Second Child Overlooked :(

[Suzetta]

We waited 4 years to get pg with my first dd. She is the first grandchild. Our relationship was strained with my parents for the first year of her life, and they harldly saw her as a result. (it was their choice, I always told them they were welcome to visit).

Anyhow, right before dd #2 was born, they came to their senses and were able to let go of their grudge. They started to form a relationship with dd#1, and focused all their attention on her. That is a lot of attention for one child! Now that dd#2 is here, they are still totally focused on the toddler, and the baby doesn't get much acknowledgement. My mom tries, but allows the toddler to steal her away from the baby. With my dad, I think it is more of an issue that he doesn't deal well with babies, and prefers to pay attention to the one who is more communicative. I am deeply troubled by this. I wonder if this is why it was easy for him to hold a grudge so long, as he didn't want to deal with dd#1 as a baby. (He brags that he has never had to change a diaper before, and has little or no bonding with baby skills)

Anyhow, I even see my dh catering to the whims of our oldest child, and neglecting the new baby. He will do thing after thing with toddler, while the baby is crying for his attention. We never left oldest daughter to cry without comforting! Yesterday he came home from work, and oldest daughter was playing elsewhere. He started to reach for the baby, who got really excited to see him, when out of nowhere oldest daughter screamed for some attention. He gave the baby back to me, and coddled her. Even though the baby is only 4 months old, I KNOW that I saw a hurt look on her face. She even made a pouty look.

I love both my children, and spend my day making sure both kids are well cared for and attended to. However, I believe that when older daughter was a baby, she had 100% of my attention. I realize that there is no way I can give the new baby 100%, but I let my first dd know that she is a baby, and we give love and attention to babies. She seems to understand this, and we have found ways to make our routine work so that we have harmony. She loves to join me when I play with the baby, and she will sit near while I am feeding her.

I guess my question is, has anybody else had to deal with a situation like this? Do I just ride it out and make sure that I make up for the lack of attention baby gets? Do I risk starting another war with my parents and bring it up? As far as dh is concerned, he is aware that this is a problem where he is concerned, and his awareness coupled with my guidance is helping him learn how to better combine their needs.

I am concerned about the younger baby, as she seems to be of a much more quieter nature, while the oldest child is very boisterous, active, and demanding. I do not want the baby to grow up thinking her needs are any less important than the other one.

I feel so sad for my sweet, patient little baby.

[The Lucky One]

OMG, yes, a thousand times YES!!!

I can SOOOO relate, 100%, except that I never had bad relations with my parents and they have always been a part of both boys lives from the time they were born.

My ds1 is a high-needs child and very very very demanding of attention. He is definately our squeaky wheel! Ds2 is more mellow and easy-going (though not quiet) and it is easy for people other than myself to only pay attention to ds1.

I worry about it too. In fact, my mother that we see for several hours each Tuesday, has only held ds2 a handful of times and he is almost 12 months old. Whenever she tries to give him some attention, ds1 goes nuts and so to keep the peace, she caves in and does what ds1 wants her to.

I've been thinking about starting a thread on this, but I wasn't sure of the right forum. My ds1's jealousy issues are extreme and it is hard to know how to handle the situations.

I don't have any advice for you, because I'm totally in the same boat, but I do understand.

[iris0110]

In my experience the opposite has always been true. My MIL is always most excited about the new baby. Ds got to be the youngest for almost 2 years, and then my niece came along. After that ds wasn't quite as interesting if the new baby was around. I know MIL loves all of the grandkids, and she tries to do stuff for all of them, but she just can't help cooing over the newest one most.

I think that maybe your oldest dd demands attention enough that your parents want to go and do with her. They figure she will be hurt if they don't, where as the four month old will hardly even notice. I don't know about your dh. It is possible that he is just more comfortable with older kids, or that he figures you spend alot of your time and energy on the baby and that your older dd needs some attention too (I am not saying that you short change your older one, but some people will just assume that the baby takes up more time and energy than the older). Or maybe he thinks the baby needs you more, where the toddler will be just as happy to have him help. I don't really know for sure, I am just throwing some ideas out. Maybe you could ask your Dh about it and see what he says. Maybe he doesn't even realize he is doing it.

[Linda KS]

YES! My parents were just bizarre. One time they showed up at our house with a suitcase of gifts for our older DD and a small toy they had bought at the airport for our younger DD (they had forgotten about her until they were half way to our house). Our youger DD was about a year and a half old at the time.

I did bring it up to my parents and laid down the law. They now treat the kids very equally.

[elephantheart]

I have noticed that with all of my kids, when they're really tiny no one else is quite as interested as when they begin to get a little older. But it always clears up around the 6-8 month time frame, when the baby begins to crawl around, and be more playful. I think that if your husband is aware of it and is willing to deal with it, then you reallly don't have a problem there. My husband is the same way. He adores them when they're tiny, but he just doesn't know what to do with them, and knows he won't be able to comfort them if they need me, so he just takes care of the older ones while I care for the baby. As the baby grows, she ends up joining in with the other girls and everyone gets treated equally.