Polyamory (part 2)

[zjande]

Instead of bumping up the thread started nearly a yr ago I thought I'd start a new one.

So, anyone out there involved in a poly relationship? I'm *always* seeking other poly folk with kids. My husband & I have been actively poly for many years & even finally have quite a group of poly friends & acquaintances-- but *none* with kids!! Sigh.

And btw, nice to meet you all! I see some familiar names. I haven't been on Mothering in sooo long, I don't remember it having a queer parenting forum, nor being so tolerant. I'm happy!!

[Alenushka]

My husban and I havebeen polygamous from the day we met. I alway knew I was different, just like my mom. My kids are still small (7 and 3) but I am thinkning of the way of desribing the way we live when they are older. I have not been able to meet any formal poly goupr or anything like it. I am sort of individualist kind of person, I guess. I simply have lover who accpet me the way I am. I have not anoyne like me with kids. I have a feeling that some poly people become mono after having kids

[zjande]

You are "polygamous", meaning your husband has many wives??

Yes, it seems folks with kids aren't as often poly. I suppose b/c they feel they just don't have enough time to devote to kids, family, home AND other relationships, or for fear of judgements/ridicule. I know there's some poly families out there though someplace!

Are you actively seeing others or living with other partners? Was/is your mom poly?? That's so cool.

[Alenushka]

Well, you can't afford a house big enought to leve with your partners in CA. I have some long temr lovers with whome I spend as much time as my life allowes. One is a close family firned and we se him ofhten as a family (your know, regular staff dinners ets). Then I ahve some female lover with whom we both, my hsuband and I like to spend time wtih.
I guess it would be cool to have another wife, but we had no luck fidning one yet.
I think some people have decreease sex drive, or don;t see themselves as sexual beings, or don;t think that sexual explorations is appropriate after they have kids

[PolyIma]

Poly in Seattle

Hello all, and especially Zjande!
I should be studying right now but I really wanted to send out a little post here about my family
I am married twice over (the phrase I have been using these days.) My husband, wife, and I have a beautiful, adventurous 8 month old son, Sebastian. My mother would have big problems with me using words like that to describe my son and atract the evil eye (my family of origin is Jewish) but other than that she has no problems with my family. Which is a total understatement, we have many great supportive grandmas, grampas, aunties, and uncles that love us (mostly Sebastian) to pieces. I would love to yak with more poly folks out there, particularly polyfidelitous (a word given to me by Zjande, I think) ones. And just other mamas in general, bi mamas and the issues they face. when there are two mommies, what do they get called? all kinds of stuff! I am looking forward to this great way of avoiding school work! Thank you all for providing me this opportunity. By the way, since I am the Jewish one and have actually wanted to be an Ima since I was maybe 10 years old. That is what I am telling Sebastian to call me. In the end of course, it is his choice

[Allana]

I was wondering if there were any othe poly families on this list. I am very new to the life of polyamory. Hy dh and I sort of stumbled onto it. We have a very close friend that we have always both been attracted to and when we finally told her, she had the same feelings. So we are at the very begining stages of a relationship with her. It is kind of on hold because she is in school, so we are taking it very slow.

My qustion for those of you in a polyfidelity relationship, how does it all work out with kids for you? My dh and I are hoping to someday have a deeper realationship with this other person someday and we were trying to figure out how it all works when kids are involved.

Allana

[PolyIma]

Hi Allana,
The begining of our relationship was pretty difficult in that my wife and i had been together for 5 years and knew we wanted to have children together, and although we all knew we were in love with now husband, we weren't sure how to proceed and didn't want anyone to get hurt. it worked out weel for us and we are all glad to be parents, and glad it turned out this way instead of with say, a donor. But you guys already have kids, that is something i don't know too much about. i can only offer that if you are all in love and want to work somehing out, in the end, that is what matters. i didn't catch how old your kids were, but from what i know of other families, kids are pretty resilient. if you love this woman and she is a good friend, i imagine your kids feel close to her anyway. i wish you the best of luck and although our situation started differently, i know it can be difficult with few models to work with. hope that helped, at least a little
--PolyIma

[zjande]

Oh my God, PolyIma! I'm so happy to hear from you!! The last time we chatted was on HM & you were pregnant (or was it your wifey? now I'm not sure!) ! I'm happy to hear that things are still going well for you, & congratulations on your new little Sebastian person!

Congratulations to you too Allana on finding this girl that you & your dh enjoy.....that's so awesome. As for your kids, what specifically are you concerned about? Explaining polyamory? This other person taking on a parenting role? How other's will treat your kids if they discuss their family? All of the above? How old are your kids?

I'm still pretty much where I was at on HM......still with husband (our ten yr anniversary is next tues!), still with fabulous boyfriend (for 1.5 yrs.) & still fantasizing about finding a fabulous girlfriend & still working on the whole "poly thing" with the hubby. He still has issues with it, it's most definitely *me* that's poly in this relationship. Sigh. I wish it were easy for us, for him. We've come to learn over this past yr that he's pretty introverted (& sometimes I swear he's downright anti-social) & I'm pretty stubborn & crazily independent. Our relationship is really incredible, right up until we begin discussing *anything* remotely related to our social lives (my poly relationships, my wanting to leave the house, whatever) Frustrating.

Anyway, I'm glad to hear from you girls!

[Allana]

My kids are still young, 14 m and almost 3, so they accept anything at the moment. They really love our girlfriend and she is great with kids. We never in a million years would of even thought about this type of a relationship and then it happend. I have never been with another girl so it is totally new to me. When all of this came out in the open, my dh told me that he has always thought himself to fit in with polyamory. We have had issues in the past with him sort of wondering out of the relationship, not for sex, but for other female companionship. We've been together for almost 9 year and have been married for almost four. I know that I'm open to all of it right now and it seems to be working for us. Even if this new relationship doesn't work we know that just discussing it has made our relationship much stronger.

zjande-where in the bay area are you? Do you ever go to any of the SFbay area poly dinners. I'm on the e-list, but haven't gone yet.

[zjande]

Allana, we live in Concord, in the east bay, but I drive into SF constantly. I wasn't even aware of a bay area poly e-list! What is it called? Is it a yahoo group? I'll look it up, it sounds cool.

I think your situation sounds wonderful. I hope all goes well with you, your dh & this new woman. I think the best thing to do in regards to your kids, is to just be open & honest. They're so young right now they won't think anything of having an "extra" person dating or living with their mom & dad. Some day you could start by explaining simply that "some people grow up & decide to date/marry/be with only one person, & some people decide to date/love more than just one other person, like me & your daddy", & eventually you can explain definitions of monogamy & polyamory, & sadly, explain that some people are afraid of what they don't understand so they might be judgemental of your family.

We have an 11 yr old dd & 4 yr old ds. Our 4 yr old is still too young to think anything of seeing his mama being cuddly with 2 different men, & I've always used that explanation above to tell my dd about our lifestyle. She's very, very understanding. She knows it's all about CHOICE. That we all have the right to choose how we want to live.

The one thing that I personally ended up doing is not using the words "girlfriend or boyfriend" to describe my SO's (very often anyway), b/c of my fear of my kids running around calling my SO's that in front of folks that I might not want to discuss our poly ways with. My family just to refers to my others by name, or as my friend. BUT, that of course would all change if we ever LIVED with another partner......

[Allana]

Go to www.polyamory.org and you should be able to find the group. I don't really like the list however, I stay on it just in case I am able to go to one of the dinners. The discussions are VERY nitpicky and the tone is somewhat hostile at times, but there are some good discussions occasionally.

Thanks for you words of encouragement, we need them at the moment. Our SO is kind of wanting to not even discuss the relationship right now.....she is taking way too many units in school and working too many hours, and in her words she can't think about any thing else. We are trying to give her her space and just be supportive.

IS there anyone else out there in this tpye of relationship?? I would love to hear more stories!!

[Nicke]

Wow. I was quite surprised to see this discussion here. Happily surprised of course! My husband and I decided 2 years ago (8 yrs into our relationship) that we wanted "more". We decided to open our marriage up a little and "swing". After lots of talking and soul searching, we came to understand that we were poly. Currently we do not have any SOs, but we did have a beautiful relationship for almost a year with a wonderful couple. So sorry it ended.
I am curious about others with kids too. I have little ones and I am not sure how to explain it to them. Obviously the baby is not an issue, but my 7 yo is (was) curious about the "other people" who were at the house quite a bit.

[Ravin]

I posted this on the other poly thread, but for anyone interested, there's a polyparenting email list you can sign up for at www.lovemore.com. It's not as busy as some of Loving More's lists, but it's a good forum for questions and networking, etc.

[mahdokht]

*

[TigerTail]

my mil is in a group marriage w/ her husband and wife- we just say 'grandma x and grandma y and grandpa z', but i wonder what we'll say when the kids are older (prolly easier to explain than grandpa w in a dress: )
suse

(i'll prolly say something to the effect of 'it's a free country, isn't that awesome!' & make a civics lesson out of it )

[bunny's mama]

okay you two crazy yammers....cool it, y'all are gettin' me HOT.

[Mama2Lennon]

Thank you so much for this discussion! I don't often get a chance to browse the boards but this was very worth it. I checked out the lovemore and polyamory links, thank you for those.
Just wondering if there is anyone poly out there from Ontario? This may be a good discussion to add in a non-queer section, for other poly parents to find. Of course being poly is a queerish lifestyle. I want to talk to more poly parents in my area (near Toronto), or non-parents for that matter. I know that poly is natural for me but I have had very little experience with it. It's hard to find ONE lover, even a play friend!!!!

[sadie_sabot]

My partner and I were both 'with' other people when we became lovers, and have been poly to some extent ever since (almost 6 years). Dd is only 3 months, and i cannot imagine either of us having the time or energy for another relationship right now (barely time for the one we've got) but I imagine as she gets older and things settle down a bit (do they?) one or the other of us is bound to have something happen. My fantasy ideal would be another couple with kids, but not some weird swinger thing. just another couple where all four of us 'like' one another. We know a couple kind of like that--it's been very inscestuous over the years...but they are younger than we are and don't have kids.

i figure, living in SF, it won't be that hard to explain to dd. Polyamory, queerness, transfolks, I hope for it to all be a part of what's "normal" to her.

[Ravin]

Hear hear!

My poly lifestyle isn't nearly as "active" as it was before I got out of the Navy, but I do intend to keep my ties to the queer community (I'm bi as well as poly), and in point of fact intend to enhance thm more now that I don't have to be closeted for my career! I also wouldn't trade my secondary relationship (with a married couple, who have 3 kids and have taught me a LOT about AP and in fact introduced me to Mothering) for anything. We don't get to see each other often, and when we do it's as much about just spending time together as friends as it is about anything else (with 3 kids, that's a given).

[meridianstacy]

Hi, we are poly and looking for that someone special in our lives we were with a special person for about a year she was our first relationship. My emotions run very deep for her and she was one of those people who would come and go back and forth between us and her boyfriend we could not satisfy her needs i was very hurt and she came back too see us one last time and the next morning i decided i could not do this any more my kids were attached to her and it was getting harder and harder to worry about her when she was gone and take care of my family also she was fun and great. but we are now looking for someone special that we can becomeinvolved with and may be find a future with .It is hard finding poly people i want to meet her in public not on a board i want to just go out and meet a friend and take it from there not just talk for 6mnths on chat and then go i want to find it quickly and it is hard to do i may not find it but i am always looking. Any way enough about me i love this group very much please keep writing.

your friend
stacy in missisippi
[e-mail] :

Originally Posted by Allana

I was wondering if there were any othe poly families on this list. I am very new to the life of polyamory. Hy dh and I sort of stumbled onto it. We have a very close friend that we have always both been attracted to and when we finally told her, she had the same feelings. So we are at the very begining stages of a relationship with her. It is kind of on hold because she is in school, so we are taking it very slow.

My qustion for those of you in a polyfidelity relationship, how does it all work out with kids for you? My dh and I are hoping to someday have a deeper realationship with this other person someday and we were trying to figure out how it all works when kids are involved.

Allana