"Well you can afford to SAH"-how to respond?

[yogabug]

This totally drives me insane when talking about parenting. DH does have a good job but he also supports 2 children from a previous marriage plus our home and DD. People assume that we are so well off because of his job when it is so not true. We made a choice to do this. I know I shouldn't care what other people think but...
One issue I am having a hard time with now is my best friend who just had a baby. She says she can't SAH because they need the money. How can I explain in a nice way that this is not true. She even says that her salary is for extras and so they can have nice things. Is there a good article or something I can send to her? I don't want to come across mean or anything. Please help! I feel so strongly about things but have a hard time articulating to people that don't get it. Thanks.

[OTMomma]

I don't have a great link. For me the information that is compelling to stay home is the AP stuff about how important a good bond is for baby during the first year of life. And how a baby really needs her mom. If your friend plans to breastfeed, you can point out how that's easier when you SAH. To me, making the choice to SAH is about putting my child ahead of our financial situation.
I do a have a few friends I have advocated SAH with, and I do point out things we're doing to save money while I stay home. I point out how there are lots of things we don't need, like eating out often since I have time to cook. I also point out that as a working mom you have the expenses of child care, work clothes, gas to get to work, lunches out, and if I were working I would have to have a cleaning service because I would want to spend my time at home with my child not cleaning. By the time you add up all these expenses, it cheaper to stay home and know my child is being cared for by someone who loves her more than anything. I hope this helps some, I've read a book called "Yes you can afford to stay home with your kids" at least I think that's it, and it had in it the breakdown of all the costs of working, you might be able to find a link for something like that. Good luck.

[my2girlsmama]

Well, I don't have any brilliant links to articles etc but I do have friends who feel like yours.

I simply say for our family this is what works best. I say I didn't plan for a career so that I could stay home and do the career thing when the kids were grown. Then Dh and I would likely switch roles...him at home with at home business and me out at work.

I say we too cannot truly afford *extras* but with some frugality we *can* afford to survive as anyone could. I note that we don't make alot, but to us our children's well being in having one of us home is what we take stock in, and that they are young such a short time a career can always be picked up later or continued. They won't ever be young again, nor will I get the chance to see things that I miss if I work.

I find personally the people in my life make excuses when they say they cannot afford to stay home. I honestly wish my own circle of friends who do quite well even if they only had one income, would just be honest with me and state that they don't like the idea of being home all day with the kids. That I can respect more than making excuses for not doing so.

[PumpkinSeeds]

If someone said that to me I would say:

:LOL :LOL :LOL :LOL :LOL :LOL :LOL :LOL :LOL : : : : : :

[lnitti]

I know this isn't what you were expecting, but I DO wish we could afford for me to be a SAHM, but we can't. We can however afford for DH to be a SAHD. Unfortunately, he has not been happy in that role. We are trying to find ways to reverse our roles hoping we will be happier (and hoping that we can have another baby too!). Even trimming our budget to bare minumun, there is just no way.

If I had know dh wasn't going to be happy at home, I would have never continued my education to get my masters degree (cost us a fortune!)

ETA - We also didn't plan on children for a couple more years either. So we were totally not prepared yet financially.

[SmilingChick]

Originally Posted by my2girlsmama

I find personally the people in my life make excuses when they say they cannot afford to stay home. I honestly wish my own circle of friends who do quite well even if they only had one income, would just be honest with me and state that they don't like the idea of being home all day with the kids. That I can respect more than making excuses for not doing so.

:

I was just talking to a neighbor who has a 14 or 15-month old a few weeks ago. She asked me when i was going back to work, and I said I had no plans to. She told me "That's great. I had to go back; there's no way we'd be able to get this family room addition done if I stayed home."

Not for anything, if a family room comes 1st, you obviously don't want to stay home with your kid anyway!

[frolick16]

I hear this alot also. We live on my dp's income which is not impressive by any means. (He is a natural builder on the east coast) We decided to have me stay home before we had kids. In fact he put me in a situation where I could stay home with the children I had before I met him. We do not have much in the material realm and we rarely do anything that is not free. If we would get into a situation where finances we so tight bills were not getting paid DP would do whatever it took to remedy the sitaution. If this still did not help I would work in the evening while he worked during the day so a parent was always home. In fact dd is now 19 months and I took a part time every other weekend job to help pay for my son to go to a Circle school next year and dp is already asking if I really need to work. Everyone in the relationship has to be truly dedicated to having a sahp to make it work when finances are tight.

[sunnmama]

Originally Posted by yogabug

She says she can't SAH because they need the money. How can I explain in a nice way that this is not true. She even says that her salary is for extras and so they can have nice things.

Does she want to change her mind? I am wondering why you are trying to change her mind? It sounds like she has different priorities than you--that her family will work a bit differently than yours. Why not support her in finding the very best childcare arrangement, or alternative work arrangements that allow her and dh to have the things they want *and* the time with dc?

[FireWithin]

A powerful explanation for me is how little time I would have with my child if I worked, from work, plus all of the household maintence that needs to be done, which would prevent me from spending fun time with DC.

I often point out that after working 45 hrs a week, plus commuting, I then would have to spend my evenings shopping, doing other errands, laundry, cooking cleaning.

I wouldn't have time for fun extras let alone time to sit down and read books for a hour and then play and have DC "help" me do my house stuff in a relaxed manner.

I think when people are considering working they don't necessarily consider all of those extras that would eat up your evening and weekend time with family.

Of course this doesn't address the financial aspect, but it does bring in some ideas that might not be thought about.

[gottaknit]

Originally Posted by sunnmama

Does she want to change her mind? I am wondering why you are trying to change her mind? It sounds like she has different priorities than you--that her family will work a bit differently than yours. Why not support her in finding the very best childcare arrangement, or alternative work arrangements that allow her and dh to have the things they want *and* the time with dc?

:

The SAH life isn't for everyone. It might be best to let it go if you want to maintain this friendship. Sounds like she just doesn't want to stay home.

[NaomiLorelie]

I was also wondering if she truly wants to stay home. Usually I just keep my nose out unless asked for advice. I have a friend who just had a baby. About two weeks before the baby was born she got rid of her perfectly good, payed off 5 year old SUV because it has two doors instead of four. She got another car which came with three hundred dollar a month car payment. Plus her husband has a brand spanking new truck. She was telling me all this over the phone. Two minutes later she's telling me how lucky I am that I can stay home. They can't afford it. I'm just sitting there rolling my eyes thinking about how I wish my husband and I weren't sharing a ten year old Ford Contour but whatever.

[sincitymama]

Honestly? I usually don't bother much. Unless someone seems ot be expressing real regret about not having what they want, in which case I would try to help them see ways around their worries about what it takes to have it. But I think a lot of people may say things like this to avoid a conversation they just don't want ot have. Not becaus ehtey feel guilty or defensive, but just don't want to discuss it! I say htings like 'we even ran the numbers and it turned out we'd lose money if I go back to work'. Stuff like that that shuts people up. There's a lot more to my staying home than tthat, but even around people who are super supportive or whatever sometimes I just want to talk about something different! lol.
Anyway unless it seems like she's looking for your help to find ways to stay home, I'd jsut let it go.

[chalupamom]

Originally Posted by SarahNH

I say htings like 'we even ran the numbers and it turned out we'd lose money if I go back to work'.

<snip>

Anyway unless it seems like she's looking for your help to find ways to stay home, I'd jsut let it go.

I agree with the above. A lot of people aren't big on critical thinking and it's possible that your friend has simply "heard" that a family needs two incomes these days - something that's true for many, but not for others - so perhaps she hasn't "run the numbers" to find out really if it's true for her. Saying something like the above could open the discussion for you to find out if she'd like some help figuring it out or if she's just making conversation.

Other than that, I'd also just let it go. Sometimes people feel the need to talk about ways they're the same as or different from the people they're talking to as a way of filling a perceived conversational void - could be the case here.

[philomom]

If she's really a friend, I would point out all the little "extras" in her life and ask her if giving them up would be a hardship. I work with new moms and you all would be surprised at folks who think life cannot be lived without cable, without Starbuck's latte, without new Dvd's every month. But controlling spending is the ticket to living on one income. Some folks just don't want to face this fact.

[Kleine Hexe]

When someone says that to me I say it's all about sacrifice and priorities.

We're not actually on food stamps because I don't work but we do live paycheck to paycheck. We've given up a lot for me to stay home. I don't want to sacrifice my children.

[yogabug]

Thank you everyone for all of your great replies. I usually do leave these things alone because I don't want to get in an arguement. It just bothers me when people say how lucky I am and that there is no way they could do it. Luck has nothing to do with it. Although I do feel blessed to stay home. I just wish she wouldn't rule out the possibility. If it comes up again I may suggest the running the numbers and then just drop it. Thanks again. I also agree that if people just don't want to stay home they should be honest about it and not make excuses. Thank you again.

[baileyandmikey]

I am a sahm, and let me tell you my dh does NOT bring home very much money. right now we currently live right above the poverty level, we have 2 young children, and we are caring for dh's sister. we are paying on our mortgage and a car, we have just learned how to be frugal . we never buy anything brand new, unless it comes from a yard sale or ebay.

[artgoddess]

When someone says something like that to me, I just smile and say "yes, we're really lucky." then when they aren't looking I roll my eyes. :LOL

I have friends who do this, and they have been to my house, they see that my home is worth maybe HALF of theirs. I drive a Saturn, DP doesn't have his own car, he drives his work van. These friends drive BMW's and mercedes. They take nice vacations, they pay a professional to both landscape and hardscape their back yard and patio area at a cost of more than DP makes in a whole year. They have expensive gym memeberships, plasma screen TV's and don't even get me started on what they pay for thier clothes and the clothes of their kids.

In short it is not worth it to point out the differences to anyone. They don't get it. If they did they wouldn't say things like, "you're so lucky you can afford it to stay home."

Sometimes I think they say crap like that because they are trying to convince themselves it's true. The last thing someone like that wants to hear is how they could make it work too. Then they might have to llok at themselves as a person who values things more than family. This doesn't mean it's true. Some women just really don't want to stay home with their kids, and that's fine. But maybe they feel guilty about it, and so they say they can't afford it instead of admitting the reality.

The friends I have that do get it are usually the ones that don't have kids ironically. They seem to see it more clearly what I am trading off for what is more important to DP and I, staying home with my son.

[laralou]

Originally Posted by Kleine Hexe

When someone says that to me I say it's all about sacrifice and priorities.

:

I can obviously afford to stay home because we aren't starving, but so can most (w/o starving I mean), but not everyone is willing like I am willing to live (I haven't had to make too many sacrifices but I would).

I also think this is an excuse. I say I can't afford to do MDO when my friends suggest it. What I mean is, I have better things to do with my money and just because I would like a break doesn't mean I want to stick my kids in "school" 2-3 days a week like they do. I wish my kids could spend a few hours with grandma each week so I could get some things done in peace.

So maybe what they mean is "I would miss my me time at work or being stimulated intellectually" or "I am unwilling to live without the things I enjoy now to stay at home" or even "it would cause me too many marital problems because dh won't agree to decrease our standard of living". I think they don't necessarily want to give you a dissertation on why they don't stay at home, and "can't afford it" is an easy out excuse.

I think unless you and your children would be homeless and starve without your job, you can technically afford it, but it isn't that simple. A lot of people want a better life than just having a roof and food, and that isn't necessarily wrong. I just think it is sad when a mom who wants to sah can't for whatever reason. I have a friend whose dh is adamant that she should work. She doesn't want to, but she does. Her compromise is that she does nothing after work except spend time with the baby. He has to do all the cleaning and cooking.

My dh wishes I would work, but I am unwilling to do so to support his lifestyle. I told him as long as we have satallite and a motorcycle, I am not working (away from the kids). I do bring in some income though through wah and woh with the kids. I don't always enjoy it, but it lessens his burden.

I would respond exactly how Kleine Hexe suggested. It is all about priorities.

[Mothra]

This is something I have kind of a hard time with.

We CAN afford for me to stay home, and we ARE lucky that I don't have to work. When I do work, I work from home and I pick and choose what projects I work on and how many hours I'm willing to work. Obviously if you are staying home with your kids and you aren't homeless or starving, you can afford it.

For a woman to say that she doesn't WANT to stay home with her kids, she's comitting social suicide. I've never seen women be more ugly to each other than over this issue. I know plenty of women who say that they have to work for financial reasons, but I know they work because they want to. I don't blame them for lying, either.

If you've asked her flat out if she's crunched the numbers and looked at how much she would actually make, I'd leave it alone. I honestly don't see what's wrong with saying, "Yes, we are lucky that I can stay home," when someone comments on it. My cousin works 40 hours a week for $100 a week after daycare and taxes and they need every penny of it. She would love to stay home with her kids and she can't. No matter what sacrifices we make, and there are plenty, I'm still lucky that I have this option.