older kids fighting in front of toddler

[allgirls]

what can I do?

My older girls are nearly 15 and 11..the dynamic between them is one of intense sibling rivalry and their bickering is terrible...I hate you is quite common.

It's been quiet for a bit as my older daughter moved in with her dad to go to school in the town that we used to live in. She didn't last too long before she was out of there and living with my brother...I think she had forgotten how difficult her father is to live with. Plus he was doing some terrible drugs..I am so grateful she had enough sense to leave.

so in the summer after school lets out she is coming home. and I am delighted but here is my problem. I have a 22 month old daughter...she is the apple of their eye however for some reason they can't be civil to each other in front of her. I keep trying to get them to move their arguements to another room. I remind them to think back to how they would feel when there were arguements between their father and I when they were little and how it's the same thing...I want a peaceful house and if they have issues with each other they have to settle it in private and avoid conflict in front of her.

Before my oldest daughter comes home(June most likely) we will(my new husband and I) be sitting down for a family meeting. We have to set some rules. These are not arbitrary rules but more like rules of respect and tolerance and of course not hurting each other. I am also getting counselling for my oldest...my 11 year old just finished several months of counselling to help her deal with her feelings regarding the divorce and it helped a great deal. I need my oldest to do the same.

So suggestions...I know what I want...how do I get them to not fight in front of the family..to take their bickering away. Sending them to their room(they will be sharing)sounds punitive but if I did that it wouldn't be to punish them but to protect the little ones. Oh, and FYI I am expecting #4 in October.

Another thing..I have noticed my daughter's language has become quite colorful since she has been away...how can I curb this...we have a no cursing agreement here. She's the only one who ever violates it. I do not want my toddler cursing.

Thanks

[SagMom]

Instead of sending them to their rooms to fight, could you help them to sort it all out?

Sometimes when my 5 y/o and 10 y/o get into a disagreement and it's going in a bad direction, I'll step in. I won't tell them what to do to resolve it, but I sort of act as a referee by asking them each to give their version of what the problem is. (One at a time, of course!) Then I ask them what they want to see happen--what would make them happy. They usually take it from there and resolve things. I know your girls are older, but if they haven't been in an environment where they saw disagreements being resolved, they may just not have any idea where to begin, yk?

[oceanbaby]

I remind them to think back to how they would feel when there were arguements between their father and I when they were little and how it's the same thing...

I don't have older kids yet, but I wanted to say that I don't think that this is true. I have divorced parents. Your parents are supposed to be the ones who protect you, who are calm and stable when you need help. So seeing them fight and be out of control is much more frightening to a child. I think even a young child feels the difference between hearing their siblings saying "I hate you" to each other and hearing their parents say "I hate you" to each other.

That said, I agree that it is not the greatest idea to have them going at each other in front of the younger kids. I think setting some ground rules about "how" to fight would be a good idea, and then making them take it to their room if it gets out of control. I know that you have to step in if it gets really out of control, but I hesitate to recommend that too much. My mom ALWAYS stepped in when my sister and I fought, and to this day I feel like my sister and I never learned to work it out with one another, which has had an adverse affect on our relationship.

Good luck - I am kind of scared of the teen years!

[allgirls]

Originally Posted by Joan

Instead of sending them to their rooms to fight, could you help them to sort it all out?

Of course I will when I have time...but I will also have a newborn and a toddler...it won't always be possible...I might have other things to do. I do a lot of active listening with these girls and that does work...the problem is often they will start the fight and I don't know it's started and they bring it into the room where we are and it has already escalated...and the kids will witness it...I hope to stop it altogether before it starts or teach them to not fight in front of the little kids.

Yeah, I guess it's not always the same as when their father and I fought...we didn't say I hate you and I wish you would die and we were never physical like they are...in that way the fight dirtier..so it's scary to the little one in a different. but I am trying to get them to understand how the little ones will feel by relating it to their own experience.

Thanks for the suggestions ladies