first child I was still a child too, so thinking about what I wanted/hoped for them as teens was both strange and super important all at the same time.

How do you approach the teenage years if you don't want your kids to get into all the trouble you did?

I approached parenting different from my mom from the start really. As a child & teen I didn't have a strong sense of self, and I was always looking to external sources to see if I was good enough/attractive enough/smart enough/strong enough. I didn't get a chance to work at being me because often I wasn't given the chance to make decisions for myself.

This lead to me rebelling (taking the freedom I needed), and because mom was just making decisions for me rather than giving me info & guidance, I rushed straight into some pretty dangerous situations. Fortunately I got cool kids out of the deal I've approached not just the teen years but all of parenting from an entirely different point of view than my mom did so that they will be strong people who know themselves long before teenage issues come their way.

Some of the former partiers I know have become super strict parents and plan to control their kids so they don't do rebellious stuff. But I don't want to head down that path.

I think sometimes people panic when they become parents, and they suddently understand the unimaginable love that comes with having children. They start to see the stuff they did as teens in a different light, examing it through the filter of a parent's "lens" so to speak, and it freaks them out that their kids could maybe someday be that teen, KWIM? And so they go as far strict as possible in an effort to keep their kids from doing those things. It isn't a path I recommend going down either. Too tight reigns make ya wanna buck... (well, in my experience anyway.)

How did you negotiate rules about smoking, drinking, parties and the rest, or talk to your kids about these things?

In my opinion discussing these things is maybe the single most important thing you can do with children.(Well maybe 2nd important next to modeling the kinds of behaviors you want them to see) Open, honest, on-going talking about such issues has been our way of life really. We have talked about what smoking does, and they've seen first hand how hard it can be to quit because Dh is a smoker. They think it's gross lol. We've modeled responsible drinking behavior, and talked about the times we went overboard with it. We talk about how parties can be alot of fun, but that we hope they will be safe too. And we've discussed what we all think "safe" means in this case. In my opinion the more the better.

How honest were you about your own experiences?

We were totally honest about everything from sex, drugs, alcohol, school, legal problems, etc. There is no topic or question that is off limits. Ever.


How do you visualize your kid's experience being different from yours?

Their experience is already very different from mine. They make their own choices with much info and input on the issues at hand from Dh and I. We believe in coming to an agreement in ways we can all live with and feel good about instead of the parents making the "rules" that kids have to follow.

[SagMom]

Originally Posted by mommyofshmoo

How do you come up with realistic goals/expectations for your teen if you were a "bad kid?"

I used to fear my kids reaching the teen years--I mean, REALLY fear it. Because I just kept thinking of all the stuff *I* did as a teen. But then I realized that my kids are not me and *I'M* not my parents, so it's not likely my kids are going to follow in my footsteps.

How do you approach the teenage years if you don't want your kids to get into all the trouble you did? Some of the former partiers I know have become super strict parents and plan to control their kids so they don't do rebellious stuff. But I don't want to head down that path.

I think that's why I was so rebellious--because my parents were very strict. I grew up in the 60's and 70's and my sock-hop/soda shop parents were pretty freaked out by the "modern" world their kids were growing up in. So, they held the reins pretty tightly and left no room for discussion, which made me just want to break out in a big way. I know they were trying to protect me, but it was a very "do as I say" relationship, with parents expecting respect but not respecting the kids. I had a real, "You can't stop me" attitude for a while there--pretty much doing everything they didn't want me to do, just to prove that I could.

So, I'm wondering if anyone else has had this type of experience? How did you negotiate rules about smoking, drinking, parties and the rest, or talk to your kids about these things? How honest were you about your own experiences? How do you visualize your kid's experience being different from yours?

I visualize my kids' experiences as very different from my own, because I think we've got more communication and honesty between us. Our respect is mutual, and I don't come from a "I'M the mommy and I said so" place in my parenting. I've been honest with my kids about my teen years, as far as they've asked. I don't feel the need to call a family meeting for a day of "True Confessions" but I will answer their questions honestly. Smoking and drinking we've addressed from a health standpoint. I certainly hope that they don't start up, but I won't ground them or forbid them or anything like that. They're growing up seeing responsible drinking (not in excess and not if we're driving) so I'm hoping that they'll view it as no big deal. (Alcohol was mysterious and forbidden and done in secret when I was a child--I couldn't WAIT to get my hands on some to see what the big deal was, and to feel grown up!)

My oldest is only 14, so we haven't run into anything troublesome like drinking and driving, but we'll definately be talking about the laws and dangers and we'll make sure that they feel comfortable calling us if they ever get into a situation they need help getting out of.

We just do a lot of talking--and, continuing with my parenting so far, no threatening or punishing. So far, they've made good decisions, so my hope is that they will continue. I'm not expecting perfection, but I'm also not expecting rebellion either. I think I've been careful not to set up a situation where the kids feel they need to rebel.

I guess my long-winded response boils down to that last sentence--if there's honesty and respect and support, then there'll be nothing to rebel against, yk? I think. I guess we'll see.

[mamarhu]

I second all the above, especially about honesty, respect and support.

I am open with my kids about my past, admitting the mistakes, but admitting the parts that were fun, too. I believe recreational drugs (including alcohol) wouldn't exist if they didn't serve a purpose, at least for some people. My basic drug-talk with ElderSon was that each kind of drug fills a need - for relaxation, more energy, fewer inhibitions, etc. But they tend to be very unhealthy, and those needs can be better met some other way, at less cost physically, psychologically, and legally. I model reasonable alcohol use - occassional glass of wine, no driving. I tried virtually every other drug in the 60's, and can honestly describe the effects, good and bad. I would never encourage drug use, but I see no point in trying to demonize it either. I think an honest description of the effects and costs (including risks of arrest and addiction) leads to a responsible decision on the teens' part if that is the right choice for them. I can't imagine as many kids would use drugs if they weren't such a forbidden fruit.

My attitude about teen sex is basically the same: casual sex is not nearly as satisfying as sex in a committed loving relationship, but it obviously has a purpose, or people wouldn't have been doing it since caveman days. So if that is your choice, do everything thing you can to be safe and responsible. And consider what needs you are trying to fill, and consider if this is the best way to meet them.

I have had similar talks with DD10, although in less detail at this age. Drugs don't sound tempting to her (yet) but she would love to have a baby very early. I impress upon her her to be certain of how she will support this child for 18 years, not the immorality of pre-marital sex. I think my attitude doesn't have much in it to rebel against - she'll have to find some other way. Like ugly clothing styles or awful music. Relatively minor in the overall scheme of things.