Having the molestation safety talk with ds

[oceanbaby]

Ds1 is 4 (as of Sunday ) and I have been thinking lately that it might be the time to have a talk with him about his body being private, bad touches, telling us if anyone touches him or scares him, etc. Dh brought it up to me as well, so we are on the same page about wanting to address it. But we are both kind of at a loss at how to succinctly express what we want to say in a way that he will understand, yet will not frighten him. I want to make sure that we express to him that it is safe to tell us no matter who it is.

Have you talked to your kids about this? What did you say? Any suggestions?

[Shonahsmom]

Buy "Protecting the Gift" by Gavin De Becker. It is by far the best and most comprehensive guide I've ever read about protecting your children from all forms of violence and giving them the tools to protect themselves.

[Junebug]

I'm a bit of a freak but I requested the sexual predator list for my zip code before we bought this house. You would be really suprised to know what kind of scum surrounds you! I know we were! All states are different(mine is one of the worst as far as protecting the privacy of child molesters!) but some will give you headshots,the exact crimes and the address of offenders- my mom's state has a website that allows you to actually print up fliers with pics & personal info of sexual predators! In addition to having the talk, you might want to make sure there is no one in the immediate area who warrents a more specific warning.

[oceanbaby]

Oh we checked our zip code, and there are numerous sexual offenders in our area (we live in a big city). Dh had talked about showing ds their pictures, but I don't think that's the right way to go. Mainly because I doubt I would be able to ID someone from a pic on the website, let alone ds. But I also don't want him to think it's some specific boogeyman that we are warning him against. As much as I hate the idea that there is a convicted pedophile living 2 blocks away, I'm more worried about the classic Uncle Joe scenario. I can't imagine when my ds would be alone with the stranger down the street, but at a family party with Uncle Joe, that's more what I have in mind.

That's why I'm a little unsure how to say all this succinctly. I want to explain about strangers and people he knows and trusts, but without freaking him out.

Oh, and I do have Protecting the Gift - I love that book. I don't remember it discussing what to tell a young child, but I will go back and look again.

[bu's mama]

There's a book for children (that was probably written quite a few years ago based on the pictures) that reinforces the idea that their body is their own & they have the right to tell people no. The name of it is on the tip of my tongue but I can't remember it. I started reading it to dd about 6 months ago at age 2.5. I don't want to freak her out but want her to stick up for herself if she is uncomfortable (she tends to be more on the timid side).

I think it's important to talk to the child also, but the book is one that we read semi-frequently & I like to use it to lead us into talking about it at times.

I'm going to the library tonight so I'll look for it.

Ahh, here it is...It's my body : [a book to teach young children how to resist uncomfortable touch] / by Lory Freeman ; illustrations Carol Deach.

[sunnmama]

For a general book about "stranger danger", I love the Berenstain Bear's Learn about Strangers (or something like that). Nothing specific about private parts or molestation, but really good for explaining that, while most people are good, there are some people who are not good--and you *can not* tell who they are by the way they look.

[Shonahsmom]

Originally Posted by sunnmama

For a general book about "stranger danger", I love the Berenstain Bear's Learn about Strangers (or something like that). Nothing specific about private parts or molestation, but really good for explaining that, while most people are good, there are some people who are not good--and you *can not* tell who they are by the way they look.

I really discourage parents from teaching "stranger danger" to their children. Children are far, far, far more likely to be hurt by someone they know, often someone that is trusted by the family and has regular access to your child.

When parents stress avoiding and fearing strangers, it can leave the child to be even more overwhelmed and confused when someone they know harms them. When we teach them strangers=bad, we are conversely teaching them all people we know=good.

Plus we send them an extremely mixed message by teaching them stranger danger. We tell them "don't talk to strangers" yet they see us talk to strangers all the time-at the grocery store, the bank, even at the park when we talk to other mommas that we've never met.

Plus, if children are seperated from us, like at a mall for instance, it makes them very vulnerable if they are taught to not talk to and to fear strangers. Children that just sit and wait to be approached to be helped because they are conflicted about strangers are far more likely to be preyed upon versus if they are the ones that seek out and approach a stranger for help.

Just some things to think about.

[LunaMom]

90% of sexual crimes against children are committed by someone they know and trust. Of that 90%, 30% are relatives.

Teaching stranger danger does not protect children. And sex offender registries, while valuable, can offer a false sense of security because they only alert parents to those offenders who have been caught and convicted. The average predator victimizes over 100 children before being caught.

I second the suggestion for reading "Protecting the Gift" by Gavin DeBecker. Best book I ever read on the subject of keeping kids safe.

Don't have "the talk" with your son. Keep up an ongoing dialogue and make sure to set appropriate boundaries and stick to them yourselves, too. That includes no tickling unless he asks you to (sexual predators often use tickling as a way to desensitize kids to being touched), no insisting that he hug Grandma and Grandpa against his wishes, and so on.

It's great that you have this concern and there's a lot of information out there for people who want it!

Edited to add this: another problem with the "stranger danger" approach is that it leads kids to believe that only a stranger would harm them, so that when Uncle or the boy scout leader or whoever does something to him, he figures it's fine because this is someone he knows, and only strangers hurt children.

[oceanbaby]

Don't have "the talk" with your son. Keep up an ongoing dialogue and make sure to set appropriate boundaries and stick to them yourselves, too. That includes no tickling unless he asks you to (sexual predators often use tickling as a way to desensitize kids to being touched), no insisting that he hug Grandma and Grandpa against his wishes, and so on.

I was thinking about this as well - maybe no "talk" is even necessary. I am very big on respecting boundaries, not forcing affection, etc. I've gotten into trouble about it with my inlaws before. He begs us to tickle him, though.

[sunnmama]

I can't believe y'all are dissing my Berenstain Bear's book

:LOL

In defense of the book (or maybe in defense of my reading it to dd??), it really doesn't hype "stranger danger". On the contrary, actually. I guess it just opened up conversation, kwim? Dd and I have had a lot of good conversations sparked by that book. And I think, if anything, that the book makes her feel *more* comfortable with new people.....Mama Bear is pretty wise, gentle, and comforting!

[LunaMom]

I'm not dissing your book! :LOL

I simply meant that it's a common misconception that simply teaching children to avoid strangers will keep them safe. Being able to talk to strangers is actually a good skill - children should be able to identify a "safe' stranger should they ever find themselves in need of help - when they get lost in a store, for example. That said, I have taught my child some stranger safety - at this point I am usually with her, but she will play out of earshot in playgrounds or ride her bike around some bike paths where I can watch from a distance.

But really, the number of children abducted or victimized by strangers is way, way smaller than people think - that's because the shocking cases get a lot of media coverage, but the "everyday" ones don't get any.

[angelpie545]

I just recently went over this with my four-year-old. She was asking questions and I told her that is what just simply not okay for anybody to touch her breasts, her butt, or vagina except her. The only exception being that she has some sort of medical problem that invloves those areas, but in that case mommy or daddy is to be present AT ALL TIMES, and that no medical personal should examine her private areas without her parents being there. We had a long talk and I made it clear that if anyone ever touches her there, not matter who, she is to come and tell me immediately. I was very upfront and told her that I would always believe her, and that I would never be mad at her, and if someone hurt her there is wouldn't be her fault.
I note here that when it comes to bath time she now washes herself in her private areas; she feels more comfortable this way and I respect that. The only exception is when she needs me to wipe her bottom.

As far as "strangers" go, I said this: I told her that if mommy of daddy is holding her hand or standing next to her and someone says hello, or talks to her, it is okay to answer, as long as her parents are standing next to her. Since we are with her all the time, this works for right now. I let her know that some people have a sickness that makes them want to hurt children, but most don't, but you never know who it is so be watchful, cautious, and stay close to mom and dad. My daughter is very mature for her age and I can tell she understands most of what I tell her. I think it's defenately okay to have a "healthy" fear of strangers; a cautious additude. I've tried to focus my lessons on the children's developmental level, and as they grow older and are able to understand more, than I elaborate more.


Oh I will also add here that we do let her know that sometimes the person who hurts a child is someone that they already know, and we do teach her to scream and yell and say "NO!" regardless of who it is. I am very clear to let her know that she should tell me no matter who it is, even if it is someone whom we know and we are close to. If she feels uncomfortable, then I'm uncomfortable.

[Junebug]

As a kid, I was taught to never talk to strangers and that if I did get lost, to find a woman with kids and ask for help. I'll probobly go the same route w/ my own dd.

[abac]

Originally Posted by LunaMom

another problem with the "stranger danger" approach is that it leads kids to believe that only a stranger would harm them, so that when Uncle or the boy scout leader or whoever does something to him, he figures it's fine because this is someone he knows, and only strangers hurt children.

Yup. My uncle is a convicted pedophile. I'm not sure how many children he abused, (I know it was a lot,) but he was not a stranger to any of them. He was a boy scout leader. He was very involved with children and very trusted. These are most often the people who abuse children, not random strangers.

And as for tickling, I was discussing this with my mom and sis the other day. Mom asked if either of us had been sexually abused as children. I was not, but there was one time when a cousin was alone with me at a family function and was tickling me. He tickled me between my legs. I immediately ran upstairs where everyone was because I felt uncomfortable. I did NOT tell anyone because I wasn't sure if he meant to. I thought maybe it was an accident. I didn't want to get him in trouble over something that seemed like it might be an accident. So that being said, I think it's very important to stress to children that they tell someone even if they're NOT SURE if it was abuse.