anyone else feel highly underappreciated? - Page 2

[MomBirthmomStepmom]

I'm so appreciative for the replies and advice I've gotten. It truly means SO much to me.

I'm looking into some things around here. I found an AL-ANON meeting just down the street from me, and if I'm honest, I think it might be a good place to start.

Also, we have relatively new neighbors downstairs who just had a baby 4 days ago. I put together a small giftbag and bought her some flowers, and took the initiative last night to try to make some friends It's all new to me, so I know it'll be hard, but I can do it

One problem I have, is my SO has this 'kids will think what kids think' attitude, and doesn't seem to think it's our responsibility to necessarily change that. Last night, my step-son told me he 'works' more than I do because he goes to school 5 days a week, and I only work outside the home 2 days a week (10 hours total). I was pretty hurt, and kinda snapped back that I work everyday, my work doesn't end when he and his father come home etc. But theirs does.

So, I told my SO about that last night, and his only response was that it's 'okay' because 'he's 9, and I thought that stuff too when I was 9'... I just don't see why that should mean we can't TEACH him even though he THINKS it, it's WRONG.

I dunno, I was starting to feel like my SO might be starting to 'get it', but when it comes down to it... I don't think he ever will...

[lauraess]

mombirthmomstepmom> Yay for you for the thoughts about the meeting and your neighbor.... stay with it... keep going in that direction!
I bet a lot of nine year olds are apt to say things like that to their 'step-person' or even their parent. I guess they're starting to get to the age when they think they've about got it all figured out or at least want to appear that way. In any case, dont let it get to you and I wouldnt expend so much energy trying to convince him otherwise. It's not to say I dont appreciate your intention here. Maybe when you begin to involve him in some of the household chores (maybe you already do) he could understand a bit more the place your coming from but hey.... again---- They just dont/wont get it until they're in our shoes : sons, daughters, SO's, dh, friends without children.
keep strong mama!
~L

[Goldenlover]

yes it is tough but u do what you have to do kwim

whenever I feel this way I talk to my hubby and tell him

[MomBirthmomStepmom]

So Friday, I forced myself to just stop. I did the essentials, laundry, cooking and most of the dishes, but didn't really straighten too much or vacuum or that kinda of stuff, just kept it basic. I had to work on Saturday, I work outside for 5 hours straight, and it was supposed to be 94 degrees, I don't have shade where I work, so I really just wanted to take a break Friday.

Friday night, about 10pm, my SO and I sit down to watch a monie before bed, and he sayd (I thought, jokingly), 'didn't really clean today, did you?', I said no, and told him I needed a break. He then goes on about how it made him a bit mad, cause I had all day to do that stuff etc etc.

So, I just went off to the bedroom and cried for a bit. It just felt like he was telling me I didn't deserve ONE day off. It felt like he was telling me I was lazy etc, for taking a break for ONE day. And it's not like I did nothing, I still did 3 loads of laundry (wash, dry, fold and put away), still did most of the dishes, took care of my daughter all day (he stayed home from work sick that day, and slept most of the day)... I didn't do 'nothing'...

But he just still doesn't get it.

So, I stopped cring, got up, fished the dishes, straightened the floor, cleaned up the rest of the way, got done at about 11pm, then sat and forced myself to finish watching the movie with him.

All he could say was that he was 'sorry for whatever made me mad'... He just doesn't get it, and I'm convinced never will...

[RedWine]

Originally Posted by MomBirthmomStepmom

He just doesn't get it, and I'm convinced never will...

First of all,

Second -- no, he doesn't get it. See lauraess' right-on-the-money response above.

But know you're not alone. My husband is a wonderful, kind, loving, patient, beautiful hunk of a man. I love him with all my heart. But he doesn't get it either. You know why? Because he's not the one doing it.

And to be fair, I didn't get it either, not until I had children and became a SAH mom. I had NO IDEA how much work this is! And you know what, I consider my job to be taking care of the kids, not housework. I get done whatever I get done, and the house is fairly striaght -- but it comes second to interacting directly with my kids. And on the weekends, what needs to be done is shared between my husband and I. I have told him, loud and clear, that this is all more work than he can imagine, and that when he's home we BOTH will do things around the house, not just me. And that's what happens, mainly because I become very grumpy if it does not.

[quelindo]

I'm not yet a mom (I'm pregnant with my first), but I pretty much do EVERYTHING around the house unless I ask for help. I was feeling very overwhelmed and thought that although DH seemed to appreciate some of the things I did, he didn't really GET all the stuff I do around here.

So, I sat down and made a HUGE list of all the things I do, down to the littlest thing. It included things like keeping a calendar for the family, picking out/buying/wrapping presents, keeping track of the car maintenance schedules, researching and buying non-food items for the house when needed, etc., in addition to the usual grocery shopping, cleaning and laundry.

I think it was an eye-opener for him, and I've felt much more validated since he read it.

[lauraess]

mombirthmomstepmom: so many of them dont get it but that doesnt mean they question mom. I may be off the mark but I would mostly not take a question like that very well. I might respond with " you question what i didnt do but are clueless as to what I DO do everyday".
by the sounds of your post it seems as if the usual is to do all the stuff and the vacuuming and the childcare, ??
Mama, You will always keep getting the same thing if you dont make an attempt to stand up for yourself. Dont cry in the bedroom. Is this SO anyone you can be truly intimate with? You know, non-sexual, sharing feelings? What are you trying to prove by going back at 10 at nite and fixing up??? Stick to your guns next-time. Dont take the same c#$% women have always had to without being regarded as more than a cleaner and cooker!!!
I hope i am not out of line. Maybe Im not anywhere in the ball-park as to what the real situation is... just a BIG hunch.
Hang in there.. keep trying... it's a process.
~L

[MomBirthmomStepmom]

Well, this all resulted in a nice big arguement, that I'm embarrassed to say had my SO calling my 'irresonpsible' and yelling at me in front of the kids How he thought that would help 'motivate' me, I have no idea, but all it did was make me angry with him, and just so sad for my kids.

Anyway, seems he was pissed that I hadn't vacuumed since Thursday (shockhorrorgasp!!!), nevermind the fact that his ONLY 'chore' around the house is to take out the trash, and there's been ALL the trash and this HUGE box (we bought a new computer monitor), sitting in my living room since, I dunno, Wednesday, Tuesday maybe?!?! Anyway, still wondering where he gets off being angry about that.

So I go to work yesterday, come home and he acts like nothing happened. Hasn't brought it up, has been acting affectionately etc etc. I don't get it, and quite frankly am too fed up to even try right now.

I'm doing my normal cleaning today. Someone asked what I was trying to prove by cleaning 10pm Friday night, and well what was I trying to prove? I was trying to prove to myself that I wasn't as lazy as he was making me feel I was.... Yup, that's it. Stupid way to do it, I know... But, I had to.

Like today, if I don't clean every inch of my home, I will sit back and feel defeated. Like he was right, like I am lazy, and irresponsible etc etc.

I'm just frustrated with taking care of our kids alone. It took 4 people to make these children (each from a previous marriage), and my SO and I are the only ones actually raising them. I work my @ss off to keep a clean home, do the laundry DAILY, cook good healthy meals for these kids. Then work every weekend for the 'grocery account' (my paycheck is the grocery money). Yet, my step-son's mom hardly pays a dime (she's down to $40 every other week... I make more than that in 1 day, but she thinks it's enough), and my daughter's father is pushing to terminate his parental rights.

Where has my mind gone??? Why am I so angry and hurt over things I can't control?? Why do I let these things get to me???

I just need to stop, and worry about what I can control, but I don't know how to do that. Just seems like when I do, I'll jus tget yelled at for not vacuuming

But, on a whole, I'm realziing, the ONE day I stopped and didn't do much, he noticed... So, maybe he DOES see the things I do, since he notices so quickly when I don't. Just wish he knew that encouraging and supporting are better ways to help me get through the day...

[lauraess]

mombirthmomstepmom> You are really overwhelmed right now and I hope you get a chance to go to that meeting you mentioned or some other. Talking about things and getting other perspectives is great.
I wish you didnt feel like you had to prove you werent lazy for not cleaning so much. I'm quite sure you do plenty. I just have a real problem with men who think their homes should be spotless or near spotless when they dont even spend much time there. Sure i understand they come home to it and it belongs to them but When they look at you like you're the maid, well . Not saying that's the case here. You must be the judge of that.
His "irresponsible" remark should be addressed i think.
Believe mama in yourself and listen to your heart. You arent What you do, whether you do it or not. You are a mama and so should be heard and honored
~L

[FireWithin]

When DS was approx 8 months old, I was feeling really underappreciated as a SAHM and as a wife. DH just didn't get it, and I could tell he was blaming me for his confused feelings he was having about life. He was disconnected from me and feeling really well actually not much towards me. (normal new father feelings that were being displaced on me/meshed with his normal bouts of depression)
so what I did was after I put DS to sleep. We had a mini fight and I said I was leaving, he needed to understand what it would feel like to be a single father because if life continued as it was, I refused to live that way.
As I walked out the door I told him that there was breastmilk in the fridge that he could give DS in the morning and told him good luck. (I only intended on being gone for a few hours but had no intention of telling him that )

I hung outside of a dunkin donuts in my car reading a magazine, fuming.

At four in the morning I showed up. DH forlornly popping cheerios in DS's crying mouth, saying "yes I want mama back too."

Somehow in those 5 hours he feared that I wasn't coming back, he realized how much I meant to him. Since then life has been much, much better.


****I am in no way suggesting that other mamas should do this, but it was a good wake up call for my DH.****

[lauraess]

Mammo2sammo> I see absolutely nothing wrong with what you did. -Parenthood brings out tumultuous times and crazy things happen-. We're cut from the same shaft of wheat mama! The parking lot of Dunkin Donuts is one of my favorite 'getaways'!!! :LOL ---Well to be honest I must go through the drive-thru and hang out in another parking lot so im not tempted to go back for more!
~L