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"Embarrassed" about how I was during birth  

post #1 of 47
5/29/05 at 6:06pm
Thread Starter 
This is a bit odd for me, as I am not comfortable talking to my doula, midwife, friends, or even dh about this.... yet I am posting it on the www

I just had my 1st natural birth 5 days ago. My 1st 2 were with an epidural. I became so knowledgable and informed after dd#2, that I knew I would do it med free next time. I am very glad that i did it natural, though it was much more painful than I was prepared for. IF I were to have another baby i would do it natural again, no question. BUT.......

So here's my thing... I am so embarassed at how loud I was during L&D. I was praying to God (loudly), moaning (loadly), grunting (loudly), screaming (loudly)... AND I think that I wasn't particularly nice to my doula, midwife (I think I actually kicked her : when she was delivering), and the labor nurse. All 3 did an great job, and I have thanked sincerley them since ... but I'm still not proud of how I was to them in labor.

I was a little afraid of roaming the halls on the postpartum area, for fear that someone would recognize me as that "crazy, praying, screaming, natural woman".......

I am afraid to watch the video of my dd's birth, because I think it will just make me bury my head in the sand! I thought about watching it with the sound turned down 1st??? Or maybe I will be ready to watch it later????

I realize that I was just doing what My body needed to do to birth, and that it probably was normal for me (I'm not a quiet person IRL anyway)... but I just feel like I was SO Out Of Control!!!!

has anyone else exrerienced this? Does it "feel" better as time passes???
TIA
post #2 of 47
5/29/05 at 6:15pm
with my first unmedicated (un-epiduraled?) birth i was the same way. i'm sure they heard me yelling and saying the "our father" and counting (it's just a thing i do, like meditating) on the other side of town. and yes, i am still kind of embarassed about it. dh taped the last 30 seconds or so and i'm embarassed when i listen to that. i think the embarassment might actually have kept me quieter during my second birth. at the same time, i'm like you, i understand that i needed to be doing that for the first birth because it was sooooo hard. it was back labor and he got stuck on some bone and it lasted two days and they gave me pitocin.

but ya know? it has been two years and i'm nowhere near as embarassed anymore. i figure when he's 4 yrs old, i'll have forgotten that i was a banshee at his birth
post #3 of 47
5/29/05 at 6:17pm
aww sweetie, please try not to worry at all about that! I know, better said than done, but it is completely normal from everything I have heard/seen/read...

I know it might be of NO help coming from someone who has never even given birth yet (any day now) but this is one of my fears as well... I think mine stems from the fact that I like to feel as if I am in control of myself in every situation and sometimes in birth you are just simply not in control of yourself or your body and that is *scary* to most people, but especially people like me... I don't want to come across as a control freak or anything!! It is kind of the same way I don't care to get all sh*tfaced drunk because you are like not in control of how you are acting and what you are saying kind of thing --- not that birth is AT ALL the same thing, but you know what I mean!!

Anyway, please don't worry about it....believe me, I am sure the midwives/hospital staff/whoever have seen IT ALL...and have heard it all... and things always seem much worse when you're the one going through it ya know? I still have waves of embarrassment that wash over me from things I did like 15 years ago if I allow myself to think about them :LOL

Anyway, I just didn't want to pass up your post... this is a great fear of mine as I said, and I am scared it will somehow inhibit me during labor but I gotta get over it... you do what you have to do to get your baby into this world and it sounds like you did exactly what you needed at the time!!

Take care of yourself and congrats on your safe birth!
post #4 of 47
5/29/05 at 6:24pm
With my first birth I was scared to make noise because when I did they (the nurses) told me I had to be quiet...And I believed them!

With my third birth I was really loud because I knew no one had the right to tell me otherwise. I moaned loudly, grunted and then some. Heck, I was the one doing all the work so doesn't that make me the boss?

You should not feel embarrased I'm sure there is a broad spectrum of noises made during birth. Watch your birth movie and be proud of yourself!
post #5 of 47
5/29/05 at 6:24pm
I was very loud laboring and delivering with dd as well (she's my only child so far). I was cursing which is so unlike me. When she crowned I let out a scream so loud I'm sure it must have been heard within miles outside of the hospital. I could not have stopped the scream from coming out. Out side of the actual crowning I could have helped some of my loudness but I also realize that this is how I deal with pain. When I get sick, I complain so it would just make since that I would be loud in labor.

Talk about embarassing. There was a couiple in our childbirth class giving birth around the same time. They saw dh in the nursery later that day and said "we thought that must have been you guys"

I don't regret it but we are doing a homebirth this time so as not to disturb anyone else :LOL My only concern this time is that I hope my midwife won't walk out on me! I'm not sure there is a graceful way of approaching that concern.

Anyway, I wouldn't worry about it.
post #6 of 47
5/29/05 at 6:32pm
My advice is to talk to your doula and midwife about it. chances are they will help you not to feel embarrassed! I remember having similar feelings after I gave birth about how I handled a procedure and when I talked to my doula about it she was so kind and supportive, told me I was strong and brave and did a great job. It really helped to hear that! And shortly afterwards my midwife wrote me a letter and told me she was proud of me and that embarrassment was gone.

There is no right way to handle birth, we all do what we need to do to cope with a pretty intense situation.
post #7 of 47
5/29/05 at 6:34pm
The fact that we are trained to think that we are supposed to maintain control and 'dignity' while birthing is ridiculous in itself and shows a fundamental disrespect for the birthing process. IMO you are SUPPOSED to lose control. My first labor, I tried really hard not to be 'that lady' I was quite and polite and in labor for a LOOONNNGGG time (natural). When I started to lose control the nurse or someone would tell me not to waste my energy in negative ways etc.. blah blah blah. My second labor, 2 weeks ago, was a homebirth and I yelled and screamed and cussed and told my mom not to touch me, after I asked her to put a cold rag on my head. This labor was SOOO much easier and quicker. Letting go of yourself really helps bring out the baby.

We aren't supposed to lay quietly on the bed then push out a baby without a noise or mussing our make up. The same people who foster this thought are the ones that tell you that labor feels like 'menstrual cramps' Whatever. Its the most intense, life changing thing you can go through. We should all be taught how to yell and moan during child birth classes, it feels soo much better than those silly breathing techniques!

It sounds like you did what your body needed to do to get that baby out. Congratulations on a safe birth. If more people were exposed to normal birth, your behavior (and mine ) wouldn't seem so embarrassing!
post #8 of 47
5/29/05 at 7:18pm
First of all congrats on having a natural birth!

I attended two natural births. One was very fast and intense, and the other one was long and difficult. With both of them there was some shouting and other things, but it wasn't as bad as they made it sound. In actuality it was only a few times, and they were pretty coherent about everything. My same friend who said she was embarassed about yelling doesn't remember that she also said "pardon me" to me a couple of times and was very polite.

I agree that it would be good to talk to them. It probably wasn't as much as you remember it being. And if it was, then so what? You were having a baby! These are professional labor assistants and I'm sure they didn't bat an eye about it.
post #9 of 47
5/29/05 at 7:44pm
Quote:
Originally Posted by mlis
The same people who foster this thought are the ones that tell you that labor feels like 'menstrual cramps' Whatever. Its the most intense, life changing thing you can go through. We should all be taught how to yell and moan during child birth classes, it feels soo much better than those silly breathing techniques!!
I have to tell you this is not accurate for everyone.. there are some of us who experience labour in its natural state as nothing more than menstrual cramps and some of us are traumatized by hearing some of the screaming that goes on in most L&D floors..(another reason why I have used drugs in a hospital setting) that said I like perfect complete silence while labouring and birthing.. and no Im not a person who makes noise.. thats just how I am and its good to know that plenty of women are like me in that respect..
post #10 of 47
5/29/05 at 7:48pm
I felt the same way!!! First two dc...epidurals. Angelo was my first natural birth.

I DID kick my midwife and I bit my sisters butt!

I wouldn't watch the tape with any volume because I was horrified at how loud I was.

Now though....It doesn't bother me. I am proud....even of being loud.

I am even planning on a homebirth or UC next time!
post #11 of 47
5/29/05 at 8:20pm
I see what Mils is saying - that if yelling works for you then you need to be told that it's perfectly OK to do it. There is alot of programming going on about how not to 'lose control' and 'waste energy', but the last thing a woman that has just given birth needs to be worried about is that she didn't do it 'right', kwim?

having said that, I was actually really quiet and focused during labor and delivery, for the most part. Afterwards, though, I had to have the placenta hand delivered and I screamed and howled, begged the midwife to make the OB stop, sobbed, grabbed at the midwife and just completely lost control. That was the source of MY embarrassment.
post #12 of 47
5/29/05 at 8:53pm
FYI - I read somewhere not to watch your birth video for 6 months or more so that you can recall the birth from MEMORY and not what was taped. Sounds kooky but the article made the idea make sense and I waited a full year to watch my dd's birth.
post #13 of 47
5/29/05 at 9:03pm
My only birth so far has been natural at a hospital. I screamed and moaned and never gave it a second thought until dd was already born and a nurse came in and mentioned the other nurses talking about "some real labor screams". I wasn't really embarassed, just kind of amused.

I never really considered how my screams would effect other laboring women until just now after reading a previous post. The hospitals should sound proof the L&D rooms!!!
post #14 of 47
5/29/05 at 9:12pm
Quote:
some of us are traumatized by hearing some of the screaming that goes on in most L&D floors..(another reason why I have used drugs in a hospital setting)
Can you clarify this please? I am not at all trying to pick on you and I understand it can be scary hearing other women in pain etc.. but it sort of looks like to me you are saying that is a reason why you chose drugs in labor? Because of other women? I really hope you would never put that blame/responsibility on other women... it is your choice to use drugs or not during labor... I am not judging either way, but that choice is yours and really shouldn't be put on other women imo...

I am only saying this because for instance, my mom is the type who is like "labor is the WORST pain of your life, you will WISH you had drugs...trust me you will want to DIE" type people... but I am still doing it all natural and even if I didn't and chose the drug route, I don't believe I could blame her for it... it is my choice...
post #15 of 47
5/29/05 at 9:22pm
Quote:
Originally Posted by captain crunchy
Can you clarify this please? I am not at all trying to pick on you and I understand it can be scary hearing other women in pain etc.. but it sort of looks like to me you are saying that is a reason why you chose drugs in labor? Because of other women? I really hope you would never put that blame/responsibility on other women... it is your choice to use drugs or not during labor... I am not judging either way, but that choice is yours and really shouldn't be put on other women imo...

I am only saying this because for instance, my mom is the type who is like "labor is the WORST pain of your life, you will WISH you had drugs...trust me you will want to DIE" type people... but I am still doing it all natural and even if I didn't and chose the drug route, I don't believe I could blame her for it... it is my choice...
Yup thats what I said definately part of it for me go read my other post in the other thread here..
http://www.mothering.com/discussions...d.php?t=292531 it goes into my feelings on the matter a bit more.

I cannot deal with the external stimulus in a hospital setting..that includes listening to other women screaming like someone was sawing their head off! :LOL so it's one of several factors that I base my choices to be drugged if I am forced to birth in a instituationalized setting. I am not willing to get into a debate with you .. its all semantics. Its not an issue anyhow these days, I control my births totally now from start to finish by being a UC'er.. so it eliminates the stressors and danger and drugs associated with hospitals for me.

FWIW I am not a novice at birth either currently gestating baby #9 I have had a plethora of experiences running the gamut in hospital.
post #16 of 47
5/29/05 at 9:27pm
No one is debating with you. We clearly agree to disagree. I don't blame other people for my birthing decisions. Unless it is life or death, I recognize that my decisions are my own and I would never blame other women for my choices.

To each their own though.

ETA: I am not discounting your personal feelings... that is cool... but it to me, is the difference between saying something like "I feel so much pressure from formula companies sometimes"... and saying " I fed my baby formula from birth because of the free samples they gave me at the hospital and because my friend said it would be good" It is not other people's fault or choice.
post #17 of 47
5/29/05 at 9:28pm
Quote:
Originally Posted by captain crunchy
No one is debating with you. We clearly agree to disagree. I don't blame other people for my birthing decisions. Unless it is life or death, I recognize that my decisions are my own and I would never blame other women for my choices.

To each their own though.


cute how you twist my words.. whatever!
post #18 of 47
5/29/05 at 9:33pm
I think I could have written your post, lol. My last birth was drug free, but if I had had a heplock in I doubt it would have been, lol. it was a very long labor-- 24hrs. My first son's labor was 30 hrs, the first 21 of it drug free. With Simon I hit 9 at 20hrs, so I let them break my water and went to 10 very soon therafter.

and then the pushing began. i pushed, and i pushed. An hr went by, then two. I was completely exhausted at that point, screaming and crying, begging for an epi, something, anything. It was reeeeally bad. Total I pushed for a bit over 4 hrs. He kept hitting my tailbone over and over.
So yes, I absolutely kwym, and it was hard to be proud of myself when all I could remeber was the screaming and crying, but my dh convinced me how amazing and strong i had been, and that made me feel a bit better about things.

heather
post #19 of 47
5/29/05 at 10:14pm
Quote:
Originally Posted by Bethla
With my first birth I was scared to make noise because when I did they (the nurses) told me I had to be quiet...And I believed them!
Me too! I was yelling and stuff when I entered triage and they told me to get control of myself. : I don't care one bit. I'm more mad they gave my son a bottle adter giving me a c-section! Though I was in labor for over 3 days.
post #20 of 47
5/29/05 at 10:16pm
That is birth, that is life.

If you offended your midwife, doula, nurse, or doctor, they are in the wrong profession.

That is the way it is...the part of the brain that deals with birth and the nerves and muscles and all is a very primitive part of the brain and there are not many inhibitions or social conventions or courtesies plugged into it...so scream, yell, barf, poop, pee, whatever.

It is what it is!

Do not be embarassed.

You are a mama now, and a proud natural one at that!

Welcome!
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