justifying family bed

[mamarsupial]

i need to vent a bit. my mil was just in town for a visit (actually helping us out since dh is sick). i forget that she is not as privy to our parenting choices as my parents are. it took some time and explaining for my folks to understand some of our choices, so i should be more patient. anyway, she was really shocked that dd is still sleeping with us. i tried to explain, but was met with "you need your own lives...you can't let a baby make choices for you...it just would take a couple nights of crying and she would learn..."

why is it so hard to understand that dd IS our life at the moment and that makes both dh and i amazingly happy. our child isn't a burden to us, she is a joy. watching her fall asleep at my breast, and wake to reach for dh and me in the morning, are joys that i would have never known if i had stuck her away in a crib. plus, it is pretty obvious that dd is thriving. so i'm hearing "you're doing such a great job...but you should really change what you are doing" all in the same breath. :

what is more, i can dig my heals in on things when i begin to get defensive example: i'm 30 and have never had a drivers licence. main reason is i believe strongly in alternative transportation. the other reason though is if everyone tells me i'm nuts for not driving or that i 'have' to drive then i feel more stongly about NOT driving. anyway, i'm worried that as i encounter more comments like this re: family bed, extended breastfeeding, etc. that i will start digging my heals in. this could effect my ability to be really balanced in my parenting choices. i embrace ap, but i try and keep an open mind and do what ever works within our own family dynamics, regardless of what other people think (ap or not). so, any thoughts?

[mtn. mama]

I couldn't pick just one, so I guess the last option fits best. When dh and I started having children and making choices about how to create the type of family we wanted we went for what worked for us. And piece by piece the majority of what we chose led us down the ap path. As we have gone along this path three babies later I have grown to love our style of parenting and therefore it trickles out in my conversations. I often find myself sharing my ways with other parents I contact. I am not trying to create a statement but how one lives is a statement. And it is reflected in the child. If your mil can't see how healthy and happy your child is and your home as a whole, she is missing out on enjoying her time amongst your family. Sometimes I will share and find that it doesn't get through so smiling and letting it be has to sufice. You don't have to respond to her if you don't want to . It is your home! You should not make your decisions to or not to based on her or anyone else. You obviously are confident in your way, why let her shake or unnerve you? I think that sharing, in a nonconfrontational way is a good thing but if it ends up like a debate then stop. Don't let her goad you. Maybe the root of all this is that she DOES see what a great thing you guys have, and she is jealous! Keep the faith!

[nikirj]

My husband and I both come from APing families. Both of our parents co-slept with us and our siblings. It really was just natural for us to cosleep with our children as well.

I voted that it works for us, and we feel the responsibility to educate people about cosleeping. It hurts me that so many people don't do it because they think they need to 'teach their child good sleep habits' (rubbish!!) or they think that the family bed is a dangerous situation.

[Piglet68]

I'm not really sure what to vote. We chose AP because it made the most sense and fits in well with our family dynamics and our laid-back, do-what-comes-naturally approach. But I also get excited about it, about how "freeing" it is to ditch the mainstream advice and go with what you want (i.e. no guilt here for snuggling with DD every night!). So I like to take advantage of opportunities to educate others. I also know that there is an element in me that would "dig my heels in" just to prove a point. I think I was determined to cosleep, BF, etc no matter what, in part to prove to everybody that I was right in my pre-birth expectations. Of course I would not extend this to the point of not doing what is best for DD. If she slept so much better in a crib than in our bed, I would move her. But I know a part of me wouldn't want to b/c it would "prove" the others right. So far, I haven't been tested in that way. I hope I won't be, lol.

As far as your MIL goes. I have thought and thought about what to say to comments like this, and I think the one thing that helps the most (when trying to educate them falls on deaf ears) is this:

"Why should we change anything? We're all happy the way things are". And say it in a tone that sounds final.

Much easier said than done, I know! so big hugs to you!!!

[tabitha]

we made our AP decisions long before our babe was born. my mother in particular disagreed w/ our choices. (she still does... mostly) every thing was "the worst decision of your life!" especially cosleeping. she also resisted cloth diapering, assured me i would never be able to labor w/o drugs, and kept buying us polyester/ plastic/ toxic stuff even after we let her know we would only be giving it to Goodwill.

(in fact, i was ABLE to labor w/o drugs partly because of her. she wasn't there, of course, and i asked for drugs during transition. my dh said, "Ok, Tabitha, but first we're going to call your mom and let her know she was right." and I never mentined it again! Ha!)

She also let us know we would need a crib and stroller eventually... when our "plan" had fallen through! she has partly changed. she's really on the cloth diaper bandwagon now... buyin' them up left and right!

Anyway, we made our decisions proudly. I really only want what's best for ds, and AP fits the bill. But i think i was determined to do it in part because everyone told me it wouldn't work. for instance, i had a lot of nursing problems in the 1st month, but i know i would never have given up, Never! how stubborn! :-) I am very open to others about our parenting style, and do not hide or soften my beliefs about it. if someone asks me, why do you sling your babe everywhere, instead of saying, "it works for us", i say "it works because...insert factual data here." i want other people to know, because it might change their opinion a bit. a lot of parents out there are really into what is best, they just think their pediatrician/ mother knows it! i have found that a lot of more "conventional" moms are impressed and swayed by "scientific" studies. they just got the wrong books, you know?

also, i have a beautiful example in my ds. he is so healthy (naturally born & exclusively breastfeeding, on demand) and happy (slinging not strollering, cosleeping, held all day). sometimes AP just speaks for itself!!!!

My mom is returning from NZ (permanently) this week! wish me luck!!!

love, tabitha

[cosmos]

I have the good fortune to have both sides of the family not say one word to our faces and then turn around and to all their friends. The look on their faces coming in to our apartment and seeing the queen bed with the bed rail and no crib was...well...priceless. I can just say what I feel and know they are slowly trying to wrap their little heads around it. My mil is better about it but she likes all the "baby" crap marketed and tried to buy dd a $70 crib bumper (on *sale* for $70) : It must be hard to have people in your face and disagree with you. Rest assured, you are a sensitive soul who can recognize the needs of your children and will be open to them. The one hard one for me was when dd started really eating meals and relied less on bm for nourishment. It just becomes obvious, kwim?

[cumulus]

Hi:

So much of parenting is, I think, cultural - having to do with ideas so deeply held that we never question them as anything but the absolute truth. I think common sense would lead one to believe as you do yet to move someone to delve deep and question their cultural assumptions is no easy task. My new plan is to ask questions when confronted about cosleeping. Why is sleeping alone good for the baby? or maybe, Why, when pairs of married, self-sufficient people sleep together and enjoy being cozy and together would I deny that same comfort to a totally dependent, helpless baby still new to the world and what things mean.

Plan B is to mention how a scientist who filmed mother and baby dyads while they slept found that though they changed positions during sleep most pairs spend the whole night face to face with their heart rates, breathing, sleep levels, and other parameters moving up and down together in an intimate dance. I think that's so beautiful that I'm afraid to mention it in conversation because if I still get an argument I fear I will become hardened or angry. I'll probably just try to avoid the whole issue like I usually do.

And talking about cars and culture, traffic accidents are the leading cause of death among teenagers. I think parents would naturally be quite reluctant to put cars and teens together. Just the opposite is usually the case. Many parents I know have purchased cars for their kids. Cars are so much a part of our culture they're a right of passage and symbol of all kinds of things - these things that destroy lives and the environment are referred to as "sexy."

I think you're right on in worrying about becoming hardened to the opinions of others when so many disagree. You've inspired me to try to keep open. It's important to do just for the children's sake - to listen and get the "good" in what people say so my parenting grows and adapts. But how? My immediate thought is the kids. They are so open to thoughts and experience - a daily lesson they can teach me

[Viola]

I believe in doing what works, not in making statements. But I do things based on theories that seem sound to me, even if they are not the easiest things to do. There have been times where I've worried if I did the non-AP thing, it might mean I was somehow discarding the values that had been important to me. It seems like we all do what works for us, however, so I don't worry about it overmuch. The only thing I really feel bad about is the Weissbluth sleep training I tried when dd was 14 months old, but I at least feel confident in saying unequivocably that I tried it and it was a dismal failure.

[Viola]

Good points, Cumulus. The other night (Halloween) I got a little spooked around right before going to bed because I heard a loud noise outside. When I went up and got into bed with my husband, it felt so nice. But the thought of my little girl down the hall all by herself really bothered me. I'm glad that she sleeps in her own bed now, because it is more comfortable and easier. We stopped having a family bed when she became a toddler and hubby moved to his own bed, but she and I slept together regularly until she was over 3. Last night she told me how warm and comfy her bed is and that she loves it, and the way she likes to sleep makes it easier for her to be on her own. But on a different level I also really wish the family bed was more a part of our culture so that any little difficulty associated with it would just be seen as something to get over and work around, not seen as a sign that the whole practice is bad. Oh well, when she calls to me in the night, I go and lie down with her, so that is our work around for separate bedrooms not being all they are cracked up to be.

[Viola]

(in fact, i was ABLE to labor w/o drugs partly because of her. she wasn't there, of course, and i asked for drugs during transition. my dh said, "Ok, Tabitha, but first we're going to call your mom and let her know she was right." and I never mentined it again! Ha!)

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[sozobe]

I have a little saying, since the doubters do think dd is just wonderful and smart and sweet and healthy and...

"The proof is in the puddin'. Right, Puddin'?"

[Gagesmom]

My sister (who has no children tried to tell me when my son was 2 weeks old that if I didn't lay him down and let him cry himself to sleep that he'd "never" sleep without me. I asked her if perhaps she was envisioning a 16 year old boy coming home from a date and climbing into bed with my DH and me? She is now married to a man who AP'd 4 children.
Of all people, my HOUSEKEEPER decided to advise me that we "couldn't" let our DS sleep with us or he'd "never" sleep in his own bed. IMAGINE THE NERVE!!!!!!!!!!!!! I told her that we didn't want him to sleep apart from us til he was ready, so it was no problem and she didn't need to worry about it. She got the hint.
My DH has a DD who is 15 going on 25 and he knows full-well how quickly kids grow up and away from us. He is more than happy to have our children in arms and in our bed. Co-sleeping is a joy that only we can understand! I feel badly for those who don't share sleep with their babies.

[guest^]

Before my ds was born,
My Mom couldn't understand why we didn't have"all that baby stuff" for our soon-to-be-arriving baby....and why was our 4 yr olds bed pushed up against ours??? My response? PUHLEEEZE, Mother....research has shown that it's *better* to sleep with our kids...makes them smarter,more secure,happier,and more independent!!! The Lord wants us to give our children US... not equipment!!!!!

I really only feel the need to justify my lifestyle to my family(and only slightly)and to my closest friends(who pretty much parent like I do)...everyone knows we take our parenting VERY seriously,read books,etc...

For everyone else, if the person inquiring or judging seems to actually be openminded about learning, I will inform with the intent of educating. Otherwise,my children and our relationship with them speaks volumes to those who can hear.

In the end, it is our children whose voice we really need to answer to...I will always advocate for them and their desire to be on the breast or in our bed.

mamapoppins

[Bearsmama]

I, too believe in doing what works, and I'm not usually comfortable with making statements. The bad news there is that I FEEL like I have to justify some of my parenting decisions even if no one is really questions. The good news is after having DS I have gotten bigger *#$%$ and I now feel like I have to speak up more. I'm his advocate and I now feel even stronger about co-sleeping, breastfeeding, etc. My problem is NOT the digging the heels in thing (although I sometimes wish it was)-it's the opposite. I have a tendency to get sheepish and self-doubting. DS is making me stronger and taller every day, though!

sozobe-I will gladly steal your great line. The proof IS in the puddin. And my ds is a happy, healthy, fearless, confidant snuggler!!

[asherah]

I try to do what works.. but I think our decisions do inherently make a statement, whether that is our intent or not.

We decided to co-sleep because it felt right.. not to make a statement. But it does make one anyway, doesn't it?
It says we ask questions and think for ourselves and go with our gut, even if that means going against cultural norms.

I don't think that's a bad statement.. even though we aren't purposely or consciously making it.

I don't automatically reject things just because they are mainstream.. I consider many sources of information.. some mainstream, some not.. and then I do what feels right.

And I'd get flack here from ap-ers for some decisions.. just like I get flack from "mainstream" parents for some decisions.

So we just do what works for us... and work on trying not to be bothered by the flack from whoever. That's easier said than done though, especially when the flack comes from SIL!

[homebirthing]

I didn't even realize that the way that I parented was any different from anyone else until a fellow AP mom told me! I couldn't believe it! I thought everyone understood that a babe needs to be to breast and bed. How else are you going to get any sleep. Then I heard (one of the few times I have ever watched Ophra? (spelling?)) Dr. Phil talking about co-sleeping and how it made really sick kids regress when their parents slept with them at the hospital. The more I got to thinking about it, the more I realized GOOD!! It is showing that their kids can let their guards down so that the parent can protect them. Don't you ever feel like regressing when something traumatic happens? I do! And what better place then in my moms arms.... I have to say that I do it for my family and no-one else. Although now I am more then happy to spread the word!

[PumpkinSeeds]

I don't think it's anyone's business, really. Frankly I don't really care what anyone thinks.

My dad's new wife came to our apt once and saw the two mattresses on the floor and she said, "oh, I threw my matressess on the floor when my kids were little too."
So a little support from an unexpected source. Let's see what the inlaws say when we go to visit next march..

[Lucky Charm]

I do what I want, and could care less what anyone else thought. I never justify anything, because I am not doing anything wrong.
I have a sil that told me to put a lock on the outside of my 3 yr ols door, lock it and not open the door till morning. I didnt even answer her, i mean, whos the nut? I make choices based on what works for us, and i feel that that in and of itself makes a statement. but, no, i am not on a soapbox, i just live my life, and leave the others to think.

[theedswife]

We do what works best for us as a family. Period. We get flack from both of our moms and probably always will. I've heard over and over that we'll regret this or that, but here we are, 15 months later, and we have a healthy (**Never** been sick!!), happy, thriving, and secure son. I get so weary of defending our parenting choices to people who choose to remain uneducated about it .... over the holiday weekend I told my MIL that the main reason I'm still bf'ing is because I know it bugs her: (not the truth, but she gives me the "You're STILL doing that?!?! It's time to stop!!" For an otherwise educated woman, she opts not to read anything about the benefits to mother or child on EBF'ing. As for cosleeping, she swears DS will still be sleeping in our bed when he's 18. My response is always the same. "I sure hope so! We love waking up to his smiling face!"

Jennifer

[Serenity]

just wanted to add anoither ridiculous mil comment. over theholiday mil said i should put 6 mo old ds in a crib in another room and come back 10 hours later. You could be getting 10 hours sleep a night! she exclaimed. like i was stupid for not having considered the option of ignoring him until it was convenient for me. i tried to explain why we would never do cio and she became increasingly mocking of our choices so i had to leave the room. i kept thinking that night though of how anyone could take such a callous attitude towards a helpless baby!