Moms of onlies

[Rainbow Brite]

When did you know that you only wanted one child? We *think* we only want one, but there's a tiny feeling of *maybe we'd want another some day*. Dd is 9 months and it just feels right kwim? But I'm reluctant to get rid of everything she doesn't use, or take any permanent steps *just in case*. If we did want another, I'd wait till dd is 4 or 5. So I was just wondering when did you decide?

[Vermillion]

We haven’t decided yet, and even though we have flirted with the idea of another baby recently I am leaning towards only… Like you, if we do have another it won’t be for a while… Like 5-6 or so.

The thought of having another child sounds nice, as does giving my DS a sibling… But on the other hand it would be really nice to be able to dedicate all my time and resources to just him.

So I guess I didn’t exactly answer your question. I’m right there with you though.

[Rainbow Brite]

Ah you sound so much like me! I want to be able to devote everything possible to dd, and not be stressed by having more kids and not being able to give them as much of what I believe they need ect. But it's that *what if*. Did you keep all of the baby stuff?

[Vermillion]

I have several boxes in our storage room of all his baby clothes from birth-now (3). I never bothered with a crib or playpen or anything like that though, so clothes are pretty much all we have. I keep those 1. Because I haven’t had the heart to get rid of them and 2. If we had another boy he would have some really nice, almost new clothes to wear! That would save a lot of money! If we had a girl I could easily sell to a consignment shop for credit or whatever.

I also plan to homeschool/unschool and I would like my DS to have all my time to teach him and bring him places. It seems like it would be difficult to give him everything I want to give him with a younger child to take care of. I don’t want my DS to play second fiddle, or the baby! You know? Maybe it would have worked out well if I had 2 that were close together but I missed the boat on that one!

I feel a little guilty though because my DS isn’t very high needs and he looooves other kids. I am pretty sure he would be thrilled to have a sibling around.

I am still young though. Having another baby when my DS is 10 is a definite possibility. Then I would have the time to dedicate most of my time to a small child, just like I did with DS. That’s another issue of mine. With my son I have all my time to give him. He never had to wait on anything because I had no other responsibilities but him. He always comes first. Part of me would feel guilty to not be able to do that for a second child.

Sorry for the novel! I didn’t mean to carry on and on but I am thinking you can probably relate to a lot of that.

[nicole lisa]

Right after he was born, lol! We planned on more, but the minute he was here DP and I felt it all just fit. Just before DS turned 2 DP had a vasectomy, so we were and still are very certain of our choice.

I think you know loud and clear when you're done and if there's still a bit of "what if..." then it's definitely too soon to do anything more or less permanent about it.

Poor DS, I work in a children's consignment store and the minute something looks a bit small on him I sell it out from under him. We haven't really kept anything of his from babyhood.

He's 4.5.

[earthcore]

We decided before DD was even conceived! She's 6 months old now and I've been starting to get rid of things already. We're throughly enjoying every age and stage with her, but we know we don't want any more babies. Every once in a while I feel a little twinge of sadness about it, but that's life.

[Rainbow Brite]

Originally Posted by Vermillion

I have several boxes in our storage room of all his baby clothes from birth-now (3). I never bothered with a crib or playpen or anything like that though, so clothes are pretty much all we have. I keep those 1. Because I haven’t had the heart to get rid of them and 2. If we had another boy he would have some really nice, almost new clothes to wear! That would save a lot of money! If we had a girl I could easily sell to a consignment shop for credit or whatever.

I also plan to homeschool/unschool and I would like my DS to have all my time to teach him and bring him places. It seems like it would be difficult to give him everything I want to give him with a younger child to take care of. I don’t want my DS to play second fiddle, or the baby! You know? Maybe it would have worked out well if I had 2 that were close together but I missed the boat on that one!

I feel a little guilty though because my DS isn’t very high needs and he looooves other kids. I am pretty sure he would be thrilled to have a sibling around.

I am still young though. Having another baby when my DS is 10 is a definite possibility. Then I would have the time to dedicate most of my time to a small child, just like I did with DS. That’s another issue of mine. With my son I have all my time to give him. He never had to wait on anything because I had no other responsibilities but him. He always comes first. Part of me would feel guilty to not be able to do that for a second child.

Sorry for the novel! I didn’t mean to carry on and on but I am thinking you can probably relate to a lot of that.

So much is familar! I think about the homeschooling thing as well! I love that dd is first. If we had another, not only would she not have all my attention, but the new babe wouldn't get the attention I was able to give to dd, and I'd feel like I was jipping both of them kwim?

and if there's still a bit of "what if..." then it's definitely too soon to do anything more or less permanent about it.

ITA, so we aren't going to do anything permanently. Actually, the only time dh said he'd want another was when he saw that Hallmark commercial for mother's day- with the two daughters- so he said he'd like another daughter. About ten minutes later, he was back to having an only.

Dh is an only. He's the most giving, selfless person I know.I have a younger bro, and two step sisters. My bro and I did not get along as children. I met my stepsisters when I was 8 and never got along, so I'm not into the myths that go along with onlies.

[Vermillion]

Dh is an only.

I’m an only also. I LOVED IT! I never feel bad about not having siblings, it is fine (even preferable) with me! I can’t say my DS would feel the same way if he is an only, but maybe I wouldn’t even consider making him an only if I had hated it.

DP isn’t planning on doing anything permanent for while either, just in case.

[mraven721]

DS is 21 months and I've said since we was born that we wouldn't be having anymore. So many reasons, but mostly I don't think I can put into another child what I've put into Carter. I don't think my body can handle another pregnancy. I don't want to have to stress about VBACing. I don't want to 'start all over again'. I want to give DS EVERYTHING and if there is a second that won't be possible.
Thanks for this thread, I need to read other families stories. I need to know I'm not alone in this.

[mraven721]

Oh and I wanted to add that DP is on only and he feels bad about not growing up with brothers and sisters. He's not in the same place I'm at with not wanting anymore.

[Rainbow Brite]

Originally Posted by mraven721

Oh and I wanted to add that DP is on only and he feels bad about not growing up with brothers and sisters. He's not in the same place I'm at with not wanting anymore.

I'm sorry to hear that.

My dh didn't mind being an only at all (actually he had an older brother who died before he was born).

I agree about the stress of VBAC as well!

[SabrinaJL]

Well, after DD was born I felt that one was perfect. By the time she was five I was 100% certain I was happy with the way things were. She's 11 now. The older she gets, the more upsetting the thought of having another one becomes.

[Katie Bugs Mama]

Now that DD is 4.5, we're toying with the idea of maybe considering trying to think about having another one. I always knew that if I did have another kid, I wanted at least 5-6 years between them so that they would each get the experience of being the only babies in the house. As an only child myself, I've always felt secretly sorry for toddler who were forced to give up being "the baby" because another sibling came along.

[sparkprincess]

Mmm. Good thread. I've been wondering the same thing.

Ds is 10 mos and we are realllllly leaning toward him being an only, but I'm afraid to do anything permanent. Arghhh. Such a hard descision.

[Yooper]

I was 100% sure that dd would be an only while I was pg and really the entire time she has been with us. BUT, I am feeling little twinges mostly due to all of our friends having thier seconds now. I still do not want more than one, but I do feel left behind. Like I will not be part of the club or that dd will grow and be self sufficient while all of my friends are still in the thick of baby care. How many times have I heard "you are not a REAL parent unless you have 2+" or "dd will be SO deprived if you do not give her a sibling..."? I have hung on to all of her stuff and we have not done anything permanent but we do want to start that process. I think things like giving away clothing and such will just be harder the older she gets. Plus it will be out of style..... I am just 99.99999% sure but that .00001% nags a bit....

[Embee]

Originally Posted by Rainbow Brite

I'm reluctant to get rid of everything she doesn't use, or take any permanent steps *just in case*.

I think my lack of reluctance in donating DS's outgrown items (started doing so when he was about 6 months), was a clear sign that he was to be our one and only, and that we were feeling 100% confident in that decision. I'm still dutifully passing on the goods...

If you think perhaps that there is a "tiny feeling" of wanting to try for more, why not hold off awhile. Pack up the those things, put them away and wait until you feel more sure... IF you feel more sure. If so, donate when you feel ready, and if you decide to go for it again, you'll have all that stuff to use again.

I'm not sure if this is helpful for not, but the only thing that bothered me about donating DS's things, was that I would no longer have them to look at anymore, to hold, get all weepy and nostalgic... I LOVE doing that. So, I decided that everytime I prepped a "new batch" of items/clothes/etc. I would keep something extra special; a shirt he LOVED and wore always, the sweater Grandma knitted for him, a special baby toy. I keep these items close at hand and even DS loves to go through them and try to put things on. They are like little pieces of time I can look at and think back... mushy mushy...

Whatever you decide, the best to you!

Em

[GuavaLava]

:

A question I struggle with, sometimes daily. I wish we had just done it when dd (2 1/2) was younger. My list of pros and cons grows with every passing month.

I have 44lbs to lose before I do anything though. If we decide to have another child, I want my body to be in peak condition for baby growing and birthing. No ammo for those dang intervening Drs. :

[robinkate]

I'm glad to find this thread. We're considering having only one child as well. It seems like everyone I know is having at least two! I'd like to have more, but DH really wants just one. Right now we're struggling financially so unless we get straightened out, there's no way we could afford number two. I give away dd's clothes and toys as she outgrows them b/c I just don't want to keep looking at them and wondering if we'll change our minds. But I don't think I'll know for sure until I hit menopause! Still hoping that in a few years, things may look different
Robin

[newmommy]

DS is 21months and we are 100% sure he will be an Only. Guaranteed. People ask all the time...Why don't you want anymore kids? And I say "I just don't want anymore and I'm not having any more" and that's the way I feel. DH is scheduled to get a V.

Quite frankly, the thought of having another child never occurs to me, so sure I am in my decision. I just go on with my daily life... planning life with a family of 3 in mind...

As you might have guessed, New Motherhood hit me like a Mack 10 Truck and I didn't see it coming. PPD enveloped me like thick black smoke. I felt like I was smothered, couldn't breathe and nobody wanted to "talk about" what was going on with me..."It's all in your head, you women will blame anything on these babies" said my male Psychologist...

I felt like the first year of my life was "on hold". Today, Colic is over, Formula is over, getting up every 2 hours at 2am, 4am, 6am, for feedings for the first 6months is over, our last Well Baby Check up will be over when he turns 2 in July.

Now I'm in the Toddler Stage and I'm exhausted because I am blessed with a very Spirited Child and I wouldn't have it any other way. I just plan to be exhausted for another year or so...

Since my son is almost 2 and will be an Only, there are alot of things I can actually do again as opposed to when he was an infant:

Have a cup coffee in the morning

Make DS smile and laugh (he was miserable as an infant)

Acutally read a quick magazine while DS rolls his car around the windowsill

Not have to pack a complete diaper bag with half the house

If I am tired or sick, I can look forward to DS's naptime around noon and lay down with him and sleep with him. DS has matured to where if I am still sleeping and he wakes up, he will lay there (for about 15minutes max...works for me!) quietly until I wake up.

If I can do all that before age 2, I'll be able to conquer the world by 3!!

And the benefits:

If I don't feel like cooking, it's cheaper for me to get a Child's Plate for one Kid @ $2.99

If DH and I die, it was easier to find a Guardian for DS.

I could really go on about why we chose to have an Only. It's just not in me to be a mother to more than 1 child. DH and I are very attached to DS, we give him our ALL. I couldn't do it with more than child.

We are just starting to *see* each other again as Husband and Wife and not JUST Parents. For a long time, we couldn't see outside of DS because he IS in fact our world.

Case in point: We went on on our first "date" the second on in 6months...We were having lunch and we just sat there looking dumb...we didn't know what to say to each other other than "What do you think DS is doing now?" We couldn't connect *romantically* KWIM? It was very awkward. We called my mom 6 times to check on DS. Needless to say, it wasn't a very good date because we couldn't completely relax.

Sorry to have went off in left field

[Yooper]

Newmommy - I am right there with you! I really thought I would have more than one until we had one. I could not believe how hard it was for me. I am loving the fact that I can actually DO things again. Not things without dd, just things with her around....like coffee. Maybe I just need more "space" or "quiet" or "order" or something than everyone else on here. The thought of having another actually makes me panic a little. I loved being pg and had a really easy labor and delivery. But that first year was HELL on me and I cannot fathom doing it again. I feel horrible thinking that way but I had PPD and a baby that would not (and still doesn't) sleep well. I think a big part of it is that I am used to being good (very good) at everything I do. I was a good student, a great employee, etc..... I have seriously never embarked on anything major that I did not excel at immediately. But parenthood has not been that way. I really thought it would be easy (I know, dumb dumb dumb). I thought "if I am going to quit working and be a sahm, I mgiht as well have a few and make it worth my wild". Ha ha. Who knew that one would be enough "wild" for me. I still do not know where I am. I do not want to close the book and say dd will be an only even though I see a lot of benefit to it. But the very thought of a broken condom throws me into shivers. A good sign that I might never be ready. Which I think is OK. I just need to finish rearranging my ideas to be a fmaily of 3 instead of a minivan full......