Suicidal Mom

[MamaLuna]

Hi...I know i don't post on here very often, and have never even been to grief and loss before, but....i don't really know what to do at this point and need to at the very least get it off my chest...

My mom has been married to my stepdad for 10yrs or so, when suddenly this spring he decided he doesn't want to be married anymore. he has been "working" in another state for the past couple of years and rarely coming home, at first because he claimed he was too busy w/ work and now because he just doesn't want to. while my mom lives a 1/2 hr from me. there are also some implications of another woman involved. hmm, why not? although no formal divorce proceedings are under way yet, she is going to a lawyer on tues....

anyways....she called me up tonite after having spoken to him and spent 2 hrs telling me about how she doesn't have any reason to live anymore, her life is over, no one has noticed that she is in pain, and no one cares, no one needs her or appreciates what she does. if she was gone, she would be doing everyone a favor, she wouldn't be in the way. It's not the first time she has implied suicide, and she has referred to a gun a couple of times (well... the 9mm is working just fine)....

so I just don't know what to do for her. i know i can't fix this for her, but what can I do?? I trully don't think she would actually pull the trigger, and she actually admitted to me that she can get thru this, but what if I underestimate her?... and the guilt is horrendeous, i am remembering every harsh word, every bad thought of her, every unappreciated gift--and there are many, she is always giving, giving, and what can i give back to her??

she said she went to a counselor once, but can't afford to go back. she also has not opened up to many people about it, i finally broke down and told my brother about it, because i can't bear this alone.

i just don't know what to do for her and i am having a hard time being there for her while still trying to be there for my family, not to mention not letting her grief tear me up as well.

so...if anyone has any resources to share, (ie, chat rooms, books, etc) that would be helpful, otherwise, thanks for listening.....

~e

[lisamarie]

I am so sorry and let me say that you did the right thing by telling your brother! It can be so scarey and lonely to try to "take care" of someone by yourself. If there is a crisis line in your area, please call it asap. They provide crisis counseling in times of need, like this. I have called them before myself when my 1st dh threatened suicide.

Please know that you are not responsible for your mother. You can care, help and advise her, but you are not responsible. It truly sounds like she is going through a tough time and suicide threats are a serious call for help. The crisis line may know of counselors in the area that see clients on a sliding fee scale.

I know that there are also some suicide prevention websites, but I know none off the top of my head. One organization is S.O.S., that is for survivors of suicide. They might have some information on suicide prevention as well.

Best of luck to you and your family during this difficult, stressful time. Healing hugs to both you and your mom and please keep us posted.

Much Love & Peace~

Lisa

[Britishmum]

I'm so sorry about your troubles. I can't offer much advice, except to follow up on what Lisa suggested and find some support for yourself and your mum. Is there a local church who would offer help and support for either of you? Off the top of my head, it seems that long term she needs to be made to feel needed, so maybe some small requests from you might help.

Id' also not beat yourself up for every little thing you might have taken for granted in teh past. Think about your children - do you expect them to 'give back' to you? I bet you don't. Thats' not what being a parent is about, so give yourself a break and stop going over the past. You are clearly a loving daughter, so fucus on the good times you've had, not the times you think you might have been remiss. We could all rake up many incidents where we took our parents for granted - that's what being a kid is like!

Keep us posted about how things go and take care of yourself.

[Ms. Mom]

I totally agree with Lisa. Though my father never threatened suiside, that's how he choose to die. Notice I said 'HE CHOOSE'.

Though I feel so lost sometimes not truley knowing why. I also know there is NOTHING I could have done to help him.

The fact that you're listening to her is helpful. I would secound getting some outside support. If youre mother is open to counseling, help her get situated - then back out. She needs to work this through herself.

If you become overwhelmed with her mentioning it. Tell her! She needs to know that it's hurting you also. Maybe something like "Mom, I understand that you're hurting deeply inside. If I could take the pain away I would. But, when you talk about taking your life it hurts me so deeply inside. What can we do to work through this?"

My mother has also threatened suiside off and on for many years. I did finally have to talk to her like this to avoide crying every time I hung up the phone with her.

Best of luck to you - you're in my thoughs.

[MamaLuna]

Thank you all so much for your warm support and wisdom...

My mom was doing better yesterday, she decided that she needed to pull herself together...today tho, with gray winter weather setting in, she is very depressed. I am campaigning heavily to get her counselling, no matter the cost. You know lisa, I did try a 24hr crisis line, actually just a mental services place, and was shocked by the lack of help i got, the dr i spoke to was very apethetic. I mean, I know there was little he could do, but all he could offer was that he would send the police to check on her if we lived in the city. : oh well, won't be talking to him again...
And i know, in theory, that she is not all my responsibility, but it is very hard not to fall into the "if I could only do more, then-" trap.
It is equally difficult to see my mom, who always tried to fix all my problems, who was always so strong and forcefull, to be so helpless.

But thank you again for the support, it really helps to hear it from others that it is still her life and I can't fix it all for her. Thanks for being there to listen, and I am sorry for the tragedies some of you have had to go thro to be able to speak from experience.

[lisamarie]

Thanks for the update! I am SO sorry to hear about your experience w/the crisis line! That is apalling! Please continue to take care of yourself as you journey through this time of hopeful healing w/your mom.

Much Love & Hugs~

Lisa

[jody824]

My mom used to say she was depressed all the time and one of these days we were going to find her dead and everytime she said it, we rolled our eyes and said "here we go again" because she did it so much for so many years. Well 6 yrs ago, she took a bunch of pills because she liked the "buzz" from them, fell asleep and dropped a cigarette and didnt wake up in time to escape her burning house. Now i wish i wouldve gotten her help when she kept making those threats because we believe she took the pills to relieve the depression and it just got out of hand from there.

[MamaLuna]

I'm sorry to hear that Jody. That must have been hard for you. I can imagine why you quite taking her comments seriously, coping with ongoing depression would certainly be difficult. But what can a person do to help someone that is depressed and/or suicidal?? Especially if they are unwilling or unable (financially) to get psychological help??

My mom is doing much better, although her life is still in upheaval and she still has many reasons to be depressed. She is in a new relationship and happy for the time being, but I wonder what would happen if this relationship ends, I can imagine that she will be very depressed and suicidal again and I wonder if that happens, what I would do to help the next time around, because I don't have as much faith in this relationship as she does. I also know that she is basing her whole happiness on having a man in her life to support her, I think she is seeking happiness in the wrong places and setting herself up for failure, but what can I do about that??

Thanks for the reply Jody. All the best to you.

[MamaLuna]

Thank you for the support Nursing Mother!

[babycarrier]

Sometimes when someone is in crisis, shock or depression they cannot see out of it on their own. Are you near the University? They may offer counseling to the public or might have resources. I would call another mental health line. I'm sorry that doctor was not more empathetic to your situation.
I work with suicidal people. There is help available. Keep looking. Often there are resources. If she is willing to try counseling and unable or unwilling to make the calls, maybe your brotherand yourself can call counselors in your town. Ask if they work on a sliding fee. The Providence Center in Missoula may have resources to tell you about.
It is a painful position that you are in. I agree strongly with previous posters that suicide is an individual choice. I also believe personally that people who talk about having no reason to live are crying out loud for help. I hope you find the resources you need. You are in my thoughts.

[jody824]

[QUOTE=farmlife3]I work with suicidal people. There is help available. Keep looking.QUOTE]

I wish that were true. my moms dr gave her 200 muscle relaxers which shouldve lasted 50 days and only lasted 2 so i called him to tell him she had a problem and 8 DAYS later, he gave her 120 more and she was dead next day, bottle empty. She convinced him I called out of spite. i called psychiatrist, judges, hospitals, police, agencies and they all told me there was nothing i could do. then after she died, i went to file wrongful death suit against dr and all of the sudden, the records were gone!!!! there should be more help out there but i never found it!!!

[babycarrier]

I am so so sorry that happened to you. I didn't mean anything by my post but true support. I lost a person very dear to me to suicide and I myself have struggled with it in the past. I meant only to give hope with my post.

[jody824]

[QUOTE=farmlife3]. I didn't mean anything by my post but true support. /QUOTE]


I wasnt thinking you meant anything, i just know in my case there was no help!!!!