"alone time" with grandparents or other relatives - Page 2

[Willowrose]

My sons have never had an overnight with either set of grandparents. DH's parents have never babysat the boys, though they are very involved grandparents. My parents have only watched them a handful of times.

[YankeeMomInVA]

Originally Posted by iris0110

This may just be my opinion, but I find it odd that so many grand parents and other relatives want "alone time" with other people's children. It just rubs me the wrong way some how. I can't quite explain it but it doesn't seem right to me. But hey, Maybe I am just paranoid.

LOL Are you sure you didn't just get inside my head?? I don't understand it either... why do the parents have to be away in order for them to "bond" with the grandchild?? Seems kind of sneaky or odd at times to me...

Originally Posted by Black Orchid

It was more of a "control" than a trust thing for me, which I didn't think was fair to my parents or ILs.

lol I DO have control issues...especially with the ILs... so I thank you for pointing that out about your experience...It's very honest of you :-) I guess it my case where it's different is that there are very blatant reasons for me not to trust the ILs...and my dh sees those reasons... So luckily my "control" freakiness is a good thing here b/c it protects my child :-)
How did you work through those control issues???? Baby steps?

[StephandOwen]

From your post I say good for you for sticking up for your DC! If you don't feel comfortable leaving DC with the grandparents then there is no reason why you should feel pressured to.

I have never left DS alone overnight with anyone. And don't plan on it for a looooong time. The longest he's been away from me is 3 hours, and those are court ordered with his dad and fits in between breakfast in the morning and he's returned to me by naptime b/c ex can't get him to sleep. Hopefully I won't have to give him to ex for overnights for a long time (at 19 months ds still nurses to sleep and multilpe times during the night). I would never ever leave ds with ex's parents. Never. When ds gets older if he wants to spend the night with my dad he can ( :LOL DS and I live in the upstairs of my dads house :LOL ). I would have to give a lot of thought to leaving him with my mom..... but probably wouldn't leave him with her in the end unless I absolutely had to. The only people I have left him with is his dad and my dad (last weekend I left him with my dad for about 1 1/2 hours.... that's the longest I've ever left him with someone *on my own doing*).

[edamommy]

My MIL came right out and asked "... at what age can he start to try overnights..." (he's 26 months) and we've decided that 4 or 5 is good for us (and ds!). At that time we'll reevaluate the situation! (overnights for my MIL would be in another state...)

[Kleine Hexe]

My son is 4 and has just started staying overnight with my parents. Two nights has been his max. He has not stayed with my in-laws at all without me. Long story there.

When you and your DS feel comfortable that's the right time and not when your relatives want it to happen.

[ameliabedelia]

This may just be my opinion, but I find it odd that so many grand parents and other relatives want "alone time" with other people's children. It just rubs me the wrong way some how. I can't quite explain it but it doesn't seem right to me. But hey, Maybe I am just paranoid.

I am the same way. Growing up, I never had much "alone" time with either of my grandparents. Definitely never with my paternal grandparents and maybe just a little bit for a few hours with my maternal grandmother. And, it wasn't just to have "alone" time, either. It was because we were visiting my grandmother and my parents wanted to go somewhere or do something we coudln't go or would be bored at. I don't get the need for "alone" time. I really don't. We visit the grandparents as a family together and bond as a family together. I don't think I will ever let my in-laws watch my kids, unless it is absolutely unavoidable (and they live 1000 miles away, so it doubtful that will occur). My mom did come up to watch dd1 while dd2 was being born, and that was fine and when we visit my parents, they watch dd1 so I can go on a walk for an hour or so, but that is it. I totally trust my parents, and would leave my kids with them, actually if both dh and i die, they would be legal guardians, but I still wouldn't leave my kids with them "just because" If there was something dh and I really, really, wanted/needed to do that we couldn't do with kids, I might leave them with them for the night or even weekend, but there would have to be a good reaosn. But, I don't get just dropping them off at the grandparents or anyplace else for no reason. I see no need for it or reason for it.

[Llyra]

I'm a little different from all of you. My DD spends quite a lot of time alone with my mom and my mom's sisters, but that's because it's fairly traditional in my family for aunts and grandma's to help a lot with babies and children-- we all live very close and my cousins and I were always sleeping and eating at each others' houses-- sometimes more than at home. It's just that kind of extended family, and I'm grateful for it because having those kind of kin connections is really supportive for me as a mother. We all agree on child and baby care, and I know that they will give her exactly the same kind of care that I would. She is building trusting connections with them as well as with me, and she'll have those connections to draw on later in her life. The extended kin model of family life seems to me a very healthy one.

I would NEVER leave my daughter alone with my in-laws. For me, as others have said, it's all about trust, and about how well you agree in lifestyle and parenting styles. If I had the slightest doubt that my daughter would experience a quality of care even different from what I myself give her, I would keep her right with me. With my in-laws, I don't know for sure that they would do anything I disagree with, but I don't know for sure that they wouldn't. When my daughter is old enough to ask to stay over there, I will let her, but while she's still too small to understand, I will keep her by me.

[greymama]

I didn't read all the posts, but it appears I'm a little different in the regards. I am very comfortable with my parents watching my children for a night or more. And my parents live 2-hours from me.

DH and I left DS#1 with my parents for a night (possibly 2 I can't remember) when he was 7-months-old. He's now two and has spent several weekends with them, even a whole week once while DH and I were in Europe, DS was 18-months. (We didn't plan a vacation without DS, it just so happened that DH was there for business, and I was able to get a VERY cheap ticket last minute.) Yes, I did call my mom from the airport crying during a layover seeing all the parent's traveling with kids, but knew that my precious boy was in protective, loving hands.

DS has a blast at my parents and now everytime we get in the car he wants to go to his nannies and watch Wallace and Grommit (or as he says "Cheese") with his pappy. We also have a 7-month-old who just two weeks ago spent the weekend with my parents and his big brother.

I personally think it's healthy for them to be comfortable spending time with my family, and I know it's healthy for DH and I to spend some nights alone occassionally.

[Devaskyla]

My ds is nearly 4 and has never spent more than an hour at most without me at my mom's. She regularly bugs me to let him stay with her. It doesn't help that my sister's kids are regularly dropped off at my mom's for days at a time, even though my mom is disabled and can't really handle 2 energetic little boys on her own.

My mom can not seem to accept that ds is just not ready. I mentioned the possibility to him (pretty much knowing the reaction I'd get) and when he understood I meant without me or dh there, he got very upset. This is a child who is definitely not ready to sleep by himself yet, even, so definitely not ready to be without mommy and daddy. Mom says he can sleep with her (weirdness ahoy, imo), even though she's constantly bugging me that he should be in his own bed. She just doesn't get that it doesn't matter, he's not ready.

Then there's the whole trust issue. I don't trust her to bring him back if he really couldn't handle it. I don't trust her to not spank him (she's several times in my hearing said things like "you're going to get a spanking if you keep doing x"). He'd probably eat better than here, since we eat what's cheapest and that isn't usually what's healthiest, whereas she has money to buy the healthy stuff, but that's not the important thing.

She's now decided that she's going to stay here and take care of him "while mommy's in the hospital". Little does she know, I'm having a UBAC. I don't think I'd even want her taking care of him here until he's older.

[Flor]

I started leaving ds for an hour or two with my mom when he was just a few weeks old. She watches him while I work, but she was no cio, held em all the time mom, too, so I trust her with him completely. He has never spent the night (he's 21 months) but might when he is 3 or 4-- but thats one night and he would be getting very good care. My dss has never spent a weekend with his grandparents and he is 10! A night yes, but not a weekend.

[Black Orchid]

Originally Posted by YankeeMomInVA

How did you work through those control issues???? Baby steps?

Can I just plead luck? :LOL Well, I think it a combination of getting through the PPD that was making me paranoid about everyone and everything. And around 6 months, my MIL made an effort to be different with us and more respectful of our decisions and our experiences. She started visiting more often and I began to see how much pure love she had for my DD. And things just naturally evolved from there.

It took a big leap for me to finally admit that it was control thing and that there weren't any trust issues left after I saw her with my DD. I'm not in any way saying you should not listen to your gut at all... I just started to see that message wasn't coming from there.

I sounds like you are being really mature about this and have real reasons for your feelings about this subject. If I were you, I would continue to stick to your convictions until you feel otherwise.