SAHMs, how do you feel about being financially dependent on a man? - Page 6

[mamajama]

Lauraess, I think it is important for a woman to have her own money. I believe that you should open the account.

[lauraess]

Yes, I agree it is important. i see his points (so far, as he's made them only through offensive and fearful remarks) about us putting our money together. Yet, my reasons are hard for me to explain to him. How do i make this clear to him without having it appear that i have little trust in our marriage? -without it seeming like i havent appreciated his hard work in keeping a roof over our heads for the last 8 years? I have tried telling him that women have always gotten the short end of the stick when and If a marriage falls apart and so i have to be safe here in this regard, and that my earning potentiial is less than his and that the 8 years i've been home i have accrued nothing as far as IRAs or ssi or experience.
I know a big part of his issue here is that he has trust issues with me and that he feels i have been dishonest in not telling him my plans thus far.
Anyone have advice?
~L

[Pandora114]

yes I think you should open a high intrest savings account for yourself and squirrel away $$ *JUST in case* KWIM? Like accidents and stuff happen all the time, and Life insurance only covers so much.

Like if my DH dies in the line of duty *He's a soldier in the Canadian Forces* I'm entitled to 2 years of his salary. if he dies lets say.....crossing the street off duty, then I'm entitled to....NOTHING except for basic Canadian death benefits, which doesn't amount to much at all.

So, I should really smarten up, and keep my Paypal for that kind of money. My hubby knows I have an account that he can't get at, and he knows exactly what I use it for *Play, and stuff* But now you got me thinking to re-evaluate the use of my paypal...

[dharmamama]

I don't feel that I am any more financially dependent on my husband than he is logistically dependent on me (I do the cooking, the cleaning, the laundry, etc.). We each have our roles. Also, I could go out and get a job if I wanted/needed to, so I don't really feel financially dependent on him. I don't worry about the money aspect if he died, because we have adequate life insurance,

I handle the money in the family: pay the bills, dole out the spending money, create the budget, etc. I think the control freak in me would feel uncomfortable if I didn't have at least equal responsibility for hamdling the money.

Namaste!

[mamajama]

Originally Posted by lauraess

Yes, I agree it is important. i see his points (so far, as he's made them only through offensive and fearful remarks) about us putting our money together. Yet, my reasons are hard for me to explain to him. How do i make this clear to him without having it appear that i have little trust in our marriage? -without it seeming like i havent appreciated his hard work in keeping a roof over our heads for the last 8 years? I have tried telling him that women have always gotten the short end of the stick when and If a marriage falls apart and so i have to be safe here in this regard, and that my earning potentiial is less than his and that the 8 years i've been home i have accrued nothing as far as IRAs or ssi or experience.
I know a big part of his issue here is that he has trust issues with me and that he feels i have been dishonest in not telling him my plans thus far.
Anyone have advice?
~L

My personal opinion (about which I feel very strongly) is that you should tuck money away that he doesn't have to know about. I think that whoever is the main caregiver of the children in a relationship should have fallback money.

[lorikuschinski]

I am still working right now, but only half-time. My husband and I dated for 6 years before we got married and we basically got married because we wanted to start a family. I got pregnant 3 months after we were married. Up until we were married we split everything 50/50. It was this way for 6 years even though he received financial help from his parents and had no debt, and I have lots of school loan debt and supported myself. When we got married, he started buying all the groceries which was a big help because we eat organic. When we had my son 9 months ago, I went on maternity leave and then started back half-time which cut my salary in half. Now I just pay my student loans and nothing else. I am going to be loosing my job in November because the owner of the company wants a full-time person, not a half-timer. I am very nervous about not having my own money. I have worked and had my own money since I was in 7th grade. I am also nervous about loosing my position in the workforce. It is such a hard heart-wrenching decision on whether to continue working (leaving baby) or become a SAHM. I don't think I would like staying home full-time. I really need a lot of mental stimulation or I become bored and irritated and I wouldn't want to take it out on my kids. Working a few hours a week would be great. Any ideas?

[magentamomma]

I wahm doing daycare and odd jobs like cleaning and mending because for years dh and I fought over every penny. I had to clear packages of undies with him. now I just but them. It's funny what money does to the power dynamics in some relationships. I can totally relate t the op I worry alot about what will happen if my dh leaves or dies.

[eightyferrettoes]

Originally Posted by magentamomma

It's funny what money does to the power dynamics in some relationships.

So true. It was TOUGH in the early going to not feel like I was sponging off of DH.

I felt so equal when we were first married, and I was working, with much more in the bank than he had. I sent him several thousand dollars to help set us up, and never thought twice about it being "my" money. But it felt like it was "his" money once I stopped working.

I still feel that way now. It's nothing he's doing-- he's actually all about me staying home, although I'm pretty ambivalent about it. But it's hard to shake the concept that money equals power. Especially when you see it played out every day on the news and in the streets.

[mommyabroad]

I so agree about the money and power dynamics. Before SAHM'ing, I had a promising career and I honestly feel that DH respected me more when I was a successful working woman. I've worked since I was 15 and continue to struggle with not having an equal (or bigger!) income than DH. I love being home with DS and have just as many challenges and rewards throughout the day as DH does at work. I think DH was more interested in my day when I could talk about this student, or that paper, or this conference, etc. Now, nap struggles, climbing successes, snack fun, etc. just don't seem as interesting to him. But those things part of my career as a SAHM.

[MusicLadyToo]

I am okay with being financially dependent on my husband. He makes the money, I pay the bills. I can spend freely though I am frugal because I like to save for "bigger" purchases. I figure if I worked, we'd have 4 kids in daycare and I'd still have to be the domestic diva so why bother letting someone else raise my kids and make really no money for it . . .

[philomom]

Hmm, I don't always like it because I consider myself to be a feminist. However, I never made a lot of money to begin with. If I go back now, even with the kids in school there's after care and summer care to worry about. More upkeep on my wardrobe and car and food does not cook itself, you know what I mean?

I keep a tiny part-time job to pay for my small expenses of lunches out or a rare treat for the kids. I think that helps ease matters. So I don't feel like he pays for absolutely everything.

I feel his career has been helped greatly by my taking care of so much here at home. He knows things will run smoothly even when he's away.

[sophiamama]

I haven't read all the other messages, but I did read some of them. I think this is a very interesting topic. I guess, despite the fact that my husband MAKES the money, I don't feel dependent on him. I have my own business, so I do have a small income. However, I guess I don't feel dependent because I am the one who pays the bills, deals with the checks and balances the budget. That's part of my job.

I do worry about something bad happening (him leaving or dying), but we have set up decent life insurance and he would owe me big, so there would be something. I have a teaching degree and a license, so I could/would go back to work, but I would miss my dd.

I guess my feelings are that as part of the partnership, you should know where the money goes and how to deal with it, even if you don't do everything on the day-to-day.

Meghann