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Originally Posted by Jbugz
I was just wondering how many are here that are in a blended family, where they are the bio mom and hubby has no kids from a previous marriage.
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Originally Posted by Jbugz
I've been on a few other blended family boards and it seems the majority is always the other way (DH has biological kids) or a combination (both have bio's and have child rearing experience)
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Originally Posted by Jbugz
I think the obstacles are different for those of us that are the bio mom and DH has no experience...at least as far as what specific problems we face. Like before DH and I had our son together (just this March) he didn't have kids and IMO..had no clue about what it was really like to be a father. That showed in his harsh parenting "techniques" and we had constant, horrendous fights over my girls, but he'd argue to the death that his "ways" would be better for the girls in the long run.
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We moved in so fast because ( <ahem> you'll love this part ) my ex is a New Zealander. When we got together, he *swore* we'd be coming back to Texas to raise the kids (I *totally* hear you about immigration. Immigrating to NZ sucks, too.) 5 years later, I came back with them and without him :-/
We were all living in NZ when the marriage ended. Ex said he wanted to "make a clean break and get on with our lives" didn't want contact with the kids, and refused to pay support (he's unemplyed and not worth more than 10 bucks a week, anyway, so I didn't bother arguing. If he wanted nothing to do with the kids, I'd rather *not* be taking money from him.) Ex also said he was leaving NZ to live in another country where he also has citizenship. So faced with the prospect of raising my kids alone in a nice, but foreign country, surrounded by *his* family, who thought I was the bad guy in the breakup, and who always bugged the shit out of me anyway, having no contact with him, no job, no car, a rural house... screw that! I came back to *my* home!
My current SO, when heard that I was separated and on the way "home" made if very clear that he wanted me, *and* the kids, and was willing to jump thorough any flaming hoops we could throw at him <grin>. Rather than trying to get off the plane and find a place to live and a job and abandon the kids to full time daycare when they're used to *2* SAHPs, and everything else they know has just gone out the window, I decided to move in with him for a while, and then I'd at least be able to scope things out before I *had* to stand on my own two feet.
Things went much better than I anticipated, though
He was raised by an in-home-daycare provider, and lived there for a while as an adult while going to college. He's been *around* kids a lot, which is great! But he hasn't ever had a parent-child *relationship* before, and despite his childcare experience, which made him pretty cocky at first, he has really been astonished at how different it is being The Dad.
I mostly stay the hell out of the way and let them grow their own relationships. When he has an idea that I think is just *too* whacked, I try to be "minimally invasive" and suggest the *least* amount of change required to keep the kids, me, the dog, and him (in that order) safe and away from total meltdown.
When he has ideas that are lovely and wonderful and really are things that only babysitters and grandparents can get away with ("Oh, go on, let 'em have a whole bag of gummi bears and an orange soda-pop for lunch! What will it hurt!?") As long as it's not gonna hurt anyone, I back off and let him learn from experience. He's pretty quick on the uptake
He thought my crunchy ways were pretty odd at first, but I didn't push them on him, and he's slowly begun to see why I do them, and has even adopted some himself. No nagging required ;->Quote:
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Originally Posted by Jbugz
Of course all blended families (and families in general) have different problems...no family is the same...but I'd really like to know how many are in a similar boat ....cuz I feel this ship might sink at any moment
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Two books sealed the fate of my previous marriage:
Co-Dependent no More
Self Assertion for Women
I highly recommend them... and marriage counseling.
A family... Even a stepfamily... does *not* have to be like that.
(my ex refused counseling, which was another sign as far as I was concerned)
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so that has helped. My problem was more the "hands off" thing--I was used to being a single mom, and I liked it, but I was ready for more help, and hands off meant he didn't really do a lot with her.
