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"Oh, what a good girl you are!!" - Page 3

post #41 of 56
Heh.

My mom did a lot of things wrong, but one thing she did right was somehow not have heart attacks as I climbed every tree I saw

Her perennial favorite thing to yell? "Watch where you put your hands and feet!"
post #42 of 56
Quote:
Originally Posted by famousmockngbrd
Slightly OT, but DS is potty training so I have been praising his ability to put pee in the potty lately. The other day I was on the toilet (sorry if TMI) and DS came up to me, patted me on the back and said with much enthusiasm, "Mommy, you're such a good pee-er!" :LOL Thanks, DS.

Sometimes, when DS and I are just hanging out and I'm really enjoying being with him, I will tell him he is a great kid and I love being his Mommy. No strings attached. I think that's the key - unconditional acceptance. I don't like the idea of a child's worth being dictated by how they behave or what they do, and I think that's the message that is indirectly sent when we express approval of a child's actions by telling them that they are a "good" or "bad" child, in totality. Their actions may be good or bad, but *they* are always inherently good and valuable and loved.
I got the potty applause once and realized how silly I was to be applauding my son when he did his business. It was pretty funny and eye opening seeing my son sitting on the side of the tub clapping away for me.
post #43 of 56
NoraB, your post struck a nerve with me. I have two sisters. My mom always told me I was pretty but I didn't believe her because my older sister got a lot of attention from guys for looking sexy and my younger sister got a lot of attention from everyone for being so cute and pretty. So I took the smart tack. I wanted to be recognized for being smart. I was always memorizing things and spouting them back and reading things and remembering my way around places. I was the family guide when we would go on vacations even when I was only 10. My mom always told me I was smart too. I love my mom and really like the way she raised us. I don't feel she put pressure on me to be smart or that she made me feel not beautiful, it was actually more my perception of the way people responded to my siblings that prompted my actions. But I do remember that when I started dating, I would feel sad when a guy called me beautiful. Or when people would compliment me on my looks, I would feel very awkward. I mean, how could I say thank you for the compliment when my looks are not my doing? Anyway, I've always had strange feelings inside when people told me I was smart or beautiful. I just feel like they are so insincere most of the time.
post #44 of 56
Quote:
Originally Posted by famousmockngbrd
Now, on the other hand, if someone was disrespecting my DS by pushing him out of the way or telling him to shut up or something, I'd have PLENTY to say about it.
What DO you say to that? It actually happened to me!
We were at the first day of dance class a couple of weeks ago and my son got upset and came to me crying. The woman in front of us tried to loudly shush him and then she turned around and said CUT IT OUT!. Everyone in the room heard her and she was glaring at my son when she said it. I was flabbergasted. I said EXCUSE ME? and she wouldn't even turn around. In fact, she took a few steps over so she was standing in front of me and blocking my view. I was seated on the floor nursing my baby. I thought of a lot of things to say to her but nothing that I would be proud of saying in a room full of preschoolers. So I just told her she was extremely rude and had no right to speak to my child, or anyone, like she just did.
It continued after the class, but I still would like to have had a better response than that. It was almost 2 weeks ago and I'm still angry about it. She wasn't at the last class and neither was her kid. But she might be there next week. I hope not.
post #45 of 56
kavamamakava, what a *&%$ she is! I'm sorry for your DS, you, and the nursling. Geez!

I think I'd give her the same treatment. Like:

Your disdain for children is making everyone here uncomfortable. See, everyone is looking at you.

How does it feel to have everyone here see you shaming a 4 year old for not having impulse contol, when you clearly don't either?

Do you treat your own children so poorly too?

I can come up with lots to say about something that egregious!

Hugs to you!
post #46 of 56
I really wish I would have thought of some of those comments. Heh.
I hope she doesn't come back. But if she does, I need to have something to say to her. haha
post #47 of 56
Feel free to use those if you like them...

I like to prepare for such things too, beacuse I never know when I'll freeze inthe moment. Rehearsal is great!
post #48 of 56
Kavamamakava, I only said I'd have plenty to say, I didn't say any of it would be particularly snappy.

I'd like to claim I'd come up with some great remark but in actuality I'd probably say something like, "I'm sorry, are we bothering you?" in a really sarcastic voice.

I wish I could claim to be gentle with everyone but when strangers are rude to me or someone I love, my first instinct is still to give them major attitude.
post #49 of 56
hm...i'm still really struggling to see why "good girl" or "good boy" is so evil. i mean...does telling your child that they are good mean that you only value them when they are good? i really don't see that. i think it's a stretch, personally...when i say "good job" or "good boy" i mean that right then he did something really well and i want to acknowledge it. or sometimes he wasn't doing a darn thing but he's still a good boy/good person so i'm telling him. i tell him he's good all the time...he's never heard me say he's "bad" or "not good", so why would he assume that he's only good when he does good things? or that i don't value him when he's not good? i've never identified those times for him. maybe i'm not explaining myself well, but i'm just really struggling to see how our kids would take a negative message away from that statement. if it's a more complex sentence like "put your toys away like a good boy" i can see how an older child could interpret that as "if i don't put them away, i'm not a good boy"...i guess i don't say "good boy" when he's doing something that's polite or disciplined or whatever...and almost never when i've directly asked him to do something...so it doesn't carry that connotation with it in my head when i'm saying it. i typically say things like "you're such a good kid" just randomly when my heart is overflowing...not usually tied to actual acts.

i don't know...maybe i should re-read the thread.
post #50 of 56
Quote:
Originally Posted by kavamamakava
So I just told her she was extremely rude and had no right to speak to my child, or anyone, like she just did.
It continued after the class, but I still would like to have had a better response than that. It was almost 2 weeks ago and I'm still angry about it. She wasn't at the last class and neither was her kid. But she might be there next week. I hope not.
I think you did fine. I'm a lawyer, so I like to invoke legal language if I'm trying to intimidate someone. This past winter we were at McDonald's (yeah, so kick me off mdc) because Noah loves their playground (and their french fries and chicken selects). He was also at a stage (he has some mild/moderate SIDS issues that he had to wear shoes (his high top hiking boots) all the time indoors; he didn't like the feeling of just socks. So I do not insist that he remove his shoes, as the rules at McDonald state. I wipe down his shoes everyday, so I tend to think they're at least as clean as some kids' dirty bare feet (also against the "rules").

So one Dad (who kept using that annoying counting thing to get his kids to behave) starts yammering to me about how he has to take his shoes off. I say "I hear you. He's fine with his shoes on." Then he goes to get the manager, who obviously tells him to lay off. He continues to yammer at me until I say, "If you speak to me again, I will report you to the manager for harassment." Instant shut up.

Really, I think that the only way to deal with bullies is to bully them back. They are usually the kind of people who cower at the mention of authority, so I invoke it whenever possible, after other hints or rationales haven't worked. I either point to some written document or "rule" that validates my perspective, or I tell them to stop speaking to me or I will report them for harassment. Or both.

That's what legal harassment is, by the way. If you have told someone to stop talking (writing/emailing) and they continue to do it, that's harassment. No one has to listen to someone for any reason, no matter what the content is that they are communicating, even if you're breaking the rules. Well, okay, you probably can't report someone for harassment if they keep telling you to stop beating them after you've told them to shut up. Otherwise, you're in the clear.

So the only thing that I would have done in your shoes is to tell the bully (what an obnoxious thing to do and say, by the way) that if she speaks to you or your child again, you will report her to the management for harassment. I'd probably do it if I saw her again at the class, rather than wait for her to say something again. Prevention and all that-- plus, she should know that her behavior was way over the top-- I'm rather hot headed anyway, but I felt my blood boil just reading your story.

Karla
post #51 of 56
Quote:
Originally Posted by michelemiller
i typically say things like "you're such a good kid" just randomly when my heart is overflowing...not usually tied to actual acts. .
FWIW, this is pretty much how I exclusively use "good"-- as I agree that saying "good" in response to specific behavior IS lazy. That I think is right-- that it is better to say "thank you" for cooperation and to make a specific observation or compliment for "good" behavior.

Sometimes I think that in a lot of these threads, people are getting all worked up over semantics. I think that showing unconditional love to your kids is not as much what you say to them (or don't say), but in all the small ways you *show* them that you love them, no matter what. As the trite saying goes, talk is cheap. Actions are what counts.

Context matters too. I am very confident that my son knows that I'll love him and be there for him, no matter what, even though I tell him that he's a good kid. In the context of our relationship, it's just natural and I can see that magical positive electrical feeling thing that runs between us when I say it.

Karla
post #52 of 56
YES, exactly...you said it so much better than i did. LOL
post #53 of 56

in laws

Is anyone still reading this post?

My inlaws watch my 2.5 year old two days a week with an over night during the summers. The rest of the time I'm a stay at home mom.

Every time summer rolls around it's bitter sweet. I love that they want to be a part of her life and I appreciate some "me" time but they are just insane people and they don't listen to a thing I say.

First it was them clapping and saying "yeah Jayden!" when she was 6 months. Not just a little. But hundreds of times a day the whole time. If she blinked they would go bulistic forever like a parade hit town. Then I would get her back and she would cry and whine if I didn't do the same for every little thing she did.

I explained to them that she now was more interested in praise than actually doing anything for the sake of doing it. They would "yes me" but it didn't stop. They still do it at 2 1/2 and even catch themselves doing it in front of me.

Then they started potty training her evern though I told them that I was waiting till she was closer to three whenever she initiated it. They said OK and then "oops she found her potty"! I told them to put it away. They did but then started reading her potty books. I got angry with them. They played stupid.

Now they've started with the "good girl, she's such a good girl, good girl Jayden, don't you want to be a good girl, be a good girl Jayden, don't be a bad girl"!!! And I 'm talking all at once they will say all that... over and over. I've told them not to. And why and given them articles and on and on. Then they say back to me after weeks of telling them and them "yessing" me... "but it helps her not to do certaing things". I want to scream. They aren't the brightest bulbs and they don't listen or read anything I've given them.

Now I'm thinking of limiting the time they spend with her but I really hate to do that. I know how much they love her and she loves them. And I want them to know her and for her to have a close relationship with extended family.

But now when I tell her she can't do something she looks hurt and says that she's a good girl. Or if we have to leave someplace that she wants to stay. "No. I'm a good girl!" This morning I walked into her room and she demanded that I call her "a good girl"... she screamed it over and over.

I have no idea what to say to her about it. I tell her that she's not good or bad. That she's Jayden and Jayden's a girl and I love her no matter what. I've said that there's no such thing... that she's jayden... a human... a person.

I don't want her to think that I don't think she's good... I don't want her to think about it at all! A couple of weeks ago she was happy and had such high self esteem. And now the in-laws are home and she needs me to tell her that she's good.

It's enough that they've taught her to say "excuse me poops cucks" every time she passes gas. Which haven't said too much about. If I said something every time they bugged me I would never stop talking. Yes... I'm venting right now!

I try to think of it as Jayden getting a taste of different people, different personalities and different ways of being. But when I see them messing with her self esteem I just want to roar like a mother lion.

What do I say to my daughter when she insists that she's called a good girl?

Anybody?
post #54 of 56

in laws

Is anyone still reading this post?

My inlaws watch my 2.5 year old two days a week with an over night during the summers. The rest of the time I'm a stay at home mom.

Every time summer rolls around it's bitter sweet. I love that they want to be a part of her life and I appreciate some "me" time but they are just insane people and they don't listen to a thing I say.

First it was them clapping and saying "yeah Jayden!" when she was 6 months. Not just a little. But hundreds of times a day the whole time. If she blinked they would go ballistic forever like a parade hit town. Then I would get her back and she would cry and whine if I didn't do the same for every little thing she did.

I explained to them that she now was more interested in praise than actually doing anything for the sake of doing it. They would "yes me" but it didn't stop. They still do it at 2 1/2 and even catch themselves doing it in front of me.

Then they started potty training her evern though I told them that I was waiting till she was closer to three whenever she initiated it. They said OK and then "oops she found her potty"! I told them to put it away. They did but then started reading her potty books. I got angry with them. They played stupid.

Now they've started with the "good girl, she's such a good girl, good girl Jayden, don't you want to be a good girl, be a good girl Jayden, don't be a bad girl"!!! And I 'm talking all at once they will say all that... over and over. I've told them not to. And why and given them articles and on and on. Then they say back to me after weeks of telling them and them "yessing" me... "but it helps her not to do certaing things". I want to scream. They aren't the brightest bulbs and they don't listen or read anything I've given them.

Now I'm thinking of limiting the time they spend with her but I really hate to do that. I know how much they love her and she loves them. And I want them to know her and for her to have a close relationship with extended family.

But now when I tell her she can't do something she looks hurt and says that she's a good girl. Or if we have to leave someplace that she wants to stay. "No. I'm a good girl!" This morning I walked into her room and she demanded that I call her "a good girl"... she screamed it over and over.

I have no idea what to say to her about it. I tell her that she's not good or bad. That she's Jayden and Jayden's a girl and I love her no matter what. I've said that there's no such thing... that she's jayden... a human... a person.

I don't want her to think that I don't think she's good... I don't want her to think about it at all! A couple of weeks ago she was happy and had such high self esteem. And now the in-laws are home and she needs me to tell her that she's good.

It's enough that they've taught her to say "excuse me poops cucks" every time she passes gas. Which haven't said too much about. If I said something every time they bugged me I would never stop talking. Yes... I'm venting right now!

I try to think of it as Jayden getting a taste of different people, different personalities and different ways of being. But when I see them messing with her self esteem I just want to roar like a mother lion.

What do I say to my daughter when she insists that she's called a good girl?

Anybody?
post #55 of 56
Quote:
Originally Posted by aira
What if it were your boss, or something? Someone you couldn't be snarky with? (My fave way of handling stuff! )
"All kids are good kids"

I know that still has the "good" in it, but I think it gets the message across. I say that when people comment on how good ds is. "All toddlers are good in their own ways." or something like that. It seems less confrontational than saying that I don't like to hear "good boy."
You could maybe even add that your ds was quiet for the lesson, and that you can see that the instructor was appreciative of that. Something that shows ds what the teacher meant, while taking the judgement out of it.
post #56 of 56
Quote:
Originally Posted by loved
: Someone please help me explain to my husband and others why saying "Good girl!" to my daughter is so not cool.
Tell them that YOU think she's always good. That you don't want her to think that your approval of HER is dependent on her actions. I'm sure your family wants to convey that they love her no matter what! They just don't see "good girl" as being conditional.

You can also tell them that "good girl" doesn't give dd any information about what they appreciated. Ask them to be specific, if they must give out their value judgements. (Maybe don't say it that way. That sounds a bit confrontational lol).

Also, one thing that strikes me, is that when you praise a child for doing something social, like sharing or being helpful, it sends the message that you are surprised that dc was social. That sharing was unexpected, and it seems uncharacteristic of dc. I told my grandma that, to try to get her to stop saying "good boy". So she started saying "Good show! I KNEW you'd help me throw the trash away." lol. sigh. hehehe
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