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Oh you're getting a "free ride" from your husband?

post #1 of 24
Thread Starter 
My landlord asked me yesterday in the elevator if I was currently working. I said no, I was not teaching at the moment. He then said stated "oh so you are "getting a free ride" from Ryan." :

I haven't been able to let it go. He is a jerk and has in the past shown he no absolutely nothing about children. (Once, I locked 11 mos old DS in car. He suggested I go into Boston to get another set of keys from DH - 1 hr train trip one way - rather than risking a firefighter breaking a window when prying open the lock. WTF?)

But anyway, I told him that I am working harder now staying home with my child than I when I was working as a teacher.

I know I shouldn't let it bother me. I think it is because many people in society think this and it embarresses and angers me.

thanks for letting me share
post #2 of 24
Lots of people feel that way. It is so frustrating when you work so hard and it seems no one validates you. My FIL has said things similar. He told me over the phone once that I should be more grateful that DH is willinging to work so hard 'for me'. (How he presumes to know how grateful I am is beyond me.) To reduce the tension I said laughingly that it's all payment for the meals I cook and taking care of his kids, to which he responded,'They are your kids and you eat those meals too.' Makes me remember how nice it is that they live 14 hours away, you know?
post #3 of 24
I get this a lot. I'm a younger SAHM (almost 22) so a lot of my friends can't understand that its not like I'm just sitting on my butt all day waiting for the checks to roll in. I don't even bother trying to enlighten those kind of people anymore.
post #4 of 24
Just roll with it! Say "Yep, it sure is nice to sleep in till noon every day. I only wish we could hire a maid to feed me bon-bons and change the remote for me."

If anything, our dh's are getting free rides from us! Look at all the work we do FOR FREE!
post #5 of 24
greaseball, I totally agree. I usually make a comment like that too.

It is maddening, though.
post #6 of 24
post #7 of 24
More like dh is getting a free ride. Do you know how much it would cost to hire a nanny, cook, housecleaner, chauffer, etc?
post #8 of 24
And lovin' every minute of it!



Yeah, I'm just living the high-life staying home with three kids! My dh doesn't even make enough money for us to enjoy me being at home. I'm constantly worried about our finances. My MIL exclaimed her "poor son" shouldn't have to work so hard. Give me a break. If he wasn't married to me he'd still have to have a job to support, HIMSELF, right? So why is it now that he has a family he's suddenly working harder?

I actually work two days a week and go to school too... But somehow I'm lazy!

I should be worshipped for giving birth to his three children and lactating for the past 8 years. For getting up with every baby every night because he doesn't have boobs. For changing all the diapers because he didn't smell anything. For cleaning the house and doing the laundry and wiping up all the barf. For paying the bills and keeping track of everyone's appointments and special occasions. For never getting to use the restroom ALONE........

He's getting the free ride...
post #9 of 24
Reminds me of that essay, "I want a wife." (Written by a woman.)

Yeah, I wish I had someone living in my house whose duty was to cook, clean, do all the childrearing tasks I don't want to do, and provide sexual favors...all while keeping her/himself very good looking! Women are never told they have a right to expect this the way men are.
post #10 of 24
Sure, I'm getting a free ride from DH but then again so is he! If I had to be gainfully employed I cannot imagine what would happen. He says more than once he would not want to be the stay at home parent but is glad I do! Both of our Moms stayed home to raise us and we feel its important for our dd.

I cannot take any one who talks like that seriously anymore. Anyone who meets my dd knows how much effort and hard work goes into raising her the way we see fit and it shows by her happy face.

We had a few friends over once and she was pregnt w her son at the time. She said to me- Are you going to ever work again? Like all I did was eat bon bons and sleep until noon. I laughed because I knew what was in store for her and replied- ask me that again in 2 months. Fast forward to when we brought them dinner. She said she did not have a moment to herself ever from all that nursing and recovering from a Csection. I said welcome to my "not working" world. I then told her I got a laugh at her expense. She understood.
post #11 of 24

getting past the anger

I've been working from home for the last... almost six years now. We have a three year old son and five 1/2 year old daughter. (My paid job ended when I was about six months p.g. w/ our daughter. I do freelance writing sometimes, and have held part-time jobs outside the home on and off, but my husband has been the main breadwinner. I'm the main bread baker.)

My point: I have had numerous idiots tell me, "That's great you don't have to work!" and "Yeah, my wife's lucky, she gets to stay home with the kids while I work," etc. I've stepped down from my soapbox for the time being, cuz I got fed up with saying "Have *you* ever been a stay-at-home parent? Cuz if you had, you'd know it's harder than a *real* job." And "Aren't you lucky she's willing to stay home so you can keep your career going!" etc.

My husband has started telling everyone (I love him times 100 for this), "Yeah, she works -- she just doesn't get paid for it." He's v. supportive. (This is key, for me.)

What I'm struggling with now that my daughter is in school is the "Mom Vs. Mom" garbage. I'm active in PTA, and one mom in particular always makes sure to tell me that *she* works so *she* doesn't have time to help me. "I need to get home and shower...because I have to work!" Now, she mentioned this on a day when I looked like... obviously not showered.

Another SAHM who was helping me (equally unshowered) said, after this mom left, "She has to take a shower. Cuz she has to go to work." It was pretty funny, actually. We were both in sweats and had screaming toddlers with us.

I'm always like, I didn't ask for your help, baby! when she comes around. She's usually running out the door after dropping her daughter off, she sees me working on a project in the hall and stops to get the jab in.

OK, I know it's probably not really a jab, it just feels like it.

Ditto my former friends from work, who do the whole wistful, "I wish I could stay home. Your husband is so great to support you, you are so lucky and should be glad!" (This was when we got together for drinks and appetizers one night, when they knew I was depressed from being at home for weeks on end with two sick kids, my husband being gone 7 a.m.-7 p.m. three days a week and 7-6 two days a week...)

They could stay home, too (both of their husbands make decent money) but they have their kids in private school and live in big houses in "good" neighborhoods. (We bought in what is kindly called a "transitional" neighborhood cuz it was what we could afford, and are going to public school.)

It was about a month ago when I saw them, and I see the "working" mom almost every day, always the zingers from her. Feeling a little ouchie about it. But it's just my anger, that I'm not being supported by other moms, and defensiveness, I guess.
post #12 of 24
[QUOTE=Wacky Mommy\
It was about a month ago when I saw them, and I see the "working" mom almost every day, always the zingers from her. Feeling a little ouchie about it. But it's just my anger, that I'm not being supported by other moms, and defensiveness, I guess.[/QUOTE]

You're being supported by yourself and what you do. I think they are envious and have no other way to relate. But I can totally relate why you would be po.

I was buying an outfit one time- (clearance with a gift certificate) and the lady waiting on me said "oh what a LUXURY to stay home" I said- no its a luxury to have children and its a choice to stay home with them. I also reminded her that making the customer uncomfortable or insulting them for what you did not have was not the best thing to do when they were spending money at your store. I then told that to the manager who was a former co worker of mine why I would be buying the outfit at another one of their stores.

If your feeling rather daring, remind the mother that you would never zing her for her choices so you would like her to respect your choices as well.
post #13 of 24

"What a luxury..."

"oh what a LUXURY to stay home" -- that killed me. Yeah, it's the lap of luxury, all right. It's a job! It's not like when you have a paid time-off day and sleep in, catch up on phone calls, go out for lunch maybe. It has it's ups and downs like any job, but it isn't a long soaky bubblebath.

How much do you love gift certificates now? My buddy is taking me out for coffee on Friday, with a gift certificate she wants to use. This will be the highlight of our week! (Pretty broke lately, both of us.)

Just because I'm able to stay home with the kids doesn't mean we can afford a sitter. I sometimes can do swaps with other moms, but it gets a little complicated, especially when you need all the kids involved to be (relatively) healthy on the "swap" days. (Between us and two other families we swap with, we've had pinkeye, flu, strep, random fevers, colds, a meningitis scare -- yikes -- and our old standby, asthma, all in the last four months.) I always thought if I stayed at home I'd be able to volunteer in the kids' classroom at least once a week. I wasn't thinking about what I'd do with the yowling 3-year-old when I was volunteering in the 5-year-old's class!

It's not in the budget right now to buy a van, so the transporting is a hassle, as well.

Ah well, once they're both in school I can probably spend a morning a week in each kid's class.

Thanks for the space to vent. Life really has been getting easier lately. Knock wood.
post #14 of 24
naomilorelie, your fil is a jackass. mammo2sammo, so is your landlord.

carry on...
post #15 of 24
I remember taking a "ride", and it didn't cost anything... and then 9 months later we had dd.... But I'm not getting those every day since we had dd thats for sure! :LOL
post #16 of 24
I still love gift certificates. Its funny I do not buy a lot of new outfits since I really do not need many since my work clothes/uniform for this job is pretty easy. We do not buy much of anything really since we do not need much- also things have a way of piling up kwim?

I can understand the babysitting swap thing. It sometimes happens w playgroups as well. We might go a few months getting together since there is always a family with a sick member.
post #17 of 24
Quote:
Originally Posted by mamaley
naomilorelie, your fil is a jackass. mammo2sammo, so is your landlord.

carry on...
:


Quote:
Originally Posted by OTMomma
I remember taking a "ride", and it didn't cost anything... and then 9 months later we had dd.... But I'm not getting those every day since we had dd thats for sure!
: : : : : : :

OMG~That hurt it's so funny and so true!

But seriously, comments like that make my skin burn. I hate that people don't get it. The salary.com article is really interesting, but they forgot a few things like wet-nurse, nanny, and the like. Oh and that salary is only based on a mom with 2 school age kids! I would be interested in seeing the numbers of a mom with more than 2 preschoolers at home!

Blessings,
N~
post #18 of 24
Quote:
Originally Posted by Greaseball
Just roll with it! Say "Yep, it sure is nice to sleep in till noon every day. I only wish we could hire a maid to feed me bon-bons and change the remote for me."

If anything, our dh's are getting free rides from us! Look at all the work we do FOR FREE!

Kudos for saying that!

LOL free ride huh? Hmmmmmmmmm.....well, being on mama duty 24 hours a day, cleaning, cooking, doing finances, laundry, schooling, running the house........what is free about that? Yet Dh can work his 12 hour shift, come home and relax, and he has clocked out...when does my punch-card clock out? LOL! :LOL

Just ignorance. Ignore it. My Dh notes that he couldn't handle doing what I do in a day....that is all the respect I need....other people's opinions are useless.
post #19 of 24
Quote:
Originally Posted by OTMomma
I remember taking a "ride", and it didn't cost anything... and then 9 months later we had dd.... But I'm not getting those every day since we had dd thats for sure! :LOL



Riding that ever popular *love train* huh? : : :

I know that one.
post #20 of 24
Your landlord is ignorant and quite frankly not even worth the several seconds it takes me to reply!
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