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11 year old daughter heard us having sex - Page 2

post #21 of 37
Quote:
Originally Posted by PoppyMama
I also think that you might have unintentionally created a guilt/shame association with sex. I agree that 11 is too young to be having sex but she is definitely hearing about it at school. I also find those bracelets disturbing- they aren't about Madonna anymore. Thinking about sex is normal and healthy at any age and it is important for us to help our children develop a healthy view of sex. I would have another talk with her and see if you can be a bit more open and nonjudgemental.


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The "bad things can happen to little girls that arent careful" probably terrified her to pieces.
post #22 of 37
Quote:
-When I confronted her, she wouldnt talk to me so I explained to her that its not good for little girls to have these thoughts at such a young age and bad things can happen to little girls that arent careful and that when she has thoughts like this or others, she needs to talk to me.
Yikes. I'd say there is little wonder why she was so upset.
post #23 of 37
he still has issues with me getting 'more' alone time with dad than he does.

I think this is why kids cry when they know/hear parents having sex.

I used to cry. I felt left out. (You know what I mean I hope ) And I was probably 13. I think her reaction is normal, but you do have to have a conversation with her and maybe make a point to spend more quality time with her.
post #24 of 37
I also wonder whether maybe she is afraid he is hurting you, or vice versa. not that there is any basis in that, but when you say she "heard you" having sex, do you mean the bed squeeks, or is it noises from the two of you. I think the less kids know about sex the more it could seem like it was a painful thing. and sometimes the 'sounds' almost sound like people are in pain.
post #25 of 37
Something else to add about my experience with my step-son that may help you.

The first time my step-son herad my SO and I have sex, he started banging on the door crying for daddy... I knew we'd gotten a bit loud, and felt so ashamed. I told my SO 'whatever you tell him, DO NOT tell him we were fighting'... What did my SO tell his son? You guessed it 'we were just fighting, go back to bed'... So of course, for a while after, when he heard us having sex, he would assume we were fighting.

So I'm wondering, if at any point in your daughter's childhood you or your husband said a white lie to 'explain' the noises she heard? Anything that could possibly be scaring or upsetting her? (like with my SO's saying we were fighting)?
post #26 of 37
This is a difficult thing for both of you. You are trying to hide it from her by doing it late at night when you think everyone will be asleep and she may be wondering what is so bad that you have to hide it. we have not been 'caught' but the boys know they need to knock if the door is shut day or night and nothing really bad can be happening because dd sleeps in our room

My ds1 is all but 12 and we have had some discussions about sex lately. He knows how it works, mechanically, from books but we have been talking about people and choices. This came up partly because his friends are surprised that I am so young compared to their parents. I was 19 when he was born and am now at least 10 years younger than most of his peers parents. Lots of his friends live in big expensive houses because they have had more time working to buy them than we have. This made ds think that having children when you are 19 is not such a good idea and we ended up talking about all kinds of things once he said that.

What I am trying to say is that sometimes conversations lend themselves to discussing sex and feelings. Can you take your cues from her and discuss things as they arise? I know that you may think she will be reluctant now, but she may really want to know more and doesn't know how to go about it.

Could you refer to the things you told her before and say that you have thought about it and that her first idea was a good one, what does she think the right person will be like? Can you tell her how you knew that your husband was the right one? Have there been other right ones?

That could lead to all sorts of future discussions when she meets new people or has different friends; what qualities does she look for in a friend? How are those similar or different to a sexual partner? I don't mean that this will be in the next few weeks, it will probably be years away, but you will have started an ongoing dialogue which you can pick up as the time goes on.

This is another little track at the side of the main road. Follow your dd up the track and help her along it. The world is a scary place if you feel alone.
post #27 of 37
Yeah, there is a line between telling a kid "sex is good" (and it IS :LOL ) and feeling like you're somehow encouraging them to GIO when they're 12.

The thing is, though, that I really believe that most kids who are secure at home DO ultimately make responsible decisions down the road. As the PP said, "finding the right person" is apt to take years, not days. And she's not likely to have jelly bracelets by then, either.

I think it's TOTALLY normal to wonder about and fantasize about it from an early age... self-love starts early, yanno? TMI, perhaps....

Telling a kid not to think about it seems a tad futile, somehow. Good luck... 11 is such an age of discovery!
post #28 of 37
I specifically remember going through this at around her age. I can tell you what made ME cry. At 11 she's either in puberty or on the verge. She's having sexual feelings (which are completely normal and healthy). If I heard my mom at night (and boy was she noisy) I knew what was going on. I'd allready had sex ed, and I was at the begining of puberty. Knowing what was going on in the next room, and having to hear it....aroused me. Think about this.....think to college days or days when you had to have room mates. Didn't it totally SUCK to have to listen to your room mate get some when you were alone and NOT getting any? So anyway, I would get aroused, but I DIDN'T want to be....especially NOT from listening to my mother. It disgusted me. It made me disgusted with myself.....So then, there I was aroused and disgusted, and trying to go to sleep....but I couldn't go to sleep until my mother SHUT UP!!! You can't go to sleep, aroused, listening to the ppl in the next room have sex. It just doesn't work. So I'd be so frustrated and disgusted with myself that I'd just lay there and bawl. It REALLY upset me. To this day it pisses me off that my mother didn't wait for me to be completely asleep first.

I know that you thought she was asleep, and that's good if she's feeling this way. My suggestion would be to talk to her about it....not about what I told you though...might really freak her out. Let her know that you're sorry she was upset, tell her that her feelings about sex are normal and ok. And that you'll try to be more careful, possibly get a white noise machine for her room so that if she wakes up to go potty she won't be able to hear you anymore once she goes to her room. I'm not saying her reasons are the same as mine. I'm more likely to think you gave her the wrong impression with your "talk" and hopefully she'll feel better once you fix that. But I think a white noise machine would be a great idea if she doesn't want to hear you when she wakes up anymore.


-Heather
post #29 of 37
Quote:
Originally Posted by NightOwl
I'm sorry, but I think telling her that she shouldn't have those thoughts at her is age isn't the best idea. Children are curious about sex and do think about it. Telling her that she shouldn't have those thoughts will make her feel guilty and make her think negative things about sex. And if you're giving her a negative view about sex then of course, when she knows you're having it, she's going to feel really weird about it. just my opinion.
Good points -- I agree.
post #30 of 37
Quote:
Originally Posted by MomBirthmomStepmom
Sashamed. I told my SO 'whatever you tell him, DO NOT tell him we were fighting'... What did my SO tell his son? You guessed it 'we were just fighting, go back to bed'... So of course, for a while after, when he heard us having sex, he would assume we were fighting.
With scrunched together eybrows and my mouth droppped, I ask "Huh?????????????????????????????"

First, I'm searching my memory bank (many, many years of having sex) and I can't find anything that sounds like fighting.

Second, WHY would a parent tell their child that they are fighting when they are doing something quite the opposite? How did he even come up with that? Why did you warn him not to say that -- has he said that before? Is that what his parents would say to him? If you were a child, would that be a plausible explanation for those noises? Would you feel lied to? Deceived? Would you trust your parents to tell you the truth about things? Is the fighting so common that's it's dismissed simply with "...go back to bed." ???

I am genuinely curious and confused here.
post #31 of 37
For better, worse, or just different, I've taken a very different approach with my kids. Our bedroom door has a lock and we have always told our kids when we want to be left alone because we want to have sex. Since we so openly discuss it I was surprised when my 8yo said that sex was something that hurts mommies... by hearing me he just assumed...

She may not be old enough to have sex, but she's certainly old enough to masturbate, which is it's own way of "thinking" about it, so you might want to keep that in mind when talking to her. Did you hand her the book or go over it with her? Did she ask questions then? If not, maybe a new book that you go over together would be a good idea. Also, maybe talking to a counselor yourself to learn how to commuicate about it in a healthy way, without the influence of the demons from your childhood. Planned Parenthood has some phamplets on talking to young kids about sex, various topics for different ages & such too. Good luck. s

snopes.com has this to say about the bracelets, which puts it a good perspective, also later comparing it to the soda pop tabs of my generation:

"Officials at each of these schools have taken this stance [of banning the bracelets] not because the acts signified by various colors are being carried out, but to protect children from premature sexualization. Nothing in the various "sex bracelet" news stories we've pawed through indicates girls are actually using these fashion items to declare willingness to engage in various acts, or that boys are breaking girls' bracelets in the belief that so doing grants them a right to claim what they think has been advertised. Rather, the bannings are an attempt to unring a bell — to return children to a time when they weren't so focused on sex.

Premature sexualization of young people is a valid concern, which is why parents are up in arms over the messages the bracelets purportedly communicate. Even if there's no actual hanky-panky going on (and as we've said, we see no reason to suppose that there is), such rumors encourage youngsters to view themselves and their classmates in sexual terms. It's disquieting to imagine children in Grade 3 mulling the possibility of lap dances, let alone of oral sex or intercourse. Such codes and rumors also serve to desensitize kids to the physical side of love, to lose awareness of its importance and specialness..."
post #32 of 37
Quote:
Originally Posted by Curious Me
With scrunched together eybrows and my mouth droppped, I ask "Huh?????????????????????????????"

First, I'm searching my memory bank (many, many years of having sex) and I can't find anything that sounds like fighting.

Second, WHY would a parent tell their child that they are fighting when they are doing something quite the opposite? How did he even come up with that? Why did you warn him not to say that -- has he said that before? Is that what his parents would say to him? If you were a child, would that be a plausible explanation for those noises? Would you feel lied to? Deceived? Would you trust your parents to tell you the truth about things? Is the fighting so common that's it's dismissed simply with "...go back to bed." ???

I am genuinely curious and confused here.

Well, you may search your memory and not find anything that might sound like fighting, however, you're not in my bedroom. Not to sound rude, but different people have different sex lives, and honestly, that's really all I have to say. I know what the boy heard (nothing BAD), but I do know it was enough for him to *think* something else was up. It was also enough for ME to say 'don't tell him we were fighting', because 1, we were not, and 2, this was during a difficult time in our relationship where we WERE doing alot of fighting, and this was NOT one of those times, and I didn't want the kids thinking we were going to bed just to fight more...kwim?

Relationships are different and so are sex lives. Just cause it ain't in your past, doesn't mean it's not in mine.
post #33 of 37
I'm really confused as to why she would cry. I can see being grossed out, embarrassed, even angry that I was exposed to my parents sexual behavior (not that she was truly "exposed to it" but yk), but being hurt enough to cry? I don't understand that *at all*. IMO you have to talk to her to find out what's going on in her mind.
post #34 of 37
When my Daddy came home from Desert Storm, I was about 10 years old... almost her age! His very first night home I heard them having sex. And even though I knew what sex was, I didn't know the basics, and I didn't know that you could feel so good that it makes you moan. Moaning was for hurting, kwim? And I felt upset that they were obviously still awake, but I was banished to my bedroom after not seeing daddy for a year, and it hurt my feelings so much that I cried. Mom found me crying, and got very angry with me, which confused me even more.

I think that you should talk to her and say something like "when 2 people love each other as much as we do, they have sex. And sex, between 2 loving adults, feels very good, and it causes us to make sounds that might alarm you if you were to hear them. But don't worry, it is just a sound that we make when we are loving each other."
post #35 of 37
I was also sexually abused as a child. I've been wondering if I will tell my children that I was abused. I think I will, but not sure to what extent. I'm a student-midwife and we tell children all about the sounds Mommies make when they're trying to get a baby out. So I think when sex ed comes about, it might be good to explain the good sounds you make, kinda like when you eat something yummy and you say Mmmm. Reflect a lot on how you feel about sex and the good and bad things about it. Decide what you want her to know. I don't want my daughter to be ashamed or think of sex as dirty, but I certainly want her to know some people are sick and use sex to hurt. I also want her to know that when you're not mature enough for sex, it can be dangerous and hurtful. You may want to tell her exactly what you meant when you said that it can be dangerous. Let her know that you're always there for her if she needs you. Tell her it's important for her to respect your time with dh, but if she needs you, you're there for her.
Also, as a general question to everyone, do you try to be quiet and not make much noise? Or do you just do your normal thing?
post #36 of 37
Quote:
Also, as a general question to everyone, do you try to be quiet and not make much noise? Or do you just do your normal thing?
Good questions... I still haven't figured out what is the right thing to do on this one. Curious to see what others think.
post #37 of 37
Thread Starter 
Quote:
Originally Posted by JoyofBirth
I was also sexually abused as a child. I've been wondering if I will tell my children that I was abused. Also, as a general question to everyone, do you try to be quiet and not make much noise? Or do you just do your normal thing?

first of all, i told my children about me being sexually abused and how it wasnt my fault and that if it ever happens to them to talk to mommy because I will listen and believe them and we wont let anyone get away with it. my kids dont talk about it like its something to be ashamed of. they only talk about it if they see something on tv, they might say something like "thats what happened to mommy" but i encourage you to tell them so if it ever happened to them, it encourages them from feeling ashamed and makes them feel like if mom can tell us it happened to her then we can tell her it happened to us because i was afraid to tell. i felt like i was dirty.

we are quiet but she admitted to standing at our door with her ear up to it and she heard us talking (quietly) and the bed moving. our bed is quiet but its not completely stationary. I did finally talk to her and told her that if she hears something like that, she has our permission to turn her radio on low and that it is something that we as a married couple do and that there is nothing wrong with sex in a marriage. ( i talked to a friend who is a counselor and they made this suggestion) and when i asked her why she was crying, she said she didnt know.
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