When your dp works late, what about family dinners?

[USAmma]

My dh usually gets home at around 6:30. He leaves at 6:30 AM so this is a loooong day for me.

I am a big believer in family dinner but it seems impossible to pull off. Nitara goes to bed at 7 PM. By then she's rubbing her eyes and can't stay up any longer. Abi could stay up all night if we let her, but by 6 PM she's getting tired and grumpy. Evenings are usually chaotic with power struggles between dh and Abi, both of whom are overly tired. Dinner is a disaster with her not wanting to sit at the table at all, or if she does she yells or bangs her spoon on her plate on purpose. There's no way dh and I have any kind of decent conversation.

My solution has been to sit down to dinner with them before dh gets home, at around 5 PM. It goes well. Abi is a little bit fresher at that time, and she also listens to me way better than dh (a topic for another thread). I'm just so bummed that we don't get to sit down with all of us present at the table. It's very lonely for me and I miss dh, and he doesn't get to talk to Abi about her day.

Maybe I just have this Cleaver Family idealistic vision in my head that is not reality. I would love it if we could all sit down to dinner daily and eat and talk. But between him getting home late, power struggles, and the like, it's just not happening.

Are there any other SAHM's with the same issue? Do you have any suggestions, or should I just give up on the family dinner idea? How do you cope with such a long day and missing your dh?

[MamaMonica]

When dh works late I usually save some for him in the fridge- but the kids and I need to eat a reasonable time so we do. I really hate missing a family dinner- but what can you do?

[The Lucky One]

What's a family dinner? LOL.

No, really, dh is a physician and is home for dinner about 1-2 times a MONTH through the week. He also is on call every 3rd weekend.

We always have our dinner around 5pm regardless of whether or not dh is here. My kids go to bed early (between 7-8) and if we waited till dh got home to have dinner they would be mighty cranky!

I think family dinner time can be special, even if it's just the kids and mom.

[Bleu]

Mr. Bleu works a similar schedule, so we sleep late, nap long, and eat whenever he gets home. Not unusual for dinner to finally be on the table at 9:00 or so.

[isosmom]

Originally Posted by The Lucky One

We always have our dinner around 5pm regardless of whether or not dh is here. My kids go to bed early (between 7-8) and if we waited till dh got home to have dinner they would be mighty cranky!

I think family dinner time can be special, even if it's just the kids and mom.

I agree. I'm not a sahm, but dh goes to school when I'm off work and I've got dc to myself for the night. It took me a while to get into the groove of appreciating dinner with just dc, but now that I do it on a regular basis, I'm happy I make the effort. Otherwise, there would be no family dinner at all.

[cjr]

Dh is usually home by 6pm so that's not too bad. Ds has to eat around 5pm, but he sits and has some snack with the family in his chair. However, dh is gone out of town ALOT. Last week it was San Antonio for 5 days, then last night he informed me that he was leaving for Mexico this morning and will be back tomorrow night. When he's gone supper are super easy. When the kids are hungry I feed them. I don't usually sit down for a meal with them by myself because there's usually about 3 hours of "tidying" up in the evening when it's just me and my 3 little angels. I do talk with them while I'm doing my chores.

I don't think family dinner time 7 days a week is nessesary if it's going to throw the kids off kilter. Could you have a designated family dinner when dh is off work? Something the kids could look forward to and maybe even help prepare. Even if it's just once a week it may be enough.

[chalupamom]

Originally Posted by cjr

I don't think family dinner time 7 days a week is nessesary if it's going to throw the kids off kilter. Could you have a designated family dinner when dh is off work? Something the kids could look forward to and maybe even help prepare. Even if it's just once a week it may be enough.

This sounds good to me.

My husband isn't late as much as he was this time last year. Now, if he's not TAing or in the middle of a lab thing he's usually home by six. Our daughter isn't the most pleasant person at that time, but she's o.k. and we make it through. For a while she was going down around 6:30, which was awkward - right in the middle of dinner.

Anyway, when he was late a lot - getting home at 8 or later several times a week - we punted and went to the "Sunday dinner" model. Weekday dinners became much less elaborate then they had been but on Sundays we pulled out all the stops - candles, cloth napkins, serving bowls instead of pots, etc. That was a nice routine and kept us in touch with the idea of eating together. We were also more time flexible so I could get dinner on the table earlier. Once my husband's schedule returned to "normal" we went back to family dinners most nights. It also helped my husband feel he wasn't missing too much because we had this very nice meal to look forward to all week.

I also started making Saturday breakfast - pancakes, waffles, omelets, fruit salad, muffins, etc. - to start off the weekend in a family kind of place. Sitting down together Saturday morning was a really nice way to get in a family groove after the busy week.

Ironic, though, that I"m answering this today. He'll be leaving for the lab early and getting home well after dinner. Tonight the kids and I are having orzo with peas and ricotta - a dish I'd never serve if it was all of us - and apple crisp for dessert. A comfort meal for what promises to be a very long day.

[Amys1st]

DH works MWF from 8-7pm and T,Thrs 8-2pm. Also 1-2 weekend days a month. We usually eat when he gets home on the late days. DD is a late person so its never been an issue. Sometimes if she is getting cranky I will feed her earlier and then she will sit with us for a few minutes while eating. But we have always sat down to a dinner 7 days a week so its a priority.

but if he has a partner meeting that night or teaching a seminar like next week, we will meet him for lunch so we all eat together. It helps he is 20 minutes away though.

One thing I do with my moms group is HOOTOWLS (husband out of town or working late)
If dh is going to be gone, I will send out an email to the group seeing if anyone else is dh less. We then do a late afternoon playdate or meet somewhere fun and do an early dinner that way. That might help out to have another mom in the same situation.

[MamaFae]

Since my DH works field service I never know when he will or won't be home. We have dinner at 5:30 no matter what. It is essential to the kids that the routine stay the same. For us Dinner is the beginning of our bedtime routine and if that doesn't go as planned we end up with long nights.

That said what we do, do is make sure that at least one night on the weekends we sit down to an "old fashioned" family dinner. Even if it is ordered in pizza, we all sit at the table together and the TV goes off and we enjoy each other. I think of it as our time to reconnect as a family unit.

Perhaps you could do that on your DH's day off?

Blessings,
N~

[Cranberry]

Originally Posted by The Lucky One

What's a family dinner? LOL.

We sometimes eat together as a family, but other times DS and I eat together before DH gets home if he's going to be later than usual.

[btlsmum]

My DH usually gets home just as dinner is about to hit the table. On the nights he works later I just sit down with the kids while they eat and then DH and I eat together after they go to bed or, I'll eat with the kids and he eats when he gets home.

The kids really can't handle a huge disruption in their schedule and they are pretty hungry by dinnertime.

[LisainCalifornia]

I also eat with the kids every week night from 5-6:00 (the typical start time being 5:30). My husband has an extremely high powered career (he is in the high tech industry) and is never home before 8:00. He usually gets home around 8:20, and we put the kids down to bed at 8:30. He leaves before we get up for school in the morning---so it is a long day for him as well as for me.

I use to totally stress over the whole "family dinner" concept, and then I realized that this is what society tells us we must have in order to be a close-knit family. Then I realized we were already a very close knit family without the weeknight family dinners--as a matter of fact, I think we are one of the closest families I know! We don't have to do the family dinner on week nights, because we have many other traditions to make up for it.

I grew up having a family dinner each night, and it is actually one of the worst memories of my childhood. I was always starving by dinner because my mom worked and got home tired and VERY grouchy from work. She would sit and read the newspaper for a few hours before starting dinner--which was always pretty late. I would help her as much as I could (setting the table, making the salad, doing dishes after) but it was never enough and put me right in the line of fire for her foul moods. We often did not eat till 7:45, and I remember having headaches from being so hungry. By the time we finally all sat down I had a knot in my stomach from the tension, and dinner was no picnic either!

The family I have built with my husband is nothing like that. We have very little tension, and no one is running around grouchy every night. If we did eat together it would be wonderful, but it is wonderful all the same the way it is now. I put dh's dinner in the fridge on a plate each night after we eat for him to heat up later.

My kids know they can count on dinner on time each night--they love the predictability of it. My husband don't go out on many "alone" dates--instead we take the kids out to dinner with us to our favorite restaurants every Saturday night (Itallian, Japanese, Thai, Chinese) my kids eat it all. We enjoy this family ritual--because it is our tradition and it works for our family. We have an at home sit down dinner together on Sunday night.

Make your own traditions independent of what society dictates and do what works for your family, Darshani.
hugs,
Lisa

[momto l&a]

When dh works days we have dinner together. Leaves for work at 5 and doesnt get home on a good day till 6:15 most times though its 7. After we have dinner the girls take a bath and go to bed while dh and i clean up the kitchen and get things ready for the next day.

If dh calls and says he'll be late I give the girls a little snack, if he going to be very late well eat without him.

My middle dd likes to bang and scrape her silverware but with a bit of work she no longer does.
I love family dinners. I have very fond memories as a child. One a week we had a special dinner where we ate by candle light and proper manners, silverware ect. Was so much fun

[PadmaMorgana]

I think that letting go of the stereotypical "family" ideals is what helped me. When I was a kid, my dad worked 730am-430pm. He was always home for dinner, we always ate as a family and my mom made productions of dinner.

Enter the reality that is my life Things have to change to work more with your family, kwim?

DH usually gets home between 545pm and 6pm (unless I have the car and have to pick him up, then he/we get home at 515pm :LOL ). Dinner is at 6pm. Or close. If DH is running late and calls, I hold dinner until he gets home, usually no later than 615pm. If he doesn't call, and is later than 6, the kids and I eat and I contemplate feeding his dinner to the dog (because he just 'forgets' to call me).

This works for us. If he worked later, the kids and I would have to eat before he got home. For some strange reason my kids need a meal at certain times, not just a large snack. Then on the weekend we would make a commitment to eat together. But in the evenings after DH ate, we would do the family thing. Baths, playing, stories...etc. What ever works out so that we spend time, even a bit of time, connecting. Plus if DH is in charge of baths and jammies, I get to pee by myself for once.

Oh....and dinners are SO not a production in my house. I don't even own serving bowls, let alone ones that match my dishes. We serve out of pots. And if it takes longer than 30 mins to prepare, I don't make it during the week. I love my crockpot

[Kaitnbugsmom]

Both C & T work second shift. Right now this is a non issue, but if/when we get our house {hopefully the guy my friend has rented from for so long will allow us to take over her place now that she's bought one, should find out today} I don't know how we'll handle it. Probably won't be a big deal, since we'll have breakfast and lunch as a family most days, and dinner as well on the nights the guys are off. One of the bonuses to having made the choice to continue to co-parent with C I guess. When the plant C works in shuts down, he'll be on unemployment for awhile {has to stay on it to keep me on insurance til Em's born, if the plant closes when they think it will} and will be home every night. Hopefully, both guys will be getting first shift jobs at some point this year so we can have a more 'normal' family life, by society's loosest standards anyways...

[mamalisa]

If he's just coming home late, we wait. We plan a big lunch or a late snack on those nights. Ds has a later bedtime than most kids (between 9 and 11) so a later dinner doesn't interfer with much. Dh usually doesn't get home until 6 or 6:30 anyway. If he's out of town (usually one night a week, but every few months a whole week) we usually go out to lunch or have a big lunch at home and just have a bigger snack before bed. Dh gets annoyed if he's too late and we wait, he thinks it's silly. I like to wait for him though

[Bearsmama]

USAmma-I am a big believer in the family dinner, too, and how important it is. That said, however, DH doesn't get home until 7pm. So, most nights during the week we don't end up having a family dinner together. I usually will eat something with the kids sometime between 5:30-6:15. Even if it's just a yogurt or something to hold me over until dinner with DH. Some nights I do eat my main meal with the kids, but not always.

I really do think having dinner together as a family is SUPER important (I think there have beeb studies done on how it impacts family life and a feeling of inter-connection/togetherness). So, we try to eat together as MUCH as possible. Every night on the weekends, of course, and any other time that DH gets home early.

My dream is for DH to have a job that gets him home by 6pm. It would make a BIG difference in our lives.

[my2girlsmama]

Yes I have this issue and battle with it daily. My Dh is a 12-hour shiftworker. Basically we don't have together dinners more than a few times a week.

On days where I am tired or run down, we just eat where we are.............dd can sit at table, couch, in her room reading.....I don't promote this but with a one year old underfoot as well, sometime you do what you have to do to survive. :

When I get it right, we, me and the girls, sit down together to eat our meal. My latest fight is to shut TV when we do so. I do try and am working on it daily. I want the one year old to grasp that dinners are sitting down...and she is.

When Dh is home, he knows I expect the sit downs, so he does oblige though I know we are an all over the place family...never hungry at the same time! But I do try my best daily............

My focus is the foods eaten really............if I can get a vegetable into my 5 yr old my day is set! :LOL

[rainbowmoon]

what about having a family breakfast instead? my DH has decided to skip dinner most nights (even when he's home) and eat his big meal midday (he's lost 3olbs recently and wants to lose more ) but he too also works late as well. he could get home anywhere from 5-9pm but also may have to go back to finish paperwork for another 1/2 hr. we have started having breakfast together which works great we also meet for lunch once a week at least or he will come home for an hour during the day if he can.

[USAmma]

Thanks for all your suggestions, and sharing your stories as well. I guess it's pretty typical these days for our husbands/partners to get home late. I will just continue to have family dinner without him on weekdays and we can maybe focus on weekends, instead. I am fortunate that Nitara goes to sleep at 7 PM now, and Abi is a night owl, but maybe I can set her up with a movie or something while dh and I talk over his dinner.