child abuse trauma + childbirth trauma

[mandalamama]

i know there's an abuse survivor's forum, but i don't qualify to join it until i've been here a year, and some issues are just building up inside me, bigger and bigger, i really need to talk. and i thought perhaps some others might have the same issues, but not qualified for the new forum, so this can be a thread for those who are waiting.

i had a LOT of issues with internal exams, especially with speculums. i did everything i could to avoid exams, up to taking my doula in with me for all of my final visits! she didn't speak for me, but her presence gave me the courage to speak up for myself and refuse the exams. before that, they'd made it seem like internals were mandatory and i couldn't refuse, and it was horrifying, i felt violated.

it's a good thing i got so scared, it forced me to open my eyes and study how birth is supposed to be (natural and healthy!), to get a doula, to make a good birth plan, to hold my ground on a lot of things. by the time we got to the hospital, the whole labor floor knew me by reputation and just cleared out of my way i got a labor nurse that was pro-natural and she made sure no one else came in or offered me pain meds or interfered with my moving around. so that wasn't the traumatic part, actually, labor was the most beautiful, power thing i've ever experienced and i am grateful every day that i got to experience "dancing" with my daughter

i keep having nightmares about the c-birth. it was necessary, and i had time to decide, so that's not the problem. it's the fact that the spinal worked TOO well and i was completely numb and paralyzed ... i was very out of it, floaty, half-conscious ... so literally the baby was inside me one moment and i was still dancing with her, and then she was just ... GONE it's the stuff of my childhood, i had an abusive, controlling father, he was one of those parents that would punish me by making things i loved disappear, including live animals. i'd wake up, they'd just be gone, and he'd done it because of ME. so you can see the associations i'm dealing with

it's been 7 months now. i am at peace with why i needed a c-birth. i co-sleep with my daughter, she starts out in her mini-co-sleeper beside the bed but after waking to eat, sleeps in my arms the rest of the night. the last month or so, i've started having these horrible nightmares ... i dream that i wake up, and she's not in my arms! that someone has come in and taken her. i scream and panic and try to look for her, but i'm paralyzed, i can't move. i'm convinced it's my dad that took her. i scream. then i wake up for real, and she's right there in my arms, still asleep, i haven't even made a sound to wake her up.

i'm having the nightmare EVERY morning now. EVERY time i fall asleep with her in my arms. but i don't want to put her in the co-sleeper, she loves to sleep with me and she sleeps so much better!

anyway. that's how my childhood and my childbirth are tied together. does anyone else have this connection? how do you deal with it?

[Artisan]

I don't have any advice for you, but just wanted to give you a

[MaT]

hi mellybean, i'm glad you started this thread. i'm like you, in that i don't qualify for the survivor abuse thread. i too find that my childhood traumas are surfacing again due to my daughters birth.

i feel for you. i hope you have someone you trust you can fully share your feelings with. help to let them out. i hope this forum helps.

myself, i found dd's first year with us brought up so many terrifying feelings for me in regards to my mother, family in general, trust issues. although there were years where i refused contact with my mother and family, the last few years we have re-established regular communication. of course she expected full on admittance into our lives as darling grandma, but i found it very very hard. i know she found my behaviour pretty hard too.

many times i wanted to break off our communication because i was so overwhelmed with very difficult feelings: anger, fear, saddness. my inner child was freaking out.as an adult i suddenly felt i no longer had the personal power and authority in my life. suddenly i was competition with my mother over what was best for my child. there were alot of power struggles betwen us. it was so painful to see my mother hold my daughter. i don't trust her. she is not a gentle woman....

now two years into my daughter's life, things are easier. i've "found myself" as a mother. dealing with my mother, i try, often without success to stay in the present and deal with issues between us as they come up. but its hard.
luckily i also have an amazing sister who has a 10 yr old ds, and knows more than i how challenging it can all be. she helps me alot. we both try to find peace within ourselves through our spiritual practice.

i think having children will certainly bring up all of our pain over and over again. each time it gets a little lighter and lighter.personally, i know being an infant was a very hard time for me. i know i felt very lonely and unloved.

again, i'm glad you opened this thread. its my beleif that having children is an incredibly opening and healing experience, over and over again.

peace to you and your family

[mom2threenurslings]

Melly and MaT!

I was abused (phycially, emotionally, mentally, sexually) from ages 12-19. Horrific things happened to me during that period of time and as a result I've been diagnosed with PTSD, DID, and OCD along with anxiety and depressive disorders. These effect my daily life, although most of it doesn't show and is under control without meds.

As for the abuse having an effect on my childbirth experiences and my parenting....hmmmm....

Exams were always difficult for me when performed by a man. I usually dissociate during them, which makes it "easier" for me (although not healthier in the grand scheme of things). I saw male obs with my two ds's and had a difficult time refusing exams. I felt completely powerless during my first birth experience (pit/epi/efm/"forced" to stay in bed) and at the time believed I had to do what the OB told me to do. I felt completely violated when, during the birth, he didn't give me a chance to decline an episiotomy. It was an extremely traumatic experience for me because I was so scared of the pain I was feeling, as well as being scared of the OB. I was too tense, to anxious, too much anticipating that the feelings of birth would cause flashbacks to the abuse or something similar. My babe was born blue and lifeless and spent 3 hours in Special Care. During those 3 hours something came alive in me that had been almost killed by the abuse...and I fought for my child and myself from that moment on. I sought empowerment before my next birth and had the birth I wanted, except for its location (hospital).

With my dd's birth I sought out a midwife and had a birth center waterbirth...beautiful and serene. The only internal I had was by my midwife at my request. I felt much more relaxed with my midwife...a woman who got to know me throughout my pregnacy, who respected, supported and empowered me...who was as hands-off as I needed her to be.

With this baby I'll be having a homebirth. My midwives will be there just in case ... I plan to birth this baby and catch this baby myself.

Each pregnancy and birth have been healing experiences to me. They have tought me to value my body and my self. For me birth no longer has any connection with abuse or feelings of abuse...it is a beautiful, serene, empowering event that I'm blessed to be able to experience.

I still check to see that my children are breathing several times a night. (For that matter, I check to make sure dh is breathing, too!) I'm all too aware of the number of "bad people" out there and am very protective of my kids. It's difficult for me to find a balance between keeping my children safe and letting them have their freedom ...and my oldest is only 6! I often have nightmares of people stalking me/my kids ... people stealing my kids...my kids being in trouble and me not being able to get to them...my kids being abused and no one believing or helping me to help them...etc.

Some good things that comes from this is that I am very in tune with my children, I research the best/most natural options in childbirth, parenting, living, etc, and that my kids will (hopefully!) grow up with a self-confidence and self-love that I lacked.

[Cullens_Girl]

I don't want to get into details in this public forum but just wanted to offer you hugs. I 100% relate to what you are going through.

[kavamamakava]

Melly, do you think this could be related to the issues you are dealing with in regards to your husband and his possessive feelings about the baby?

I haven't been a member long enough to join the other forum either. But I don't really want to talk about myself in public. heh.

[NoraB]

I am an abuse survivor as well. It's not something I talk about very often.

I know that my experience of abuse led to much of my traumatic response to the c/s I had w/ my DD (I still can't call it a c-birth yet). I had what could probably have been diagnosed as PTSD after the surgery. I had a very time healing emotionally from it. Currently, I'm working through these issues and their impact on prenancy and childbirth using 2 books (Birth from Within and An Easier Childbirth). I'm hoping for a bit more resolution before the VBAC of this baby.

I have found parenting to be remarkably healing for me. I still have irrational fears about losng my child (and It too check that DD's still breathing several times when she's sleeping at night or napping). Over the last 3 years, though, I have developed a sense of wonder and resepect for myself as a mother (and as a person). I have been strongly committed to AP/GD. Though I am hardly perfect, I have so far done what I consider to be a pretty durn good job. Seeing my child blossom into a loving person who reflects the goodness around her, has done my heart incalculable good. Of all that was stolen from me as a child, this has not been stolen. I can be the kind of parent I dream of being despite what was done to me as a child. I grow a little more confident each day.

Hugs.

[applejuice]

s:

Sorry this happened to you!

:

: Hope for the future!