unfounded fear?

[artgirl]

I have two perfect, beautiful, healthy children.
I'd kinda like to have another. Is that asking too much? Sometimes I worry that I'm getting greedy and that I shouldn't test my luck too much by having a third child. So much can go wrong. I'm 34 now. Does anyone else worry? If something were to go wrong would I beat myself up thinking I should've been content with what I had. So many women haven't been as lucky as I've been and yet I still want MORE?!
Spiritually I don't ascribe to this kind of thinking... really. But there's this little fear inside of me that doesn't listen to reason.

[Messac888]

I'm right there with you on this one. I'm only 24, for the record, but I worry about this too. I have two wonderful, beautiful, intelligent, perfect babes- and I worry that, the more I have, the more I will be pushing my luck. You know, I worry that I'll end up with a cesarean because I'm having too many kids (and statistics aren't in womens' favor these days), that I will have a child with mental health or physical health problems, etc. I worry that I'm pushing the envelope as far as it will go. Honestly, we probably have very little to worry about.

I will be honest, I think part of my fear is that I would NOT be okay with raising a child with cerebral palsy or down's or something, but that's just me. It may be different if it's my first (and therefore only) child, but I can't help but feel that having a high-needs child would cut my currently existing childrens' childhoods short. I know, it sounds very selfish of me, but this is the spot we're in in our lives. I couldn't abort, not for moral reasons but I couldn't put myself through it emotionally, but I do know of a family here that adopts special-needs children, so we would do an open adoption. I hate admitting all this, I know I'm going to get flamed as a result, but this is how things are for my family. Big, big concerns. If we had a deaf, blind or otherwise physically handicapped child, it would be a non-issue, since my mom is deaf and therefore I grew up with a lot of people in my life with different handicaps. I guess my worries come from watching my cousin raise her ds, who has neurological damage (compliments of vaccines). I don't know if I'd be strong enough to do it.

Anyway, I guess that's more info that you asked to hear (and more than I thought I'd be sharing!). I just want to let you know you're not the only person out there who worries that by having more kids you're taking risks.

(P.S. parents of high/special-needs children- please don't flame me, I have the utmost respect for you and what you do everyday to take care of your children- I just don't have it in me to do it. Thanks in advance for not flaming me!)

[onlyboys]

So much *can* go wrong but it doesn't often. And, if it does, then that bridge will be crossed, you know?

I do not think that wanting more than 2 children makes you greedy, Many families aren't complete with 2 children. Many are complete with just one. Dynamics of each individual families are so intricate and private that no one can prescribe for you what you should do.

I have always seen myself complete with a large family. My husband and I are pregnant for the last time, and I KNOW our family will be finished.

But, it's not often popular to have a bunch of kids.... I know that all too well.

[artgirl]

Thanks Melissa.
I think you put into words a lot of my own fear. I don't think I'd be strong enough to raise a special needs child. Actually, even more pathetically, I don't WANT to have to be strong enought to do it. I know no one WANTS to be put in that position so I feel horrible even saying that. I just know myself and I'm admitting that I couldn't handle it. I also worry about the impact on the two I already have, but you know what? I worry about the impact of a healthy baby on the two I have.
(sigh)
The funny thing is—this may be a non-issue anyway. Dh is pretty convinced that 2 is enough. My ds is only 3 months old so if we do have another it won't be for awhile...
I just wondered if anyone else had these bouts of superstition/fear about trying to overfill their cup so to say. Crazy as it is because I don't believe there are limits to happiness.

[Greaseball]

OP - Maybe you will have a third beautiful, healthy child! There isn't a limited amount of good that you can use up.

I think mothers have been taught to feel almost undeserving if pregnancy, birth and parenting go easier than thought. Other women will smugly say "Well, next time you won't be so lucky" or "Your second/third/fourth child will be the one that makes you wish you'd never have kids, just wait and see." Yeah, or maybe some people will just have a great time with parenting and be happy with all their children!

[iris0110]

When I was struggling trying to get pregnant I remember thinking similar things. Maybe one child was all I was ever meant to have. Ds has some special needs, but he is healthy and he brings great joy to our lives. I wondered if I was asking too much to have another child. Then I realized that My having another child was in no way "taking" that child from another mother. Babies aren't limited and rationed out that way. It also helped me feel better about all of the women who were getting pregnant and having babies so easily while I was stuck wishing to get pregnant. I realized that their babies in no way lessened my ability to have a child. It really helped me to get through.

[artgirl]

thanks greaseball. you know the odds are really still in my favor. Sometimes I guess I do just feel undeserving. I really enjoy my kids. I really have great kids as well.

[Storm Bride]

I think the fear comes from many sources. I tend to have it about this baby, from the exact other end. I've had two unwanted c-sections, three miscarriages and years of unsuccessfully ttc. I sometimes think that I'm Murphy's Law incarnate where childbearing is concerned, and that the only thing that hasn't gone wrong is that my children have both been healthy. So....sometimes I think that I'm pushing my luck and it's going to catch up with me by giving me a good birth, and an unhealthy baby. (It's not helping any that people around me are becoming concerned about my desire for another baby, because of my age.)

Morbid, huh?

I know about the kind of fears you're talking about, but I'm not really sure what the best way to deal with them is.

[artgirl]

Well, I'd say the best way to deal with these silly fears is to just focus on the positive outcome you want. Just EXPECT it to work out how you want and hopefully it will. I don't know how many women here are spiritual/religious but I guess that helps me. Although, obviously not all the time since I'm the O.P.