How do you know your family is complete?

[mamato2boys]

And how do you determine what is right for your family when you and DH disagree? We are currently a family of five. DH is definetly at his max. with 3 kids and felt we were complete with 2 kids. I on the other hand really REALLY want another. I'm not sure why exactly, but our family doesn't feel complete to me; I would love one more pregnancy and birth, and another baby. I don't know that our family would feel complete with 4 kids, but I know that it doen't feel that way with 3. DH SAYS he's definetly done; but he hasn't had a vasectomy--even though he's been saying he would since we were PG with #3 and he's still willing to take risks when I tell him I'm at the fertile point in my cycle. I've told him that I'm not doing anything for BC other than monitoring my cycle as I'm not the one who doesn't want a baby. Do I not "rock the boat" and work to be content with my family of 5 andpush him to get the vascectomy (i don't think he's afraid, it's just not a priority for some reason)/ or try to get him to agree to one more?

How have you resolved this issue??

[DebraBaker]

I can't tell you how but when I had my last child I "knew". I really thought I'd mourn the loss of having a little baby but it hasn't been that way at all in reality.

I enjoy every stage Julianna has gone though but I'm happy to see her move to the next stage as well.

I'm sure this hasn't helped much, sorry.

db

[faythe]

I am sad about my last baby growing up, but I think a lot of it is because she is growing up so fast compared to her older sisters. Everything with her is taking me by surprise and I'm not always ready for it.

For me, I realized that I was done while still pregnant with #4. I also realized that I would have been happy with just 3. Ever since then things have happened to confirm this feeling, from receiving a birth announcement and not feeling any jealousy to giving away newborn clothes and being glad to get back some closet space.

In the end, I think the one who wants fewer kids wins this one (provided they take the necessary contraceptive steps). The kids you have and the relationship with your husband take priority over the possibility of another child. My dh and I were in the same place a year ago and I had to do a lot of soul searching. We had a very honest conversation about why or why not to try for another and what concerns we each had. If dh had not wanted to ttc a 4th then I would have let it go. It's not a deal breaker for me, and I wouldn't want to risk alienating my dh or worse over this issue. Instead I decided that I would focus on what I did have and make the best of it. There are a lot of things in life that I'd like to have or do, and sometimes they are at odds with each other. I think that's true for all of us, and we have to decide which is more important.

[gridley13]

Originally Posted by DebraBaker

I enjoy every stage Julianna has gone though but I'm happy to see her move to the next stage as well.

I'm sure this hasn't helped much, sorry.

Same here. Owen is about to turn one, and I am just rejoicing. I knew I wanted 2 kids from the beginning. DH and I both agreed that we would love to have one, then sometime down the line adopt one. Well, Owen apparently really wanted to be a part of our family because I got pg against quite a few odds. It was upsetting to me at first, to be honest. But only for about a day. Of course, I am so happy that he is here. I got my tubes tied when Owen was born (planned c/s). I just didn't want to have 2 so close together, mostly so that my dd wouldn't have to share my attention. It has been a very hard year, and I am soooo looking forward to Owen being able to do more stuff. Ok, sorry... back to your actual question.

When I was in the hospital with Owen, I had this really awesome feeling of completeness. It was very definite. DH feels the same way, but not in such a gushing way. He just says stuff like, yeah, this is crazy enough. I am glad we are not having any more .

So, I say trust your feelings. And though your dh is saying no, if he hasn't gotten the vasectomy, perhaps he is not really 100% sure?
I was also wondering... do you feel a longing for a daughter? Do you think that has anything to do with it? Just wondering...

[raleigh_mom]

I have two DD's and would love to have one more child. However, my pregnancies have not been very pleasant, and I would love to have the child through fostering or adoption.

However... my DH is currently done, and I feel I need to go with his feelings about this. I really think children need to be desired by both parents. If he changes his mind in a few years then we can go ahead, but until then I am putting my energies into babysitting other kids, collecting some pets, and of course, into the two beautiful children we already have!

[mirthfulmum]

I go back and forth on this all the time. Some days I long for one more child. I just have this fantasy of 3 children and having a home full of laughter, chaos and love. But on the other hand I am also itching to create a life beyond motherhood. I want to continue to stay at home with my boys until they start school and the idea of adding another 2/3 years to my wait to start working again dosen't appeal to me.

But I keep waiting for that sense of completeness, that my family is whole. I haven't gotten there yet.

[mommyofshmoo]

My dd is definately done after this next one. I sometimes think I want one more, but then I think of the price of airline tickets (we travel a lot), that our haouse is just the right size for a family of four, that our new mini-camper (hooray) really won't fit more than four- and I think it's probably for the best.

[mamato2boys]

Thanks for the replies. This past weekend was such chaos (the little ones discovered the joys of stuffing toys into the toilet until it overflows : and DH work all weekend) that I was sure I was done; and then everywhere I've been this week there seems to have been an overabundance of babies and PG women and the longings came rushing back LOL!

Faythe-I do agree that in most cases the one who wants fewer wins but DH has always been so unsure of each kid we've had. Growing up it was just him and his dad so the house full of kids is definetly foreign to him. And he just isn't willing to take the steps to prevent another babe. He confuses me!

Gridley13-I don't think it's just a longing for a daughter. A daughter would be great, but I love my boys and I'm proud to be raising three boys in a feminist household--I think it's really impt.! When I imagine a new baby it's just that,a baby, I don't think I've ever assigned a gender to my fantasies


I guess I need DH to really make his desires clear so I can move on one way or the other.

Thanks much

[Kaitnbugsmom]

Unfortunately, medical science made the decision for me, and it was seconded by my beloved. {once he found out what the specialists had told me. Silly ex let it slip thinking T already knew oh boy was he upset with me for a while} I would really love a housefull, but medically speaking Em shouldn't even be on her way, so I'm thankful to have made it thus far and have agreed to T getting the big snip snip after she's born...