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"New Mamas of Spirtual Awakening in Our Marriages" roll call - Page 9

post #161 of 236
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post #162 of 236
Quote:
Originally Posted by AngelBee
Also, misogyny is belief-system oriented, it's not psychology/emotional.


I think I am with a misogynist!!!

What can I do???

I have finally started to notice that his beliefs about being a mom and a woman are off. He has a very sexist view of SAHM's, motherhood, and being a man in a household.


I just feel right now. I really would like to see my marriage work.......it feels so off though.


Ditto to all of that
post #163 of 236
What a blessing that we can all support each other as we grow through this.

It's like we're birthing a new part of ourselves, and our due dates are all around the same time!



It's the -

"New Mamas of Spitual Awakening in Our Marriages" roll call.
post #164 of 236
Quote:
Originally Posted by May May
What a blessing that we can all support each other as we grow through this.

It's like we're birthing a new part of ourselves, and our due dates are all around the same time!



It's the -

"New Mamas of Spitual Awakening in Our Marriages" roll call.


Hurrah for that!

What do you all think about time lines? Meaning I'm thinking about giving it another 3/4 months with lots of counselling...is that a good idea, do people do that?
post #165 of 236
Thread Starter 
May May~

"New Mamas of Spitual Awakening in Our Marriages" roll call love it and I changed the name of the thread to that, hope no one minds

lisa72~

Friends have told me that when I have a goal to set a date I would like to accomplish that goal, I would say, same thing here, and encourage you to do that.

I'm feeling too drained to post much. I did go see to the lawyer and if I leave he has to pay me a portion of his housing allowance...it is not as much as I was hoping for. A big issue for me is the fear of leaving my comfort zone of the financial support I have been getting from my dh for the past 3 years. I still plan to leave. Today, while driving around on base, I felt such a strong feeling of not belonging there, not wanting to be there. I'm feeling kind of sad and scared to be leaving this relationship even though it has been abusive and very lonely the whole time. I know this has to be normal to feel. I hope getting out of this and moving on with my life will help me gain confidence and love myself...my self esteem is pretty low (always has been).

blessings~~
post #166 of 236
mystic mama

.

I bet you a million dollars you can get through this.
post #167 of 236
I believe the perfect antidote for low self esteem is to become a human rights advocate on one's own behalf, and in honor of all sentient beings. .




Heck, to make up for lost time, one might even want to become a *human rights snob*, temporarily.






post #168 of 236
Thread Starter 
lisa,

you would be right and I will


when dh came home from work he talked with me and said he agrees the best thing is for dd and I to leave (says he wants seperation and not divorce), seems like he feels a big relief. he does not know I saw a lawyer today. he agreed that we should sit down and talk about the financial aspect of it soon, I have taken care of everything concerning our finances/bills/budgets throughout our entire relationship and he has pretty much been agreeable with the way I handle it. i feel confident that he will give us more than he is obligated to, would you ladies think it wrong of me not to tell him the amount he has to give us?

oh and he has already started looking (online) for a truck since he will have to buy one when I leave with the car. I just feel bad for him because I dont think he realizes what he is letting go of, that truck might make him feel good for a minute but it wont last long.

May May~

I emailed Wind Spirit about possibly staying there...cant wait to hear back from them.

All that is really keeping me from leaving is getting our stuff ready, putting it in the car and going. I'm not sure exactly where we will stay and its hotter there than it is here so I'm contimplating waiting until the worst of the heat is over in phoenix. I should start getting stuff ready to go, I have been putting it off :

ok, gotta go, rayna wants "totee and food"
post #169 of 236
Thread Starter 
Quote:
Originally Posted by AngelBee
Also, misogyny is belief-system oriented, it's not psychology/emotional.


I think I am with a misogynist!!!

What can I do???

I have finally started to notice that his beliefs about being a mom and a woman are off. He has a very sexist view of SAHM's, motherhood, and being a man in a household.

My councilor said that he may not be aware of his "beliefs" since his words do not match his behaviors.

I just feel right now. I really would like to see my marriage work.......it feels so off though.



hugs mama

I think the first thing is realization that is empowering

keep posting and reading and take care of YOU

blesssings~~~
post #170 of 236
I'll be right here, mystic~mama




:
post #171 of 236
Allgirls wrote: I remember looking around my teeny little apartment about a month after I moved in...my 2 girls asleep, sitting alone...and looking around and feeling "peace" for the first time in years. That's when I knew it was worth it.

Oh god how I want this. I can not tell you...

Here's the thing: I feel you and mystic mama and others are so lucky to be able to just get away.

He's requested and is going to fight for full custody of our children. The idea of a peaceful settlement agreement via mediation is rapidly disappearing. And I have no money - nothing (all that's left of my family is a couple of sisters and a grandmother - all in other states), no property, very little skills (clerical) and will live at or below poverty - whereas he has unlimited resources (money and family) to get what he wants - and truly beleives is the best for the children.

I am unable to think clearly.
Just putting one foot in front of the other for now.

I feel like a cliche'.
post #172 of 236
Quote:
Originally Posted by loved
Allgirls wrote: I remember looking around my teeny little apartment about a month after I moved in...my 2 girls asleep, sitting alone...and looking around and feeling "peace" for the first time in years. That's when I knew it was worth it.

Oh god how I want this. I can not tell you...

Here's the thing: I feel you and mystic mama and others are so lucky to be able to just get away.

He's requested and is going to fight for full custody of our children. The idea of a peaceful settlement agreement via mediation is rapidly disappearing. And I have no money - nothing (all that's left of my family is a couple of sisters and a grandmother - all in other states), no property, very little skills (clerical) and will live at or below poverty - whereas he has unlimited resources (money and family) to get what he wants - and truly beleives is the best for the children.

I am unable to think clearly.
Just putting one foot in front of the other for now.

I feel like a cliche'.
Loved

I'm so sorry this is all happening to you, you voiced my thoughts though, I envy Mystic Mama's ablility to leave with a somewhat civilised situation.

My husband in the space of an hour, this evening has talked about killing himself, kicking me out, taking the children, and not giving me any money.

This is because I mentioned I was going to couselling and then we would go together, he asked why and I said because I need to get my head straight.

Eventually I told him his behaviour has been emotionally abusive and that got everything nice and ugly.

After all his big, manly threats he slammed the bedroom door so hard he broke the frame.

I suppose this means the 3/4 month idea is done.

I hate all this shit.
post #173 of 236
Quote:
Originally Posted by May May


Allgirls, wasn't there a buddhist story you had mentioned (a while back in this thread) about giving apples to he who has no apples to give, in order that he may have apples to give -- or something like that? Will you tell it again?


I used to take teachings like that to mean that we had to be sacrificial ourselves in order to model true love and compassion for another.

I want to see it through *new eyes* now.
"Someone said to me in a Dharma study course when we were discussing "Loving your enemy" and of course for most of us it's the hardest thing to do...but I did learn something...if a person only has oranges to give away they will only give away oranges...if you want a person to give apples away you have to first give him some apples to give away. And you give him the apples not to get apples yourself back but so that the person who didn't have apples benefits.

Now exchange oranges for hatred and apples for love...

There is a meditation that sends love and peace energy out to the world.(metta) and it was hard for me at first...how do you send love and peace out to someone like Saddam Hussein for instance...but then I thought about it...if I send love and peace energy to him...maybe he will absorb a bit of it and have some mercy on someone he is being cruel to...and if a million people do the same thing maybe it will multiply...sounds like a lofty goal but I have nothing to lose at all by trying."

Is this the quote you were looking for?

You can send love from anywhere...sending love does not require you to be in the same room, the same town, the same country even...

and many many times it's easier to send love from a distance...how many times have you heard people say "we get along better now than we ever did when we were together" about their ex.
post #174 of 236
Quote:
Originally Posted by loved
Allgirls wrote: I remember looking around my teeny little apartment about a month after I moved in...my 2 girls asleep, sitting alone...and looking around and feeling "peace" for the first time in years. That's when I knew it was worth it.

Oh god how I want this. I can not tell you...

Here's the thing: I feel you and mystic mama and others are so lucky to be able to just get away.

He's requested and is going to fight for full custody of our children. The idea of a peaceful settlement agreement via mediation is rapidly disappearing. And I have no money - nothing (all that's left of my family is a couple of sisters and a grandmother - all in other states), no property, very little skills (clerical) and will live at or below poverty - whereas he has unlimited resources (money and family) to get what he wants - and truly beleives is the best for the children.

I am unable to think clearly.
Just putting one foot in front of the other for now.

I feel like a cliche'.
LOVED...first of all you need calmness about you more than ever...you will need the strength that comes from never letting him get to you.

Financially...if you were married, and you were a SAHM you will be entitled to alimony as well as child support and also have a better chance at custody. It will be very unlikely he gets full custody no matter how much $$ he has. Any equity gained after the partnership you are entitled to half. This is pretty standard so I bet it is so in your area. It is highly unlikely you will lose custody of your children based on his finances...it is equally likely you will win custody and he will have to use his finances towards yours and the children's maintenence.

Investigate and find the best family court lawyer out there(don't just go through the yellow pages)...as long as you are together he is responsible for you and the children financially...here is what I did...I paid my lawyer an advance out of our joint account. I would have taken a cash advance on a credit card if need be. Find a way. Do not leave the family home until things are settled...at least a legal separation agreement...unless you or the children are in immediate danger

Continue to take control and care of the children's lives...I don't know how involved in your children's lives he is but my ex lost a bid for joint custody because he didn't know the name of the kids teachers, their favourite colours, their best friends's names, etc. etc. and I did...

tape record conversations...they may or may not be admissable in court but are great to have....a journal is also a must...every confrontation should be recorded by you and dated and copy given to your lawyer

meditate and stay calm...find counselling for yourself and your children..he should pay for the children at the very least but should really pay for all of it.

Good luck and hugs...It will get hard before it gets easy but it will get easy...your biggest asset is how you conduct yourself in front of a judge. Be the calm, reasonable one...don't let him push your buttons...only communicate by phone or lawyer, have a third party go between for visitations with the children...avoid any chance he has to make you look emotional and crazy...something he has become an expert at.

Move forward with integrity...never badmouth him in front of the children, or anyone else and never allow anyone else to badmouth him.

Meditate and make yourself mindful on a regular basis.

Take care of yourself

post #175 of 236
mystic mama...you will be so much happier and so will your children...it's much easier to co-parent with them then it is to be partnered with them.

There will be bumps...when you each start dating for example(he's likely to get ticked) but you will get through

I think when you are separate..you will find it easier to find yourself...time will heal you and make you stronger and the stronger you get the happier you will get.

Financially you will be fine...I made sure I had the basics...remember if you have to work then he has to pay part of the child care expenses

If you need retraining he should help pay for that...if he attended school during your marriage then that means you should be entitled as well...there are many little things your lawyer will help you with.

He doesn't need to know you have seen a lawyer...you are allowed your privacy. He isn't your partner any more just your co-parent..it's a different relationship.

You are a brave woman..take care of yourself!

Oh...and you ladies who are leaving...make sure you get the computers ...it really helped me on lonely nights and after bad days.
post #176 of 236
Thread Starter 
loved and lisa,

I understand where you are coming from and I have always been aware that I have it easier in some ways than it potentially could be and sometimes I forget that, thank you for reminding me. I'm sorry that both of you are being treated this way, you dont deserve this mamas allgirls gave wonderful advice...keep posting and thing GOOd thoughts, plant happy seeds not weeds.

blessings
post #177 of 236
Mystic Mama you are right...good thoughts

What I'm trying to tell myself now I've stopped being cross, is that eventually we will all be happy. I said that to him tonight, we both deserve happiness. The fact that I am making someone this unhappy by wanting to leave nudges my guilt button, so to speak.

Then it's all the worries....What if England is awful? We will be there and he will be here, the kids wont have their father around, etc, you know.. all that stuff.

I decided yesterday to start telling him the truth and initially its made our lives SO much harder and more horrible, but I know in the end its the right thing to do.

And I still have this thing in the back of my mind saying stay...put up with it, maybe it will go away if we ignore it for a while..there are good times, but is it worth it?

Ok...back to strong and good, posive thoughts
post #178 of 236
Wow, This thread is bumming me out. What started as a spiritual support for marriage development has become a divorce thread. I am not blaming anyone. It is just sad that this is how working on marriage often turns out. I suppose the people who are most interested in working on marriage are the ones who are in the most pain. And clearly some of you are in terrible situations and I want to support your decision to do what is best for you and your families. But I fear the road ahead, for me and for so many other women. I want a powerful, healthy marriage. I don't have that. I don't have an abusive relationship. I just have a somewhat neglected marriage. And who wouldn't with two busy careers and two babies? If my marriage was a house plant- it would be screaming for water and dropping leaves. So watching so many of you dealing with the death of the dream for your marriages makes me sad and a bit cautious... you know like its contagious or something. I will keep coming but I am really struggling with posting. My love and support to all you beautiful women. Boy, the fairytales never talked about what happened ever after....
post #179 of 236
It's kind of sad that marriages are ending but also for most of these women there is not a real choice...for you there is msmompls...neglect can be remedied..make it a priority...quickly...when there is no abuse there is so much hope.
post #180 of 236
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