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Bio moms with no stepkids???

post #1 of 29
Thread Starter 
I was just wondering how many are here that are in a blended family, where they are the bio mom and hubby has no kids from a previous marriage.

I've been on a few other blended family boards and it seems the majority is always the other way (DH has biological kids) or a combination (both have bio's and have child rearing experience)

I think the obstacles are different for those of us that are the bio mom and DH has no experience...at least as far as what specific problems we face. Like before DH and I had our son together (just this March) he didn't have kids and IMO..had no clue about what it was really like to be a father. That showed in his harsh parenting "techniques" and we had constant, horrendous fights over my girls, but he'd argue to the death that his "ways" would be better for the girls in the long run.

Of course all blended families (and families in general) have different problems...no family is the same...but I'd really like to know how many are in a similar boat ....cuz I feel this ship might sink at any moment
post #2 of 29
Sorry, I'm not in the same boat but I just wanted to give you a big

A friend of mine is involved with a man with 2 kids - she has none. I feel so bad for her b/c she went from single gal to stepmom to 2! (ages 8 and 10).

It must be very difficult for you at times. Dh and I always say we're lucky that we had kids apart b/c it made the blending much easier. (as easy as blending can be :LOL ) Hang in there! I may not be able to relate but I can always offer a shoulder. (like the other mamas here!)
post #3 of 29
I was married to a guy who had no kids. It was very hard! I don't think you feel those special bonds and real love, until you have a kid of your own. Then you see it, and are able to give it to step kids too. He said it was like 24/7 babysitting. Although he was a jerk, so I don't know that what he said was credible.
post #4 of 29
Thread Starter 
Hi ladies...and thanks so much for responding, but I guess it seems I'm in my own category here too...as usual
post #5 of 29
You mean you have children from a previous relationship and he does not?

That is me! ds1 is not bio dh child, but he is his dad!
post #6 of 29
Thread Starter 
yep..thats exxaccerry what I meant

So you have a son...who's 1 year old? ( not sure I get all the abbrevations yet)

That's great that your Dh treats him as his own....and I could probably see that being easier if he is only 1.

My problem is that my girls are 5 & 7 (4 & 6 when we got married). He gets along pretty well with the 5yo, but clashes like crazy with my 7yo. Which is just so odd to me because she's the lovable, do-anything-for-ya one...and she's so extremely sensitive and gets her feelings hurt very easily and it just breaks my heart the way he trys to treat her. I probably wouldn't even mind so much if it was the younger one...she's independent and hard headed and tough as nails.

awww...who am I kiddin..that would bother me too

but the girls had been used to having me all to themselves for so long and we did things how we wanted. Bedtime was whenever we felt like going to bed...dinner was whatever each of us felt like most nights and if they didn't feel like finishing everything and wanted popcorn later...that was fine. He thinks that kind of stuff is JUST WRONG and apparently its going to make them horrible adults

..lol...I'll stop there...I could go on for days about our differences in parenting styles.
post #7 of 29
Thread Starter 
doh...I just saw in the bottom of your post that you have a 5 year old son. I think I get what your situation is now. Youhad a son, then re-married and now you also have kids together???

That's great that your DH is mature enough to treat your bio son as his own...wish I was so lucky
post #8 of 29
No ds1 is 5. Dh came into his life at 13 months though, so still kinda like you said.....easy transition. How old were your girls when Dh started coming around?
post #9 of 29
Quote:
Originally Posted by Jbugz
doh...I just saw in the bottom of your post that you have a 5 year old son. I think I get what your situation is now. Youhad a son, then re-married and now you also have kids together???

That's great that your DH is mature enough to treat your bio son as his own...wish I was so lucky
He should treat them as his own...or he should not have married you. Know what I mean? It is a package deal.
post #10 of 29
Thread Starter 
Next month will be our 2nd anniversary...and that same month the girls will turn 6 & 8. So they were just turning 4 & 6 when we got married.

Think I got that right
post #11 of 29
Jbugz, my family is the same setup. I have a DS from a previous relationship, DH had no kids when we met. We had our first child together 9 months after being married.

It was hard for me to let go of having total control over all things kid related. I was a single mom for 6 years. At first, before we married, DH was critical of the way I parented DS. But, as he got to know us better, he saw the big picture. It really clicked for him when DS2 became a toddler, and less mommy centered. He understood that when he met me and DS1, it was like reading a book but starting in the middle. With DS2, he saw how it all began. It has been hard at times to just let him be, and find his 'inner dad' and not tell him what to do. But, the more I do, the better dad he is, and he is one amaizing father for sure.

Have things changed any since your new baby??
post #12 of 29
Thread Starter 
Quote:
Originally Posted by AngelBee
He should treat them as his own...or he should not have married you. Know what I mean? It is a package deal.

I totally know what you mean..and I wish I'd known it was going to be this way before I married him...but I didn't. I didn't know we'd clash on so many discipline issues or I NEVER would have married him.

It's a long story, but a lot of times now I feel so stuck with him. He's from New Zealand and we're still in the immigration process after all this time and add to that that now we have a baby together (another long story there)..and I feel like I can't get out of it without devastating him. He has no one here and loves his son to no end, so he'd never go back to NZ without him.

I do love him and would feel horrible about taking his son away from him...but at the same time, I hate him in some ways.

It's very confusing I'm sure...not having all the facts and I don't want to bore anyone with long sob stories right off the bat

suffice it to say, I'm glad I found a place (that he doesn't know about) where I can air my frustrations....LOL
post #13 of 29
Thread Starter 
Quote:
Originally Posted by Kerlowyn
Jbugz, my family is the same setup. I have a DS from a previous relationship, DH had no kids when we met. We had our first child together 9 months after being married.

It was hard for me to let go of having total control over all things kid related. I was a single mom for 6 years. At first, before we married, DH was critical of the way I parented DS. But, as he got to know us better, he saw the big picture. It really clicked for him when DS2 became a toddler, and less mommy centered. He understood that when he met me and DS1, it was like reading a book but starting in the middle. With DS2, he saw how it all began. It has been hard at times to just let him be, and find his 'inner dad' and not tell him what to do. But, the more I do, the better dad he is, and he is one amaizing father for sure.

Have things changed any since your new baby??

Hi Kristina..and thank you for responding too.

Nothing has changed since we've had our son...but he's only 10 weeks old now and I have HIGH hopes that things WILL change. Otherwise, I can't see living with him forever. I love my girls too much to do that.

deleted by jbugz

I also wanted to add that you'll probably see me post about how wonderful he is at things. I don't want to give anyone the impression that he's abusive or anything of the sort. He would be the ideal husband if I had no kids. He loves me to no end and would give his life for me. He's a romantic to the core and does unbeleivable things...things most girls would melt over.

The only real issues we have are with my daughter and my ex..but those are HUGE to me.

When we have good times, they're the best...but when we fight, it's hell on wheels baby
post #14 of 29
Do you trust him with your kids?

If you do, then, step back a little and let him parent with you. Make him step up and parent all the time, not just when they do something he doesn't really like.
Be a team ALL THE TIME. If they see you guys fighting over what was just said to them, they won't listen to him. **HUGS**
post #15 of 29
Quote:
I was married to a guy who had no kids. It was very hard! I don't think you feel those special bonds and real love, until you have a kid of your own. Then you see it, and are able to give it to step kids too. He said it was like 24/7 babysitting. Although he was a jerk, so I don't know that what he said was credible.
just wanted to add, since its not in my sig, and i didn't really say it before. I have a DD with an ex, the man I married wasn't the dad and didn't have kids of his own. he always acted like she was my resposibility, but always put his 2 cents in, when he didn't like something I was doing. : I decided not to have kids with him, because of this. Cause I really felt it was cause she wasn't his. And I didn't want her to have to see what *good* dad does to there bio kids by having a baby together, if that makes sence. I thought he would treat them different, and I didn't want her to see it.
post #16 of 29
I am in the opposite boat (to mix metaphors) I was a single girl who married a very devoted dad. It reminded me of him the way you said you girls were laid back and fun before the marriage. . .dh, he's not that laid back but they were buddies, he and his son, always hanging out together, watching winnie the pooh and falling asleep on the couch at 8, eating dinner at his mom's house, etc. things did change pretty drastically when I came along. Not because we were suddenly a family and had to do family things or something, just that I picked up the slack that my MIL was doing at the time (cooking, child care, etc) and that change dss life quite dramatically.

It did take time to truly love my dss (he was 5 at the time, still in preschool) but I was always kind to him, even when I wasn't sure I LOVED him, because he is a child, he is my husbands darling child, and I don't fight with children. I mean, stepkid, cousin, neighbor, whatever, I would always try to be kind and patient with any child. That is the kind of person I am. How can your dh be a romantic when it would (I think) melt your heart the most for him to be kind and loving to your children?

You new child may help him learn to be a dad, or it might show you that you realy do have different parenting philosophies. When my ds was born, I realized I had been too lenient with dss. I didn't want my own child watching so much tv or eating so much sugar. I think it made me think about my own parenting style more and double check that dh and I are on the same page.


I am not saying that because I did love my stepson quickly that your dh must be bad or anything, just that your different parenting philosophies might come into play even when he does love the child.

Do you think it might be different for men, too?
I did have models for stepmamahood and I wanted to mother. Is it harder for a man to take on kids that aren't biologically his? I don't know, but my dh tells me he might have trouble doing what comes easier for me.
post #17 of 29
This is me too.

I have DD#1 from a previous relationship... I met DH (who has no children) when she was 6yrs, and he met her at her 7th bday party... she came to live with us (previously she'd been with my mom for financial reasons) right before she turned 8 and she took to him amazingly well... he loves her just like I would expect a bio-dad too... she's more attached to him than she is to me actually... thankfully that doesn't bother me... it makes her happy and she sooooo needs a good male figure in her life (her *father* sees her MAYBE 2-3 times a year, and then ignores her while he's visiting anyway)... DH and I are now expecting a DD together and my DD#1 couldn't be happier... she's adjusted really well to everything, even asking if DH could adopt her so he'd be her real dad instead of step-dad (we're going to pursue that as soon as financially possible)... and DH has taken to the daddy role better then I could've hoped... since he has no children (yet) of his own I wasn't sure how involved he'd be... I know he was nervous at first, but DD#1 kinda pulled him along with her... now he's so totally involved in everything with her... it's wonderful!
post #18 of 29
This is me too. My boys are 6 and 4 now- they were 3 and 1 when we got together, and my eldest and my dh keep on locking horns. He's a good parent, but the two of them just struggle to love each other and be a family.
post #19 of 29
I have a 2 yr. old from a previous relationship, my partner and I have been together for a year and a half (although we've been friends, confidantes, roommates, and even lovers on and off for the past 4.5 years), and I am now pregnant with our first child together (a girl, IMO!).
It bothers me that R (my partner) is not an equal parent, but he does do some things (like get up with J in the AM and feed him breakfast). I think things will change a lot after the baby's born.
Julian's dad is very involved, though, and generally has him 3 afternoons a week, and talks to him on the phone daily. So it's not like J needs a dad, ya know?
R agrees with me on parenting issues. He'll advocate for extended BFing, slings, cosleeping, anti-circ, anti-vax, cloth diapers, no TV, etc. in any situation. He is also pro-UC (woohoo) and in general just learns from me without putting up a fight as far as kids are concerned.
post #20 of 29
Thread Starter 
Quote:
Originally Posted by hottmama
He is also pro-UC (woohoo) and in general just learns from me without putting up a fight as far as kids are concerned.
ahhhh you lucky duck

I only wish that DH would realize that how you felt you'd parent before you had kids is usually not the way it actually ends up happening. Before you have kids of your own, you really have no idea how much just loving them changes your perspective, and in turn (most times)...changes the way you treat and react to them. He doesn't have that perspective just yet...so we continue to clash.
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