Tell me it's worth it

[mamapajama]

Ugh. There is an article on the CNN website today (I know CNN, yuck) that talks about how you don't have to feel guilty about working because all the studies show that children who spend tons of time in day care are just fine and that the best predictor of healthy development is family income. I know, its just a stupid article, but the thought that living on one small income so I can stay home may actually be harmful to my children...... I can't even stand the thought.

[mykidsmama]

Staying home with your kids is not a foolish choice and your kids will benefit
greatly lifelong from your being home with them. Nothing can compare with the love of a mother.

[NaomiLorelie]

I hate studies like that because they don't take everything into consideration. They are many other social factors that come into play. Unfortunately they are many problems that contribute to poverty that could also contribute to an unhealthy upraising of a child. I grew in a poor and very disfunctional household, but money had nothing to do with the disfunction. As a kid I didn't really care so much about stuff as I just wished that my parents would care. Just do your best Mamapajama and your kids will love you for it.

[Bethla]

If you can do it and want to do it, I say go for it. Life to me is so much LESS stressful because, for the most part, I stay home with my kids. Taking care of them and managing our family life is tremendously draining and adding it to the stress of working out of the house was too much for me.

[TiredX2]

Originally Posted by mamapajama

Ugh. There is an article on the CNN website today (I know CNN, yuck) that talks about how you don't have to feel guilty about working because all the studies show that children who spend tons of time in day care are just fine and that the best predictor of healthy development is family income. I know, its just a stupid article, but the thought that living on one small income so I can stay home may actually be harmful to my children...... I can't even stand the thought.

I would be fascinated to know what they defined as "healthy development."

Ability to make a lot of $ as adults?
Succesful interpersonal relationships as adults?
Good self-esteem as adults?
Heck, performance in 3rd grade?

The less specific "findings" are, IMO, the less reliable and meaningful.


Mamapajama----
You don't have to answer, but *which* emerald city are you in? The one w/Dorothy? Or...? DD & I were talking about the different cities w/the slogan "The Emerald City" the other day and I wondered if there were some outside of the Pacific Northwest.

[Kathryn]

It's always worth it.

[Greaseball]

There seems to be a lot of people who attempt to prove that mothers don't really matter that much and that anyone can do what we do. There is a lot of push for more removing the care of the child from the mother. People want daycare before 6 weeks, they want after-school care, before-school care, sick child care, and overnight care. And they want to prove this is all OK for the child, perhaps even better than being raised by one's own mother. The family is being disregarded in favor of the institution.

If anyone can do our jobs, why is there so much turnover at daycare? Why do some daycare workers say they will never do that kind of work again?

[abac]

the best predictor of healthy development is family income.

Well, that's a load of crap!!
Staying home is a wonderful choice. Remember all those things you hear about kids being asked what they want from Mom and Dad? The answer is always more time.
They can shove their stupid studies!

[Greaseball]

I recently wrote a term paper about daycare and one of the articles I used in my research was about how some hospitals are offering drop-in sick-child care (for kids with insurance, of course). The mom can drop her child off at the hospital all day, on a special floor that's just for kids who are too sick to go to daycare. That made me really sad! If I was a sick child, I'd want to be at home with my mother, not be put in a room with a bunch of other kids I don't know, to be supervised by adults I don't know!

I can't imagine dropping my sick child off at some hospital! When she's sick I just want to hold her all day.

[Kaitnbugsmom]

their definitions are skewed {and another similar word I'm not going to use here} I know from first hand experience that my kids emotional, overall mental and physical health is much better when I'm at home with them than it is when they're with my mother {one main reason is she's far from diligent about health and safety}

[cozymama]

Originally Posted by mamapajama

Ugh. There is an article on the CNN website today (I know CNN, yuck) that talks about how you don't have to feel guilty about working because all the studies show that children who spend tons of time in day care are just fine

Remember mama, it's NOT either-or. Just because some kids do fine in daycare (if it's a decent study, which it may not be, but personally I don't think good daycare is some horrible thing at all) doesn't mean your children will do badly at home.

Thinking in the either/or mentality both furthers the mommy-wars and sets up women to feel even more guilty......you making the right decision for YOUR family (like SAHM) doesn't mean someone else's decision is bad at all. Ultimately YOU know your children better than any researchers, etc.

How did they define health? Success? "Good" outcomes? Perhaps what the study defines as good is not something you personally are concerned with.....

While personally I do think there is good evidence that equates certain kinds of positive outcomes with income, it's NOT income per se- it's that people with more $$ get more privilege and more access to things like beter health insurance, etc. etc. It does NOT mean poor parents aren't good parents- it means the class structure hurts poor people, especially women and children.


Sorry, this is my rant- yes, my son used to be in pt daycare and yes he was FINE, it was a great school-- but he is also FINE with me SAHM. And since I like it better, as does ds and dp, it's what works for our family, even if we lose some income. I read studies like that, sure, but I weigh research questions, etc. against what's important to MY family, not a researcher's coding schema :LOL


And Greaseball, I don't know for sure, but alot of big hospitals offer sick-child care for their employees who can't miss work. Can't- as in surgeons, doctors who need to see patients, and single parents or parents who trade work shifts. Yes, I agree it's a bad system, etc. and that it hurts the sick kids, but I think the hospitals do it to retain residents. A better way would simply get someone to cover for the sick child's parent, but apparently that's not an issue for the higher-ups..... Alot of people, especially women in pink collar jobs, will literally lose their jobs for missing work

My personal bottom line is: If it works for you, it WORKS :LOL :LOL :LOL :LOL But that's just me

[MsMoMpls]

I believe that the best predictor of emotional well being in children is emotional well being in parents. Of course I just made that up, no research, just lots of personal experience and my years as a therapist. Now the problem is how do we create emotionally healthy parents? I know I am a better mom because my kids are in daycare part-time while I do work that I love. I would never tell a mother to do what I do, I respect mother's need to find their own way. The problem is that most mom's don't have the kind of real choices that I have due to my age, my education level, my supportive marriage, and my income. I have lots of choices that others don't. I admit that I cringe when I see the research. I don't want mom's telling me that my leaving my kids is damaging them and I don't want SAHMs to feel that they aren't contributing. It has to be what is best for you personally, and then it is best for your babe. That means, it is a terrible idea to be a SAHM if you are resentful and unhappy. It is a terrible idea to be a WOHM if you are stressed out and guilty.

[Greaseball]

And Greaseball, I don't know for sure, but alot of big hospitals offer sick-child care for their employees who can't miss work. Can't- as in surgeons, doctors who need to see patients, and single parents or parents who trade work shifts. Yes, I agree it's a bad system, etc. and that it hurts the sick kids, but I think the hospitals do it to retain residents. A better way would simply get someone to cover for the sick child's parent, but apparently that's not an issue for the higher-ups..... Alot of people, especially women in pink collar jobs, will literally lose their jobs for missing work

All true...there is this idea that women aren't really needed at home as much as they are at work. "Someone else" can take the child; but the worker HAS to be on the job. I'd like it if that attitude were reversed - let "someone else" do the work; mom needs to be with the child!

People often say "It's not going to kill the kid to be left with a sitter!" Why is something OK just because it won't kill you? I don't want my kids to simply not die; I want them to thrive!

[NaomiLorelie]

I recently wrote a term paper about daycare and one of the articles I used in my research was about how some hospitals are offering drop-in sick-child care

I can't remember what magazine but I saw a little article praising a new trend of virtual doctors at daycares. They interviewed a woman who left her sick child at daycare, and by the time she picked her up her daughter had been seen by a doctor over the internet, diagnosed with an ear infection, and given a prescription. They were praising this. I guess it's great that no one, including the doctor has to be too inconvenianced by this sick child. If a woman wants or has to work I think it's fine but that is too much. A sick child deserves their parents.

[mamapajama]

tiredx2:

I live in Seattle, although OZ would be nice

[Aiti]

OMG. It is so worth it. It's just hard to see that in the nonstop routine of daily activity. Don't let that "study" discourage you. If you feel like this is the best thing for your family, then that's all you need to know.

By the way, keep your ears open, and every once in a while you will get a reminder that it is worth it. The other day, my 3 1/2 year old daughter said something to me that almost brought me to (happy) tears: "Mommy, I'm happy, and I love you."

That's what it's all about.

[roundpegmom]

When I feel any doubt about our decision to have me in the home full time, I just remember: When you ask mommies of all stages about their regrets, I have never heard a woman say "you know, I really regret that I spent all that time with my children".

[cozymama]

Originally Posted by MsMoMpls

The problem is that most mom's don't have the kind of real choices that I have due to my age, my education level, my supportive marriage, and my income. I have lots of choices that others don't. I admit that I cringe when I see the research. I don't want mom's telling me that my leaving my kids is damaging them and I don't want SAHMs to feel that they aren't contributing. It has to be what is best for you personally, and then it is best for your babe. That means, it is a terrible idea to be a SAHM if you are resentful and unhappy. It is a terrible idea to be a WOHM if you are stressed out and guilty.

N'L: I'm not sure how that is not illegal, but non-AP SAHMs aren't exempt from doing stuff like that either-- imagine having more than one kid at home, needing to see a doc but not wanting the healthy kids to get sick, etc. so you look on the internet- bad in my opinion, but I know people are doing it ....the rise in that kind of "healing" (said in all appropriate irony ) is rising among mainstream America in general.....I agree that such a situation is horrible and sketchy- but for lots of reasons unrelated to daycare- overprescription of antibiotics, internet "docs" who don't see patients, etc. I think that hurts all kids But kids seem to come last too often

[Bearsmama]

The only analogy I can make is that it's kinda like all these new formulas with added "DHEA" and "comfort proteins", etc. Well, it's just NOT the same as nursing. It just ain't.

I think it's worth it. And today was a lousy day, and I'm still saying it.

[chalupamom]

Of course it's worth it if being at home is what puts the shine in your shoes! If you're happy being there and you're providing well enough (not *everything*, but enough) for the kids and the family is generally a happy and physically healthy one then everything is going to be fine.