Hello to all,
I have been a longtime lurker and posted a reply-once. I was in a relationship with boyfriend for 6 months when I got pregnant-I was 32 so, I decided to have her. I was planning to leave the relationship at that point bc of serious verbal/emotional abuse but, hung in there cause he promised to change-I know. After moving about here and there for his dreamsfor two 1/2 years, the escalating abuse that became violent, calling the police (never showing up after he talked to them!), and his parents (final straw)going off the deep end after I politely asked they put their pit bull away when it trampled over DD and he "tried" to stand up for us but his step-dad threatened and screamed for hours about "kicking his ass" and telling us never to come back to thier home and he, ultimately caved in and sided with them and turned against me, I left and moved out of state with immediate family. They knew of the problems and abuse, many did. I feel stupid for putting up with it, allowing my DD to witness and experience it and now, am sick over adjusting our lives to allow him visitation then, sporadically helps out, never calls-ever, and didn't call for b-day, holidays, nothing. I haven't had a call from him since before x-mas and probably won't. And, everytime I hear from his parents and him, I am right back feeling how I felt when I was in the relationship trying to have my needs met and respected as a new Mom. I suffer tremendously from the after effects and the continued fear of how I feel I have no choices, no control. I am not working right now, have a Master's degree in ed. and cannot seem to get a job. My self-esteem is so battered and feel controlled and helpless even though I am 1000 miles away from him and his mom and step-dad. There's so much to the story but, the most important thing is that I finally know that I was abused and belittled. We went to couple's counseling at one point (I started alone) and he finally came but, threatened me and told me what I could or couldn't say. The counselor told me to "look into" manipulation" and "manipulative people", which I did, and was the first time I had a name to go along with what I was experiencing. Of course, I realize now I should've talked about the violence, verbal abuse, the control, no access to money, the drug and alcohol abuse, the drug cultivation/dealing (didn't allow in home-and started the biggest onset of our problems) and the overall true picture of our life. He says that he didn't get anything from the counseling and said he was not a good therapist-I can see why. I withheld so much of myself to make things ok, I let myself diminish and I hate him for that---I am sorry to say. I am not the kind of person to hate but, I honestly don't know how I will survive dealing with the control of him and his family for the rest of my life? They are no good-destructive, demeaning, emotionally black. I feel no remorse for his parents but, him, I feel sorry for quite often. BUT, he refuses via his arrogance to believe this all is nothing more than a 50/50 relationship hurdle we both must work on. No. I am hoping to move to NC but, afraid to be closer to him to "fight" me, even for visitation. I do not want her around any of them in any capacity. I know many would not agree but, I've thought long and hard about this and it wasn't an easy decision to make. I will allow her to make the decision when she asks/desires and can UNDERSTAND when he doesn't call, leaves for 6 months (he's seen her twice in a years' time and has not taken the initiative to prove paternity or make anything legal), can tell me about drug use/unsafe surroundings, and then can may be overcome the feeling of abandonement with a little more understanding through maturity/age.
My plans are to get happy again--I tried to make it with him-but, one can't do it sometimes with someone who won't allow you to be your own person with your own desires, plans, dreams, and life. Simply put, I am a human being, my DD is a precious human being and we both deserve support and unconditional love, not constant frustration/aggitation, control, neglect, abandonement, pain, fear, and hopelssness.
Ultimately, the absent father made his choices so far, and I don't feel I have a lot to worry about. I think it's more about getting out from underneath his "spell" and getting whole again.
Thanks for listening---