"alone time" with grandparents or other relatives

[YankeeMomInVA]

I'm just curious...
At what age did you start leaving your kiddos alone with their grandparents or other close relatives for more than just a few hours? (ie: a few days)

I ask because my MIL is constantly telling us (and has been doing so since ds was just a few weeks old) that we need to leave Colin with her and her dh for a weekend so they can have alone time.... Colin is 22 months...and to be honest with you....I have no plans of leaving him with them for an extended period of time any time soon for a myriad of reasons... Smoking in the presence of children, hitting, and disgusting eating habits being just three and she will not exercise any flexibility with those issues! (her view is...my house, my rules... )

My mother says that she never left us alone with our grandparents for extended periods of time before we were verbal....
Part of me wants to wait until Colin can express his OWN desire to go and spend the night or the weekend with them... (and even then, I'd have my reservations lol)

So...am I so wrong for not leaving my son with them like that? And when, if at all, did you start dropping your kids off for the weekend with their grandparents?

[fiddledebi]

We left our dd with her grandmother alone (at our house for a couple of hours) when she was about three months old, so we could go out to dinner. Basically, I nursed her, we raced out the door to the corner thai restaurant, and then we raced back in time to nurse her again. Then when she was about a year old and not nursing in the night anymore, we left her overnight with her grandmother at HER house.

The major (and I do mean MAJOR) difference between us and you, though, is that DD's grandmother is extremely respectful of our preferences. She's not a smoker or anything dangerous like that, and she bent over backwards babyproofing her house, buying vegetarian food, learning how to store and warm expressed breastmilk, etc. If DD cried, she never left her grandmother's arms. This is my MIL, and her husband passed away many years ago, so she's on her own. She doesn't let anything distract her from the time she spends with DD, and I honestly think the two of them get equal enjoyment from their time together. DD LOVES going to her house for a "sleepover." Their relationship is a joy to watch.

I think the issue to consider is not "is my child old enough?" but "is the care going to be appropriate for the child's age?" It honestly sounds like the care at your IL's house is never going to be ok, specifically if they refuse to stop smoking around your son and if they plan to hit him. If they are respectful of the "my house my rules" thing, maybe you could invite them to spend some time alone with your son at YOUR house, where the rule is "no smoking around the child" and "no hitting." Otherwise, maybe you could arrange the occasional outing alone with them outdoors somewhere, like the zoo. At least there the smoke will be able to dissipate in the air. I wouldn't know what to do about the hitting; if someone hit my child, that person would NEVER see him/her again.

Good luck to you, mama!

[lotusdebi]

*

[Elphaba]

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[maya44]

An overnight visit with grandparents they know well??

I officially started these at age 4. My kids were totally ready by then.


DD 1 did though once have an unplanned overnight stay with IL's when I had an unplanned hospital visit during my pg with DD 2.

DD 1 was not even 1 1/2 and I have to say, she did amazingly well. We woke her at 11:00 p.m. Explained as best we could and kind of dumped her with my IL's. I was sure she would freak out, but I think kids can sense when there is NO CHOICE.

[annethcz]

My oldest child stayed overnight with my parents when he was 13 months while we attended an out of town wedding. BUT, we were living with my parents for a month while we were in between houses, so it just seemed normal to him.

My older two have stayed overnight at my parents two more times- when they were 3.5 and almost 2. The first time when DD2 was born, and another night when DH and I were violently ill with the flu.

But unlike you, I trust my parents to take great care of my kids. I really have no worries about my kids spending time with their grandparents. And my kids see their grandparents several times per week, so they are very familiar and comfortable with them. I would be very hesitant to leave my preverbal child in a situation that you described. There will be PLENTY of time for that once you child is older and can express his own preferences.

[bu's mama]

Hannah just turned 3 on Monday & has no overnight visits with gp's that she has known/lived pretty close to since she was born.

I'm not totally comfortable with it though in the last few weeks if we are at my mother's house she says she wants to sleep over so I've been mulling it over. As a pp mentioned - she doesn't smoke & overall respects my decisions although she lets her watch way too much tv & gives her crappy food to eat. My inlaws, I think, would love to have her overnight which I am less comfortable with. Again, not dangerous, but mil is a bit overbearing & fil pretty much lets her. A lot of times when I'm over their house I feel the need to stick up for dd & she wouldn't have me there as her advocate, ifkwim.

A good, ap-minded friend of mine has a son (3 in July) that has spent a few overnights with his maternal gp's. They are extremely close & her brother & sil & their 4 yo daughter are staying with the gp's right now so while she doesn't want to let go, she is comfortable with the situation. To let her son stay with her inlaws - no way, no how - probably not until high school!

Basically, the situation you described would make me uncomfortable & I would be quite hesitant until the child can make a clear choice & you can go get him in the middle of the night if necessary, at least the first time. Listen to your instincts mama and ask mil to stop asking, you'll let her know when you are comfortable letting him stay over.

Good luck with your decision.

[Charles Baudelaire]

Originally Posted by YankeeMomInVA

I'm just curious...
At what age did you start leaving your kiddos alone with their grandparents or other close relatives for more than just a few hours? (ie: a few days)

I ask because my MIL is constantly telling us (and has been doing so since ds was just a few weeks old) that we need to leave Colin with her and her dh for a weekend so they can have alone time.... Colin is 22 months...and to be honest with you....I have no plans of leaving him with them for an extended period of time any time soon for a myriad of reasons... Smoking in the presence of children, hitting, and disgusting eating habits being just three and she will not exercise any flexibility with those issues! (her view is...my house, my rules... )

My mother says that she never left us alone with our grandparents for extended periods of time before we were verbal....
Part of me wants to wait until Colin can express his OWN desire to go and spend the night or the weekend with them... (and even then, I'd have my reservations lol)

So...am I so wrong for not leaving my son with them like that? And when, if at all, did you start dropping your kids off for the weekend with their grandparents?

NO, YOU ARE NOT WRONG. My daughter is four, and we still have not left her with her grandparents -- nor would we, due to some rather creepy statements from her grandfather (long story). This child is YOUR child. If they don't like it, then tough beans -- they know how to make one of their own.

[NaomiLorelie]

Tera spent the night with my mother when she was 23 months old when I was in labor, other than that she only spends a few hours at a time. She will be 3 in August and I am just getting to the point that I feel comfortable leaving overnight but only with my mother. My mom parents much like me and she is gentle yet firm with Tera when she needs it. I know that staying with her other grandparents she would be allowed to do anything that she wanted and fed all kinds of junk that I wouldn't want her to have so maybe in another year or two I'd feel okay with it. However if I HAD to leave her with them it would be okay. I do trust them.

[mommyofshmoo]

Schmooey has not stayed overnight at g-parents yet. I'm thinkin maybe when I'm in labor she'll have an opportunity to sleep overnight in our house with them or them and daddy.

she's never been without me for the night so I'd want to start her out easier- like with dad or at our house.

[alegna]

I'm thinking that around 3 is a good age to spend a night with trusted family or friends. That said, with your mom's talk, she wouldn't be getting my kids alone until they were 8 or 9 minimum and then only if the kids begged. MY KIDS MY RULES trumps your house rules lady. If she was going to hit my kids she would NEVER be alone with them. No room for negotiation on that one.

Good luck

-Angela

[Ilaria]

Owen stayed one night with my MIL at OUR house, while I was in the hospital after having his sister. Never before or since.

We are planning on taking a vacation next summer whn Owen will be 5 and Caroline 2.5 without them (if she's done nusring though and if tehy're ready). they will stay with my parents, I don't think I'd leave them with my inlaws.

From the way you describe them, I would not leave your ds there for any period of time.

[Evan&Anna's_Mom]

Most of the "alone time" that my parents have had with my children are at our home, where the kids are comfortable and where I know its safe. My parents, especially my mother, has been doing overnight babysitting for us since my oldest was about a year old. With my youngest, I had a conference I had to attend when she was only 6 weeks old, so my mom came to help my DH for that week. I didn't let my son go to their house without me until he was 4, and then only after a very long and uncomfortable conversation about the things they had to understand we would not permit -- topped by hitting him. He will go back for a few days this summer. DD, at 2 1/2 is not yet ready for this step.

Neither child has spent an overnight with my ILs and never will, unless there is some sort of unimaginable emergency. They smoke. My limit, admitted arbitrary, is no more than 4 hours in their home for either child. Thus, no overnights. Also, I am not wild about the way they speak at children (not to, at), so I try to limit their contact and I try to limit their time alone with the kids. They won't come to our house for extended time because I make my MIL smoke outside and I would never, ever, permit her in my bedroom because of the smell. I'm badly asthmatic, so smoke is a real big problem for me.

All of that is, however, totally immaterial to your decision. If you don't trust your parents, or anyone else, to provide the type of care you want for your children, you don't leave them alone, period. Some things, like food, I think are worth bending on because 2 days of bad diet isn't really going to have a long-term effect on your child. But hitting and smoking? Hitting is a deal breaker, completely and totally because that will, I believe, have a long-term impact. Smoking is tougher for me. I have made some compromises with what I believe for the sake of family harmony and because I think the value of knowing and loving your grandparents are worth some risks and, as far as I can tell, limited exposure to 2nd hand smoke isn't that big a risk. So that's where I've come down on the issue.

But you have to come to your own decisions about what you can and will tolerate. Then comes the hard part -- you have to articulate them and stick to them. It may help to stop stalling with "child isn't old enough" and come right out and say "Until/ unless you agree to XYand Z, child won't ever spend the night at your house." If the real issue isn't the child's age, then I think the only thing you owe them here is the truth.

Hang strong and good luck!

[onlyzombiecat]

Dd is five and we've never left her with anyone for more than a few hours. No plans to drop her off for a weekend anytime soon either.

[YankeeMomInVA]

Originally Posted by Charles Baudelaire

This child is YOUR child. If they don't like it, then tough beans -- they know how to make one of their own.

LMAO! I'd love to see the look on their faces if I said that :-) Hmmm *tucking that in the back of my mind*

As for everyone else... I really appreciate your responses.... It helps to know that other people see where I'm coming from!

Trust is exactly it... I don't trust if my son wakes up in the middle of the night that she will tend to him..... I don't trust that she will not scold and smack his butt for pooping or peeing in his diaper....I don't trust that FIL will see her acting like a fool and step in and mediate.... etc, etc, etc...
SO...all that equates to no overnight trips any time soon....Actually...I've never left him with them at their house...ever... if they watch him, they come here...and it's usually for just a few hours.....

It's times like this that I wish MY mom and dad lived closer! We're in VA and they're in NY... :-(

Anyway...again... I REALLY appreciate your responses...

[karlin]

DS is 20 months, still breastfeeding, and doesn't come close to sleeping through the night. So, even if I wanted to leave him with his gp's, I really couldn't. I don't plan on it for a very, very long time though. In fact, I've never let anyone other than DH watch DS yet. I'm just not ready, and I'm not sure DS is yet either.

[4evermom]

Right now ds is 3 3/4. I can't imagine him being ready for an overnight visit before 7 or 8 either.

[meco]

My almost 28 month old has stayed with my parents several times since he was 1.5 or so. Rarely for more than 12 hours overnight.

I am a single mother, so I rarely get a break. I cannot afford a paid babysitter. When I visit them (every 6 weeks or so), they want to catch up with my son and I want to spend time with friends. He loves staying over. They are wonderful grandparents. They cosleep, follow my GD tactics, plan fun activities, no punishment/spanking. I live in NYC, and they live in the country with a lake, animals, tractors, forest and other children around. He gets the best of both worlds. My son adores my parents, talks about them often, and when I leave he tells me bye, gives me a kiss and tells me he gets to stay with my parents. If he hated it and they did not treat him as I would want him to be treated, it would never happen. But they are wonderful so I let him stay overnight.

[iris0110]

I have left ds once for more than a day with my parents. I was in the hospital at the time, so there really wasn't any other option. Of course we live with my parents so it is kind of a different situation. Sometimes ds "spends the night" with Memaw and Pepaw. Basically he decides that he would rather sleep in their bed for the night. Though alot of times he gets up at 5 AM when my mom gets up for work and then heads back in to sleep with me.

I will not be leaving Ds overnight with the IL's any time soon though. It is fine to leave him for a few hours, but overnight just isn't going to happen. I can't imagine Ds sleeping in a house he isn't used to at this point. Plus even though MIL cd'd her kids she can't seem to figure out how to work ds's dipes. They aren't careful about locking the doors so ds doesn't escape and they live by a very busy road. Then there is the church issue. They really want ds to spend the night Saturday night so they can take him to church Sunday morning. I don't want Ds going anywhere near that church, and MIL doesn't have a carseat in her car. MIL just doesn't seem to understand, SIL and BIL both leave their kids with her overnight, usually starting around 2 months old. Ds will be four this summer, and we just started letting them babysit for a couple of hours when he turned three. I don't intend to let him stay overnight until he is old enough to ask to, and I have a feeling in Ds's case that will be a very long time from now.

This may just be my opinion, but I find it odd that so many grand parents and other relatives want "alone time" with other people's children. It just rubs me the wrong way some how. I can't quite explain it but it doesn't seem right to me. But hey, Maybe I am just paranoid.

[Black Orchid]

It depends on your personaly situation. I found that I did not want to do it, but for the wrong reasons. It was more of a "control" than a trust thing for me, which I didn't think was fair to my parents or ILs. We left my DD with my mom for 2 hours when she was 6 mo to see a movie. From that point on, we'd leave her for a few hours once or twice a month with them so we could get things done or have a date.

At this point, she is nearing 2 yo and when our families visit, we leave her with them in the evenings, they put her to bed, etc. We are planning a night in NYC in June and she'll stay overnight with my ILs.

Like I said, it all depends on your situation. You are not a bad mama if you want the time away. But if you don't feel comfortable or trust them, follow your instincts!