What works for you?

[yummy-mummy]

Well, I'm sad the "SAHM: A Choice" thread was closed - it upset me at times, but I learned a lot.

Dh and I are expecting our first in August, and we have discussed family dynamics and the future choices we will have to make as a family (and please, no more comments on how little sleep we'll be getting - we've had plenty of those! :LOL)

I came from a family where both parents worked - but I feel I had a wonderful childhood and wonderful parents. Dh came from a family where his mom stayed at home - once the kids were in school, she did some part-time work outside the home, but was always there when they came home from school. I think his relationship with his mom made him into the great person he is today

So far, we feel SAHMing would be best for us. But it's a new concept for me and I'm still figuring things out.

So...taking a cue from the closed thread, I wondered if any mamas would be willing to share what has worked for their family and why? I get the sense there are many different options out there!

[emomama]

congrats on being a newlywed and also on your new little one!

i worked before having my kiddos and actually considered going back after my maternity leave was up. that lasted for all of ten minutes after they were actually born. :LOL i just knew i needed to be home with my babies so that's what we did. i told my boss i was quitting because i found a much better job with better benefits. i was the main breadwinner in the family before and since quitting we have been quite poor, but it has been well worth the sacrifice as i've been home to witness every moment of my kids' growth and development. they're going to be two in a few short months and it's gone by so fast i can hardly believe i ever considered missing any part of it, y'know?

SAHMing does come with its fair share of problems, just like anything else. it's easy to start to feel isolated, alone, unappreciated... try to start building a network of cool SAHM's now... mamas you can relate to, have similar parenting techniques and most importantly, LOVE WHAT THEY DO. then, once the new little one arrives, whenever it gets a little rough (which it definitely will) they'll be there for you to lean on and to help you remember that you're doing this for your family and that the benefits far outweigh the problems.

so, that's what works for us. HTH!

[the_lissa]

I was between jobs when I got pg, so my husband took parental leave and was home for a few months. I took some classes, and it was great. I might get a part time job because I can't afford day care right now. I will be going back to school to be a midwife and the kid(s) will be in day care. If we have any kids not in school when I finish school and start working, my partner will be a sahd.

[my2girlsmama]

Originally Posted by emomama

SAHMing does come with its fair share of problems, just like anything else. it's easy to start to feel isolated, alone, unappreciated... try to start building a network of cool SAHM's now... mamas you can relate to, have similar parenting techniques and most importantly, LOVE WHAT THEY DO. then, once the new little one arrives, whenever it gets a little rough (which it definitely will) they'll be there for you to lean on and to help you remember that you're doing this for your family and that the benefits far outweigh the problems.

This is so true, and vital. And be certain you want to do it. It's easy to say you want to be a sahm but living it is very different. Expect less, money, energy (LOL) and adult conversation.....force yourself to get out of the house with the kids and be a part of life..I have many sahm friends who lose themselves in the day to day staying in PJs becasue it is easier than packing up the kids and heading out. I am a busy sahm who isn't home much!

Also, find a way to earn a little $$ from home if you can. While my decision to stay home is the best one for us and one I value and hold dear to my heart, I do miss the outside world at times....and making money because one income is very very hard.

And yes, remember your children are why you choose/decide to do this, and in the end THEY matter most not what society or the working world thinks.

[thoesly]

I was fortunate enough to be able to "wean" myself from the work world. I was a teacher, and for a year after I became a SAHM, I was also the official grader for my former department (a nice little-utilized position), which required me to make weekly trips to pick up/drop off papers for homework. I also tutored 2 evenings a week for 3 years. Then things got hectic for us, and I quit everything to devote my full attention to my family.

That's where I am now, and where I plan to stay. I want to be home for my kids when they are in high school as well as right now. BUT -- I also keep my teaching license current and I am working on a nutrition degree (distance learning). The degree is mainly to help figure out what to feed my kids (special needs issues), but it is also a pathway to new job possibilities. My husband was one of the many, many people who lost their job within weeks of 9/11, and the promised severance package evaporated. We had months of creative financing until he found another job, but we never truly entered panic mode because we knew we had options (substitute teachers do very well here in terms of job hours).

So even though I am a SAHM full time, and I have no plans to change that anytime soon, I feel more secure knowing that I could help out financially if a crisis does hit again (fingers crossed that it doesn't).

[SmilingChick]

Hmm...I think it works for us mainly because we never considered any alternatives. We consciously chose to have a SAHP. On our third date, I remember having a conversation about children in general and we both agreed if we ever had kids, one parent must be home with them, and even when they are school age, one parent must be there when they get home. So once it became obvious that we'd be having kids together, it was not a situation we had to think about.

As for how it works financially, we both came into the marriage with a fair amount of assets, and banked dh's salary (2x mine) for the year prior to dd's birth, so now we haven't really had to make many lifestyle changes.

I was at a point where I loathed my career, so I was happy to leave. I write now, which is a phenomenal career for an at-home person.

My parents are young, retired, and would love to watch dd, for free, if I ever went back to work. But they had their opportunity with me, so I would never want to miss out on dd's growth by working. It is nice to know, God forbid something terrible happened to one of us, that they could watch the baby,as opposed to day care.

I love being home - I do an awful lot, and honestly by Thursday I think "Oh my God, where did the week go?" Yesterday dh had a bad day at work, and asked me what I did. I met a friend for lunch with a baby a few months older than dd, went shopping, went for a walk, worked on my book for a bit while dd napped, baked a cake and nursed dd a bunch of times....what's not to love?

Enjoy this time with your child!

[KariM]

I just found this part of MDC and haven't read the thread you referenced.

But I can tell you what has worked (and not worked) for my family.

I was a SAHM with my DS until he was 3 y/o. I always believed that I needed to stay with my kids full-time until they were at least 3. When he turned 3 I went back to college so we were apart part-time. I still didn't work and usually he was with his dad when I was in class. When he was 6 I went to work full-time (had graduated with my BS and MA by then).

I worked full-time until he was 10 and began having some problems that indicated he needed his mom more than he was getting her.

It was then that I decided to start a small business and work from home. He was traditionally schooled and out of the house from 8am-3pm every day and I needed something to occupy my time, but NOT the 60 hr/week job I previously had.

Fast forward to now and we have DD. Technically I'm still a WAHM but on a very part-time basis since she was born. Being a high touch baby she really doesn't allow me much time for other work.

So...I've been a SAHM, WOTHM, and a WAHM.

For us what was important is keeping an eye on the needs of all family members and being flexible and able to make adjustments when needed.

--Kari

[musingmama]

Well, for me, being a SAHM works best when dh and I are able to talk and listen to each others needs easily. Like, helping each other have a little time for ourselves (even if this means the house is always a mess!) and talking about all the expectations we sometimes feel put upon us in our roles....
There really needs to be good communication, I feel, for the SAHM not to get burnt out, and to try and come up with some practical ways you can still feel like you have some time and space for yourself.
The first two years with my ds have been very exhausting, joyful, and wonderful. I love expereinceing all the new things he does everyday and then able to relate that to dh, and also I can really let dh know whats been up with ds that day so he has a better idea of where he is coming from. Being a SAHM helps their relationship, I think.
Money is a big issue. Like lots of other SAHPs, I often deal with wishing I could contribute more finacncially, but I keep in mind how I am saving us money in many ways too (I think theres been lots of other threads on this topic)... but in a society that places value on money making and spending, it can be a little depressing some days when we are short on money for the bills. Its a balancing act.
I chose to stay home, It was the right choice for me, at this time in my life (I totally understand, tho, that for every woman it is different and totally respect working out of the home moms! ) but it isn't always a bed of roses. there are ups and downs just like anything in life. it was much much much harder on many levels than i had thought it would be, but I am still happy with my decision.
I do plan to start working from home, and then bring ds with me to work to sell my artwork and handwoven stuff at a market within the next year. Its important for me tos till follow my dreams and goals, too,- I have just soulsearched and found steps to make that more possible.
Its a balancing act and different for everyone. I really value this forum, and hope we still continue to have it so we can support each other!!!!

[sparkprincess]

Well, my ds is only 10 mos old, so not a ton of experience, but...

SAHM/WAHM is working well for me now. I knew that I personally couldn't keep up with things the way I wanted to if I had to work outside the home. I really enjoying being with my baby boy all day every day even if it is hard sometimes. Then again, working full time was never a picnic either!

I would like to take classes when my son is older (several years) but I also really want to homeschool so I'll have to see how that works out.

[NaomiLorelie]

Both DH and I have decided that we want our kids to have a SAHP all the time. DH's earning potential is much more than mine and just with his hours and the way things have worked out I have been a SAHM full time for a year and a half. (Before that I worker PT with DH caring for DD1 while I was gone. It was great.) This has been what's right for our family but I have been feeling very unchallenged and unfullfilled. We are going to figure out a way for me to go back to school which I am so happy about. I'd be okay having a PT job too. I love being home with my girls and will not give it up but I really want to get out a few hours a week and do something else. As long as the girls are with their daddy I don't feel like we'll be sacrificing anything. I have so much respect for woman who love SAH full time.There aren't enough women that do that IMO. I almost feel inadequate that I'm not completely satisfied as a SAHM. (BTW I do not judge women who want to work, this is just my own insecurity)

[Amys1st]

This is the kind of thread that this forum needs!!! The choice one was closed for a very good reason and know thats not how most posters behave.
But, since you asked SAH has worked well for me.

I agree there can be times of isolation and not feeling appeciated etc. While you at home at first with you baby- I'm thinking you will bfeed if you go to mdc! attend a few LeLeche Leagues meetings while prg and then after w the baby. You'll meet some Moms that maybe able to help you along. Also check and see at the local hospitals for after baby support groups. Mine has a breast feeding support group and thats how I met many of my friends today.
We started getting together for a "playgroup" of the babies. It started as just a bunch of nursing moms in a livingroom but it really helped me out. Also check in your area for local Moms groups. I am in one and we have such great times together. Just last night was family pizza night. If there is nothing like this, start one!

I find surronding myself with like thinking mothers, I have an easier time. When I say like I mean, if your breastfeeding, find another nursing mom. You'll find you will learn more from each other then from anything else.

Also you will know if being at home full time is for you pretty quickly. But whatever you choose, remember the sleepness nights are only for a short time when you look at the big picture so I don't know why people pester new parents about that. Its happens for about a year only or less or more. Spend as much time staring at your new child and hold it tight near you because they all of a sudden grow up.

Also any parent posting knows with children- the days can be real long but the years are real short.

[shayinme]

Originally Posted by Amys1st

Spend as much time staring at your new child and hold it tight near you because they all of a sudden grow up.

Also any parent posting knows with children- the days can be real long but the years are real short.

This is so true, I have a 13 yo and lately I find myself wondering where did the years go. He's taller than me and in a few short years he will be off to college, the time truly goes by fast.

I think its that knowledge that had lead me to really consider becoming a SAHM with the new baby. When I had my son I was 19 and still trying to find my place in the world, now at 32 I don't have the unresolved baggage. I am done with school, since the liklihood of me getting a doctoral degree at this stage in the game is pretty small. I do wish I had gotten a few more years of professional experience in but in a short period of time I went from being this girl who was a HS dropout who married the wrong guy and got pregnant to a woman who put herself through college, professional writer and a myriad of professional experiences.

I think it was looking at my life critically that allowed me to say I would like to try this path, also because with my son being a SAHM was not an option since my ex & I split when ds was 1.

I have been WAHM since discovering I was pregnant and after almost 7 mos here I am not running yet. I think in part because my spouse and I talk about everything and we have always had a rather egalitarian partnership, I mean in 7+ years of marriage I have done laundry once after he discovered I had a thing for shrinking laundry. :LOL

I don't see the new baby changing things like that, we both acknowledge that I will carry an additional burden with nursing but he sees it as his job to do other things around the house to balance things out.

With regards to the money, its a sacrifice no doubt. Not like we were living the high life when I worked but because I put myself through school (2 private ones) I have some astronomical student loans, which will frankly be defered for while. I will also contribute some $$ but really just a drop in the bucket with my freelancing, but its important to me to know that I do that.

I would think the key to becoming a SAHM is having some frank discussion around expactations in both sides.

[wildmonkeys]

Here is what I have done ---

I sah for 6 months after ds1 was born and then went back to work 24 hours a week at-home until he was two.

For a year and a half I worked full-time from home and ds went to a Montessori preschool 4 days a week. 9:30 - 12:30 or 9:30 - 3:00 (depending on if I thought he would nap happily there that day :LOL )

I then had ds2 and sah ft for a year & have been doing some pt freelance for the past year.

They have ALL worked great - I have always made sure that what I was doing was good for me, dh, and ds(s) at that time emotionally & financially. I am basically a happy person and we are a happy family. I try to never let myself feel too stressed out by what I have going on (being home ft or being a ft wm or whatever) because it will all pass quickly and I will have been sad to have wasted time and energy on worrying about deadlines or laundry rather than real life.

Congratulations and have fun! Kids are a blast and so smart - follow their lead and you can't go wrong.

BJ
Barney & Ben

[annarosa]

I worked full time for approx 10 years - so was kind of pleased to be taking a break to have #1. This 'break' turned into SAHM for the last 3 years. we are now planning #2 - I am happy with being at home. Can't imagine anything else although when the smallest is at school I would want to go back to some kind of income earning occupation ...........

[levar]

After my son was born I was a full time working parent while my husband stayed home. Then he went back to work full time and our son was in day care. Then I started to work at home. Now I am a stay at home mom.

During each phase of our lives over the last ~6 yrs; We've had good and bad times. We've liked some things and not others about our lives. We've had plenty of 'failures' and as many 'successes' too. And, I've been asked over and over "how do you do it" whether it is working full time, or staying home.

Honestly, over the last 6 yrs, my answer has always been:

"I just do."

[vermonttaylors]

Well SAHMing is by far the hardest work I've done, but it is also the most fun. I can't imagine the stress of trying to get everybody up and out the door to daycare in time for me to get to work on time. Also, I love the pace of our day.

For us, what works best is for us to keep busy. I live in an extrmely rural part of Vermont, but there is a really active network of APing SAHMs here, so we have an activity almost every moning. We are home by lnch and spend most afternoons at home. I am really careful to be midful of the kids moods so I can tell when they need a whole day playing quietly at home, or when they really need to see friends.

I am hopig to go back to school in 1-2 years, but I will only go part time. I love being home with my kids!

Yes, SAHMing gets boring and hard, but I had many, many days when I was bored with my previous job as well.

Good Luck!

[briansmama]

Smiling chick,

Thanks for the uplifting message! I love staying home with my ds too. We go to the park, take long walks, eat lunch together, visit the local library and market each week. my son hardly ever has tantrums because our lifestyle allows him plenty of time to practice new things, such as getting dressed, brushing his teeth on his own, etc.

I know that my ds is very secure with his place in the world because we give him our most important resource: time. We have so many children in our neighborhood; some with a parent who stays home, others who have nannies, and a few who attend daycare full or part-time. The kids who have a parent at home are generally healthier, happier and more secure. The kids with nannies latch on to me and my son wherever we go; they have even asked me to take them home with us (I'm not kidding). The kids who attend daycare have perpetually running noses and croupy coughs, not to mention more behavior problems. This is just what I have observed over the last 2 years.

Watch for it yourself. The more I observe, the more grateful I am that I get to be home with my child and care for him every day. Sure, you may make financial sacrifices, but to hand my child over to someone else every day would be a much bigger sacrifice.

Also, I agree that it is very important to find other SAHM's who love what they are doing. I have a neighbor friend that calls all the time asking us to get together because she now stays home after being laid off. She has mentioned that being home with her kids is boring compared to having a career, and I now know that spending time with her sucks my energy, so I try to limit how often I see her. I enjoy being around my friends who love staying home, so I see them more often.