Tell me it's worth it - Page 2

[SmilingChick]

Originally Posted by mamapajama

but the thought that living on one small income so I can stay home may actually be harmful to my children...... I can't even stand the thought.

I think it is definitely worth it to SAH. But it doesn't have to be either - or. I assume your partner/dh works a typical business day? Could you get a job on the weekends or evenings to avoid out of the home care? Even if it's only p/t, you'd be able to recoup some of the financial loss and have a little $ for extras.

[emomama]

studies like that are always skewed. the kids may have been "fine" but by what definition? i'd be willing to bet they aren't the same standards i have for my own kids.

there is a significant and often over-looked difference between poor and destitute. growing up without all of life's luxuries won't harm your children... in fact, it will help them to grow up to be appreciative of little things, frugal with their money, less wasteful of consumable materials, etc... personally, i think kids who have parents who buy them mountains of toys and provide them with every expensive, fun activity in the world are handicapping their children by leading them to believe that life is mainly about accumulating material possessions and that they "need" these things to be happy.

my family is a good example of the differences between poor kids and rich kids. when i was growing up, we were dirt poor and i never knew. my mom was happy, creative and brought us up to really appreciate the smallest of gifts, the simplest of games... we never wanted for love or attention and now i've grown up to frugal, appreciative and sensitive to others' needs. my youngest brothers are now in junior high and high school and my family is much better off. there are gaming systems, computers, televisions and toys everywhere. they need only ask and whatever they want is granted to them. my brothers are lazy, unappreciative of my parents' generosity, have no plans on getting jobs now that they are old enough to make their own spending money, etc. they come to my house and feel sorry for me that i don't have expensive things and a huge television... they don't understand that it is impossible to appreciate the things you do have when you've never had to go without, ykwim?

anyway! all that in mind, i just wanted to say don't worry about being poor. if your basic needs are being met and you are content with what you have... love and a little creativity go much, much further with children than all the money in the world ever could. just my humble opinion.

[my2girlsmama]

I ignore studies like that, because to me they are trying to give families reason to just work. And they make stay at home families seem unimportant. I don't agree at all.

It is SOOOOOO worth it. And I am saying this today on a day that has my dh on extra 12 hour shifts so me alone most of week, 5 yr old in school after whining in morning about not wanting to go, NO SLEEP thanks to one year old waking all night and refusing to sleep.....and the list goes on. All I have to do is hear my one year old say "mama" to know that she knows I am here for her night and day, not some stranger.......my girls are secure and happy knowing I am here all day every day.

[kaydee]

Originally Posted by MsMoMpls

I believe that the best predictor of emotional well being in children is emotional well being in parents. Of course I just made that up, no research, just lots of personal experience and my years as a therapist. Now the problem is how do we create emotionally healthy parents? I know I am a better mom because my kids are in daycare part-time while I do work that I love. I would never tell a mother to do what I do, I respect mother's need to find their own way. The problem is that most mom's don't have the kind of real choices that I have due to my age, my education level, my supportive marriage, and my income. I have lots of choices that others don't. I admit that I cringe when I see the research. I don't want mom's telling me that my leaving my kids is damaging them and I don't want SAHMs to feel that they aren't contributing. It has to be what is best for you personally, and then it is best for your babe. That means, it is a terrible idea to be a SAHM if you are resentful and unhappy. It is a terrible idea to be a WOHM if you are stressed out and guilty.

SAHing is worth it if that's what works best for all of the individuals in your family, adult and child alike. There are many ways to raise healthy, happy children in healthy, happy families. We all need to find our own path, in conjunction with the other members of our families, and as best we can in this society.

[KariM]

I believe that children who have a safe loving home REGARDLESS of income will turn out just fine!

I happen to know many adults who were reared in low income families who hardly knew they were low income. Yes, that was a different generation where consumerism wasn't so rampant but I still believe it's possible to raise happy well-adjusted children without a big income. I dunno, maybe I'm just a Pollyanna.

It's trite, but I keep remembering that when people approach death they never talk about how much they wish they had earned more or had more "stuff" but they always wish they had shared their feelings more or spent more time with the people they cared about.

--Kari

[sparkprincess]

There seems to be a lot of people who attempt to prove that mothers don't really matter that much and that anyone can do what we do. There is a lot of push for more removing the care of the child from the mother. People want daycare before 6 weeks, they want after-school care, before-school care, sick child care, and overnight care. And they want to prove this is all OK for the child, perhaps even better than being raised by one's own mother. The family is being disregarded in favor of the institution.

Yup.

[mamawanabe]

If you are a sahm ONLY because you think a parent at home it is the ONLY way for your kids to be happy and healthy and fullfilled, you are going to be dissapointed. Kids of two woh parents thrive. They are happy, healthy, and fullfilled.

I plan on being a sahm, but not because I think that my kids wouldn't thrive in a loving daycare situation, but because it is the kind of mothering that will make me happiest, the kind of mothing I would be best at. One look at the sons of my dissertation director, who works 50 hour weeks, will tell me that other ways of mothering are just as good. I've watched those boys grow up (been working on this degree too long ), and they are happy, healthy, wonderful, interesting, good, fullfilled . . .

It is worth it if it feels worth it in your heart of hearts.

[annarosa]

what a rubbish report that was !
stay at home parenting is a great choice for a good home life for the family as a whole and definitely for the children. most working mamas I know are working their socks off - it's like having two jobs plus no down time to recover - definitely not worth it if you have the choice.......

[PadmaMorgana]

Correlation does not mean causation Just because day care kids turn out 'successful' does not mean only 'successful' kids come from daycare. The whole 'family income is a predictor of success' is a bit of a stretch.

I find it worth it Of course at 5am I was a bit grumpy.....

You need to make the decision that works best for your family. With DH working so much and travelling, it makes more sense for me to stay home. Especially as we are dealing with three therapists for DS. If I had to work, I would be taking days off to deal with it.

Staying at home with a small family income is not harmful to your kids. That is the problem with studies like that....they are meant to alieviate guilt but end up causing more guilt.

[RedWine]

Much of the research on daycare is funded by a certain daycare business, or edited/approved by a certain high-profile psychologist employee of KinderCare (a daycare conglomerate).

I discovered this while doing research for my thesis.

Their "research" is biased, completely full of holes, and not to be trusted.

In addition, scholarly research which shows ill affects of daycare is actively censored and very difficult to publish (it's not PC enough...).

[kaydee]

Originally Posted by annarosa

definitely not worth it if you have the choice.......

Are you speaking for yourself, annarosa, or for all of us? Trying to speak for such a varied group as mothers (or parents--because of course fathers are perfectly capable of staying at home, too) is a tricky endeavor. What's not worth it for one may work perfectly well for others.

[Storm Bride]

When ds1 was five, I left my job. It was a total leap of faith, because I didn't have another job to go to, and I was the breadwinner. My ex wasn't earning much, and was blowing most of his cheque, in any case. But, my son was about to start school, and I didn't know where five years had gone.

So...ds1 and I were walking to the grocery store shortly after this, and he asked for a treat. He rarely got them, anyway, but I explained to him again that I was home and wasn't earning an income, so money was going to be tight for a while and there wouldn't be any candy or anything like that. He told me that sucked.

I laid it out for him, and told him that I could go back to work and there'd be more money, or I could stay home and we'd have more time together. He said "I don't need candy, mommy". And, that was that.

I ended up having to back to work. But, when dh and I got married and had dd, that was it. I'm finally getting to be a SAHM. It's totally worth it and I don't believe for one second that it's costing my kids anything!