Do you ever feel that you *must* be a SAHM?

[Mommy StormRaven]

I dont' mean that in a good way.

Lately I have been very frustrated - ok, not just lately - about being a SAHM. I dont' feel that I have a choice in the matter and I'm realizing that I really resent it.

I used to take joy in my DD's but now I dont' anymore. I long for DH to walk in the door at night jsut so I can have a break from them. I'm home ALl of the imte and I am barely - if ever - away from them at all.

Lili is 4 and Morrigan is 20 months, they are beautiful wonderful kids but I am feelign resentful and I'm not really sure why.

I'm never ever anywhere without them it seems. They are in my space 24/7. I can't even have alone time with DH without beign interrupted by them.

Bottom line is that I've begun to think of them as a JOB and not a JOY and I dont' know how not to.

Help please....

[Greaseball]

I totally get it!

I don't always enjoy what I do. I miss my job and think about how I'm probably never going to be able to go back to it after my huge gap in employment. I'm jealous of dh who gets to spend his day with other adults and gets bathroom breaks and lunch breaks and if his students act up, he can just make them leave the room!

Sometimes I really have fun being a SAHM...and sometimes I only do it because I know it's the right thing to do.

Trust me, if I thought my kids would be better off without a mom at home, I would be out of here so fast! :LOL

[chalupamom]

Originally Posted by Mommy StormRaven

Bottom line is that I've begun to think of them as a JOB and not a JOY and I dont' know how not to.

Help please....

Would you be able to take a class or something in the evenings, say one day a week? Many community centers, public school systems or even retail stores (like Michaels) offer all kinds of classes that are inexpensive and don't require a long-term commitment. They could probably be fit around a nursing and bedtime schedule, if those are issues for you. Maybe your library even has a book club - or you could start one for the scores (if not hundreds) of other moms near you who feel similarly!

Other than that, I think you need to be frank with your husband. Just knowing that he's sensitive to your feelings and supportive of your desires - even if they're not actionable right now - could go a long way to helping you through this time.

Good luck - let us know what happens for you!

[AJP]

It sounds to me like you need to figure out a way to get some time to yourself, even if it's only for an hour or two at a time. I'm fortunate that my hubby's workshop is at home but not *in* the house, and when I'm feeling really frazzled I can often just send our son up the hill to the shop and he can be with daddy for a little while while I either just revel in a quiet house and no one asking me a question or wanting something from me, or go shopping alone (which I actually find somewhat pleasant, since I can concentrate on what I'm doing, maybe stop at a coffee shop or have lunch by myself), or some other mundane thing. Without any time to myself, I'd be a basket case. I realize few other people are in my exact situation, but perhaps you could arrange some kind of care for the kids once a week, or even just occasionally, so you can recharge. Even short amounts of time make a big difference for me. And no, I don't feel like I MUST be a SAHM, if it was making me miserable, was unfulfilling, or I thought I'd be a better mom if I had more of a life separate from home, then I would figure out something that would be better for the whole family than a bitter, frustrated mom feeling trapped. Whether that meant a job, or school, or volunteering, or whatnot would depend on the financial situation.

Our society is not set up to support the well-being of SAHPs, for the most part it seems the prevailing attitude is that we're on our own and shouldn't expect help. That goes against human nature, IMO, and is probably part of why the SAHM/WOHM thing is such a hot button and stirs up so much defensiveness.

If your husband can't or won't help with this, reach out to other parents or relatives. Do you have any friends who you could trade babysitting with? You might be surprised how much difference small amounts of time to yourself can make. If you feel like you're losing yourself, I think that's a signal that things need to be tweaked, mothering should not be such a lonely, isolating situation.

[OTMomma]

I know how you feel. I'm dealing with some of that right now. My dd is a really high strung little girl who I don't think could cope with day care, she gets all freaked out when we stay at a mom's group meeting for too long. I feel like the detriment to her of being put in daycare makes it so I don't have a choice about going back to work or anything else. However, today I spoke to my dh about how bad I've been feeling lately and he was really helpful. He said that his work wants him to work an altered work schedule of Tuesday to Saturday for the next few months and that we can find something for me to do those Mondays and hopefully if it goes well we can talk about if dd could handle some form of day care one day a week. I could volunteer or work or just go have some time for me. I really think that might help me. I need more than to just be a wife and mother, I need to be me also.

Peace,
Laura

[captain crunchy]

I'm home ALl of the imte and I am barely - if ever - away from them at all.

I think like anything really, it is all about balance. you seem to value and want to be a SAHM in theory, yet it sounds to me like that has become WHO you are....and you are not too pleased with that...who would be?? I mean, yes, my daughter will come first, yes, I plan on devoting my life to her care (in terms of being a SAHM) but you must have other interests. YOU MUST!! That doesn't have to mean dropping your child off for hours and hours to scream with a stranger while you go party...
Again, it is about balance.

Is there a way you could get involved with something that you truly enjoy...even a couple of times a week? An art class, a craft class, a cooking class, a yoga class, even a parent/play group where the kids could play and you and other moms/parents can talk/share/laugh/have coffee/bitch ( :LOL ) ...you know what I mean!

I think the above quote is probably 90% of your problem, really. I think that a lot of SAHMs get into that rut where they isolate themselves and lose all interest in other things (however unintentionally) and it takes effort to get that back again....

I would suggest talking to your husband about it too...even if there is no possible way at all to get away during the day, even for a couple of hours a couple of days a week (but there probably is)...I would have a serious, calm talk with him about you pursuing something a couple of evenings a week...

There has to be a way that you can be the SAHM you want to be while still being the woman and person you deserve to be too---you don't have to sacrifice your kids for that!! We are talking a couple of hours a week, a couple of days a week...I truly think it would do you wonders and that no one would *suffer*...

Take care and good luck!!

[musingmama]

I totally have felt that way, too.- esp. when my ds was really little... they are just so time consuming, and you always have to be attentive to them, to what might happen, always thinking a few steps a head, this can be really exhausting.
there is a lot of joy in being a SAHP but also frustration, exhaustion, and very easy to get burnt out.
I totally have that feeling sometimes where I am jsut waiting til DH walks in the door so I can go and have a few minutes to myself to take a breath and not be responsible for someone else.
I love my ds sooo much and really enjoy my time with him, but I barely get any time for myself, he is up til midnight with me, we cosleep and he still is nursing several times at night, then we wake up together and so it goes ....
the way i deal is what other pps suggested- somehow get some time to yourself, even an hour a few times a week does a lot...
on weekends, dh will take ds somewhere and I will garden or just sit and listen to silence :LOL , or work on some artwork, or read, etc
and shopping alone does wonders for me too (even tho that sounds kinda silly) but jsut getting some coffee and taking my time and getting everything we need at a normal pace instead of keeping an eye on a toddler!
something that works for us too, is to plan a time when you and a friedn can go out to lunch while dads take care of the kids
and sometimes(well most of the time :LOL ) I just need to say SCREW THE CLEANING AND DISHES!
and on rare occaisons i get to manage to see a movie in a theater by myself- I LOVE THAT! no one asking me for something, no one pullling up my shirt to nurse, I can turn my brain off for a little while!

you're not alone mama! you can get through it!

[Mommy StormRaven]

Part of this is a new development. I've been in school since september of 2004 and recently had to drop my classes due to financial concerns. Those classes had me out fo the house 4 nights a week and all day saturday. I had "my time" and I was feelign much better about hings when I had that. Now I feel that I've had everythign taken from me since I cannot even get out fo the house (no extra car and I dont' drive). WE jsut moved inot the house we live in and dont' really know any of our neighbors either - it is a very small town so none of my friends and/or family live close to us really to trade babysittign services.

I'm HOPING to go back to school in the fall at night but until then I just am really hoping to find a day job since DH will be off for the summer (he is a teacher) so he can get a glimpse of what my life is like all the time.

Any additional suggestions are VERY welcome.....

Thanks to all

[the_lissa]

I totally understand., PM me if you ever want to talk.

[my2girlsmama]

Yup. Totally hear you. I've also been struggling with this...like i have lost a part of my identity being home for over 6 years now. I have days where I want to scream and run away............then days where I just enjoy them so much I cry.

What I did was force myself to leave them, and I do, when my Dh isn't on shifts. It is hard because he does 12 hour shifts and has begun taking overtime ones too so I am at times losing my mind literally.

I am lucky to have family near me, mom, dad and sister...who picth in and help when they're not at work. So I do get breaks (like today when my mom came and watched 1 yr old while 5 yr old was in school so I could take a hot bath!-she vacuumed too!) here and there but I make certain I do, throughout the week. Even if it is just going back to bed on a morning where DH is home....he automatically gets up with them and lets me grab another 2-3 hours.....or I go out, even just to drive to get a coffee.......run errands.....I've slowly started selling on EBay to feel like I am doing something more money-wise (issue for me) and have just tried to get to know ME again......forging thoughts of future goals etc.......

I try to connect with friends, usually just on phone, or email. That helps...I get on the computer often during the day..........

And most of all I remind myself they won't stay this precious and little for long........nor will they need me as much. That brings me back to reality, and sanity, no matter how bad a day I've had, and I have MANY! :

Browse a bookstore with a fave coffee/tea.............
Buy a fave magazine and read when you can..............
Splurge on a fave food.......
Read community college or university programs and see if one intrigues you...........
Get out! Go for a drive! Make Dh stay with kids at least 1-2 times a week and carve that out as YOUR ALONE TIME! Remind him you cannot function being around the kids 24/7...and if he doesn't get it, just leave him with them for a few hours and he'll get it fast.
Phone a friend............email one.
Attend an LLL group meeting, or similar.........
Hang out at a lcoal mall........
Get to the library and just read quietly alone............
Grab a pedicure etc at local salon.....go for a massage at a local massage school (cheaper!!)...........

Good luck!

[Mommy StormRaven]

Originally Posted by my2girlsmama

go for a massage at a local massage school (cheaper!!)...........

Good luck!

With some of that good luck I'll be back in school come September - it's Massage School even so I get all teh free Massages I want!

I'm jsut losing it now - with luck the interview I went on today will come thru... and DH will be home for the summer starting the first of June so that helps too - then I'll get out!

[musingmama]

I know it can be hard to keep things in perspective, when everything seems very immediate with kids around.
I have similar issues. I am an artist and weaver who thought I would be able to continue running my business- making and selling handwoven scarves, bags, etc. as well as my artwork while being a SAHM--- WELL! its very hard, and the short time I tried to make it work again while ds was between 5-10 months was very frustrating cause i just didnt have the time I needed to continue making stuff and even when I did Iwas just too exhausted to be able to be inspired, and then I wasn't able to keep up with the attendence requirements where I sold my stuff..... so I made the decision to put that on hold until he got a little older and more self sufficient. Now,that he is turning two, it is easier, and I am gradually getting some time and more importantly, being in a better frame of mind to be creative and have a fresh vision within grasp....
So , I am taking little steps. Working on a new painting. Thinking about new ideas for the future while all the nursings, putting some stuff down in sketchbooks. It helps to just do something, even if it isnt the big step you are dreaming about... you can get there by just taking the first step...
Some days I still get frstrated of course! During his naps, I try and have a little creative time, and sometims he has a knack for needing a nursing while I am at a pivotal point with a painting or working on the loom, and then after laying down with him, I lose my train of thought and then often am blocked for days!
I am trying to decide whether to go back to having a spot selling my stuff at the pike place market next year or the year after.... trying to weigh it all out. I don't know if I can find enough time and money to invest into it yet.... and I don't want to start it up again only to have to stop again b/c its not working....
I am like you, its just me and DH to care for our ds, all of our family is 3000 miles away, so I dont have anyone here to help out. This makes things difficult. But I try and remember that I decided to have my wonderful little man when I did and I chose to stay at home, and it will be done some day and he'll be embarrassed by me before I know it and want me to do my own thing as much I want that too, and that now really is a special time that I am happy to share with him. And also that it isnt his fault that I do not have the family and friend support system that people often had near them more commonly in the past. That helps me not direct my frustration towards him and see what small steps I can take to keep my own plans and vision for myself alive and growing.
wow- that was a long ramble! I guess I really needed to talk about this kinda thing too!
I think its important for SAHPs to decide what they want out of life too and try and work towards their potentials, as that is a great way to teach your kids through example as well as keeping your sanity!!

[annarosa]

looks like you have your plan sorted out - hope it works for you - enjoy the massages !

[USAmma]

Coming in late here, but bedtimes have been a lifesaver for dh and I. We just started to get strict with bedtimes and they are in bed by 8 PM at the lastest. We have to send them back to their beds a few times but we are just very consistent about it and they soon learn to stay. They share a room, and they are allowed to play/read in bed, so it's not like we are sending them to dark lonely rooms.