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"New Mamas of Spirtual Awakening in Our Marriages" roll call - Page 3

post #41 of 236
6/5/05 at 9:25pm
Thread Starter 
thanks angelbee

I'm getting over it....I'm pretty sure it was triggered by soy lecithin, I think that is some harmful stuff.

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post #42 of 236
6/5/05 at 9:31pm
What is soy lecithin? :

I am glad you are feeling better!
post #43 of 236
6/6/05 at 1:05am
oh my god count me in

i have got pounds of issues form the way i was riased adn watched my parents relate (or not)
and my husband doe stoo
and our exp and ways of communication are so different.

sarah aka mysitc moma

i am in your shoes
almost everything you have written could have been my words, my husband, my questions

i used to have this note to myself taped on my fridge "dear sarah, try not to freak out when rick is a total asshole"

it helped a lot

not th ebest buuhist nonattachment point of view, but it allowed me to do the most important change myself part in the relationship: don't freak out
don't take it all so pesonally

so when i felt like i could not even be in the same room with dh because of a rude/disrespectful staement or attitude i would put on my running shoes and grab a bottle of water and run until i felt like i could not breath (i am like you sarah, i want to run away, i am always chanting in my head about how i want to get out of this marriage when ever i feel hurt or whatever....i think it is b/c i am so scared of being the submissive wife, i am too liberated to be that but not quite liberated anough to really have the skills to cope in a marriage but anyway)
after i could run no more, i would put my water bottle on my head adn try adn balance it there while i walked home (no hands)
it took such realxed and focus zen energy not to let the water bottle drop, plus i would always end up laughing at how funny i must look to other people
and this made for a long slow walk home
almost everytime i got home i would be centered and ready to have peace and so would he

it is harder to do this now with a toddler

but i hav ealso tried just laughing when i think he is being crazy mean,
it is kind of funny how rude he is sometimes etc (this is my way of not letting it bother me, the chop wood version)

also wanted to add my moms' favorite marrige quote (do you want to be right or do you want to hvae peace?
post #44 of 236
6/6/05 at 1:08am


I have that feeling right now.....the need to run.

We havwe both been so disrespectful to eachother. He has such a negative outlook. I feel trapped and weak.
post #45 of 236
6/6/05 at 1:39am
Thread Starter 
moma justice so glad your here!

angelbee

I'm sorry! Think good thoughts...when I feel the lowest, it always passes... try saying/chanting these words...

Nam

Myoho

renge

kyo

say them in a flowing rhythm
nam (soft a)...mee~o~ho...ren~gay...Key~o... ... ...

it simply means...fusion with the mystic law of cause and effect thru sound vibration.

I just found this awesome site...look~

http://www.nmrk.com/

blessings~~
post #46 of 236
6/6/05 at 1:48am
Quote:
Originally Posted by AngelBee


I have that feeling right now.....the need to run.

We havwe both been so disrespectful to eachother. He has such a negative outlook. I feel trapped and weak.

Thats awful..sorry to hear that, I've felt that lots and its both terrifying and exsausting.

Moma Justice quote
"i think it is b/c i am so scared of being the submissive wife, i am too liberated to be that but not quite liberated anough to really have the skills to cope in a marriage but anyway)"

I think a lot of us are living with the fear of being a submissive wife. Not putting up with the negative crap from our partners is a battle in itself, sometimes it feels like it's easier to keep my mouth shut than say my piece and get shouted down. I Never thought I would be like this, I think everyone wants their marriages to work, and everyone at one stage wants to run like hell.

By striving to become a happier person who does not rise to my husband's occasional bullshit, I wonder if I'm repressing my voice... whats the balance?am I making ANY sense?
post #47 of 236
6/6/05 at 1:52am
Quote:
Originally Posted by lisa72

By striving to become a happier person who does not rise to my husband's occasional bullshit, I wonder if I'm repressing my voice... whats the balance?am I making ANY sense?
That makes total sense! That is the problem....finding a balance between not losing myself and being a vulture.

Thank you mamas for the hugs!
post #48 of 236
6/6/05 at 2:05am
Thread Starter 
lisa72~

your making total sense, I feel this way at times also...dh can be such a d!*% sometimes and I feel powerless for a moment like I have to pick up his slack whenever he doesnt feel like dealing with it (like today)...if that makes sense...but finding new ways of dealing with him changes it so much for the better.

p.s
I'm not meaning to be pushy with the chanting & buddhism at all, it helps me and others I know very much and I cant help but want to share it...please let me know if it is too much!

blessings~~~~
post #49 of 236
6/6/05 at 2:10am
Thread Starter 
Quote:
Originally Posted by AngelBee
What is soy lecithin? :

I am glad you are feeling better!

http://www.westonaprice.org/soy/lecithin.html

thanks, me too!
post #50 of 236
6/6/05 at 2:11am
Quote:
Originally Posted by mystic~mama
lisa72~

your making total sense, I feel this way at times also...dh can be such a d!*% sometimes and I feel powerless for a moment like I have to pick up his slack whenever he doesnt feel like dealing with it (like today)...if that makes sense...but finding new ways of dealing with him changes it so much for the better.

p.s
I'm not meaning to be pushy with the chanting & buddhism at all, it helps me and others I know very much and I cant help but want to share it...please let me know if it is too much!

blessings~~~~
Oh Sarah....not at all!!! I am a devout Catholic but I believe we are all spiritually connected. Some of my very closest friends are Buddists. We exchange ideas very frequently! I will definantly give it a try. I am always open to trying/learning about what has worked in others lives.....so never hesitate to offer advice to me
post #51 of 236
6/6/05 at 9:50am
Sara- share more from your buddist perspective... I really enjoy what you are saying. I find that my problem is that I am way too good at letting things go... ok, maybe not letting things go but ignoring things. My husband argues... more like contradicts everything I say. Everything anyone says. We have talked about it and he knows it is just a bad habit and really related to early kid stuff but he hasn't and likely isn't going to change. Since that is such a bad pattern with us, I have just stopped talking, stopped sharing. He is really stressed with work and somehow it has been easier to just talk about him and leave me out of everything. I know this is an acceptable short term solution and a really terrible long term solution but it gets easier and easier. When I do counseling I see so many couples where the distance just grew and grew and grew. I don't want that but boy is it hard with 2 babes in the house.
post #52 of 236
6/6/05 at 9:51am
mmm a lot happening with this thread while I was away...

"By striving to become a happier person who does not rise to my husband's occasional bullshit, I wonder if I'm repressing my voice... whats the balance?am I making ANY sense?"

Oh you don't have to take the crap...that's not the intent....in my opinion you teach yourself to be the model of reason...to use your voice effectively without resorting to hurtful words.

For most people the first instinct is to respond to the negative with the negative...but that makes you equal really...who started it doesn't matter.

The biggest thing to remember is that what is just is...his behaviour is the way it is...let go of any attachment to changing it...let go of any attachment to the fear of losing your voice...after all does it matter? If you want to be a happier and more peaceful person on this earth you have to let go of any attachment to anything that says you can't/shouldnt be.

When you do that you find the balance.


Oh....and in changing yourself you will not make yourself emotionless...you will still feel anger, sadness, love, joy, grief.....you will respond positively and then later sit and feel them...and let them go or keep them..whatever you choose.

Now I can say all this but putting it into action is much more difficult. The more I meditate the easier it becomes...meditation is like the training...life is the marathon....

Also discussion like this is very helpful
post #53 of 236
6/6/05 at 10:33am
Allgirls quote
The biggest thing to remember is that what is just is...his behaviour is the way it is...let go of any attachment to changing it...let go of any attachment to the fear of losing your voice...after all does it matter? If you want to be a happier and more peaceful person on this earth you have to let go of any attachment to anything that says you can't/shouldnt be.

When you do that you find the balance."


This is what I'm striving for, I know you shouldn't take the crap, but sometimes I go too far with the I'm not taking your crap thing, and my dh doesn't stand a chance, so I'm becoming what I'm fighting against.

I think what I'm trying to say is I am aware of the above, I'm just trying to do it, which I agree, with meditation, prayer, chanting, whatever gets you there, will happen.
post #54 of 236
6/6/05 at 11:52am
Thread Starter 
Quote:
Originally Posted by MsMoMpls
Sara- share more from your buddist perspective... I really enjoy what you are saying. I find that my problem is that I am way too good at letting things go... ok, maybe not letting things go but ignoring things. My husband argues... more like contradicts everything I say. Everything anyone says. We have talked about it and he knows it is just a bad habit and really related to early kid stuff but he hasn't and likely isn't going to change. Since that is such a bad pattern with us, I have just stopped talking, stopped sharing. He is really stressed with work and somehow it has been easier to just talk about him and leave me out of everything. I know this is an acceptable short term solution and a really terrible long term solution but it gets easier and easier. When I do counseling I see so many couples where the distance just grew and grew and grew. I don't want that but boy is it hard with 2 babes in the house.
I'm feeling the distance issue also...the past few weeks we have been doing our own things when we do have a chance to spend some time together...my dh needs that alone time or he gets irritable so it is good in a way but, the closeness we were starting to develop seems to have fizzled and I'm too tired taking care of things I need to do to worry too much about it Were under the same roof & getting along pretty well, that is a huge thing for us right there so, I dont want to rock the boat either.

I'm a baby buddha girl: & I will share what I can!

allgirls,

I love reading your insightful posts
post #55 of 236
6/6/05 at 11:54am
Quote:
Originally Posted by lisa72

This is what I'm striving for, I know you shouldn't take the crap, but sometimes I go too far with the I'm not taking your crap thing, and my dh doesn't stand a chance, so I'm becoming what I'm fighting against.

I think what I'm trying to say is I am aware of the above, I'm just trying to do it, which I agree, with meditation, prayer, chanting, whatever gets you there, will happen.
Well awareness is the first step...
and it's easy for me to say...my husband just isn't the way you describe your partners..he is never hurtful...and many times when something is hurtful to me that's all it is...hurtful to me...when I think about it it's not what he said...it's how I took what he said...so because I try to not be reactive we avoid a lot of negativity in our relationship. I don't know if he realises how hard I have to work at this sometimes since I was already this way when we met.

For me the struggle is with my ex...who is the father of my first 2 children and has a drug addiction. I struggle not to blast him on a daily basis for the pain and hurt he causes them...and they are old enough that it's getting harder to protect them from him. The are determined to learn for themselves and I want them to avoid him because he so toxic....it's hard to watch...

But when you are not living with the source of your struggle it's easier...much easier...I am very lucky and I do know it.
post #56 of 236
6/6/05 at 12:06pm
mystic mama...begin to nurture the closeness again with baby steps...today...look for a positive thing your partner does...he will do something positive I promise...be mindful of what he is doing all day and you will find something...I hope

Then compliment him on it..without expectations...his response may be negative, or it may be neutral or positive..it will be what it is...whatever it is...meditate on it afterwards.

This is not about making him feel good..it's about making your voice a positive one without expectations.

Someone said to me in a Dharma study course when we were discussing "Loving your enemy" and of course for most of us it's the hardest thing to do...but I did learn something...if a person only has oranges to give away they will only give away oranges...if you want a person to give apples away you have to first give him some apples to give away. And you give him the apples not to get apples yourself back but so that the person who didn't have apples benefits.

Now exchange oranges for hatred and apples for love...

There is a meditation that sends love and peace energy out to the world.(metta) and it was hard for me at first...how do you send love and peace out to someone like Saddam Hussein for instance...but then I thought about it...if I send love and peace energy to him...maybe he will absorb a bit of it and have some mercy on someone he is being cruel to...and if a million people do the same thing maybe it will multiply...sounds like a lofty goal but I have nothing to lose at all by trying.
post #57 of 236
6/6/05 at 12:33pm
Thread Starter 
he already did something positive today, instead of getting annoyed that I didnt make him any breakfast, he grabbed a pear and contently ate that...he was pleasent and calm this morning

hopefully he is still pleasant and calm if he comes home before (if I do) I get the apartment picked up...I just am not with it today and my environment shows it!

once again, very enlightening post....totally getting what you are saying with the apples and oranges and the meditation....I would love to set up a time we all meditate "together"
post #58 of 236
6/6/05 at 2:41pm
somethign i did the other day was put a pic of my dh in the middle of my alter, not even one of him and i together
just him

this was symbolic of me putting all my energy and prayers into him.
i stress and over analyze and bitch to my friends about him, so i "think" that i am giving him a lot of energy, but really it is not positive energy.
i have a need ot tlak everything out and since he has the opposite need (does not like/can't talk about feelings or issues)
i tend to find other ways to try and sort out my feelings and issue about him (bitch to friends, stress, obsess, etc)

but i see now that gets me no where, i am almost manifesting bad things that way

so whne i just put the picture of him up there on the center of my alter, it was my way of giving him love and supportive energy.

not with hope of expectation of this changin his behavior or level or respect and kindess for me (which is what i have done when i would meditate on pictures of us together, i was still then coming froma very attached and slefish place if "i want him to show me the love that i want")


also, the picture i used was one of him as a baby my dd's age

he was such an emotionaly and spiitualy abused child
his life was deviod of love and support

that is a lot of the source for his inability to be loving and supportive to me

so the babt pic was a good way for me to remember the important role of
unconditional love in a marriage

love with out strings
support with out expectation

that is what i want from him,
but i know i can not claim to really give it to him

if my dd was being crabby, rude whatever
i would still be gentle and loving with her
he needs that too
post #59 of 236
6/6/05 at 3:39pm
The problem is...I am selfish. I have problems giving what I want to recieve form dh because he seems to be unable to also give it back.

Then it makes me feel.....used...or neglected.

love without strings
support without expectations

I have longed for those things all of my life.....but somehow always end up feeling that I wasn't enough
post #60 of 236
6/6/05 at 4:05pm
Quote:
Originally Posted by AngelBee
The problem is...I am selfish. I have problems giving what I want to recieve form dh because he seems to be unable to also give it back.

Yep...that's a common problem...the thing is you have to learn to give your DH respect and love with no regard to whether he can give it back or not. No eye to results...just give respect and love( I am assuming those are the things you want to recieve) but you have to let the recieving go and concentrate on the giving
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There Is Not Always a "Fix" For the Difficult Child
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