Budgeting to Financially Support Extended Family…

[IdentityCrisisMama]

How do you all budget for supporting your parents? Was it strange to discuss supporting our inlaws or DP’s inlaws? What about siblings?

DH and I have been talking about money. This forced us to really think about what’s important to us. Turns out, I’m attached to the idea of being able to support my mother when she gets older and I’d like to support my sisters a little through college.

I’m curious to know how this works in your families.

[member]

Ever since I've had money of my own coming in, I've been expected to help less-fortunate family members out. I regularly send my gram (who is raising three of my cousins) a check to help her out with rent and food. I expect to do the same with my mama when she is older and not working.

It's a familial and cultural expectation so DP and I make it work, just like budgeting for another expense.

[IdentityCrisisMama]

I’m new to this because, in my extended family, most people financially support only their kids and grandkids.

Does support for your “side” of the family come out of your earnings, savings or share of the family money?

[calpurnia]

I don't support family members yet but I expect to.

My parents support my paternal grandparents, my uncle & one of my cousins. It comes out of the family pot as just one of the things that has to go out each month. In fact I think it's even a direct debit, like the utility bills.

It's interesting, isn't it? Kinship/money stuff I mean.

[captain crunchy]

I am going to sound like such an ass but...

I am really lucky and thankful that my husband and I both have sisters (respectively) who are really stable and have nice homes and all that---so they kind of have taken on the responsibility of supporting family...

Well, with my parents, my stepdad has a huge retirement and pention because he has worked for the same company for like 40 years so if something happened to him...my mom would be fine financially, but as far as someone to live with (if she chose that)...we only have a two bedroom apartment and my sis has a 5 bedroom house.. you do the math..

If something happens to my mom, while I care about my stepdad, his children would probably take care of him,,,but again, they wouldn't have to financially thanks to his retirement thing....

with my hubby, his sister has already made arragements for his mom to live with her in the event something happens to his dad....though we would *try* to help her financially-- but we really wouldn't need to as she gets social security which isn't a whole lot but living with his sister, she would have more than enough (because no rent)

now if something happened to his mom and not his dad, I dunno exactly what his dad would do, but he ain't living here :LOL sounds so harsh I know, but you don't know his dad...seriously...

Now if everyone lives and grows really old ...they all have means to take care of eachother at least financially...

man, i hate thinkin about this stuff....

[member]

Originally Posted by IdentityCrisisMama

Does support for your “side” of the family come out of your earnings, savings or share of the family money?

DP and I only give money to my family. His family is very financially secure. It comes from our earnings, sometimes his and sometimes mine.

[DebraBaker]

My parents and FIL are in good financial shape but my MIL has made really stupid poor choices throughout her life. She has asked her children to support her financially but none of us feel obligated to support her because, first, she is a money vampire, just sucks money dry at any opportunity. Second, she has made really crappy choices (consistantly crappy) throughout her adult life and us throwing money at her isn't going to help.

Sooooooo, what I have done for her is get her into a really good senior housing. We live in a wealthy suburb and one of the tract housing communities has sponsored a senior apartment building that is subsidized by HUD and the county version of HUD. It is literally luxury subsidized senior apartment. She pays (I believe) $405/month. She gets social security (but, again, because she makes stupid financial decisions not full benefits because she retired early) She gets medical coverage and food stamps (and every other handout) We give her gift cirtificates for her birthday and christmas, etc. so she can buy things she needs.

I think my BILs get more pressure from her because they're wealthy and live the life, dh and I are comfortible but we live below our means and have a lot of kids so we don't get poormouthed as much (if you know what I mean)

I would be much more sympathetic and supportive if she became destitute through no fault of her own.

Debra Baker

[tempestjewel]

We budget to support extended family. My DH was born in Thailand and brought over here by his aunt and uncle (his uncle is from the USA), but his parents are still living in a rural village in Thailand. They have minimal healthcare and minimal access to healthcare and have lived hard lives, so sending them money is the right thing to do for our family. We budget it like any other expense. We don't have much, but compared to what they live through it feels selfish if we were to do nothing. We've also given DH's sister money when she needed it. My side of the family is pretty much independent of each other, but I like how his culture is much more interconnected. Family is the most important thing. We know, though, that the money isn't going to be wasted but is appreciated and used wisely, so there aren't as many issues in giving it.

[velochic]

My mother lives with us. We planned on this happening for a while and tried to do long-term budgeting for this. We also supported dh's family in Turkey for 3 years when they were having a rough time - this was about 4 years ago. You are right - it's truly all about budgeting, but it's also about cutting back, getting debt-free, and prioritizing. We used to live in Germany, and life was a little sweeter then, but we now have to face the cold harsh reality of a bozo in the White House and a sagging US economy. It's not easy to support your own family in these times, let alone another family member, but it can be done.

Assuming a house mortgage is not a debt, but an investment, we are debt-free and that has been single-handedly the most important aspect to affording to help family. No credit card debt, no car payments, no other loans. We have dd's (3 years old) college paid for with 529 investments and we invest every month in our retirement. We bought my mother a new, reliable car 5 years ago and we drive the old, less reliable cars. If we are ever in a bind, we have mom's car to fall back to. We also live in a nice house, but one that costs about 1/4 of what the bank says we can afford. I think a lot of people buy what they can "afford", but that makes them house-poor. I shop thrift when I can and we have a "food" budget that we try to stick to. We don't eat out a lot, which allows more for groceries. We try to make mom as much a part of the family as we can, but she has her debt from years ago, so we do "pay" her $500 to supplement her social security. In general, we're just careful. We also spent our early years making sure we have a savings account to fall back on and we try to keep that at around 30K or so for peace of mind. That's all I can think of now. But thinking long-term and budgeting accordingly has been a really big help.

ETA - I have two sisters who are not only furious that my mother lives with us, but has not given her a dime to help her with anything... ever. Don't count on siblings for any help. I think it's wonderful that you would want to help your sisters. I know mine would never lift a finger to help me.

[phathui5]

My parents have planned well financially and will be set through their retirement years. It'll be them leaving us money one day, not us figuring out how to help them. I'm so glad they did that. I think one of a parents biggest financial responsibilities towards their children, way more than paying for college, is making sure that your children won't be paying your bills later on.

[IdentityCrisisMama]

Originally Posted by phathui5

My parents have planned well financially and will be set through their retirement years. It'll be them leaving us money one day, not us figuring out how to help them. I'm so glad they did that. I think one of a parents biggest financial responsibilities towards their children, way more than paying for college, is making sure that your children won't be paying your bills later on.

My mom is in the Baltimore area. I know that in part of that community, taking care of one’s self after retirement is highly valued. I, personally, value other financial things for my mother more than her being financially independent. My mom, a freelance artist and step-dad (neither have a college degree) are helping to put three kids through uni ~ Georgetown, MICA and La Salle! The way I see it, they are nurturing and supporting my lifelong companions. Plus, my sisters all have large scholarships so it makes long term financial sense for my mom and step-dad to sacrifice now.


The other issue is how someone views independence. I’m tired of feeling like I should or other people should be independent. My parents never gave me the impression that I should be independent of them and I so cherish that. They taught me that supporting family is a positive thing. Maybe the idea that I can and should depend on others when I need it has trickled down to me feeling this way about my parents.


Either way, it works for me. It’s actually a positive thing for me and definitely not something I resent. As time passes, I’m actually feeling grateful for the opportunity. So, for me, it’s not something that I feel was my parents responsibility to shield me from.

[tamaralv]

We also budget money to send annually to my FIL, who lives abroad. All DH's siblings (who can afford it) help with that. We are not able to send as much as we once did, but basically when we realized FIL needed help we decided to cut back on spending (in our case, eating out) and use that money for family. We also bought a house with an extra bedroom "just in case" room is needed for an additional family memebr.

Tamara

[AngelBee]

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[tamaralv]

Oh, and I forgot to add, we haven't talked about it yet, but I do assume we'll need to support SIL later on down the road. She is also abroad, so luckily our money goes further for her than it would here (in US).

DH and I never thought twice about helping his father. Your parents raise you, and it is your job to make sure they are all right later on down the road. As for siblings - well, you go where your heart takes you. I will give what I can, when I can. We try to save money for whatever comes up later on down the road.

Tamara

[MamaMonica]

I think it's admirable to support family members, whether parents, children siblings or others who are in need. Right now we don't need to- but should the need arise, this is what my family has always done for one another. With my grandparents, it was more physical care when they got older. I think it is part of the budget if it should be needed.

[Belleweather]

We're the 'financially well off' siblings in both DH's and my family. My mother has pretty substantial resources and probably wouldn't need help, but we would help her in an instant if she ever did need it because she's been so kind about helping us when we've been in need of a hand. And since she doesn't need *financial* help, we go out of our way to help her in the ways she does need -- we go up to help with the house, and her computer, and all that stuff. Mom also helps my sister, who is dealing with severe depression, but we really expect that at some point we'll step in and take that over too... although she seems to be doing a lot better now and might be starting college in the fall! (It's a big step for her). DH also has an aunt who has been like a fairy godmother to him since he was small, and we would love to be able to help her as well. Again, she's not in a position where she needs much money, but might be later.

When I talked to a financial planner about all of this, we decided it would be wise to plan for it like we would any other expense, so we'll be putting away a percentage of my paycheck in a fund for these kind of issues. It will start out small when we have kids and student loans to worry about, and then increase by a fixed percentage as we age so that by the time that Mom, Sis, or Auntie need money there is something there and we don't have to worry.

DH's parents, on the other hand, has repeatedly told us that they're not willing to help us -- even though they can, even when the need was small and urgent, and even when it wasn't something we could just 'do without'. His parents have also said to us that because of our careers they *expect* us to support them in their old age. I know it seems cold, but I would be very unwilling to step in and support them in anything but an emergency situation becuase of the way they seem to feel entitled to the money I would earn from my own hard work. They haven't saved for retirement based on their assumption that we're going to support them, and BIL isn't willing or in any kind of position to help them at all. I'm really concerned about what is going to happen to them in the future.

[zoooteacher]

We have an open door policy to friends and family - though my mom and dad and our in laws probably have the savings to help us out with household costs once they move in, we certainly expect them to move in if and when they need the care. It's up to them though - my mom I think would rather hold onto her own place as long as possible. (DH is an only child, and my brother has a lot of issues with drugs/lying/codependency...he's still dependent ON my parents and lives in their basement....) My dad will be an awesome grandpa in a few weeks and having him here full time when the kids are older would be great for all concerned.

[Jane]

We tried to help my failing in-laws with money, but it's a pit too large to fill up. We just cannot afford it - it would be about $100,000 to get them out of the hole they are in financially. We just do not have it.
But we would be able to support them financially if there were no rent/mortgage issues. So we purchased a home that has a partially finished daylight basement. We could make it a duplex and they could live there. I feel awful that I am awaiting the day of their forclosure and bankruptcy, but that's what we have to do. We cannot afford to keep them in the lifestyle to which they want to become accustomed. So, they'll do that as long as they can, then we'll do what we can.
I think part of the problem is that I do not share their dream. I don't want to live on 5 acres in the middle of nowhere, so it's hard to help with that.

[umbrella]

I think we're going to end up supporting MIL. However, should that happen, I wouldn't feel bad asking BIL for a little help in that area.

[suwannee]

This is a major issue for us. MIL is a nutjob who has a degree in architecture so she COULD be earning good money. Instead she cant finish any project and is continually fired. Every time she gets fired she decides to take broadcast journalism lessons to become the next Barbara Walters or she goes into major debt launching a clothing line or writing a book or a screenplay or some other narcissistic idea that will bring her fortune and fame. After cashing in DH's college savings fund ( the deal with his parent's divorce was that she would pay for his college and his dad would pay for his upbringing) when he was 16, she had the nerve to borrow money from him while he was putting himself through college. She never paid it back either. DH is one day going to have a great career- he has told me he thinks she is just waiting for him to finish school so she can hop on the breadwagon.

On the other hand, his grandparents are in their late 70s and still work. They live in a very old house that needs major repairs. I look forward to being able to help them out.