Galatea, I'm not sure if you were responding to my post or just to the thread in general, but either way I thought maybe I would clarify my thoughts a little bit. I do think that guilt (and sadness, anger, etc.) can be a productive and healthy feeling. I think it can give impetus to change, and I think that's the purpose of guilt--to let us know when something's not quite right so we can make the necessary changes. I just think that guilt has to stem from within the person experiencing it. I think it's right to present facts or to teach truth, but it's a really fine line when we think we know enough about another person to know how they should feel about those facts/truth. One of the reasons I think "Bottlefeeding Without Guilt" is such an awful book is precisely because it tells women what they "shouldn't" feel. It messes with those normal and healthy feelings that our consciences give us--that inner feedback loop.
When I talk about the "should statements" being damaging, it's because the person is feeling something that they think they shouldn't be feeling, or because they aren't feeling something that they think they should be feeling. If a woman were feeling guilty for not bf'ing, whether the guilt was warranted or not, it is not helpful to keep focused on whether she should or shouldn't feel that way. It is helpful to acknowledge that she does feel that way and then determine how she can deal with those feelings and change things for the future. "Bottlefeeding Without Guilt" would take the position of telling her she "shouldn't" feel guilty in the first place, which would obviously negate a whole opportunity for change and growth through justifying a bad decision. On the other hand, if the woman is not feeling guilty in the first place, I'm not sure it does any good to try to make her feel that way. If anything, such attempts will drive her further away from making changes in the future. At the same time, I have heard a number of times in this thread and other threads that a woman who truly couldn't bf "shouldn't" feel guilty. But the fact is, she does. She has to start by accepting what she is feeling and then deciding how to work through it, and it often doesn't help to have people telling her that she shouldn't feel the way she does.
Technically this is true. Even a woman who had legitimate reasons to stop bf'ing would most likely (especially if she values NFL/AP principles) not be proud of stopping, even if she knew it were the best decision for her situation. But I think it's important to note that guilt is not always so simple as "doing something bad/wrong=feeling guilty". Sometimes there are other complex issues going on below the surface that can bring on guilt, when even to outsiders it would appear that the guilt is not warranted--even when the person herself knows it is not warranted.
I don't think bf'ing advocates need to water down the facts in order to avoid people's guilt. Again, it just happens. It's really that person's issue to work through. And, I don't think advocates need to be vindictive either. Luckily, very few are.
When I talk about the "should statements" being damaging, it's because the person is feeling something that they think they shouldn't be feeling, or because they aren't feeling something that they think they should be feeling. If a woman were feeling guilty for not bf'ing, whether the guilt was warranted or not, it is not helpful to keep focused on whether she should or shouldn't feel that way. It is helpful to acknowledge that she does feel that way and then determine how she can deal with those feelings and change things for the future. "Bottlefeeding Without Guilt" would take the position of telling her she "shouldn't" feel guilty in the first place, which would obviously negate a whole opportunity for change and growth through justifying a bad decision. On the other hand, if the woman is not feeling guilty in the first place, I'm not sure it does any good to try to make her feel that way. If anything, such attempts will drive her further away from making changes in the future. At the same time, I have heard a number of times in this thread and other threads that a woman who truly couldn't bf "shouldn't" feel guilty. But the fact is, she does. She has to start by accepting what she is feeling and then deciding how to work through it, and it often doesn't help to have people telling her that she shouldn't feel the way she does.
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Originally Posted by Galatea
Guilt is an emotion that you feel on your own b/c you know deep inside you did something that you are not proud of.
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I don't think bf'ing advocates need to water down the facts in order to avoid people's guilt. Again, it just happens. It's really that person's issue to work through. And, I don't think advocates need to be vindictive either. Luckily, very few are.
In looking at the individual quotes objectively and critically, it was obvious that they were taken out of context. But it could look pretty convincing to a reader who wasn't paying careful attention.
