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EX wife issues - warning vent!

post #1 of 7
Thread Starter 
Sorry to vent but DH's ex has continually caused problems ever since we got engaged and put his kids in the middle, we have nipped most things in the bud but she won't stop, and today she tried to get her DD 18 to deliver 3 manky hairbands to DH to deliver to her (the ex) when he took DSS 12 back this afternoon. But the thing is DSD 18 lied (again) and said it was something for her brother - not mother. So I told DH I did'nt think he should do it and so DSD took them back to DSD and told her. DH is now going to talk to both DSD and DSD again about being in the middle of this and blah blah blah.

I feel we did the right thing though as it is such a control issue with the ex and she has to continually find silly things to try and connect with DH (who really hates her at this point). She is truly psycho (actually is not meant to have either of the 2 youngest kids as she was declared an unfit mother and has Muchausen's by proxy so always using her kids to get attention).

Meanwhile she is lying to DHSS and getting $5000 from DH which he now cannot get back (he is really not good at dealing with stuff and left it too long) still worried she has embezzled this years tax return as the nice judge when *she* petitioned for money said ok but gave us every other year claiming for DSS 12 (DSS 14 does not live with his mother), and if she tried to claim him she would end up in jail. She is dumb enough to have done it but waiting to see.

Anyhow she has moved, and we are moving the opposite direction but she had to do this one last silly thing to cause a problem and especially on mother's day which up to this point went very well. I know it sounds childish but it just did not go well, and DH just does not deal with it too clearly, and it always involves the kids which is wrong, however once he has dealt with it he talks to them well so hopefully he is having a heart to heart with DSS as he is taking him back (its a 2 hour drive).

Anyhow its getting very annoying, and we try to be neutral, but I think he has to be clear about this as we are tired of being stalked, harassed all the time.

End Vent!
post #2 of 7
I know it is hard amidst all the difficulty to remember what is most important, but it is the kids. It is wrong that she puts them in the middle, but it is as equally important that they do not sense the vibe from you that you resent their mother's actions. As hard as it is, you HAVE to stay neutral and keep your personal feelings of how she acts to yourself. You can explain to your older sd, who is certainly old enough to understand, that while you understand her loyalty to her mom, she shouldn't feel forced to be a go-between. Because that is exactly how it feels to a child. It feels like a terrible burden. I try very hard never to put my kids in that place, as does my fiance with his ex. I know how hard it is though, and even harder on a day like Mother's Day. Keep positive, and if you show positive to the kids, at some point they will see the truth for themselves, and they may very well tell their mother the next time, "No mom, I think you have to handle this yourself."
post #3 of 7

Be the Bigger Person


I understand how difficult you dsc's mother can be first hand, but I don't really understand the hair band issue. What harm could have come with him handing them to her or packing them in your dss's bag for her? We have had so many difficult issues with my dh's ex, but you just have to let the little things go, as hard as it is. DH and I will NOT let important things that will direcly concern our time with his ds or his up bringing slide and will call her on anything that might conflict with what is directly best for my sweet dss. However, if there is anything we can do to foster positive, good and easy exchange than we do it. So what, if she wants your dh's attention. He's not really giving her the kind she wants, right? So then, do your best to foster openness and friendliness. This can be so HARD. I know but it is important for the kids involved to see you supporting their mother in whatever way you can. It might seem stupid to you, but you don't want them to think that you are trying to minimize the importance of their mother to them. While she might be the worse mother in the world, she is still their mother. Honestly, I think kids demonstrate more unconditional love than parents. They are going to love her regardless of what she does, so if you look like you are trying to foster good will on all parties, they will really appreciate it.

Actually, if YOU but the disgusting hairbands in a plastic bag, and do an extra measure of kindness every time something like this comes up, it also become effective for getting her to stop it, because she'll notice a woman's touch in the exchange and realize that the extra attention from dh also comes with a little unseen extra attention from you, and she will probably not want that. That's the best part of this approach. It accomplishes the distancing, while supporting the kids' need to "help" their mother.

I also know that it is imortant for you to have an open dialouge with dh about all of this stuff. Just be EXTRA careful the kids can't overhear it, then let it all out. It is very theraputic. Also before starting a new approach with your dh's ex, talk to him about it. He'll really appreciate the thoughtfulness regarding his kids' needs. Plus, then you can have a consistent plan with her.

Good luck!! It is TOUGH!
post #4 of 7
Thread Starter 
Thanks for the kind words, but if it was just an issue of delivering something that would be fine but it is basically her trying to control DH, there is a long history here, and so it is important he say no. We are not trying to minimize the importance of their mother here, but we are not going to play her games either, and thats what it is. Anyhow he had a good talk with DSS who was fine with it, as his sister told him to hide them and take then anyhow and he said no, and his sister apologized to DH and said she really has not to be manipulated by her mother, and does not know why she does it, thats what she said so DH was able to talk to her a little about it. I think we did the right thing here, DH did deliver a couple of cards, and did not ask who for (grandmother or bio-mom) but the silly games are getting old and have to stop, and plus its not healthy for them to be manipulated by their mother. I have to say if it was a simple thing that would be fine but its really insidious and manipulative and we try to handle it the best we can without putting the bio-mum down, but its very difficult to deal with.
post #5 of 7

Sometimes it doesn't stop

I wish I could offer something positive but what you're going thru now is what I went thru for years and I'm still going thru! The kids were always in the middle and as much as I tried to ignore the ex's crazy behavior (believe it or not I can fully understand the control she is trying to exert in the hairband mess) you are stuck. I tried to control it too, that didn't work either, she was/is relentless in her quest for recognition. My dsd is almost 30 and dss is 23 and we're still playing 'games' with them. Again, they know their mom is nuts but they do not have the strength to go against her. My dh is in the hospital right now and neither child has called him directly (I offered the number). Dsd was in town yesterday, she could have stopped by to see him! Meanwhile his dsd's and dss (my kids) have been keeping hourly tabs on him. I don't get it. If my dad was in the hospital, nothing, not even an evil stepmother would keep me from him. Some fishy phone calls went on last night (with me and his kids, they're still not calling him!) and even though she was escorted our of the picture 17 years ago, I can see the ex's hand in the shadiness that occurred. Grin and bear it, pray for her and them. Just be yourself and keep doing the right thing. That's the best I can offer. The sad thing in our case is dsd has a child now and she is perpetuating the same controlling, bizarre behavior like her mom.......Try really hard not to let them interfere with your love for your dh.
post #6 of 7
Thread Starter 
Originally Posted by StpMonstr
Just be yourself and keep doing the right thing. That's the best I can offer. The sad thing in our case is dsd has a child now and she is perpetuating the same controlling, bizarre behavior like her mom.......Try really hard not to let them interfere with your love for your dh.
Thanks for the support and sorry to hear about your situation, it is sad what some people will do to themselves and their own kids. The good thing is I think doing the right thing (as we see it) is working the oldest has really reconciled with DH and does not want to even see his mother lately apparently. They are all on good terms with us but sometimes get sucked into it, but the more we have been clear (and as neutral as possible without ignoring it) the more they have said yes I see that and I think they have felt relief that they don't HAVE to be in the middle too. I know the 18 yo DD just wants to get along with everyone, and tries to facilitate things but DH has explained to her about co-dependency and not to do things she does not feel comfortable with. She is in general very mature but her mother does manipulate her, she and her bf are getting married next year and moving away because she has interfered with their relationship so much, her bf cannot stand her.

Anyhow we have all calmed down now and just batton down the hatches to minimize what she CAN do and the kids are sick of her whining and trying to get them to spy on their Dad, so I don't think they even want to do it any more. Kudos to DH really for managing to have a good relationship with all of his kids despite her huge efforts otherwise.
post #7 of 7
no matter what you do she will find a way to get to you. Some make it their life work because although they don't want your DH they still want the control. Finally, in private, rather than ranting we have taken to laughing at the behaviour and blatant stupidity and then listing all the ways we are so happy. It helps. Not all of the time but it beats being angry about something I have NO control over and I can't force DH to do what I want because I am not with him all the time. It was hard to figure out that he has it rough being in the middle of not being a blatant jerk to the ex and upsetting the kid and dealing with me.

No one sets out getting married hoping they will some day end in divorce. Though I don't get the lack of thought people put into the leap sometimes either..
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