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Need advice!!

post #1 of 18
Thread Starter 
OK, we coslept with my youngest until he was 11 months old. Then he started kicking us all night and trying to play, and eventually wouldn't sleep if dh was in the bed also. He would kick him and try to push him out of the bed, and scream everytime dh came near me! So funny, but got very tiring. We moved him into a crib in our room, which didn't work out too well, because I was pregnant and everytime I got up to pee, he woke up and screamed. So we moved him into his own room. He goes down to bed no problem, but wakes up often, at least 4 times and that is a good night, a night. My husband is in charge of baby waking, since I night weaned. So at least four times a night, he stumbles down the hall, picks up our now 16 month old, and lays him back down to sleep. He goes right back to sleep, but I am wondering if there is another way to help him to learn how to sooth himself. I do not want to let him CIO, but my husband is getting cranky, and I am looking for another solution. Help, I need advice!!
post #2 of 18
Hey!
Nice to see you here.

I won't be much help since we continue to cosleep with our 20MO son. (nightweaned due to painful pg) He wakes a couple of times but we can usually rub his back, help him lie down or offer a bottle of water/milk to help settle him again.

Do you think DS is feeling any of your stress lately?

Is it possible to put a matress on the floor in your room so he can be nearby, but not kick dad out of bed? (Would he wake less, if his proximity need was met?)

Does DH stumble down the hall as soon as he hears a noise, or is it a slow process where DS is fully waking himself up before DH gets there?

Can you bring DS to your bed when you go to bed? (part time cosleep?)

Is he teething?

Could YOU stumble down the hall a few times so DH does not get too frustrated? Or would that bring up nursing issues again?

I hope something in this triggers an idea for you.
For us, and I am sure you know, that just when you are ready to pull your hair out about something, the child shifts and the situation morphs into something completely different to deal with.

I hope you get solid sleep soon.
post #3 of 18
I've been doing a lot of reading and questioning a lot of people while dealing with this same issue. Your son wants attention. He needs to learn that he can't have attention all the time. Night time is for sleeping. He sleeps in his crib. You and your husband sleep in your bed. He is safe in his crib and he will get lots of attention during regular waking hours.

One way of looking at it is you know your son is safe in his room by himself and he will be OK there. He now has to learn that for himself. You can teach but he has to do the learning. You need to prove it to him by not giving in every time he cries. He has to realize he is OK and he can sleep without someone helping. At this stage he is crying because he wants attention. He doesn't need it. He wants it. He will cry but it's more of a temper tantrum cry then anything. It's a way of teaching. It's not leaving your child to cry till he pukes. It really isn't. I seriously doubt he will cry until he get's sick. He will cry and you will have to allow him to but it really only lasts a day or two as long as you resolve yourself to actually do it. I decided I was going to go in and re-assure my son every 5 minutes and it was a game to him. It went on for so long I had to change his diaper and he got up and crawled away when I was done. He had no clue something bad was happenning, he certainly didn't see it that way. I finally had to just leave him to cry and just learn. I did it for one day and he slept through the night with no problems and continues to do so. It's really hard but it's harder on you then on your child. It's completely non AP advise and it probably is CIO but it is a very easy solution it a very difficult problem. If what you are doing is not working you have to find something that does.

If you think about it you are truly "attatched" to your child if you can teach him to be independent and still have that bond. It's truly putting attatchment parenting to the test. If following the co-sleeping technique means your child will have a better bond with his parents and be more confident because he has had such intimate boding put it to the test and see if it worked. I'm sure it did.
post #4 of 18
what worked for us when I was pregnant, was for DH to sleep with DD1 while I slept by myself. Couldn't stand human contact at night when I was preggo, and besides, had to pee every 3 hours and didn't want to disturb everyone. Now I sleep with the little one while DH sleeps with the older one, but we are planning to get a really large bed all four of us can sleep in together. I have never and will never resort to leaving my child (either one) to cry when something as simple as picking her up or nursing her will calm her down. Comfort is still a need, and I choose to meet my child's needs whenever I am able.
post #5 of 18
I would like to remind everyone what MDC is all about. We DO NOT advocate CIO we DO NOT advocate leaving babies in the middle of the night to learn how to sooth themselves. Here is a bit from the User Agreement;

Quote:
What we are about at MotheringDotCommune. MDC serves an online community of parents and parents-to-be considering, learning, practicing, and advocating attachment parenting and natural family living.

The one thing that I can agree with this that it something is not working for you, you need to change it. Think small, there must be a small change you and your family can make to help your DS get the peaceful night sleep he deserves.
post #6 of 18
Thread Starter 
Thanks for all the advice. I really don't want to let him CIO. It just isn't my style. It isn't really my husband style either, Ijust think he is frustrated. I think it has definately been a stressful last 2 months with the miscarriage and everything else, so this is probably effecting him. Then there are the 3 teeth coming in.

I think that first thing we are going go to change is that I am going to try getting up with him, because I usually wake up at the drop of a pin, and dh usually takes a minute to focus and get out of bed with me encouraging him the whole time, which is frustrating for everyone. Ds hasn't nursed at night in quite awhile, so hopefully this won't encourage him to start asking again.

I also think if that we will try to play in his room during the day, so he gets more comfortable in there. He usually is only in there for night time, and we usuallly play downstairs or in his brother's room.

He has also recently found a blanket that I made that he really seems to like. I think I will make a point of putting it in the crib with him.

If none of that works, I may try sleeping on the futon in his room for awhile and see if that will help.

I think CB73 is right, hopefully it is just a stage. It usually is
post #7 of 18
Quote:
Originally Posted by mraven721
I would like to remind everyone what MDC is all about. We DO NOT advocate CIO we DO NOT advocate leaving babies in the middle of the night to learn how to sooth themselves. Here is a bit from the User Agreement;




The one thing that I can agree with this that it something is not working for you, you need to change it. Think small, there must be a small change you and your family can make to help your DS get the peaceful night sleep he deserves.

Thank you so much for posting those guidelines. I think it is a good reminder.
post #8 of 18
Quote:
Originally Posted by mraven721
I would like to remind everyone what MDC is all about. We DO NOT advocate CIO we DO NOT advocate leaving babies in the middle of the night to learn how to sooth themselves. Here is a bit from the User Agreement;




The one thing that I can agree with this that it something is not working for you, you need to change it. Think small, there must be a small change you and your family can make to help your DS get the peaceful night sleep he deserves.

I appreciate the MDC guidelines but I am saddened by the fact that when many people post looking for answers the same answers are given over and over again they go striclty with AP guidelines. Natural family living is what comes naturally to a family not a guideline of an organization. I don't see how sleep deprivation is natural in anyway over long periods of time. I see people trying to follow AP guidelines they do not understand. I don't think people would be posting the same sorts of questions over and over again if the AP guidelines worked 100% of the time - not saying that they should. It just seems like there are so many people very quick to just quote those AP guidelines but not give real solutions I can't image putting the needs of one family member over the needs of any other. There has to be a balance. I can't see going years with no sleep because I'm afraid to let my child cry. Of course I don't want to let him cry if it's not necessary but it can also be like stifling his voice. Sure, if your child is used to something making a change can be difficult but because there is crying involved that doesn't make it wrong or bad in anyway. I cry and it's a good thing. When a child cries it can be a good thing as well. It can easily be said they me and my views don't belong on this board. I'm sure there are many people who would second and third that motion. But I would hope that there would be more open minds and more mutual support to moms that tearing things apart. Many people on this board feel very strongly. There is nothing wrong with that. I would just hope that along with strong personal feelings there would be allowances for others to have different ones. Someone said it's the mothers that are going to change the world - end wars, hunger etc... I don't even see the beginning of that happening very often here where you think it would - with people who love and care about their children so much. Sometimes solutions to problems are not easy. That's why there is a problem to begin with.
post #9 of 18
never mind....

let's feel the MDC love, instead of knocking and name-calling the MDC mamas, K?
post #10 of 18
Thread Starter 
I just have to speak up here. I asked for advice, and was given some by everyone who wrote in. I really appreciate the advice whether it is AP or not, simply because it shows that people care enough to offer advice. No, CIO isn't the option I am looking for, but I don't have to take that advice. I wonder if this would really be a discusion if everyone agreed to the same thing? I embrace many, if not all, aspects of NFL and AP, but I am comfortable with the fact that some people only embrace parts of it, and if we discourage those people from MDC, we may be discouraging them from being exposed to our ideals as well.
post #11 of 18
Quote:
Originally Posted by race_kelly
I embrace many, if not all, aspects of NFL and AP, but I am comfortable with the fact that some people only embrace parts of it, and if we discourage those people from MDC, we may be discouraging them from being exposed to our ideals as well.

I am too, and your point is taken. Sorry to hijack your thread. I just felt kind of offended by Vicitoria's post. She made some disparaging remarks about MDC and the mamas here. That hurts because this is my refuge. But, I don't come here to argue, like I said, so I am deleting most of my post. I do think we need to support each other even when we don't agree. I just get really sad when I see CIO advocacy here because I get that all the time in my daily life.
post #12 of 18
what a place to be in. it does eventually end.
what workedfor us was moving a twin into our room and dh and i took turns with out queen and the twin with the boys. usually whomever got the queen got the boys and i loved a twin bed alone

with a light sleeper like yours it might mean you and dh splitting up at night for a few weeks. at least until those teeth come in. you may find that by meeting his needs now and not haivng him alone at night he will sleep all hte way through soon. my now 3 yo was that way. if he slept with me, he did not wake up- or wake me up all night. if he slept in his bed (in my room or his) he woke at least once. 4x a night was when i was trying not to sleep at all with him.
post #13 of 18
Thread Starter 
I think that you are probably right. I know that my 4 and 6 year olds now sleep through the night, no problem, and don't even ask to come in our bed except in the morning when they wake up for snuggle time, my favorite part of the day. All five of us snuggling wrestling and talking. I guess it is a part time family bed. When one is sick or scared I usually go to their bed, funny thing is it is the bed that I grew up sleeping in!! I really think that they are so good in their beds, because they know if they ask, they can come in ours. I feel a little guilty about having moved ds to his own room after I got pregnant, I just thought he'd sleep better if I didn't have to stumble by his bed a million times a night to pee. But now that isn't an issue. I do think that this will probably pass with his teeth coming in, so it doesn't bother me to spend time away from dh at night, since he has allergies and is snoring up a storm right now anyway!!!
post #14 of 18
Once again, didn't mean to offend anyone. Not telling anyone what to do. I'm a momma here as well so it does go both ways. I'm not coming here to make a fuss either. Free your mind and the rest will follow.
post #15 of 18
Quote:
Many people on this board feel very strongly. There is nothing wrong with that. I would just hope that along with strong personal feelings there would be allowances for others to have different ones.
Yes there are strong feelings here on this board.
There are a gazillion other boards on the internet where the OP could have gone to ask her question knowing that she would have gotten mainstream advice. MDC is one of very few boards advocating NFL and AP families and mothering. I believe that if someone is asking a question for advice on THIS board, they are looking for an AP or NFL answer. If they are looking for a mainstream answer like CIO etc, there are other boards they can go to. I would not expect to go to a mainstream board, ask a question about vaccination schedules and be told to not vax my child and the harm of thimerasol, aluminum etc.

Peggy has said several times that we cannot be all things to all people. When we try, our message gets diluted.

I think the mommas here are very openminded, if they weren't they would be on the mainstream boards following the herd. It takes courage, openmindedness and a willingness to learn to do what you know is right for your child, especially when it goes against the grain.

Just my pitiful $.02
Gossamer
post #16 of 18
Children wake for *many* reasons. They have to go to the bathroom, they have growing pains, they have night terrors, changes in enviroment, stress OR they could just be a really light sleeper.

race_kelly I think you are on the right track...it could very easily be the things you mentioned, it sounds like you are doing a fantastic job and I am sure the three of you will get through this stage together!

One does wish, occasionally there was a magic method that worked, children are individuals with unique needs in unique situations. It is not fair, IMO to expect them to have the sleeping habits and coping skills of an adult. They are children and should be treated as such. They have needs regardless of the time. I hold my daughter when she cries...does time really matter when they need you?...she even holds me sometimes in return.

Like gossamer stated, Mothering holds certain values and those are projected on this site. We just cannot be everything...it would not uphold the values of the magazine this board was created to reflect.
post #17 of 18
Quote:
Originally Posted by gossamer
I think the mommas here are very openminded, if they weren't they would be on the mainstream boards following the herd. It takes courage, openmindedness and a willingness to learn to do what you know is right for your child, especially when it goes against the grain.

Just my pitiful $.02
Gossamer
Not pitiful at all, Gossamer.
post #18 of 18
Quote:
Originally Posted by race_kelly
He has also recently found a blanket that I made that he really seems to like. I think I will make a point of putting it in the crib with him.

If none of that works, I may try sleeping on the futon in his room for awhile and see if that will help.
I was just going to suggest this. Both my older girls have a doll and a blanket. Sometimes I hear one or the other moan and by the time I get to the room (30 seconds??) they are all snuggled down with their lovey.
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