What do you say instead of "Good Job!" to a toddler? - Page 3

[Magella]

Originally Posted by maya44

I think being too quick to eliminate heartfelt praise for a child is a mistake.

I think that "heartfelt praise" is the key idea here. No one likes to hear insincere praise, and kids can tell when you're sincere and when you're just trying to manipulate them with your praise, yk? I don't think genuine, warm, heartfelt praise is harmful regardless of the words you choose.

And perhaps it really depends on the individual child and the individual situation that child is in. Sometimes my oldest does not want any comments on what she's done-it's private and she doesn't want even a "you did it" from any of us external sources. And sometimes she loves feedback of whatever sort.

[armonia]

I went to a seminar recently and this was discussed.

The dr. that was speaking said it is better to say something like "You are such a hard worker" rather than "You are so smart". If you tell a child they are smart, they will worry that they will let you down if they make a mistake and have a fear of failure. If you tell them they are a hard worker, they will work harder at a task rather than give up from fear of failure.

I do sometimes tell my daughter "Good job" but I am working more on saying "you are a such a hard worker" or identifying specifically what she is good at, rather than using "good job" to encompass everything.

She also talked about praising a person's character and how a person's character trait affects you. She made us write a letter. I wrote one to my daughter telling her that she is so loving and how that has helped me when I am sad. I gave specific examples and then read it to my daughter when I got home. She is only 4, but she loved it.

[Robinna]

I dont want DH to think i dont want him to do something (throwing food) because it incoveniences me ( i have to clean it up) but that there is a real and practical reason to not throw food Yes I overanalyze !

Your DH is throwing food? you poor thing! :LOL :LOL

[loraxc]

I see some merit to the arguments against "Good job!" but I have been having a hard time eliminating it in some contexts. Maybe someone can suggest a different phrase? Specifically, I want to notice it and reinforce it when DD (16 months) follows some of our few (probably very arbitrary-seeming) "rules" for her--eg:

We don't bring sticks inside. (Trust me--the house would look like a beaver dam if we did.)

No sticks on the swing. (After an unfortunate eye-poking incident.)

Don't touch the kitty. (Even when he seems to be enticing you to!)

No street. The street is not for babies; it is for cars.

She understands these rules and is getting very good about putting down the stick, stopping at the edge of the lawn, etc. I do say "Good job!" when I see that she is thinking about the situation and deciding to do as we have asked. She obviously knows it is praise and seems to respond to it. I am not sure what else I could say. I do want to continue to reinforce her following these few rules.

"Thank you for not running in the street?" Ennnh.
"You dropped your stick!" Ennnh.
"You did it!" ("I did what?")

[armonia]

Originally Posted by loraxc

Maybe someone can suggest a different phrase? Specifically, I want to notice it and reinforce it when DD (16 months) follows some of our few (probably very arbitrary-seeming) "rules" for her--eg:

We don't bring sticks inside. (Trust me--the house would look like a beaver dam if we did.)

No sticks on the swing. (After an unfortunate eye-poking incident.)

Don't touch the kitty. (Even when he seems to be enticing you to!)

No street. The street is not for babies; it is for cars.

Some suggestions:

You are such a good listener.

I am proud of you for listening to mama (or for not touching the cat, etc.)

[twostraightlines]

I am the OP, and I 've had a chance to think this over some more since I posted. I have found it hard to cut out "good job!" entirely, so this is how I am modifying it. When I say "good job" out of habit, I try to elaborate next..."you pet the cat gently"..."you didn't throw the blocks," etc. I think it is important to communicate what specifically the child did, but I also think that at 17 months, my son gets understands "good job" more than "thank you for sharing that is so generous of you."

[armonia]

Originally Posted by twostraightlines

I think it is important to communicate what specifically the child did, but I also think that at 17 months, my son gets understands "good job" more than "thank you for sharing that is so generous of you."

I agree. "Good job" has its time and place and I see nothing wrong with it really.

I just re-read my previous post and realized the PP was asking advice about a 16 month old, so I guess my suggestions really don't make sense because of a young childs ability to comprehend.

[sagira]

I used to say (and still say) "Yay!" and now ds says "Yay!" when he's satisfied about something and has accomplished something for himself. Also when he's happy (it's really cute! )

[mpeel]

Originally Posted by loraxc

We don't bring sticks inside. (Trust me--the house would look like a beaver dam if we did.)
No sticks on the swing. (After an unfortunate eye-poking incident.)
Don't touch the kitty. (Even when he seems to be enticing you to!)
No street. The street is not for babies; it is for cars.

Thanks for leaving the stick outside.
You left the stick outside this time. Thanks.
You remembered no sticks on the swing.

You remembered the rule about the street.
You stayed out of the street.
You stayed in the yard,.

Aside from the street issue I am not sure any of these things _need_ any comment. The only reason I would comment on the street is because it is so important from a safety issue. It needs extra reinforcement.

I would only comment to show I noticed an action, not to praise the remembering. A short Thank you also lets them know you noticed. They want to be validated that they did the right thing since they are learning. By you noticing and not correcting, you are validating them. They gain a feeling of accomplishment from their achievement, not your praise.

[loraxc]

Hmmm...I'm not sure I see why a pleased "Thank you" is that much different than a "Good job." I mean, my DD does not know the actual meaning of "good job." It is a phrase I say while smiling and using a positive tone when she does these things. If I used "Thank you" the same way--what is the difference? (Remembering that she is 16 months, of course.) I do say "Thank you" to her in other contexts. She probably perceives as a "rewarding" phrase.

I do want to comment on them because commenting on them has seemed to result in her remembering to do them. I think my feeling is that in the case of something like kicking a ball or building a block tower, the child's natural satisfaction is reward in itself, so an external "reward" is excessive. Yet in this case, I feel like some kind of positive message is needed, because she has no intrinsic motivation to leave sticks outside.

Does that make sense? (I know some people are very anti-"reward." I don't go that far.)

[pippet]

I love praising my kids along with them (I don't always wait for them to look for my approval and then give it but I unabashadly jump in when they are excited at what they do). I will continue to jump and down with my kids in excitement for the new things they learn and wish that we could all maintain such enthusiasm as we mature and grow older. I support my "good job" "way to go" "you did it"'s with all the reinforcements that others mentioned in this thread but no way am I interested in the enthusiastic hoorays that I give openly to my children.

Perhaps the reward system is overboard in our culture - we overindulge on chocolate cake because we feel we've earned it by 'being good' - absolutely there's a case for moderation in not praising every little thing. But there's also elements that I don't see as 'bad' in it either. If I want a swing for my backyard - I save my money and appropriate my behavior to get it as a reward for my efforts - then I take pride in my accomplishment and discipline to do so. If I want to fit into a bikini after birthing 2 big babies, I adjust my patterns to meet that goal and in the end have that reward for which I am satisfied. I can see where it wouldn't be ideal in everyone's eyes. But for me I just don't see how it's all that damaging and know that in myself and my kids it just feels good to not only have the unconditional more subtle and continuous support and encouragement but also to have the over the top, let's celebrate fanfare.

I think he makes a good point on overexcess but in general I'm with the one pp that thinks it's too extreme and he's out to lunch.

[beanma]

an interesting thread as always. i have a 4 yr old and an 18 mo old. i do say "good job" sometimes, but i'm trying to be more specific. in regard to what to say to a toddler instead, i think (enthusiastically) noticing is plenty. with the stick and street examples. i would probably just repeat the rule "sticks stay outside. that's right. thanks." and "the street is for cars not babies. babies play in the grass." or "babies hold mommy's hand in the street." add a "that's right" or "good job" if you feel compelled. i just repeat our rules "draw on paper. thanks," and validate what she does, "you pee peed in the potty!"

i, too, have never heard "good job" in the workplace and i'm 41. maybe it's regional. i also had the same kind of feeling as britishmum about what i'd do to people if i heard it during labor, too. i don't ever say it to adults. i do say "thanks" or "good catch", but not "good job" unless it just creeps over from having said it with the kids :.

[Simply Nurtured]

I no longer have toddlers, but I have always used mindful and specific praise, like other people have stated. I still do. And for other people's children as well.

Examples:

"You really enjoy helping to cook."

"You are a great assistant chef".

"I really like what you built, and you did it yourself."

"Thank you, that was very polite."

"That was very nice of you."



I think everyone has their own ways of handling it. My DH related a very cute experience to me last night. He was at work and a member was there with her grandchild. The little girl is 2 and 1/2. He said hello to them and the little girl very excitedly blurted out to him - "GUESS WHAT?!? I went poopy and peepee in the potty, I am a big girl now!" The grandmother was mortified, but my DH smiled and mirrored her by saying that she certainly was a big girl. He told the grandmother he could not wait to tell his wife who would appreciate such an adorable story.

Everyone likes to get a compliment or a little pat on the back sometimes.

[mpeel]

I do not say thank you in the same voice I would say good job. A brief "Thanks" or "Thank you for leaving the stick outside" is in a mater of fact voice, not the giddy voice of praise.

[Daffodil]

Originally Posted by loraxc

Hmmm...I'm not sure I see why a pleased "Thank you" is that much different than a "Good job."

I don't think there is any difference, if you use the same tone of voice and facial expressions for both. The way I say "thanks" (or "good job," for that matter) is more likely to be the way mpeel describes it - so it's not much of a reward; it just provides a bit of information: "You did something that seemed good or useful to me."

I do want to comment on them because commenting on them has seemed to result in her remembering to do them. I think my feeling is that in the case of something like kicking a ball or building a block tower, the child's natural satisfaction is reward in itself, so an external "reward" is excessive. Yet in this case, I feel like some kind of positive message is needed, because she has no intrinsic motivation to leave sticks outside.

I think that's reasonable. This is the kind of thing Alfie Kohn doesn't talk about, but probably ought to: situations where maybe rewards do make sense, because the child can't reasonably be expected to have any intrinsic motivation to perform the behavior, and/or because the child is too young to understand the reasoning behind your rules.

[mamazee]

Thanks focuses on how it effects you, while good job focuses on the behavior. If you say you're thankful for something that was done, he learns that certain behaviors are helpful to others. If you say "good job" he learns that sometimes he's good, which means of course that sometimes he's bad. "Thank you" isn't a direct value judgement.

[sbmama]

Just joining in....my apologies if my thoughts are redundant of previous posts.

I believe sincerity is the key when it comes to praise. My dh and I make a concerted effort at home to be sincere in our responses to ds, and specific about the words we choose and the behaviors we acknowledge or just let occur (e.g. learning a new skill vs. doing some routine activity like climbing the stairs). The reality is that my son hears "good job" all the time from other parents at the playground who use it regularly with their kids, from the grandparents, and from our friends with and without children who aren't sure what else to say to him when they visit ( I liken this to people feeling compelled to comment about something about the child, like their shoes, when they meet them -- it's a miracle every child doesn't grow up confused about why everyone is so interested in his/her shoes!). "Good job" is filler in conversation, and it strikes me as funny that a conversation with my child, who really isn't participating due to his lack of speaking skills at 17 months, even needs to be occuring. If people must praise someone during the visit, praise me on my extraordinary parenting skills. :LOL

Just my two cents...

Heidi

[mpeel]

I was reading at lunch yesterday about praise and "noticing". Basically, the author said praise is judging. You are judging your child. Noticing helps your child become aware of themselves. Judging helps them become aware of how you fell about them. When they are aware of themselves, they are better able to be self-controlled.