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"New Mamas of Spirtual Awakening in Our Marriages" roll call - Page 2

post #21 of 236
mandib50..yeah...I been thinking about it...and I could come up with many examples of people who have the same opinions, attitudes now as they did 20 years ago...mmmmmmmmmmm...and many of them are very unhappy in their lives...my ex comes to mind
post #22 of 236
Quote:
Originally Posted by May May
From an astrological perspective, you're right at the end of the middle of your first Saturn return. That means you're coming into your full power as an adult. Society tells us we're no longer juveniles by 18 or 21, but on a spiritual level we are still blooming until our Saturn return, which occurs from approximately 27-29. It means you know yourself better now and are more fully-rooted in your being than ever before (in this lifetime); it's a real milestone-marker in your growth as a human, and, of course, carries over into all your relationships in a major way.
I would love to hear more on this. I just turned 28 and am finding it difficult to jive with dh. I think it's me since I'm pretty sure he is exactly the same.

Also, since we just had a child after being together for 12 years, it is kind of weird to find out so much new stuff about someone so far into the game.

I'm in for this change and I really love:
before enlightenment..chop wood
after enlightenment..chop wood
post #23 of 236
Thread Starter 
may may~


after I posted re my bday I had a thought about the thread getting into astrology...what you wrote about the saturn return, wow, thats right where I am at My friend said something to me before I moved away, something about congratulations for coming into my full woman power...Can you tell me about my compatability with Sagitarius (dh 11-24-73)?

what sign is everyone?

turning negatives into positives or "poison into medicine"~~~

At dinner, I asked dh if I could use the car tomorrow a.m and bring it back to him on his lunch break...he sighed deeply and said maybe....then said fine in a way which seemed like he was not fine about it...soooo I tried discussing the car issue (I always *try* and discuss issues) because I wanted to know why he acts so put out when I ask for the car which is hardly ever...he would NOT discuss it (not at all unusual) and ended up telling me to F off more than once (after he left the table without finishing his food) when I was insisting he tell me...we have been thru this before and never got anywhere...I got extremely frustrated and I called him an a~hole a few times, without raising my voice...I was totally calm, on the outside at least, I gave up and left the room and cried out of total frustration because he was not doing what I wanted him to do!!

I decieded to chant, dd sat beside me to chant also (dd in the other room, picked up on our vibes and was acting a bit pissy)so I decieded to chant gongyo & say prayers, so put what I have been learning in this buddhism into practice, I chanted with all my heart about what was happening, it energized and calmed me down and I realized that I need to take reasponsiblity for myself and forget about what he was doing...so I got dd and I ready and we left to go to the stores...I said bye to dh and asked if he wanted anything he kind of rolled his eyes at me then I gave him an awesome wink (I'm not much of winker but this one came naturally) and was out the door...I had to call him to ask a question and something had changed in his attitude. I talked to him again when he called me to ask me to pick up something for him...everything was nice between us after that...problem solved.
I turned a negative into a positive....I acted instead of reacted and the situation totally turned around...for a second I thought I dont want to stay with dh because he is like this (my pattern) but it only lasted a second...Looking back on it, it seems like a simple solution but, at the time it didnt feel that way...last night at a chanting group, a Japanease woman we call Grandma who has been chanting for 50 years was talking about this, she said that in Buddhism we begin to look forward to challenges because we know we can turn them into positives.... : I'm really encouraged by this experience so I thought I would share it here

many blessings~~
post #24 of 236
mystic mama...sounds like you are putting your practice into action in your life...way to go...my husband does the sigh thing too...it's such a passive-aggressive act...I used to be offended by it too...then I decided that I would respond to him as though he hadn't done it.

For intance in your example..here is how I would have done it now as opposed to before studying Buddhism...because I am a litttle more mindful.

"can I use the car on tomorrow morning and bring it back on your lunch break?"

"sigh, fine"

"oh good, I really need it..you're the best" (ignoring all the sighing and fining-will meditate on that later) smile at him and go on with dinner.

(in that entire conversation I would be relying on #1 and #2 of the 4 agreements)

then the chanting with dd etc...the after-reaction was great! Love the


You know what...my hubby never really does the sigh much any more...I don't know if he made the conscious decision or if it was a direct result of not getting some kind of payoff from it(a sense of power maybe, habit most likely)

or maybe I just don't notice it anymore
bring on the next challenge!
post #25 of 236
THis is a great thread...I'm always changing, learning, exploring etc which I think slightly irrated my h. He has begun to accept that about me. I too find that if we do not let his pissy mood effect us all seems to be well.

I Love that is that simple. I still find it hard sometimes, I find If I am disciplined enough during the day with my thoughts, remembereing that I can control my thoughts, it's my brain, It's ok to be happy.( thats my little mantra I think) Then when H comes home and is tired and grumpy, if I can maintain that mood, he cheers up and we have a GREAT time together.

Two books that I find really helpful; "Creative visualization", by Shakti Gawain, and "Meditation", by Sogyal Rinpoche. Both of these books can be picked up, even for 5mins when the kids are driving me nuts and I feel better.



I'm on the cusp, Scorpio/Sagg. ( Nov22)
post #26 of 236
oh...with regard to changing yourself, your perspective and your reaction...you also have to do it without expectation...don't expect others to change, don't expect too much...just let it be as it is and accept what happens as what is supposed to happen...in other words don't change yourself and improve yourself with an eye to it affecting and changing your partner for the better...just do it to change yourself...your partner may or may not change/improve...it doesn't matter...it's your "self" you are improving.

just needed to add that

I don't remember a great change around that age at all...I had my second child at 29...mmmm...for me my biggest time of change was in 1998 when my father died from cancer...it was the worse time of my life and the most life altering time and for the better....sounds awful but I took it as a huge life lesson and made conscious decisions to live for now because that's all we have...I was 31 - 32 at the time.

eta...it was also the beginning of the end of my first marriage...he just couldn't accept my growth and also he was an alcoholic...the more growing I did the more abusive to alcohol and me he became...I finally left him...a couple years later.

I am 39 now and I am an Aries...yep..definitely a ram here! my birthday is April 8
post #27 of 236
Great thread! I'm in!

Will post more later when the kids aren't rioting in the living room.
post #28 of 236
Quote:
Originally Posted by allgirls
oh...with regard to changing yourself, your perspective and your reaction...you also have to do it without expectation...don't expect others to change, don't expect too much...just let it be as it is and accept what happens as what is supposed to happen...in other words don't change yourself and improve yourself with an eye to it affecting and changing your partner for the better...just do it to change yourself...your partner may or may not change/improve...it doesn't matter...it's your "self" you are improving.
Yes....it took me ages to figure that out. Sometimes it's easier than others to get there. I find it easier in the summer to be calm and centered, in the winter, things go a bit nuts. The older I get however, I'm 32, the more this feeling comes. My expectations are different, of myself and my husband. I'm slowly learning not to be as dissapointend by the things he does, and realise how complex and strange all people can be and accept that, rather than critisize him, expecting everything to be "perfect". Life just isn't like that is it?
One of the dom abuse women I talked to a few months ago gave me a really good quote..."own your sh*t", which I think can be used in many different contexts.
I'm rambling now, sorry
post #29 of 236
Thread Starter 
allgirls,

passive agressive definitly describes my dh...his way of dealing with things frustrates me immensly...sometimes I can keep my positive mind attitude but other times it gets to me :

I feel like if I just smile and say okay thanks, I will have to deal with him not speaking to me for the whole next day probably, he can give the silent treatment forever it seems like...and then I get frustrated even more so I always try and deal with it/talk it out right then which usually isnt that helpful either and I will end up being PO'd at him for how he is treating me...yesterday was a victory for me in that I took reasponsiblity and changed the situation.

Dh will not or does not know how to communicate so its rare when we can talk something out...I have to approach him at just the right time in just the right way and usually and pull the words out of him practically, its tiring.

lisa72 Quote:
Originally Posted by allgirls
oh...with regard to changing yourself, your perspective and your reaction...you also have to do it without expectation...don't expect others to change, don't expect too much...just let it be as it is and accept what happens as what is supposed to happen...in other words don't change yourself and improve yourself with an eye to it affecting and changing your partner for the better...just do it to change yourself...your partner may or may not change/improve...it doesn't matter...it's your "self" you are improving.



so true! this is something I'm working at...could this be our 6th agreement?



Yes....it took me ages to figure that out. Sometimes it's easier than others to get there. I find it easier in the summer to be calm and centered, in the winter, things go a bit nuts. The older I get however, I'm 32, the more this feeling comes. My expectations are different, of myself and my husband. I'm slowly learning not to be as dissapointend by the things he does, and realise how complex and strange all people can be and accept that, rather than critisize him, expecting everything to be "perfect". Life just isn't like that is it?
One of the dom abuse women I talked to a few months ago gave me a really good quote..."own your sh*t", which I think can be used in many different contexts.
I'm rambling now, sorry


"own your shit"~~ totally!

kind of like~

"walk it off" ~my sister

re growing and changing~

for the past 7 years I have been on a conscious journey of self growth and I have transformed myself compared to who I used to be...every day, week, month I feel enormous amounts of growth & change in myself, thats human revolution, that is LIVING!!

blessings~~~
post #30 of 236
yep....the 6th agreement...

I think that probably goes to "attachment" being the source of our suffering...

in a relationship we are often "attached" to how we want/expect our partners to respond...if we can let go of that attachment then we will no longer suffer as a result of their not behaving the way we would like them to.

and even though we label it "passive-aggressive" is it really aggressive? We interpret it as aggressive because as humans and particularly female humans we often see a motive that isn't there...maybe it's just the way he is...passive. Maybe he thinks that the way he is answering you/communicating with you is ok or maybe he is aware that he is failing at communication and that makes him insecure...maybe he just doesn't know how.

And maybe he is doing it on purpose to irritate you...that may be so but I would give him the benefit of the doubt...I would work from the assumption that that is just the way he is. Your trying to "make" him discuss things teh way you like to probably does nothing but get him to shut down...from a feeling of inadequacy and insecurity. I do that when someone points out my faults/weaknesses.

You are on a good path...

btw...my road is a little easier...my hubby now is a pretty good communicator and we are quite connected. We never argue and we never name call...actually he is the best person I know. I am better because he is so awesome and I think he is a better person because of me as well.
post #31 of 236

~So Thankful To Be Here~



Well, let's see . . . . where to start . . .
So many great things have been said, here, and I have "so much things to say, right now, I got so much things to say!"

As far as the astrology goes --
my dh is actually a professional astrologer
but I am the lay person, here.

I do know, since you're a Gemini, mystic-mama, and your dh is a Sagitarius, that your relationship metaphor is 'wind blowing on fire' (Gemini is an air sign, Sag is a fire sign, but they're both mutable, which makes the whole story more complex). Wind ignites the great fire and extinguishes the small.

However, I should tell you, there is much, much more to understanding a person than knowing just their sun sign. The sun, moon and rising signs are the three dominant ones, but there's a whole slew of other planetary, solar, etc. influences.
Relationship astrology is highly detailed stuff!




I have a Capricorn sun sign, Virgo moon and Virgo rising. That makes me a triple-earth-sign lady and, yes, it is actually possible to be too grounded.
post #32 of 236
Hey! Hey! What a positive and constructive thread!

The four agreements sound really good to me, but of course to put them into practice seems quite a challenge. I'll be checking in here too...
post #33 of 236
Quote:
Originally Posted by firstwomantomars
Hey! Hey! What a positive and constructive thread!

The four agreements sound really good to me, but of course to put them into practice seems quite a challenge. I'll be checking in here too...

oh, it's a challenge...it's been over 2 years for me and it's still a challenge...the key is to imprint them on your mind and go through the list whenever you feel that itch to *itch...try to figure out which one(s) to implement at that moment...usually #1 and then go away and think(meditate) on it.

But...sometimes there seems to be no space between the thought/action...(often we call it a reaction) but there is and when you get more mindful and in control of your thoughts you can then get more in control of your actions/reactions. There is always a gap between thought/action but sometimes it takes a huge conscious effort to get into it because it's so tiny...but if you can it changes everything. I am getting so much better at it.

If you have never meditated and would like to learn how a great cd is "Getting in the Gap" it's a guided meditation cd and book by Dr. Wayne Dyer...I love him and his works.
post #34 of 236
Thanks Allgirls for your kind advice!

I haven't really learned to meditate but recently I have tried to leave the room for a while when I get angry and want to say mean things and sometimes I pray and try to relax. I've done this just a few times for now but these were the first times I was able to control my anger and let it go. So what you are saying makes a lot of sense. Now I do need practice this more so that I can gain more control over my "actions/reactions."

It's good to knoow it can be done!
post #35 of 236
Thank you for starting such a cool thread. I can definately use some of this stuff in my relationship...all hell has broken loose and we are starting to pick up the pieces. But I'm in...I'm definately in. I'll check back in later.
post #36 of 236
Random questions:

How many agreements are there? Are these based on a certain spirituality/religion?

Sorry : I am slow sometimes...

How do all of you really put these into place? This is going to be a long term project for me. Especially #2 I DON'T TAKE ANYTHING PERSONALLY
I take EVERYTHING too personally. I equate alot of my self acceptance on what others think of me. I strive on anknowlegement. I think alot of this stems from have ADD and being told I am lazy/unmotivated all of my life by teachers, family, friends. After a while it is hard to believe otherwise

This is a HUGE stumbling block in my relationship. I look to him for approval.....which tends to make the opposite happen.
post #37 of 236
Thank you for this thread......it has really made me think....alot!
post #38 of 236
While the agreement are helpful when I am calm, I have actually found the

before enlightenment..chop wood
after enlightenment..chop wood


Is more useful in that moment when I may react crazily. Then I am past that critical moment and can think more.

Thank you for that quote!
post #39 of 236
Thread Starter 
AngelBee~

hi and

Random questions:

How many agreements are there? Are these based on a certain spirituality/religion?


The Four Agreements are based on Toltec Wisdom...look here~

http://www.miguelruiz.com/teachings/fouragreements.html

I too tend to take things personally....reading the entire book helped me to better understand the agreements and made it easier to start to put them into practice for myself...

I'll just post what I did write...sorry, I cant finish this now. dealing with a horrible headache
post #40 of 236
Sarah.....I hope you feel better soon!
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