i lost my tempor with someone else's kid!

[moma justice]

ok
go ahead and flame me, but today is spit out some harsh words to a stranger's child at the park....i can't yet decide how guilty i feel, i know i did not handle it perfect but beyond that i don't know how wrong i was.
here is the story:
my dd saw a boy walk up to the playground with a bunch of toys, and then his mom handed him two big bags of toys (beach toys, trucks, stuff like that)
all the moms were introducing themselves and their chidren and their ages etc

my dd watched me meet his mom and learn his name and age (he is 4 and a half and she is 1 and half)

she walked up to him and said his name and smiled and his mom wondered over to another side of the playground and my dd pointed at his toys
and said
can i play?
he said
nooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
don't touch my stuff you are just a little baby and you will break it all
(and his tone was anger, and he said "baby" like it was an insult)
first of all we are talking about a plastic shovel
so i walked up and said, i will help her and make sure she plays with it nicely and i won't let her be rough with it.

and he looked at me like he hated us and said
don't let that baby touch my things, she is just a dumb baby...now go away!!!!!!!!!!

so i snapped
it hurt my dd's feelings so much
she was so sweet and polite
so
i looked at him and said
well you are the one that is still in diapers!
she can pee and poop in the potty and you still pee and poop in your pants, like a baby
and she at least has some manners unlike you.
come on dd, we don't want to play with that mean little boy, he is just acts like a baby!

i can not even tell you why or how it cam eout of my mouth
i know i am hormonal right now, but that was pretty bad.

so tell me what you would have done
or even better tell me if you have ever siad something mean to someone else's child
so that i feel like less of a b*tch

[Oh the Irony]

Originally Posted by moma justice

so i snapped
it hurt my dd's feelings so much
she was so sweet and polite
so
i looked at him and said
well you are the one that is still in diapers!
she can pee and poop in the potty and you still pee and poop in your pants, like a baby
and she at least has some manners unlike you.
come on dd, we don't want to play with that mean little boy, he is just acts like a baby!

[Vermillion]

I’m not going to flame you, what would be the point? You already know that it wasn’t the best way to handle things and now you know better, right?

That said, I SOOOOO know how you feel! I have said those things in my head to many kids before. My child (who is very sweet, empathetic, kind and sharing) gets treated like dirt by other kids on a regular basis. It kills me inside and it takes everything I have not to be nasty back.

I try to remind myself that it probably isn’t the kids fault… Maybe the parents just don’t model kind behavior or correct them when they are mean. There are lots of reasons I imagine. But it still doesn’t take the sting out of watching your child’s heart break over some kid’s nasty comments/behavior towards them!

[mama ganoush]

wow. i know i am frequently tempted to do the same, but have always managed to control myself. in fact just yesterday as i watched this mean little brat say nasty things to my kid all during ballet yesterday i wanted to run into the class and tell the kid off.

i told jade after when we were alone that if the girl bothers her next time she should tell the kid to shut her piehole : , which is certainly bad enough, but what i felt like telling her she should say was "i can see you are as mean and stupid as your mom." :

so, um, i guess i don't really have any words of wisdom for you.

what is it about the playground that can really bring out our inner lioness?

[Dodo]

There have been lots of threads like this in the past. So, relax, you're not the first to freak out on another person's kid.

Typically, the person writing the threads is the mom of a one year old. I think that it's common to have unrealistic expectations for kids who are older than our own. I know I do.

It's pretty normal for a four-year-old to lord it over a one-year-old for being a baby. It's pretty normal for a four-year-old to not want to share toys at the park. Geez, I don't like sharing the toys, because I hate searching the park for them when we leave.

As for what I would have done? Hmm... I dunno, Say something like, "Name calling is not okay" and move away, explaining to dd that the little boy needs some space, but doesn't know how to say it politely.

[Oh the Irony]

yeah, but the kid has every right not to share toys with someone he just met.

i refuse to take our own toys to a park because it just leads to problems.

so he used baby as an insult, and then you turn around and use ut as an insult.

so, obviously you know NOTHING positive was created for that poor child or yours. if you had said that to my child i would have felt like slapping you...

what would i have done? probably after the first refusal, and definately after the second, i would have redirected my child to another area of the playground. if the ages had been closer, i would possibly have tried to get them to cooperate.

[kiahnsmum]

MMMMMMMMMMM this is a hard one, i dont condone in any way hurting a childs feelings but i can completely relate to the mothering instincs that kick in when you see your childs feelings being hurt.
My ds who is extremely sensitive emotionally and takes what people say way too seriously had trouble with a boy at school who kept making up 'rules' and telling my son he was breaking them, like that he wasnt allowed rice crackers at school so ds would come really upset and would be anxious the next day asking me if what i had put in his lunch box was allowed. This was when my son had just started school so everything was new and i was also dealing with him not being at home with me which i wasnt handling so knowing that he was getting upset at school was heartbreaking.
The school had a sports day which included a picnic i had made heaps of yummy baking and my sons fav sandwhiches we ate the picnic in class groups and this particular boy was very interested in what we were eating and one of my ds new friends asked to share some of our stuff we said sure then the boy in question asked if he could too, well heres the part i regret, i told him that our picnic had all the things he had told ds were not allowed so there was no way i was gonna let him have any of it and he would just have to eat his boring sandwiches by himself. He has laid off my son since then!
unforunately i have since then seen the way his mother treats him, she talks down to him badly tells him not to be a baby and is always impatient with him, so i have totally changed my attitude to this boy and have found that he is really insecure, at the next picnic he was more than welcome to join in with us i even bought him hot fries from a food caravan nearby because he told me how much he loved them! :LOL

[Lucky Charm]

well you are the one that is still in diapers!

Ouchie.

You feel bad enough for saying it, so i wont further compound it by flaming you. I mean, we have all felt like saying these things, you just happened to cut loose and say it!

I have felt like saying things, and working at the school during recess, i can honestly say i feel like pinching a few of the kids heads for similar reasons.

I have had kids hurt my kids much in the same way this kid treated you little girl.

The kid was certainly within his right to say no, to not share (I mean, how many threads have been here at MDC about this issue, about how our kids don't have to share?). But like most little kids, he lacks grace in articulating things.

We can as adults control what we say, and when it comes to little kids, i think we should refrain from saying things like you did. But I'll tell you what, if my kid didn't share with your kid, and i over heard what you said....lets just say I wouldn't be pleased.

[Simply Nurtured]

No flames, of course not, I don't do flames...

I am just wondering what the boy's mother said. If my son had said those things to another child, I would have been mortified... None of mine ever has, they are always happy and grateful for another child to play with.

But there have been a few times where my youngest, in particular, might be a little bossy, he is a "director", you know. :LOL He is always telling all of us the "correct" methods for everything. He is very precise.

So if he is playing and another child comes along and he sees that they are not playing with the particular toy in the intended method, he might try to tell them, but I always remind him to be soft and gentle and ask, don't tell, and also to remember that everyone has different ways of playing with the toys. That has always worked and he plays really nice with children of all ages. And if the other child is younger, I gently remind him of that as well.

I am always really conscious about stuff like that, so I guess that is why my question is about what the mother's reaction was to her child's behavior. And was she stunned that you spoke up for your daughter?

[farmer mama]

Whew! Well it is pretty bad. But I must say that we often feel the need to defend our kids, especially when it is our first and they are very young. I remember feeling really pissed off at some of the older kid's playground antics and ways of talking to dd when my first was little. It is easy with a little one to forget that bigger kids are still "babies", and while this little boy was irritating, he was acting within the normal spectrum of 4 year old behavior. I could go into ways that you could have spoken to him that would be more appropriate, but I am sure you already know them. This is precisely why I do not bring toys to the park, and if we did it would be very clear to my kids that any toys are fair game. Also, I do keep a very close eye on my children when they are interacting with other kids, especially because I know this type of thing is normal, and if anything like that happened (them being rude to another child, especially a younger one), I would intervene immediately and let them know that it isn't an okay way to speak to another person. That said, neither of my kids fortunately have been rude to other kids (because of their personalities and also because we are really careful about teaching them to share and to treat others with respect), so it isn't an issue. Anyhow, it sucks that he was rude, it is normal to be angry about it, what you said was out of line, but it isn't the end of the world. Hope this doesn't make you feel worse.

[Britishmum]

I might have sighed inwardly, but I'd have told dd that the boy didnt want to share today and moved off. I have never spoken unkindly to another child, no matter what he or she has done. Firm, yes. Unkind, no. Not acceptable imo.

My dd didnt want to share her truck at the park today. Sometimes I dont want to share my stuff either.

I know you know it was wrong, but maybe you can mentally rehearse how better to handle something like this if it happens again. Sometimes we need to step back and realise that kids are kids - someday it will probably be your dd telling another kid she cant share or she's a baby. And you'd want another mum to handle it gently, wouldnt you?

[allilyn11]

Well, other people's kids annoy me more than my own do. I have less patience with other people's kids.

[Dodo]

Britishmum, I don't think that I've ever seen a kid willingly share a truck.

[Willowrose]

You already know what you said was wrong, so we'll leave it at that. I can very much relate to that mothers intuition kicking in and wanting to protect your child.
However, usually I am on the other end.
My son, just turned 4 and has Aspergers Syndrome(on the spectrum of autism). He is highly functioning and very intelligent and most people observing him, might see him as "different" or more "high needs", but otherwise "normal". In terms of sharing, he still does not understand. If he brings a special toy somewhere and does not wish to share it, I don't force the issue.
In our home, when we have a playdate, I try and reinforce sharing, but it is definitely something he has a major issue with.
All that to say, autism and other spectrum disorders are not visibly apparent.
Try and remember next time that while every mother *hopefully* tries to instill the right values into her child, they can not always be accountable for every word or action that comes from their mouths.
The bottom line is children are children. They just don't have the maturity of an adult. Their minds don't function like we tend to think they should. They are learning and growing every day. Some kids just need more time to develop.

Also, I just want to point this out....look how easy it was for you, a grown woman, to feel defensive and react the way you did.
That child probably felt the same way. Your daughter was, in his eyes, invading his personal belongings. He acted out defensively. Just as you did.

[dziejen]

I guess it goes back to the old saying "Two wrongs don't make a right". I can completely understand your frustration and I have definitely been there. Sometimes other kids can completely make you crazy, especially if they are not treating your child well, but shaming a child because he wears diapers is almost cruel and, in this situation, irrelevant really. Sharing is a hard concept -- I think I may get more upset than dd sometimes -- but it is also not required for a child to share personal toys unless his mom/dad suggests it and offers to share with your child. I do give you a lot of credit for posting and we all have bad days, admitting it takes a strong person. Tomorrow will be a better day.

[Foobar]

No flames,

We all have bad days. I can see how your mamma wolf came out.

I would have just redirected my DD away and if she got sad about the toys, I would explain that some times she doesn't want to share so we have to accept that sometimes other kids don't want to share with us.... (I have had to do this before)

Oh and to the boy's comment that she is just a baby, well, she is 1/4 his age! How would you feel about someone 1/4 your age touching your things?

[USAmma]

I'm not going to flame you but I'll tell you things from my point of view. Please don't take this wrong.

That might have been my dd. She is getting a lot better, but she is a bit behind emotionally and tries hard. On her off days she might have said something like that. She has nothing against babies but pick another subject and she might have expressed herself like that. I'm teaching her to use her words, not her body, and although it is sometimes ugly at least she's not pushing or hitting anymore.

You may not know what this boy's issues were. Maybe he was really tired and should have been napping but mom wanted some social time. Maybe he was hungry. Maybe a baby destroyed a toy of his recently and he doesn't know the difference btwn breakable and unbreakable toys.

If someone had said that to my dd it would have absolutely destroyed her inside b/c she tries hard and is very sensitive, even though sometimes her outward behavior is ugly.

The fact that he was still in diapers at age 4 may have indicated that he had some issues. Maybe, maybe not, hard to tell.

Did you give his mom a chance to step in and talk to him? If his mom was just chatting and not paying attention I might have done what you did at first by insisting that he share, but after he went off like that I probably just would have taken my dd and gone somewhere else.

----
ETA: I was a lot more intolerant of other children's behavior when I just had Abi and she had not hit the late toddler/preschool years yet. I used to judge kids and blame the parents for not bringing them up right. Well that went and bit me back! My dd is very spirited and outspoken and assertive. She does things that make me : in public but I have to remember she's her own person. All I can do is guide her the best I can and hang on for the ride! When your dd is 4 you may look back on this and realize that the child was not that abnormal with his behavior. 4 year olds who are having a bad day . . . well let's just say it can get very, very ugly.

[moma justice]

yes it was the wrong way to do it...
and my major concern is that the boy might be a high functioning autistic or other that would make him so unable to be polite and/or still be in diapers

that would make me feel real bad

but just to clarify, he had about 25 toys with him (i am not kidding his mom carried over 3 big mop pails of toys, trucks, shovels, guys, all sorts of stuff)
so it was not like my dd was going for the one lovey or prized truck.

and she did not even touch his stuff with out asking, he just heard her ask and freaked out, and when he freaked out, he did so with this tone of hatred, that just cut righ through as i watched dd's reaction....it was so sad!

the mom did not hear him OR me because she was way over onthe other side of the playground talking to another mom while her 4.5 year old was playing and her new born was in a bucket car seat on the gound in the sun....so she was not so tuned in...
and yes, i would not have said it quite like that if she had been able to hear me, so i did take advantage of that, not on purpose but i had watched her walk away before dd even came near his stuff...so i did know she was gone...

and i guess a big part of my fustration was that i have just moved into a VERY wealthy neighborhood, (we rent a basement apt....)

and i am just sick of these crappy moms
these are the moms who keep their babies in bucket seat all day long, dont' breast feed, have scheduled c sections just b/c, spank, and are obsessed with their kids wearing the most expensive kids clothes ever....

and these crappy moms have crappy kids.

period

so if you are saying things like, if this were my kid etc.....
i will just tell you that this is not your kid, this kid would never be your kid, if it were, you would not be here on MDC thinking about being a good mom.

and IMO, it is a bad sign if your 4.5 year old is still in diapers, every thing i have read about EC shows me that is just not normal or ok.

so thanks for everyone being so polite, i still am kind of shocked at myself for saying it, that is so unlike me to be that way with children...i have been a nanny, teacher, and have a lot of exp with special needs kids.

but i guess my whole take on things has changed now that i am a mom.
and she does not have the ability to stand up for herself...she is only 1.5 years old.

and to make it worse, yesterday, she tried to hug a frined's son (who is 3.5) and he pushed her down
it broke her heart.

so that is my whole story (that and i am PMSing)

thanks again for the gentle support and advice....i needed some feedback!

[moma justice]

and i guess that i want to add, that i have been in this position before, i do just redirect and exlain to my dd that the other child is just not wanting to share...
but this situation is different in that that boy just seemed so angry and mean and hateful (for lack of a better word...) and spoiled...i know looks are not always what they seem. and if he really was any of those things, it is not his fault.
so ok i am really done now.

[shelbean91]

Originally Posted by moma justice

yes it was the wrong way to do it...
and my major concern is that the boy might be a high functioning autistic or other that would make him so unable to be polite and/or still be in diapers

and IMO, it is a bad sign if your 4.5 year old is still in diapers, every thing i have read about EC shows me that is just not normal or ok.

Yes, for a typically developing child, 4.5 is a bit old to be in dipes, but for an autistic child, I'm learning this could be very normal. My ds1 was recently dx w/autism and within the last week learned it could be 7 or 8 before he potty trains. Also, my ds you can't tell he's got any issues except for the fact that he currently doesn't use language at all- he's 3- doesn't even say mama. I have no idea where he will be when he is 4.5.

So, yes, I hear your frustration- and understand the pms'ing. Not flaming, just something to consider. And I hear you with knowing that wouldn't be anyone here b/c people are here to learn to do right by their kids- it sounds like you've had lots of run ins with many detached mamas lately. That's rough. I hope it all goes better next time.