Grieving my baby's birth.....

[lisahas2cats]

I'm not at all a frequent poster on MDC, so please forgive me spilling such an intimate story among strangers.

DD is almost 7 months old, and she is a joy I never expected to have! My only other child is my wonderful son who just turned 15 y/o, so DD was definitely a surprise (a good one, but a surprise!).

During pregnancy, DH and I discussed birth plans, options, choices, and worked with a wonderful mama/baby-friendly midwife. We decided that having a low maintenance, low interference labor and delivery was the best way to go. After all, I was only in labor with DS for 2 hours and had no problems with delivery, including no epidural.

Labor with DD turned into a whole 'nother ballgame. Despite being so well-prepared with information, relaxation techniques, coping techniques and tools, I rapidly started losing control after we got to the birthing center (please, please, please don't roll your eyes, at least in responses in this thread. I can't deal with it.). I got into the whirlpool, which helped, but the damned thing STOPPED WORKING after I'd been in for maybe half an hour.......literally, the jets stopped working, the heat stopped working, everything . So there went that helpful tool.

Walking hurt. Sitting hurt. Standing hurt. Laying down hurt. My nurse was incredibly helpful and supportive, as were DH and my midwife. But nothing helped. And I begged for Stadol (I'm crying as I write this....7 months later, and it still hurts to think about it). Everyone tried to help me past wanting chemical pain relief (which was what was in my birth plan), but I finally begged till they gave it to me. It helped with pain very briefly, but then made me so stoned I couldn't function I was falling asleep between contractions, then waking up disoriented and frightened when the next one would hit a minute or two later. So I begged for more (thinking a shot would be a lower intervention than an epidural). My nurse and midwife told me that if I received any within 4 hours of my baby's birth, the baby would have to go to the special care nursery for observation because it could interfere with her breathing.

And here's where I feel really, really ashamed. I said I didn't care...I just wanted it to stop hurting God, I feel sick just writing that.

So they gave me more Stadol. No surprise, but all it did was make me even more out of control with no additional pain relief. I continued trying to do things for relief...changing positions, breathing, but I was so out of it, it was like a nightmare. I was stalled out at roughly 9.5 centimeters (midwife checked at my request) for hours. No surprise...I think my body was rebelling against my fear and anxiety . I hit the wall, so to speak.

So to finally end my misery, I begged for an epidural. So at 9.5 centimeters, I got my stupid epidural. And nothing ever felt so good in my life. I felt so good I even volunteered for my in-laws to come in the room for a bit. I was still stoned off the Stadol, but since the pain was gone at least that part of the disorientation was gone.

Less than 20 minutes after getting the epi my midwife checked me again, and I was finally at 10 cm. And I pushed my beautiful baby girl into the world. She was crying heartily, but was dusky, so they gave her some oxygen. Her blood sugar was low (I had GD), so that combined with my Stadol spree meant she went to special care for several hours. So I didn't get to even try to nurse her till some time that night (but one a bright note, our nursing relationship survived and thrived....we're still nursing strong!).

One nurse told me that I couldn't go to the nursery, only DH and one other person. I was still in such a haze that I didn't argue...till later. My nurse got me a wheelchair and took me to the nursery so I could finally *really* see her.

But now......it's all such a haze. I can hardly remember anything about my labor and her birth I so regret having the damned Stadol DH's mom took some pictures of DD as they were taking her out of the birthing room, then some pictures of DH with her in the nursery. I can't even think about those pictures.....it just makes me cry (which is what made me post this long, whiny post in the first place, talking to DH about getting copies of those pics). If I hadn't been so selfish, she could have stayed in the room with us. If I hadn't insisted on narcotics, thinking it would be lower intervention than an epidural, maybe I could remember more about what was probably the last time I'll give birth. She is perfectly healthy and beautiful now, but she was so tiny and vulnerable, and all I could think about was *me*.

If anyone has made it through my whine, help yourself to some cheese, and thanks for reading. I just needed to get it out somewhere. DH doesn't really "get it", and I just don't feel like talking about it to any of my friends.

Lisa

[Spark]

Lisa, you will get no whining comments here. You are amongst friends.

My heart goes out to you. From your words, I can feel the pain that you're gonig through. Its like you left your heart an open book for us to read.

REading your post, I forgive you of all those things you feel guilty of. I've labored before. I've seen other women labor. I fault you for nothing that you chose to do. That really doesn't matter though. What seems the most important is that you forgive yourself.

Rec's Birthing From Within has some techniques in it for releasing past birth trauma. I'd really rec'd you checking it out from the library, borrowing it from a friend or buying a copy. There's so much work to do about your experience. I think the most important thing is that you forgive yourself and that takes time and work.

You made the best decisions you could for yourself and your daughter. Period.

[lynn32]

Please do not be hard on yourself. Labor varies from person to person and is never easy! I also have guilt over the labor during the birth of my son this past Dec. I also took narcotics to ease the pain and finally got my epidural when I was 7-8cm. I regret taking the narcotics because it caused me to be groggy and unemotional. I don't entirely remember the moments after the birth and I was out of it the rest of the day. And I suffered a 4th degree tear which lead to medical problems so I cannot deliver vaginally again. I hate thinking back to that time because it only makes me upset. I need to focus on my beautiful baby boy, but sometimes I find myself crazily still thinking about it. So we need to try and focus on our beautiful babies instead of wondering "why?" and "what if?". You made the best decision that you could at that moment. Labor pain can be so intense and I think we sometimes forget how bad it really is once time goes on. At the time you felt like you needed medication and that is OK. Your little sweetie is healthy and so are you. It is not how we bring our babies into the world, it is how we raise them once they are here. No one judges you for what you did. Anyone that has been through a painful labor will understand. Take care and enjoy your little one. I'm sure that you are an amazing mom...that is what matters most

[JanetF]

So many hugs to you. You coped in the best way possible and no one judges you for that. I run a group for women recovering from birth trauma. You might like to talk to us in private there.
Lots of hugs and healing vibes to you.

[MamaTaraX]

Others have said what I was going to, so I'll just offer some {{hugs and love}}. You are among friends here, no judgements to be passed or anything like that. I hope you can find healing and can find it in yourself to forgive yourself.
Namaste, Tara

[saintmom]

You did what you needed to get through a tough birth mamma.Don't beat yourself up over it to much.Yes you had some "help" but YOU birthed your beautiful babe maybe not exactly as planned but you did it.

[Joyce in the mts.]

Hey Lisa...

Y'know what?

You have every right to all the feelings you are feeling. I support and trust your process of working these things through. I support you where you are right now in that process. Every birth is different and you just don't realize the reality of that till you get there!

My first was relatively easy, though I accepted drug assistance very early in the process- I was young and my dh could not be there. I was alone and in need. Fortunately I realized quickly that when the drug wore off, it was THAT much more work to get back on top and "surf"...so we all learn lessons. I learned that the drugs in my experience, only provided the illusion of help.

We gain wisdom from experiences both positive and not-so positive, relatively speaking. There's just no way to predict how it is going to go. Some labors go smoothly and some take unexpected turns.

My second labor was my first homebirth. So much for quicker second labors: it was 40 hours long!!! I stalled out and felt so out of control!!! I wanted the "Spiritual Midwifery" kind of wonderful ecstatic easy birth, but that was not to be.

I was crushed even though it was a homebirth, by the difficulty of it and I was very frustrated and scared and the midwife threatened to transport in a blizzard which was raging outside...there were some angry moments, and some fearful ones, lots of tears and knotted up feelings. It was NOT my dream birth by any means and I felt disappointed in myself and in the midwife, to be honest.

Those feelings came through after the elation of the birth wore off. I had to really process it in the days and weeks and months afterward. It didn't unfold the way I had hoped by any means, but there were shining moments too, as I discovered after thinking and remembering a while. I had to take some time to work it all through.

Then with my third child/second homebirth....it all unfolded so smoothly, I could not have asked for better, really. 9 hours start to finish, more intense but I was really in control.

It all depends on so many variables, that there's no way to know reasons for easier births vs. tougher situations and experiences. And we tend to be SO darn hard on ourselves that it is almost impossible to sort through, find any shining moments or precious jewels of wisdom learned, and release the most negative stuff. But it's a process and we all go at our own pace and there might be some resistence, so if we don't release the stuff that we dont' need right away...it's ok, because we will eventually. It really does take time and it sometimes can only happen maybe a little bit at a time!

So...you're ok Lisa...Trust the process; let time lead you through it, feel your feelings and you may find some really shining moments, some lessons, some wisdom that you may share with others in need. Be gentle with yourself, Mama.

I believe in you and your process.
Joyce in the mts.

[its_our_family]

A bith filled with regrets...I know it all too well.



You aren't alone.

[edamommy]

Many Hugs Mama!

The insane and unstoppable cycle of meds, etc. is a killer. I'm still suffering from the "birth" (it was an emergency csection... I cannot even call it a birth) of my son, who is 26 months.

I urge you to see a counselor so that you have a supportive place to "talk it out", as often friends adn family have NO CLUE and dh's don't either!

[lisahas2cats]

Thank you for all the kind words and suggestions. Putting it all down in writing was sort of like ripping off a scab over a wound that had been festering below the surface (sorry for the nasty graphic). So though I'm feeling very raw right now, at least I've put it out there so I can examine it, process it, and hopefully start "healing" (a word that used to make me gag because it's so overused, but it is such an apt word).

I shall certainly check out the "Birthing from Within" book. It's funny...I'm very much my father's daughter, in that I felt the best way to deal with anything is to just deal with it with chin up, and that grieving something other than a death was simply self-indulgence (for me, that is...for anyone else in the world I see it as totally necessary and appropriate...so Joyce, you saying "be gentle with yourself, mama" made me both laugh and cry). So it's a strange feeling for me to be feeling this way over a *birth*...lol.

Anyway, thanks again for letting me share, and for being so kind and loving to me when I'm having a hard time giving myself that consideration. ((((((hugs)))))) to everyone.

Lisa

[Artisan]

No judgment, just for you.

What you are feeling is totally normal -- it may take a while to work through your feelings. Know that they are legitimate, but also know that you cannot beat yourself up over this. You did the best you could do. And that's OK. That's all anyone can expect of you.

[Chiromom]

Hugs to you! I thnk you should be proud of the work you are doing right now in coming to grips with your own story. You are having your feelings rather than letting your feelings have you. Good for you!

[Angelplum]

Lisa,

This is my first post here. When I read your post, it struck straight to my heart. My beautiful daughter is 2 weeks old. I had planned a homebirth, facing all the horrific fears I had of childbirth. Somehow, I had convinced myself that it would be easy, or at least tolerable. It wasn't.
I had a 30 hours, agonizing labor. My contractions started out hard, but bearable. Within 3 hours they progressed to the worst pain of my life, including unbelievable back labor. The birthing pool did almost nothing for the pain.
My cervix was somehow behind the baby's head, so dilation was very very slow, despite strong contractions. I was stuck at 6 cm for 7 hours or so, with contractions coming every 2 to 4 minutes. After 20 hours of labor, and no sleep for about 35 hours, I begged to go to the hospital for an epidural. Going to the hospital was the LAST thing I had wanted...I was scared of all the interventions. But at that point I was crazy with the pain. I just wanted it to stop.
So I went to the hospital, and got the epidural. It was like heaven. The pain instantly stopped. And I was able to get a couple of hours of sleep. And even after getting the epidural, it was another 8 hours before my baby was born! If I'd had to endure that pain another 8 hours, I really think I would have gone out of my mind!
So, although I regret not being able to have a natural homebirth, I believe I made the right decision. The epidural helped me to relax and dilate the rest of the way, and let me sleep. I sometimes feel sad that I didn't have this wonderful birth that other people have had, but the situation simply wouldn't allow it. So that's that.
So please don't feel bad about your decisions. When I begged for an epidural, I was only thinking about me...I couldn't even begin to think about the baby, I was in too much pain. At the hospital, they told me there was a possibility that the epidural wouldn't work, because of my scoliosis. At that point, I was ready to consider a c-section! Thank goodness it worked!

Joellen

[massagemom]

lisa, my baby is less than a week old, and my story is much the same as yours. i don't have any advice for processing through your disappointment, b/c i'm in the middle of it myself, but just know that you aren't the only one, and you don't have anything to be ashamed of.

[ctdoula]

I'm so sorry things didn't go as you'd hoped. I honestly believe there are some things we can't control or predict, and labor is one of them. Every labor is unique, and it can be excruciating. Try not to beat yourself up with guilt. At the time, you did what you had to do to get through. We would never tell a wounded soldier they made the wrong choice if they were wounded in battle and asked for pain relief. I've been through labor twice now. They were both very different from each other. I do not regret getting the epidural at all. At the time, I was in agony. Did I plan on an epidrual, NO. Was it the wrong thing, NO.

If we lived in a perfect world, things would be perfect all the time, But, alas we don't Try to enjoy your little miracle daughter.

[applejuice]

Men do not get it, and that is why they should stay out of obstetrics.

Your baby is healthy and that is the goal; you are nursing her, and these are the bst years of your life.

I had four homebirths and each was perfect and imperfect in their own way.

The birth is what it is, and that is it. We learn, live, and love. ...

[Yummymummy74]

Hey! late chiming in here.. but I wanted to tell you no judgement here.. I have only had natural childbirth ONCE in a hospital setting and it was by accident cause I got there and he was already coming out :LOL any other time it was drugs and give me lots of them.. I dont know how anyone can birth in a hospital undrugged..if you can kudos to you man! but I cannot deal with labour and fighting and protecting my body and rights ect.. so its one or the other.. hence my shift to homebirth with no attendants.. labour did not hurt and baby and I could be drug free! and I did not have to be worried about what "they" were going to do to me when I least expected it KWIM?

Given where you were ect.. I think you did a pretty logical thing..birth in a hospital is scary..and unnerving but again JMO!

[applejuice]

Originally Posted by Marsupialmuma

Given where you were ect.. I think you did a pretty logical thing..birth in a hospital is scary..and unnerving but again JMO!

ITA

[MAMom]

I also had a birth that I have had to grieve a lot over. I am still working through it, after 2 long years.

One of the best books I have read on the subject is Birth as a Healing Experience: The Emotional Journey of Pregnancy Through Postpartum by Lois Halzel Freedman

C
___________________________________
SAHM to a spectacular little boy, born 5/2003
:bf AND SO excited to be February 2006!