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Instant Family

post #1 of 11
12/28/01 at 11:31am
Thread Starter 
My 4 year old dd's Father has been out of our direct lives for 3 years now. ( He lives in another country/ we are not/never were married)

Now he has come to see our daughter. He is staying at our house and I'm concerned about how this temporary change will affect my daughter. He will be staying with us for a month and then we will all be traveling together to his country to visit his familiy. We are not romatically involved.

So far so good. DD and her dad seem to get along fine. He is great with her and she seemes unphased by his showing up. They have maintained in contact via letters, calls, pictures and videos.

I think I'm haveing a harder time with what feels like a sudden invasion into the routine I have created for my dd and myself. Part of me feels resentful for him being able to just show up after such a long absence and then be able to leave like nothing ( he does not pay child support and because he lives in another country its hard to collect)

Any words of wisdom??
thanks and peace
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post #2 of 11
1/14/02 at 6:55pm
Hi Mami Mala,
I have been off the boards for a while or I would've responded sooner. I cannot relate to your situatuon (my dd's father likes to pretend she doesn't exist, which baffles me!) But I can imagine how I would feel having my space suddenly invaded. I just want to encourage you to be patient and remember that you are putting up with this FOR HER. My own father did not visit or even call and it took years for me to realize it wasn't because there was something wrong with me. Having her father come to see her will (hopefully) have a very good impact on her.
It's been a while since you posted this- how has it been?
I wish you and your dd the best.
Hope I helped.
M
post #3 of 11
1/15/02 at 4:39am
Thread Starter 

It has been terrible

My sincere thanks to those who have responded and to those that for lack or words or whatever , haven't.

It's been over 2 weeks since dd's dad has been here. I have had to watch him walk away from her as she cries after falling and I have watched him outright ignore her. I have fought over sexual advances and have had dd's father threaten me with taking her away and have had him try and turn my family against me and the way I have been raising my child. Last nite I decided enoough was enough, that he was not here for legitimate reasons, was doing more harm then good to dd, and I asked him to please leave.

At first I felt I may have been overreacting but then I thought what if dd were older, would I want her to go through this? What advice would I tell a friend? What example, as a woman and mother do i want to give? I grew up with a father that chose another woman over his wife and children. But fatherhood is more then a signature on a paper or even a check in the mail ( of which dd has neither).

Peace and blessings
post #4 of 11
1/16/02 at 4:20pm
Oh Mami Mala I am so sorry to hear that! What a jerk he is! I think you did the right thing. Sometimes "no dad" is much better. I really don't undertand men like that. It's like they are missing something in their genetic make up or something.
I cannot imagine him walking away from her or ignoring her. Poor sweetie.
I really hope things get better quickly and he goes quietly.
Hugs,
M
post #5 of 11
3/7/02 at 1:45am
Hi, I just noticed your post. I hope you have recovered. My situation is different, of course, but I can imagine how you're feeling. It sounds like you gave it your best and you know, your daughter will somehow benefit from this. For one, to give her memories of her father, either good or bad, at least she will have something. And possibly later on, a better understanding of why he is not more a part of her life. Did you end up going w/ him back to his country?? Wishing you luck and peace of heart...
post #6 of 11
3/7/02 at 1:18pm
Thread Starter 

No way

Hola,

Thanks for the kind words.

No way did I end up going back with him. A few days before she left he "lost" her birth certificate ( I believe he stole it because he had threatened to take her back with him before)

I am apprehensive about going with dd to his country until I am sure that he hasn't done anything funky regarding her status. I still do want to take her because that is part of her culture/roots and it is important she be in tough with that.

MM
post #7 of 11
3/8/02 at 7:00pm
Wow! That sounds really intense! I cannot imagine your situation, but I wanted to offer some words of encouragement. You are a good mom, taking care of you DD first. I have cpmplete trust that you will make the best decisions for your family. I would be extremely wary of taking your DD out of the country with her "missing" birth certificate. Have you filed for her exclusive custody with your state?

My DD's father has recently entered into our lives, too, although he remains several hours away, thankfully. He only started sending child support this month, so we'll see where this goes... Luckily for us, his name is not on her birth certificate. I'm nervous about that aspect of your tale.

Sounds like thig guy has some serious ulterir motives for returning.

Good luck and keep us updated!
post #8 of 11
3/9/02 at 2:15pm
Thread Starter 

Thankfully

Hola hola..its hard but hey..

Custody isn't an issue for me since dd's papi was never put on the birth certificate anyway ( he wasn't here for the birth so he couldn't sign the bc so no father!)

My concern was more along the lines that he might forge the original in his country. Blech. Anyways. I already have a new certificate and I haven't heard from dd's dad since he left here over a month ago

I know I;m a good Mami..Just seeing dd proves that.

Peace and luck to all
MM
post #9 of 11
3/14/02 at 2:58am
Oh, man! I got pricklies on my neck when I read this thread. Don't go over there ever!!! If he wants to be a part of your dd's life then he will move here. If he has threatened to take your dd and since the birth cert "disappeared," I would NEVER let him be alone with her EVER!!! I would check out the laws in that country before ever going there with her. I have heard so many bad stories like this.

If you want and think it is beneficial, you can allow supervised visitation, but make him act like a man and find his own place to stay! I tried to enable ds's dad and support him to provide the relationship, and now I regret not saying, "if you want to see him, be a man and make the effort on your own." I am so through with having to help a man be a man.

I hope that you find something that works for you!
post #10 of 11
3/14/02 at 12:46pm
Quote:
Originally posted by laralou
"if you want to see him, be a man and make the effort on your own." I am so through with having to help a man be a man.
[/B]
AMEN Laralou!!!!!!
post #11 of 11
3/19/02 at 12:54am
Before you take DD to her father's country to visit her family (which is a good thing of itself), check into the laws of that country, and treaties between the US and there. Many countries have treaties which deal with how to handle international custody issues. If it's favorable to your rights not being questioned (as is the case in a number of European countries), then go for it.